Sometimes I'm serious.

2008: MAN IT WAS GREAT!

2008: Man It Was Great!

 

1. NEWS JOKES OPENING

 

Alexis 

Good evening.  This is the news.

 

Mike

1. And now, our top story.  Oliver Stone's next movie project is a bio-pic about George W. Bush.  The working title is Natural Born Platoon Killer. 

 

Alexis

2. Critics accused Bill Clinton of making race an issue in the Democratic campaign.  Bill stated that race had nothing to do with his controversial stance of hoes before bros.

 

Mike

3. The rapper Nas made claims that Fox news is racist.  Bill O' Reilly commented, "That pinhead ought to go back to Af… ghanistan and fight with our troops." 

 

Alexis

4. Juno Screenwriter Diablo Cody refused to wear million dollar shoes at the Oscar awards.  In a related story, Hillary Swank refused to cooperate with a CIA campaign to pose on the red carpet with a ransomed child also known as the million dollar baby.

 

Mike

5. North Korea recently made threats to attack South Korea.  Fortunately, this attack is not allowed according the internationally approved laws of the board game Risk.

 

 Alexis

6. The Norwegian government is proposing a law to allow same sex marriages.  Impressed with their bold initiative, President Bush is considering proposing a law that mandates all American same sex couples are sent to Norway.    

 

Mike

7. Rush Limbaugh switched his position on the presidential election by urging listeners to support Obama.  His statement reflects the first time a conservative has been willing to change their mind since one GOP member begrudgingly accepted the end of segregation. 

 

Alexis

8. The band Wilco led the singing of "Take me out to ballgame" at a recent Cubs home game.  Their performance created the first seventh inning nap.   

 

Mike 

9. A group of Palestinians are blaming Israel for bullying them into spying in exchange for medical treatment.  Investigators are examining the Palestinians claimed source of their illnesses, Israeli bullets.  

 

Alexis

10. According to the Gallop poll, McCain and Obama are closer than ever in the presidential race.  Obama is putting all his hopes on his obvious advantage: the swimsuit competition. 

 

Mike

We’ll be back with more headlines, after the break.

 

END SCENE.

2. Leader Tribute- George/Dick/Saddam/British Gentleman/Kurdish Lady/Military Officer 1/Military Officer 2/Jesus

 

OPEN ON: DICK AND GEORGE AT A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE

 

George

And as I look back at my presidentiality, I think the best way to do it is through the magic of song.  Ready Dick?

 

Dick

Oh yeah.

 

DICK SNAPS HIS FINGERS.  AN ASSISTANT BRINGS OUT A GUITAR.  THE ASSISTANT EXITS.  DICK BEGINS PLAYING THE OPENING RIFF TO “TRIBUTE” BY TENACIOUS D.  GEORGE SINGS.

 

George

A long time ago me and my brother Dick

We were traveling down

A long and wholesome road

 

SADDAM ENTERS IN DEVIL HORNS

 

George

All of the sudden there shined a shiny demon

In the middle of the road

And he said

 

Saddam

Fight the best war in the world

Or I’ll eat your souls

 

George

Well me and Dick looked at each other

And we each said

 

Dick and George

OK

 

SADDAM BEGINS RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE FRANTICALLY.  HE CURLS UP INTO A BALL AND SHIELDS HIMSELF.

 

George

And we bombed the first place that came to our heads

Just so happened to be

The best war in the world

It was the best war in the world

 

George

Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see

 

A PROPER BRITISH GENTLEMAN AND A KURDISH LADY ENTER.  THEY SHAKE HANDS WITH BUSH, GIVE SADDAM THE FINGER, AND EXIT.

 

Brits and us make two, Kurds and us make three

It was destiny

 

George

Once approval ratings go real low

Then the terrors rise then the blood must flow

We make freedom grow

 

Well needless to say

Iraq was stunned

 

TWO MILITARY OFFICERS ENTER.  THEY PUT SADDAM’S ARMS BEHIND HIS BACK AND LEAD HIM OUT.

 

George

We kicked ass and Saddam was jailed

And the beast was done

 

George

He asked us

 

Saddam

Be you angels?

 

George

And we said

 

Dick and George

Nay

We’re army men

Rock!

 

THE TWO MILITARY PERSONNEL AND SADDAM EXIT.

 

Dick and George

HI YI YI

WOAH OH OH OH 

WOAH OH OH OH

OH NO NO NO  NO NO

 

George

This is just the greatest war in the world

Give me a tribute

We must remember the greatest war in the world yeah

Give me a tribute

 

To the greatest war in the world

It is the greatest war in the world alright

It is the best motherfuckin' war alright

Greatest war in the world

 

PERFORMED IN A SCAT STYLE

 

George and Dick

Flee enemies flee, flee enemies flee

Flee enemies said yeah!

 

George

And the peculiar thing is this my friends

The war we planned to fight

Didn’t turn out anything like we thought

 

George

Please give me a tribute

You gotta believe me

I wish you were there

Forget about world opinion

 

JESUS ENTERS AND PATS GEORGE ON THE BACK.  JESUS EXITS.

 

George

Good God, He loves it

Not surprised to find they can’t stop us

On fire, Iraq on fire

 Rich motherfucker, Halliburton

 

END SCENE.

 

 

3. Existential Theme Park- Jean Paul/Sally/Soren/Shelia/Simone/Bob/Martin/Ron

 

OPEN ON: an amusement park ad shoot.  Jean Paul, Soren, Simone, and Martin stand on the left side of the stage together.  Sally, Shelia, Bob, and Ron stand on the right side of the stage together.  The actors are on the left all speak in a somber and unenthusiastic manner.  The actors on the right all speak in a peppy upbeat tone.

 

Jean Paul

It is only a matter of time before every person meets their destiny to die. 

 

Sally

So before that happens, make sure you take time to get to Happy Time Fun Theme Park!

 

Soren

Anything you do will be forgotten after your imminent death.  All your work will vanish.

 

Shelia

More reason to make sure you experience our super fast bullet roller coaster right away!

 

Simone

All others are goners too.  Your life serves no purpose. 

 

Bob

So why not visit super splash slip and slide for some old fashioned fun?

 

Martin

There is no afterlife.  All striving is purposeless.  You will be forgotten.  

 

Ron

Visit the gift shop on the way out to make sure you get the full Happy Time experience!

 

Jean Paul

Material possessions ultimately mean nothing.

 

Sally

Unless you’re talking about the spectacular prizes that can be won at the Smash the Weasel Whack Attack Game!  It’s zany fun for the entire family!

 

Soren

You might as well whittle the days away indifferent to others.

 

Shelia

Or spend time with lots of great folks at attack of the Koo-Koo’s!  It’s fabu-riffic!

 

Simone

It is impossible to escape impending doom.

 

Bob

Because The Tomb of the Zombies will frighten everyone from ages 10 and up!

 

Jean Paul

Nothing you do matters. 

 

Shelia

So why not spend all your money at the Happy Time Fun Theme Park? 

 

Martin

There is no God to help you with your problems.

 

Sally

But anyone can come to our house of fun regardless of religious affiliation!  

 

Bob

Nothing cures a case of existential blues quite like a few thousand acres of commercial fun!   We’re located off Montgomery Road exit 72, just north of Naperville.

 

Simone

Or in between the state of melancholy and dementia. 

 

Sally

Happy Time Fun Theme Park is the best way to have family fun or fill the meaningless void!  Stop by as soon as possible before it all ends!

 

END SCENE.

 

4. Take Me to Your Leader - Bush/Steve

 

Bush

And I, The Decider, feel we should honor our whore vets that sacrifice for Iraqis.

 

Steve

Uh oh!

 

AN ALARM GOES OFF

 

Steve

Congratulations, George Wyclef Bush!  That last gaffe was officially you one millionth botched phrase!  You is truly kind of a one! 

 

Bush

Aw, shucks.

 

Steve

Please, what was your favorite talkin’ bad thing you done?

 

Bush

Well, I hardly remember things I’ve said.

 

Steve

Come in!  Surely, you must recall your tongues of the slip!

 

Bush

You makin’ fun of me?

 

Steve

You couldn’t make fun of me if us tried. 

 

Bush

You’re darn tootin’.  I don’t always mean exactly what I say.

 

Steve

I think we all knowed that a long time ago, Georgie!

 

Bush

No, I mean that the things words do sometimes get to be words that don’t do, uh, things words are meant to with things.

 

Steve

And you are off to an excellent start on your next million, Mr. Dee Snider!

 

 

Bush

Hey!  I’m not Dee Snider!

 

Steve

That’s not what said you earliest.

 

Bush

Security!

 

Steve

Hey, you gots that one right!  You can silence you, but you can’t silence the Ruth!

 

TWO BODYGUARDS ENTER AND HAUL STEVE OFF STAGE

 

Bush

Get that idiot out of my sight!

 

BUSH ADJUSTS HIS TIE AND CLEARS HIS THROAT

 

Bush

Sorry about that folks.  Sometimes you can’t tell a hen from another hen.  But then the hen’s turn out to be different from chickens. 

 

BUSH LOOKS CONFUSED AND NERVOUS

 

End scene.

 

 

5. English Now!-Cy/Deb/Consuelo/Marci/Walt/D. Dogg/Shelia/Frank

 

Cy

Hey you!  You understand me?  If you’re American, you should!  I’m Cy Greenbloom, head of Americans Speak English. 

 

Deb

I’m Deb Cecil, momma.  I’m worried my kids are gonna have to speak Muslim or whatever, less we make everyone talk like us. 

 

Cy

Think about the danger of people not talkin’ English.

 

CONSUELO AND MARCI ENTER

 

Consuelo

Hola.  Como esta?

 

Deb

Muy bien.  Gracias.

 

CONSUELO AND MARCI EXIT

 

Cy

What the hell is that?  That could be terrorist talk for all we know!

 

Deb

These people might be ruinin’ what our fathers won from savages that couldn’t talk English too!

 

Cy

I don’t want to have to talk Mexican just to keep my job at Gus’s Fish and Bait!

 

Deb

Those Mexicos got their own damn country.  They can just keep their not knowing English asses right there.

 

Cy

And think about yer’ youngin’s talkin’ all retarded these days.

 

Deb

It’s cause of that rap stuff!

 

D. DOGG AND WALT ENTER

 

 

Walt

Yeeeaah’ boy!  What up whitcha dogg? 

 

D. Dogg

Say word son!  Say word!

 

D. DOGG AND WALT EXIT

 

Cy

What the hell is that?  When I was young we had all the best: Charlie Daniels Band, Skynard, and Allman Brothers.  That was music!

 

Deb

The kids today listen to thugs that sell drugs and can’t talk right.  That ain’t America!

 

Cy

And these days, even people that talk right act funny.

 

Deb

These folks should be sent to one of them loser countries!

 

SHELIA AND FRANK ENTER

 

Shelia

It is vital for America to accommodate a diverse array of languages from various locations in the international community.

 

Frank

Americans should be intelligent enough to recognize other cultures while simultaneously embracing our own collective values.

 

SHELIA AND FRANK EXIT

 

Cy

What the hell is that?  English is great, but ya don’t need to use all them big, fancy words!

 

Deb

That’s just showin’ off yer a college boy!  And they talk bullshit ‘bout lovin’ the world like commie hippies!

 

Cy

So let’s start makin’ sense America.  Talk English the way it’s s’posed to be talked.

Deb

Change them laws so we can keep our way a life.  Stand up to them towel heads and boat people that are trying to take over yer’ land!

 

Cy

Vote no on yer’ issues bout talkin’ funny talk.  And if that don’t work, do like the fathers of our country: fight all them freaks off our land!

 

End scene.

 

6. Arrested Development Again?-Michael/Gob/Tobias/Lindsey/Buster/Mom/George Michael/ Maybee/Steven Spielberg

 

OPEN ON: INT. BLUTH HOME

 

Michael

Bluth family meeting.

 

Gob

I’m sick of meetings!

 

Michael

Gob, we haven’t had one in years.

 

Gob

They still suck.

 

Michael

Okay.  I’ll be brief.  We have the chance to do an Arrested Development film.

 

Tobias

A film?  Will I be in it?

 

Michael

Yes Tobias.

 

Tobias (excited)

I’m in!

 

Lindsey

I can’t do it Michael.  I’m too busy

 

Michael

Lindsey, you haven’t had a job since… ever.

 

Lindsey

Exactly.  I’m doing fabulously without work!

 

Michael

Fine.  Buster?

 

Buster

Being on camera makes me sick.

 

Mom

There, there Buster.  You just stay with Mommy.

 

Michael (sighs)

Mom?

 

Mom

I can’t.  Buster needs me.  Get Gob.

 

Gob

No dice.  I’m in the prime of my magic career.  I have to focus on my God given gift.

 

Maybee

Sorry Uncle Mike, I can’t.  I’m in college now.

 

Michael

I know I can count on you George Michael.

 

George Michael

Sorry Dad, I have to be with Maybee.  You know, at college and all.

 

Michael

So it will be me and Tobias on screen for two hours?

 

George Michael

Yeah.

 

Maybee

Yep.

 

Gob
Sounds like it.

 

Michael

We could make it work.  We could talk about how crazy you guys are.

 

SILENCE FOR A BEAT

 

Michael

Even though we’d never see you.

 

George Michael

Dad, that is a terrible idea.

 

Michael

Yeah.  So, no Arrested Development movie then?

 

Tobias

Oh come on!  This is a chance at greatness!

 

Michael

Sorry Tobias.  It looks like everyone has moved on.

 

Tobias

Then I’ll do it alone!

 

Mom

Sure.

 

Lindsey

Yeah right!

 

Gob

No way!

 

Tobias

You watch!

 

ALL ACTORS EXIT EXCEPT TOBIAS.  STEVEN ENTERS.

 

Steven

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg.  I’ve been itching for an Arrested Development movie.

 

Tobias

I am the man with that plan Mr. Spielberg!

 

Steven

Please, tell me about your creative visions.

 

Tobias

Well, it is the finest one man show you’ve ever seen!

 

Steven (laughing)

Ha!  That’s a wonderful joke!

 

Tobias (soberly)

No joke.

 

Steven

What?

 

Tobias

No joke.  It’s just me.

 

Steven

Right.  Listen, I set up a camera.  I prefer to be off set for, ah, initial scenes.

 

Tobias

Great!  You will not be disappointed!

 

Steven (rolls his eyes)

Right.

 

STEVEN EXITS.  TOBIAS MAKES A PASSIONATE BUT HORRIBLE EFFORT TO IMITATE BLUTH FAMILY MEMBERS.

 

Tobias

I’m Michael.  I’m Lindsey.  I’m Gob.  Oh hello Tobias.  You’re so great!

 

End scene.

 

7. Halliburton Lesson- David/Michael/George Bush/Tyler/Bill/Sally/Paula

 

OPEN ON: CHICAGO CITY DAY SCHOOL

 

David

I’m David Lesar, current CEO of Halliburton.  I’m here to teach you kids about how to succeed in business and life with three simple rules.

 

Michael

What makes you so great?

 

David

I won’t just tell you, I’ll show you.  Rule number one; eliminate all who question your judgment immediately.

 

DAVID SNAPS MICHAEL’S NECK.  MICHAEL FALLS TO THE GROUND.

 

David

Remember kids, those who question power suffer consequences. 

 

ALL KIDS LOOK SHOCKED AND FRIGHTENED

 

David

Rule number two.  Make friends with powerful people and ignore everyone else.

 

GEORGE BUSH ENTERS.  HE AND DAVID SHAKE HANDS.

 

George Bush

I just want to say that Davey and I are best buddies.  He has made this world a better place.  Stay in school and get a head start!

 

GEORGE BUSH EXITS

 

David

And rule three.  Use your friends to tell people good things about you.

 

BILL O’ REILLY ENTERS

 

Bill

Hello, I’m Bill O’ Reilly.  Halliburton donated 20 billion dollars to provide US soldiers with better supplies.  Halliburton represents everything good about our nation.

 

BILL EXITS

 

 David

 Any questions?

 

Sally

Yes Mr…

 

DAVID CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

 

David

Remember rule one little lady.  Any questions?

 

THE KIDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN NERVOUS SILENCE

 

David

Good.  I would now like to hear your thoughts on today’s lesson. (Points at Paula) You.

 

Paula

Make friends with famous people and hurt people you don’t like.

 

David

Very good!  I’m going to recommend you for our Little Miss Ann Coulter training program.  To the rest of you I will leave information about how to become a stock broker or volunteer for military service. It’s never too early to plan for your inevitable future.

 

End scene.

 

8. Pen Head- Vick/Ted/Nancy/Reggie/Punk Kid

 

Vick

Are you tired of having to search all over for a pen? 

 

Ted

Do the inevitable problems that happen with ink running out make you want to kill? 

 

Vick

What about pesky pens that never stop leaking onto your expensive clothes? 

 

Ted

Eliminate all these tragedies with the new product everyone is talking about: Pen Head!

 

Nancy speaks in a cheesy and monotone manner

 

Nancy

I always seem to be without a pen.  What can I do to solve the problem?

 

Vick

Pen Head has invented elaborate new technology that allows pens to be placed gently in a headband that is comfortable and fashionable. 

 

Ted

Just attach the pen to your band and never be without a pen again. 

 

REGGIE ENTERS WEARING A GAUDY HEADBAND WITH A PEN ATTACHED

 

Reggie

I’m a tennis instructor that needs to take notes while I’m giving lessons.  Will it work?

 

Vick

You bet your sweet ass it will! 

 

Ted

Pen Head stays on even when teaching rich folks how to play a snooty little game. 

 

Punk Kid

What is it that makes this pen so much better than other ones?

 

Vick

Even young punks will be blown away by our patented reload system. 

 

Ted

Ordinary pens only last as long as the weather. 

 

Vick

Our ink cartridges assure that your pen will stay fresh every time.

 

Nancy

Wow, I’m convinced that Pen Head is for me.  How do I get this amazing new product?

 

Vick

With three easy installments of only $9.95, you will receive one magnificent headband, a patented Pen Head pen, and 2 of our famous ink cartridges at no extra charge. 

 

Ted

Order within the next half hour and receive and additional Pen Head pen!  That is one incredible offer!

 

Punk kid

Are you fucking serious?  Do you know how many regular pens I could buy with that much money?

 

Vick

Don’t be like a young idiot and buy regular pens that bring pain. 

 

Ted

Get the Pen Head and never be without a pen again.

 

NANCY ENTERS WEARING A HEADBAND WITH A PEN ATTACHED

 

Nancy

I could never live again without having a pen at anytime.  Thanks Pen Head!

 

End scene.

 

 

9. Oprah Live From Chicago! – Oprah/Ann/Nick/Bill/Sara/Al

 

OPEN ON “Oprah Live From Chicago!” hosted by Oprah Winfrey.

 

Oprah

Hello, I’m Oprah Winfrey.  Welcome to the first edition of Oprah Live From Chicago! 

 

Oprah pauses briefly for an audience reaction

 

Oprah

Our topic for tonight will be how to resolve the Iraq War.  Our first guest is the author of “Why Republicans are Better than the Rest of You.” Ann Coulter!

 

Ann ignores the crowd

 

Ann

Hello Oprah, we need to force all the Iraqi’s to convert to Christianity.

 

Oprah

Wow, that’s blunt. Our second guest is the lead guitarist for the band Franz Ferdinand.  Please say hello to Nick McCarthy!

 

Nick humbly gives a head nod and raises his right palm hand and mouths a few thank you’s

 

Nick

We should chill and listen to Pink Floyd with them.  It’s all good when Dark Side is on!

 

Oprah

Why not?  My next guest is one of the greatest comedians of all time.  Bill Cosby!

 

Bill smiles and laughs

 

Bill

Thank you Oprah.  This war is happening because of the kids damaging rapping music!

 

Oprah

Interesting.  My next guest is making her first network appearance.  She is one of the stars of the soon to be broadcast NBC sitcom series “Wacky Neighbors”, Sara Codine!

 

Sara is wearing goofy mismatched clothing.  She speaks in a contrived “zany” voice.

Sara

War sucks.  Hey America.  Check me out on Wacky Neighbors airing Fridays on NBC at 8:00 PM Eastern beginning September 7th. 

 

Sara flashes a large cheesy grin and sticks both her thumbs up while uttering her series catch phrase

 

Sara

That’s wavy gravy to me!

 

Oprah

Sounds like a fine piece of work.  And last, one of the finest actors who has ever graced the stage or screen.  The legendary Al Pacino!

 

Al raises both arms over his head to acknowledge the crowd

 

Al

We need to adopt the United Nations plan to establish Iraqi sovereignty without external intervention.

 

Oprah

Someone did their homework!  I could talk to this powerhouse lineup for hours!

 

Bill

Oprah, I thought I was going to be the big name tonight.  You didn’t tell me the gal from the wacky show was going to be here!

 

All guests laugh except Sara

 

Ann

Although you act like a loony liberal, I love your movies, Mr. Pacino. 

 

Bill

Al, you have been in so many quality films it’s hard to pick just one favorite.

 

Nick

You have done some kick ass flicks Mr. Pacino!  I’m sorry Oprah; can I say that on air?

 

Oprah

Well we would edit it out, but we’re live.

 

Guests chuckle and smile

 

Nick

My bad Oprah.  My bad kids at home.  I’ll stand in the corner for a while.

 

Nick gets up and removes himself to the corner of the stage

 

 

Ann

I’m just glad someone else made the first offensive comment for a change!

 

Sara continues to speak in her contrived “zany” voice even after the promo plug

 

Sara

He’s been a bad, bad boy!

 

Sara gets up and begins spanking Nick on the bottom

 

Bill

I’m sure this is just how you pictured your live show going, huh Oprah?

 

Oprah

Oh my!  So, uh Bill what do you think…..

 

Nick

This is a lot better punishment than I used to get in school!

 

Ann

This is what happens when commies run TV networks!

 

Sara leaves Nick and stands on her chair

 

Sara

I’m so nutty!  Watch me on Wacky Neighbors!

 

Al

I’ve heard of aggressive self-promotion young lady, but this is going too far.  What about the discussion we were having about Iraq?

 

Sarah flashes a huge grin and sticks both of thumbs up again

 

Sara

That’s wavy gravy to me!

 

Bill

Now you see Oprah, that’s the problem with the kids in the business today…

 

Sara

I’ll spank you too Ghost Dad!

 

Sara jumps down from her chair and attempts to swat Bill’s bottom. Bill resists and dodges her swats.  Sara chases Bill around the stage while swatting at his bottom in a playful fashion and repeatedly chanting “Wacky Neighbors.” Bill is getting upset.

 

Al

Oh what a bunch of bullshit this is!

 

Nick

And I thought I would be the only one here to get spanked tonight!

 

Bill

Come on, Oprah!  Do something!

 

Oprah

Let’s take a commercial break before that loony broad starts coming after me!

 

END SCENE.

10. Smells Like Republican Voter- Joe/Chauncey/All Available Cast Members

 

Open On: a performance at A Republican meeting.

 

Cast members imitate the cheerleaders and janitor from the smells like teen spirit video.  Chauncey sings his lyrics to the beat of the opening of Nirvana’s “Smells like Teen Spirit.”

 

Chauncey 

Load up on guns
Bring your friends
All to Iraq
No need to pretend

To help the poor
We’re self assured
Never enough
Fight terror war

McCain (REPEAT 16 TIMES.)

With the liberals it is dangerous
Here we are now
We love Jesus
Family values are contagious
Here we are now

Please pray for us
Wealthy tax cuts

Great idea
John McCain is

Our next leader
Yeah!

 

End scene.

 

11. NEWS JOKES #2

 

Alexis

And we’re back.

 

Mike

11. The Police were the highest grossing concert act of the past year, with sales figures exceeding $140 million dollars.  The band is glad that they finally found the proper time to fight back against NWA's 1988 hit song, Fuck Tha Police.  

 

Alexis

12. A new stamp depicting Frank Sinatra has been issued.  Unfortunately denied was a proposal to have a flipbook with the star getting progressively drunker as he aged. 

 

Mike

13. Middle Eastern political groups battled due to Hamas shaving off mustaches of dissident Fatah members.  This led to the most dangerous conflict involving facial hair since the 1985 breakup of the Village People. 

 

Alexis

14. A pile of 130 million year old dinosaur dung sold at a New York auction for nearly $1,000. This marks the highest amount of money earned by a piece of shit since my ex-boyfriend. 

 

Mike

15. Matt Groening announced that there will be another Simpsons film project.  Groening hopes his team of Harvard educated millionaire writers is up to the rigorous task of creating enough dialogue for a ninety minute cartoon film every twenty years.  

 

Alexis

16. A poll reported that Naperville is ranked as the third most pleasant place to live in the United States.  The poll neglected to mention that the only cities considered were Naperville, East St. Louis, and Los Alamos. 

 

Mike

17. A professor helped investigators unravel a scheme where thousands of people obtained phony PHD's.  Among those suspected of fraud: Dr. Demento, Dr. Nick, and Dr. Feelgood. 

 

Alexis

18. The FBI issued warnings of an attack from Hezbollah.  The terrorist organization has denied the charges and stated their first priority after total elimination of Israel is to find a way to score tickets for the Beirut Hannah Montana concert. 

 

Mike

19. Israeli officials recently discovered that Arab groups are recruiting spies through facebook.  To solve the problem in their own country, Israel is planning to take the computer away from the one Palestinian guy who can afford internet.

 

 Alexis

20. In New York, police used tasers to subdue a groom at his wedding.  Guests said the incident was ugly, but he got what he deserved for dancing the Macarena.  

 

Mike

We’ll be back with another news update later in the show.

12. The Three Musketeers- Gordon/Stephen/Kevin

 

OPEN ON: BBC 1 NEWS STUDIO

 

Stephen

Hello.  I’m the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper.  I love America, but I have a bone to pick with the USA.

 

Kevin

I’m Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.  I agree with Mr. Harper’s position.

 

Gordon

And I’m your leader, Prime Minister Gordon Brown.  I share the concerns of my esteemed colleagues.

 

Stephen

American friends, your media used to give us plenty of press coverage.

 

Kevin

Technically, we get thrown questions by “legitimate” sources like CNN and Fox News.

 

Gordon

But we are ignored by the only news that 99% of your country really watches.

 

Kevin

We want to be more included in your fake comedy news.

 

Gordon

Now, I know what you are thinking.  Why would these guys want to be mocked?

 

Stephen

We actually think it’s quite a hootenanny.  And it is the only way to get our name out to anyone under the age of thirty.

 

Gordon

Not to mention anyone of any age that makes less than 50,000 American dollars a year.

 

Kevin

There’s no point to being a leader if nobody knows who the hell you are!

 

Stephen

I’ve worked my whole life to achieve this position.  Only to be covered by the dull Canadian press that reaches like half a million viewers?  I don’t think so!

 

Kevin

People throughout the globe are informed by American late night talk show hosts, the premier Comedy Central hosts, and SNL’s weekend update.

 

Stephen

I’m sure we have zany policies Jewish comedy writers could make fun of.  See!  I just made a bigoted comment.  Won’t a popular sketch show mock me?

 

Gordon

Nobody wants to go to their grave forgotten.  Yes, we think your leader Bush is inferior to us in almost every way.  But we envy his press coverage immensely!

 

Kevin

The guy could hang out in a cave with Bin Laden for the rest of his life and still have thousands of years of archive footage!  We want a piece of the pie too.

 

Stephen

We don’t feel like we’re asking for too much.  We don’t expect Americans to cover all the world leaders.

 

Gordon

Half of those losers don’t even speak English for God’s sakes!

 

Stephen

Like those third world dictators.  No one can remember all those Mohammed Chin Chang Chow assholes.  Oh, my insensitivity is terrible!  Won’t you give me attention?

 

Kevin

Come on mates!  We are good guys to have beers with.

 

Gordon

And we’ll create laws that would be hilariously spoofed on Letterman.

 

Kevin

Or Colbert Report.

 

Stephen

Or my favorite, Carson Daly.

 

Gordon

Don’t forget the leaders of your fellow first world English speaking nations.

 

Kevin

Throw us a bone.  And live from:

 

Gordon

London

 

Kevin

Sydney

 

Stephen

Ottawa

 

Gordon, Kevin, and Stephen

It’s Tuesday Night!

 

End scene.

13. Ferris Bueller 08- Ferris/Cameron/Sloan

OPEN ON: FERRIS AND CAMERON AT CAMERON'S PARENTS HOUSE.  "OH YEAH!” BY YELLOW PLAYS.  CAMERON AND FERRIS APPEAR OVERWEIGHT, MIDDLE AGED, AND SLOPPY.

Ferris
Cameron, I fooled my parents again.  I'm taking the day off.

Cameron
Ferris, come on man.  We are getting too old for this!

Ferris
Cameron babe, remember life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.

Cameron
Yeah Ferris, I know that's your motto.  You've been saying it for twenty years now.

Ferris
Cameron this is my ninth sick day.  If the boss finds out, I won't graduate.

Cameron
Ferris, I admire the fact that you're still living like a careless kid.  But I'm sick stupid.

Ferris
Yeah, that cancer has really been eating away at you hasn't it?

Cameron
I think I'm dying.

Ferris
I admit you might be dying.  But you need to do something good before that happens.

Cameron
You've been saying that since the fifth grade.

Ferris
So let's do it man.  Let's bust loose to Chicago today.

Cameron (sighs)
Ok, I'll go.

Ferris
Great.  I'll call Sloan.

SLOAN ENTERS.  FERRIS PULLS OUT A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE AND DIALS.

Ferris
Hey Sloan, it's Ferris.  Cameron and I are taking the day off.

Sloan
Ferris you picked a bad time.  I have to meet quotas or it’s my ass.

Ferris
Listen to you.  Quotas!  What in the hell is that?  You need to live!

Sloan
Look Ferris, I did a lot of living.  I had fun.  We had fun.  But I have to try to do something with my life now. 

Ferris
So, you're not going to come out with me and Cam?

Sloan
No Ferris.  Not this time.  Times change Ferris.  Good luck realizing that.

Ferris
Fine.  I don't need people that want to live a dull life anyway.

Sloan
Goodbye Ferris.

SLOAN EXITS

Cameron
She's right Ferris.  What have we done with our lives?

Ferris
What are you talking about?  I have looked around!

Cameron
Sure we've looked around.  But what have we actually accomplished?

Ferris
Remember that time we stole your Dad's Lamborghini?

Cameron
Hell yeah!  I'm still in debt to him for that little incident.

Ferris
Back then we didn't care about the consequences of our actions.  We just lived in the moment.  We need to go back to that!

Cameron
It's not the 80's.  It’s not like Prince, Madonna, and Michael Jackson are making news.

Ferris
Well actually...

Cameron
We need to accept that we're old now.

Ferris
Cameron, we have to keep fighting.  I'm not doing this for me.  I'm doing it for you.

Cameron
Sorry pal, I'm out.  I'm going to bed.  If I live through the weekend, I'll give you a call.

CAMERON EXITS

Ferris
I said it before folks.  Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around every once in a while you could miss it.  But even if you look around a lot, it might all come back to bite you in the ass.

End scene.

 

14. Corporate Karma- Lama/Jill/Amy/Sara/Voice Over/Kevin/Richard

 

OPEN ON: THE DALAI LAMA IN A MEETING WITH ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES IN THE LOOP

 

Lama

The violence in Tibet is a great weight on my soul.  Can your company help?

 

Jill

Mr. Lama, I don’t know what to believe about God or Tibet.  But I have total faith in Radical Yo Advertising. 

 

Sara

Your sincere belief is just what we need for a major commercial endorsement!

 

Lama

This is not about money.  There are people dying!

 

Amy

And we’re sensitive to that.  But you have to realize that you are the face of this issue!

 

Sara

We understand your goal is to win Tibet through peaceful means.

 

Lama

Yes.

 

Sara

Nothing is more peaceful than working with Radical Yo. 

 

Amy

Advertisers and major corporations only exist to eliminate suffering.

 

Jill

But we have to be careful about our ads.  There is no bigger market than China.

 

Amy

We don’t want to step on more than ten billion toes.

 

Lama

All I want to do is end suffering and save lives.

 

Sara

I love that!  Hero with heart wants to save lives! 

 

 

Amy

As long as we don’t get too political it can’t miss!

 

Jill

Mr. Lama, imagine a single fantastic product uniting enemies and creating peace.

 

Amy

Everyone wins!

 

Sara

We want to do a campaign with the Coke people.

 

Amy

Sure, media coverage and sales will go through the roof. 

 

Jill

But more importantly Mr. Lama, your message of peace can be seen worldwide.

 

Lama

I realize even great leaders must compromise to be on TV.  Let’s do it.

 

Voice Over

One hour later.

 

JILL, AMY, AND SARA ARE SEATED.  KEVIN SMITH ENTERS.

 

Kevin

Hey Mr. Lama, I’m the director, Kevin Smith.  I’m a fan of your work.  Maybe I’ll use one of your lines in my next flick, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

 

Lama

I’m glad I have inspired you young man.  Can we please begin?

 

Kevin

Oh yeah, sure.  Roll it.

 

KEVIN IS SEATED.  RICHARD GERE ENTERS AND STANDS NEXT TO LAMA.

 

Richard

Hello, I’m Richard Gere.  Our world is facing unique challenges.  We need heroes to help.  Now two of my greatest heroes, The Holy Dalai Lama and Coca Cola are buying the world a coke in a whole new way.

 

Lama

Thanks Richard.  Coca Cola and I both want to help the victims of tragedy in Lhasa.

 

Richard

But what can a regular guy like me do to help people so far away?

 

Lama

Anyone can help save the world.  Just buy special edition Karma Coke products!

 

Richard

That sounds too good to be true!

 

Lama

As one of the great spiritual leaders of the world, I assure you this is a heavenly deal.

 

RICHARD DRINKS A BIT OF KARMA COKE

 

Richard

Wow!  That is delicious!  My conscience and my taste buds have never felt so good!

 

Lama

I hope everyone is cool and refreshed like Richard.  Support Coke.  Experience transcendent flavors.  Buy the world a Karma Coke and sing in harmony!  Thank you.

 

End scene.

 

15. BRUSH AWAY! - Kid/Mom/VO

 

OPEN ON: A TYPICAL HOUSEHOLD BATHROOM

 

KID

Aw Ma, do I have to brush my teeth again?

 

MOM

Enough of that attitude mister!

 

KID
Ah geez!

 

MOM

Just because you have to brush, it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

 

KID

What are you talking about?

 

MOM

Listen up, and I’ll tell you.  There’s a fantastic new product called Brush Away that makes brushing more exciting than eating candy.

 

KID
How does it work, Mom?

 

MOM

Brush Away operates with technology that brings evil curses to children that don’t brush. 

 

KID

Evil curses?  I don’t want any evil curses.

 

MOM

Of course you don’t.  That’s why you had better brush those teeth extra hard.

 

KID

What kinds of curses Mom?

 

MOM

Oh there are plenty.  Could be monsters in the night.  Maybe giant birds that eat your teeth.  Could be just about anything for kids that don’t brush.

 

KID

I’m going to start brushing right now!

MOM

You’d better!

 

kid goes to the sink and begins brushing ferociously

 

VOICE OVER
Brush Away has helped you to lie to kids since 1907.  Brush Away is the only brand that uses psychological torture to instill obedience.  Get Brush Away, for your child’s sake.

 

End scene.

 

18. Vote Anti- Christ! - Anti-Christ/Ruth Magdalene/Fred Jones/Senior Sexy/Pepper Jackson/Trudy Jones

 

Anti-Christ

Massive change will come.  I will unite all people of the world.  I implore all that can to vote for me, The Anti- Christ, for president in 2008!

 

Statements of shock come from the group of gathered reporters.  After a few moments one reporter stands up.

                                               

Ruth Magdalene

Surely you don’t believe this Christ centered nation would vote for the Anti-Christ!

 

Anti-Christ

Polls show the American people are tired of ugly religious labels.  My private beliefs should have no bearing on the results of this election.

 

Fred Jones

What do you say to critics that claim you want to bring on the end of the world?

 

Anti-Christ

Unless you want me to bring up your end of the world parties back in your college days Freaky Freddie, I think its time to move on.

 

Fred Jones

I withdraw my question.

 

Senior Sexy

What is your official stance on Britney Spears?

 

Anti-Christ

The troubled Ms. Spears is going through a tough time right now.  Don’t worry; she is one of my helpers.  I wish her all the best for years of media coverage to come.

 

Pepper Jackson

How tough do you plan to get with enemies of America?

 

Anti-Christ

Terrible pain will come to any that oppose order.  My plans will create a system where the entire world will live in peace, or else!

 

Pepper Jackson

That is the kind of tough response we need from a real man of today.  Boo-yah!

 

Anti-Christ

It’s nice to see some journalists are enthusiastic about their work.  Yes, you over there.

 

Trudy Jones

Are you running as a Democrat or a Republican?

 

Anti-Christ

I am an independent, but the Republican agenda is quite similar to mine.  Remember, politics are too complicated to understand.  Forget about problems.  Watch TV.  Listen to pop music.  Work and let me handle the rest.  The Anti-Christ will give em’ hell in 08! 

 

The Anti-Christ salutes the crowd with a double fisted “devil horns” salute and exits the stage

 

End scene.

 

19. Judgment Day- Johnson/Chief/Guard 1/Guard 2/Jesus

Johnson

We nabbed another one chief!

 

Chief

Thank God for Homeland Security!  America needs us Johnson.  What’s the story on this terrorist?

 

Johnson

Arab male, initially picked up for infiltrating our nation without a passport.

 

Chief

No documents?

 

Johnson

None.  Says he answers to no government, hates capitalism, and thinks Western Civilization has no morality.

 

Chief

Sounds serious.  How’s his psych test?

 

Johnson

Disturbing.  He apparently has delusions of grandeur, suicidal tendencies, and is clinically insane.

 

Chief

That’s not a combination to be taken lightly.

 

Johnson
It gets worse sir.  Turns out he is the leader of a radical sect.   

 

Chief

Go on.

 

Johnson

He demands that his every command is rigidly obeyed, or his followers will suffer cruel and brutal torture.

 

Chief

Typical.

 

Johnson

His rap sheet isn’t though.  He has had run-ins with the law in every place he’s ever been. 

 

Chief

Everywhere?

 

Johnson

Yes.  And he’s known to escape even the tightest of security sir.

 

Chief

He’s been caught before and he got into our country?

 

Johnson

His network is impossible to find sir.  It is almost as if he can disappear at will.

 

Chief

What crimes has he committed?

 

Johnson

He defiled holy sites of his enemies.  He fully supported a leader that wiped out entire tribes.  He even promised that he will rule the world after a great bloodbath.

 

Chief

Psychotic.  Guards!  Bring him to me!

 

GUARDS ENTER HAULING IN JESUS.  JESUS IS WEARING A CROWN OF THORNS AND IS CARRYING A CROSS.  THE GUARDS THROW JESUS TO THE GROUND.

 

Chief

All right boys; let’s get this rag-head terrorist for America!

 

THE GUARDS, JOHNSON, AND CHIEF BEAT JESUS

 

End scene.

20. Funk Takes a Stand! - Bruce/Isaac/Backup Singers/Dick Cheney

 

OPEN ON: A RECORDING STUDIO.  ISSAC SINGS LYRICS TO THE BEAT OF HIS 1971 HIT SONG THEME FROM SHAFT.

 

Isaac
Who's the white primate dick
that’s a war machine to all the hicks?

Backup Singers
Bush!

                              

Isaac
He’s damn right

Who is the man
that would risk his neck for the rich white man?

Backup Singers

Bush!

 

Isaac
Can ya' dig it?

Who's the cat that won't help out
when there's danger all about?

 

Backup singers
Bush!

Isaac

Right on.

Isaac

You see this cat Bush is a bad leader--

DICK CHENEY ENTERS

 

Dick Cheney

Shut your mouth!

 

DICK CHENEY EXITS

 

Isaac
But I'm talkin' about Bush

Backup singers

Then we can dig it.

Isaac
Not a complicated man
but no one understands him or his woman

 

Backup singers
George Bush!

 

END SCENE.

 

21. NEWS JOKES #3

 

Alexis

Welcome back.

 

Mike

21. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is backing a bill that would allow animal/human hybrid research.  He sheepishly confessed "It has always been a dream of mine to rule the country as a really fast cheetah-man." 
 

Alexis

22. A 76 year old man became the oldest to climb Mount Everest.  He attributes his success to the new product Big Assed Mountain Viagra. 

 

Mike

23. John McCain claims Barack Obama represents the wrong type of change for America.  McCain commented "We can't trust a man that has changed so much.  At the beginning of my political career, Obama would not have even been allowed to use my restroom." 

 

Alexis

24. The courthouse from Back to the Future was burned in a fire at Universal Studios in Hollywood, California.  Police are on the lookout for the suspected culprit, Biff. 

 

Mike

25. The Oddest Book Title award was recently given to ‘If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs.' The second place prize was awarded to a similarly themed book for gay men ‘If you want openness in your relationship, start with your assholes.’ 

 

Alexis

26. President Bush visited Italy last month.  He was disappointed that he was unable to personally meet his Italian heroes: Rocky, Chef Boyardee, and Benito Mussolini. 

 

Mike

27. David Hasslehoff declared his desire to purchase a Scottish castle and name it after himself.  Historians have noted that this would be the first "Castle Lucky Cheesedick." 

 

Alexis

28. Jessica Simpson was angered when vegetarian Pamela Anderson called her a "whore" for wearing a shirt stating "Real Girls Eat Meat."  Jessica hit back with a new shirt that read "Real whores are afraid to eat meat because they'll get fat."   

Mike

29. Rhode Island police arrested a man last week with a record high Blood Alcohol level of .491.  In a related story, police officials have no idea why Rhode Island is a vacation spot for Keith Richards. 

 
Alexis

30. 80's metal band Foreigner recently released a new greatest hits album.  The album contains twelve different re-mixes of "Hot Blooded."       

 

Mike

And we’ll have more stories for you in just a few moments.

22. Modern Political Discourse- Obama/McCain

 

OPEN ON: MCCAIN STAGE LEFT, OBAMA STAGE RIGHT.  SLIDE COMMENTS APPEAR IN UNISON WITH STATEMENTS

 

Statement                                                        Slide                                                   

 

Obama

McCain’s era has passed.        

Old fuck!

McCain wants more war.                              

This sicko likes it when people die.

McCain only cares about the super rich.      

Those pricks?  Come on! 

McCain

Obama is inexperienced.                               

He ain’t done shit!

Obama is weak on terror.                              

He’s a pussy.

Obama wants to punish the wealthy.            

Like that could ever happen!

Obama

McCain makes exaggerated claims.             

War hero my ass!

McCain is disrespected in his own party.     

No one likes a back stabber.

McCain is not good for America.                 

We don’t need another rich white guy.

 

McCain

Obama makes exaggerated claims.               

Greatest speaker of this era?  He’s boring!

Obama is disrespected in his own party.      

Smart ass know it all!

Obama is not good for America.                   

He’s a socialist.

 

Obama

McCain is a religious flip flopper.               

Pseudo Christian to bad Christian.   

McCain is already threatening Iran.                         

That’s scarier than a black leader!

McCain is preying on Americans fear.         

He thinks you believe his bullshit.

 

McCain

Obama is a religious flip flopper.                 

He dumped his rock n’ roll church for votes.

Obama is already threatening America.       

Peace talks don’t make enemies disappear.

Obama is preying on Americans fear.                      

Hope?  Change?  Sounds like a TV psychic.

 

Obama

McCain is not being honest.                         

He’s Bush, with a bit more of a brain!

McCain is proposing dangerous strategies.  

You won’t be able to afford anything!

McCain is the anti-Christ.                             

Electing him results in the end of the world!

 

McCain

Obama is not being honest.                           

He’s Hillary in blackface!

Obama is proposing dangerous strategies.   

You’ll all be on welfare!

Obama is Satan.                                             

Electing him results in the end of the world! 

OBAMA AND MCCAIN GIVE EACH OTHER THE ONE FINGER SALUTE

End scene.

 

23. Spiritual Adviser Exposed- Jenny/Steve/Joan/Rod/Jim/Mark/Doug/Tony

 

ROD ENTERS AND SPEAKS IN A SIMILAR MANNER TO A FAITH HEALER STEREOTYPE

 

Rod

I, Pastor Rod, am the Lord’s anointed!

 

Jim

Rod Parsley is a dangerous demagogue preaching as much hate as Reverend Wright.

 

Rod

Only those that receive Jesus and obey the commandments of the Lord shall be saved!  All others will spend eternity in suffering because they denied the truth of Jesus!

 

Jenny

Parsley believes that the United States was founded in part to destroy Islam, since the Koran was revealed to Mohammed by demonic forces.

 

Rod

Islam is a false religion sent by the devil to distract the children of God away from truth!  America cannot stand by idly, allowing servants of Satan to usurp this great nation!

 

Steve

He preaches that radical homosexuals intend to destroy the American family.

 

Rod

There is a warped agenda that has nothing to do with gay or lesbian rights.  What we are talking about is an attack on the institution of sanctified marriage!

 

Joan

He teaches that the end times are upon us and we need to get ready for the final war.

 

Rod

God has warned us.  Jesus is coming back.  We need to prepare for the inevitable battles that will soon wage over the nation of Israel!

 

Jim

He preaches that all Americans are guilty of genocide since we pay taxes that support abortion clinics.

 

Rod

We are in the midst of a Holocaust that has led to more deaths than the tragic events of Nazi Germany. Abortion!  Unless we are fighting this evil, we are helping murderers!

 

Jenny

He preaches that secularists want to destroy Christianity.

 

Rod

They teach your children that they descended from apes and can’t pray in school!  We can’t let our children be taught lies when we have Jesus on our side!

 

Steve

He speaks in tongues.

 

(Gibberish) Tjoijfriojfaiodsjfisajif  fjdpsda fdjklfsjd  fjdflsdfsd fjdof.  The Lord wants a revival!  The Lord wants healing.  Shout amen!  Amen!

 

Joan

He has videos of himself faith healing by knocking down believers and saying things like God wants them to have an airplane. 

 

Jenny

Yeah!  Look it up on you tube if you don’t believe us!  Faith healing and God giving away planes!

 

MARK, DOUG, AND TONY ENTER

 

Rod

Your cancer is no more!

 

ROD SMACKS MARK’S FOREHEAD AND MARK DROPS TO THE GROUND SWIFTLY

 

Rod

You will never sin again!

 

ROD AGGRESSIVELY SHOVES TONY INTO THE WALL

 

Rod
Your amputated limb will grow back!

 

ROD WAVES HIS HAND AGGRESSIVELY TWO FEET AWAY FROM DOUG BUT DOUG MANAGES TO PASS OUT ANYWAY

 

Joan

He makes crazy promises.

 

Rod

God gives to the faithful.  The Lord said “Ask and ye shall receive.”  He didn’t say ask and wonder!  He said ask and ye shall receive!  Ask for a Mercedes in the name of Jesus!

 

Jim

And he talks like this: (imitation) I heal you in the name of the Holy Spirit.  Praise be to Jesus!  Expect a miracle!  Expect God to show you signs! 

 

Rod

God wants every person to be saved.  He gives us so much proof of his mercy that those that refuse his love condemn themselves through sin!

 

Jenny

Come on!  Anybody who talks like the Arsenio Hall preacher guy in Coming to America is obviously full of shit!

 

Steve

And he is a multi-millionaire with his own mansion funded by the generosity of God.

 

Joan

And over 12,000 members of his mega-church.

 

Rod

Because I have kept my covenant with the Lord, I have been rewarded like King David.  When are you going start living abundantly by accepting the Lord’s graces too?

 

Steve

So if you happen to have any media moguls friends, hip them to the fact that this guy is the adviser to a major political candidate.

 

Joan

And that could be dangerous for all of us.

 

Joan, Jim, and Jenny

Amen!

 

End scene.

25. Economic Jump- Daddy Mack/Mack Daddy/Background dancers and singers

ALL SING TO THE TUNE OF “JUMP” BY KRISS KROSS

 

Daddy Mack

You should know, you should know that ahhh
Stock markets not doing very well today

Mack Daddy

As we stand here totally decked out
We have plans to make you

All
Jump Jump

Daddy Mack

The Dow Jones will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

Mack Daddy

The Nas-daq will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

Daddy Mack

Smart trades will make you

 

All

Jump Jump

Mack Daddy
Don't try to compare this to another bad fiscal fad
I am mad, markets bad, this is something that we never had

Daddy Mack

I'll make it Jump Jump, end economic slump
Cause I'll be using techniques that make it wanna

 

All

Jump

 

Mack Daddy
How high? Real high
Cause I'm just so fly
A young mo-bi-le, profiled type of guy

Daddy Mack

My portfolio’s in the black cuz I never

 

All

Slack

 

Daddy Mack
while the market is wiggida wiggida

 

All

Wack

Mack Daddy

I’m brain stormin' with somethin' to keep you jumpin
S&P ain’t bullcrap, so don’t be dumpin'

Daddy Mack

And learn something from a rich boss, they all that
So when they ask do you rock just believe that

All
Jump Jump

Mack Daddy

The Dow Jones will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

Daddy Mack

The Nas-daq will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

 

Mack Daddy
Smart trades will make you

 

All

Jump Jump 

Daddy Mack

uh huh uh huh

 

All
Jump Jump

Mack Daddy

The Dow Jones will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

Daddy Mack

The Nas-daq will have to

 

All

Jump Jump

Mack Daddy

Smart trades will make you

 

All

Jump Jump
 

Daddy Mack
Believe dat

 

End scene.

26. How Can You Hate The Love Guru?-Cindy/Shawn/Lola/George/Bill/Lewis

 

Cindy

Hello, I’m Cindy Peters, Head of Public Relations.  Paramount Pictures will now address a troubling issue.

 

Shawn

Our beloved star, Mike Myers, is starring in a project just released titled The Love Guru.

 

Lola

The Love Guru is a great piece of work.  It makes people think and laugh.

 

Cindy

But we are facing protests from people who have misperceptions about our film.

 

Lola

The Love Guru has nothing to do with Hinduism.

 

Shawn

Many Hindus honor their most cherished spiritual advisers with this title.

 

Lola

But we mean Guru in the generic sense, not Hindu specific sense.

 

Shawn

We do not intend to mock Hinduism.

 

Cindy

Or any other faith.

 

Cindy

Paramount Pictures respects Hinduism and every other religious creed.

 

Shawn

So we hired celebrities to show you what people who do not respect Hinduism are like.

 

GEORGE, BILL, AND LEWIS ENTER.  CINDY, SHAWN, AND LOLA EXIT

 

George

Hey folks, I’m George Lopez.  If Hindus are offended by a PG-13 movie, they’re the problem. 

 

Bill

How you doing?  I’m Bill Maher.  Hindus are protesting the Love Guru movie?  A FICTIONAL movie?  Mike Myers films are not truth!  Silly Hindus.

 

Lewis

Lewis Black here!  I have advice for protesting Hindus: Look around the world.  Note real suffering taking place.  Then shut the fuck up about problems with comedy movies!

 

George

Hindus have more gods than I can count.  If they don’t want to be mocked, they need to stop showing us pictures of cartoon blue men gods with 10 arms they worship. 

 

Bill

The Hindu caste system teaches that people should get jobs based on their actions in a past life.  What bullshit that is!  One day old and destined to be untouchable for life!

 

Lewis

We should question the sanity of a Hindu culture that allows millions of people to go to bed hungry while treating a fucking cow as a sacred being.  Don’t starve, eat sacred cow!

 

George

Don’t be shocked if people choose to mock a belief in reincarnation, karma, or magical gods.  Why?  Because there is not one shred of evidence that any of it is true! 

 

Bill

Let Mike Myers have his film.  It is unlikely that Mike Myers or the studio that produced it were aiming to insult Hindus.  That would offend the studio’s real god: Money! 

 

Lewis

Use your intelligence and go see another movie if this film offends you.  Although if you believe in Hinduism, appealing to your intelligence might not be the wisest strategy. 

 

George

Hindus, quit acting as if the tribal superstition you proclaim to believe in is above mockery.  And may I be reincarnated as a Jessica Alba like being if I am wrong!

 

GEORGE, BILL, AND LEWIS EXIT.  CINDY ENTERS.

 

Cindy

Paramount Pictures clearly does not share the attitudes of these spiteful comedians.  Go see The Love Guru if you want proof for yourselves.

 

End scene.

 

28. Bar Gay Rights- Hank/Charlene/Lisa/Arnold/John/Paul/George/Ringo

 

OPEN ON: GAY RIGHTS PROTESTERS AT THE CALIFORNIA STATE COURTHOUSE.

 

Hank

This is a travesty!  California is not a place that welcomes homosexuals!

 

Charlene

You’re ruining the reputation of the state!

 

Lisa

People, relax.  Our Governor has a few words to bring some calm to the storm.

 

ARNOLD ENTERS TO APPLAUSE

 

Arnold

I believe homosexual marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman.  The courts have ruled.  But when it comes to fighting for traditional marriage, I’ll be back!

 

ARNOLD EXITS

 

Lisa

Thank you, Governor.  We have some entertainment next to satisfy you cooks, I mean sensible citizen protesters.  Ladies and gentlemen I give you, Beatlemania.

 

GEORGE, JOHN, PAUL, AND RINGO ENTER AS BEATLEMANIA

 

George

Hey there groovy anti-gay legislation fans!

 

Paul

We are Beatlemania!

 

John
And we have opposed gay marriage since we first heard it proposed in the 1970’s.

 

Ringo

Yeah!

 

Paul

(Whispers) Even the fake Ringo clings to the rest of us.  (Louder) And we would love to perform one of our old hits, with a slightly new twist.

 

Ringo

1,2,3,4

BEATLEMANIA SINGS THE LYRICS TO “HARD DAY’S NIGHT” BY THE BEATLES

 

John

We will ignore gay rights

And we will treat them worse than dogs

 

Paul

We will ignore gay rights

Just like the old days when we flogged

 

George

But if I ever see you

Do the gay things that you do

I’ll make you see that I’m right

                            

John

You know I work all day

To earn money to do straight things

 

Paul

It’s not worth it just to have some gays

Make me look at their gross things

 

George

Those homos

They want to destroy what’s right ight

 

John

Those homos

They force me to fight, fight yeah

 

Paul

We can’t have more gay rights

Read all about it in my blog

 

George

We must stop all gay rights

Because we all know they are wrong

 

John

Gay marriage isn’t right

 

Paul

Gay marriage isn’t right

 

George, Paul, John, and Ringo

Gay marriage isn’t right

 

End scene.

29. Snooty Grammar Club- Chauncey/Julie/Frank/Gina/Patricia/Stephen/William/Milton

OPEN ON: A GRAMMAR CLUB MEETING

 

CHAUNCEY

Welcome to the Grammar club.  I, Chauncey Whitebread the fourth, am a grammatician, and appreciator of the beautiful language, English.

 

JULIE

Well put old chap.

 

CHAUNCEY

Well put old chap?  We are among the finest minds of our time!  An expression like “well put old chap” has been uttered in these sacred halls? 

 

FRANK

Here, here!

 

CHAUNCEY

Here, here?  Can we permit a fully functional adult to use a repetition of two words to communicate?  Even a baby can utter two syllables at a time.  

 

GINA

Quite right old bean!

 

CHAUNCEY

Quite right old bean?  Are you intentionally attempting to provoke my disgust?  No part of anything I want to be associated with is either old or a bean. 

 

PATRICIA

We hear you loud and clear big guy.

 

CHAUNCEY

Surely you jest madam!  Such a colloquialism should not be uttered in a proper Elementary School, yet alone in the presence of enlightened adults. 

 

STEPHEN

Lighten up Chauncey!  God forbid anybody talks like real people.

 

CHAUNCEY

You sir, are completely out of order!  The purpose of these meetings is to cultivate an environment where geniuses converse in sophistication. 

 

STEPHEN

I don’t know about you, but I’m here to network and get drunk. 

 

CHAUNCEY

Does this charlatan represent the opinions of others in our gathering?

 

WILLIAM

Yeah, pretty much.

 

FRANK

I sure feel that way.

 

PATRICIA

I just came with him.

 

CHAUNCEY

What a treacherous day!  I will not succumb to lowered standards.  Any that wish to overindulge in alcoholic intoxication may congregate where the spirits are contained.

 

FRANK

Hey, we can drink instead of listening to this dick!

 

STEPHEN

Yeah!

 

EVERYONE MOVES EXCITEDLY TOWARDS THE BAR EXCEPT MILTON

 

MILTON

Your presentation was transcendent.  May we experience illuminating conversation!

 

CHAUNCEY LOOKS STARTLED

 

CHAUNCEY

Illuminating conversation?  You think you’re better than me? 

 

MILTON

Sir, I was genuinely captivated by your words and intended no trespass.

 

CHAUNCEY

Boy, you just can’t wait to show me up on my own turf.  Trespass?  Who the hell uses that?  I oughtta kick your know it all ass back to your prissy boy college!

 

MILTON

If you desire to engage in a physical altercation your request will be granted.

 

CHAUNCEY

Let’s rock, pretty boy.

 

CHAUNCEY PICKS UP A CHAIR AND SWINGS IT AT MILTON BUT MISSES.  MILTON FALLS TO THE GROUND AND KICKS CHAUNCEY’S LEGS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HIM.  MILTON PUMMELS CHAUNCEY UNTIL HE IS UNCONSCIOUS.  MILTON STANDS UP AND BRUSHES HIMSELF OFF.

 

MILTON

In the end good grammar always wins. 

 

MILTON GIVES CHAUNCEY A FINAL KICK TO THE BODY BEFORE EXITING

 

End scene.

32. NEWS JOKES #4

 

Alexis

Thanks for joining us again.

 

Mike

31. Wiccans operating a witch school are under attack from local Christian groups.  The Christians who symbolically eat the flesh and drink the blood of their crucified savior that came back from the dead especially object to the Wiccans bizarre rituals. 

 

Alexis

32. Will Ferrell recently purchased a race horse.  Based on its owners training, experts believe the horse will provide much laughter when running naked. 

 

Mike

33. Jesse Jackson was caught on tape uttering the "N word" while off camera.  To avoid future problems, Jackson pledged to stop speaking while off camera. 

 

Alexis

34. Russian government leaders created a program to send astronauts to Mars.  Scientists completed all voyage plans, except how to store enough life sustaining vodka.

 

Mike

35. A Lake Bluff man is being sued by the city due to receiving an 80,000 dollar tax break after claiming his private residency was a church.  The city is disputing the validity of his god, a big pile of 80,000 dollars.   

 

Alexis

36. 69 youths were charged with underage drinking after a Naperville party.  Community officials expressed disappointment that the youths were so clueless about how to conduct a 69 party. 

 

Mike

37. While visiting Australia, the Pope made a speech attacking consumer culture.  Immediately after speaking, the Pope flew in his private jet back to the Vatican.    

 

Alexis

38. A Denver woman shocked a crowd by singing the Black National Anthem in place of the Star Spangled Banner.  Onlookers were surprised to hear that the anthem is "2 Legit to Quit." 

 

Mike

39. A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer, Texas.  He is doing surprisingly well with Republicans and predictably well with Catholic clergy.  
 
 Alexis

40. Bill Gates donated more than $300 million dollars to help farmers in third world countries.  To maintain his "one for you and one for me" policy on charity, Gates then spent three hundred million dollars on hookers. 

 

Mike

We’ll be back after a few brief messages.

33. Dream Job Interview- Mr. Stone/Regina/Mr. President

 

OPEN ON: MR. STONE pacing nervously in a suit and tie

 

Mr. Stone

All right, I can do this.

 

Regina

The boss will see you now for your interview, Mr. Stone.

 

Mr. Stone

Thank you.

 

MR.STONE walks into THE OFFICE. Mr. President IS SITTING

 

Mr. President

Oh my God!  Don’t say a word.  You are the vision of all my dreams. 

 

MR. STONE LOOKS SURPRISED

 

Mr. President

You are exactly what we are looking for.  You’re hired!

 

Mr. Stone

Really?

 

Mr. President

You are the type of man we need.  I can just tell. 

 

Mr. Stone

Thank you, sir.

 

Mr. President

You are quite welcome.  Now what job did you come here for today?

 

Mr. Stone

Assistant Producer, sir.

 

Mr. President

Assistant?  I don’t want you starting out there.  You should be a producer!

 

Mr. Stone

I think that would be……

 

Mr. President

Too little?   I agree.  Someone like you should be a vice president of creative affairs.

 

Mr. Stone

I would like….

 

Mr. President

You are a shrewd negotiator.  You are the one to head the Creative Affairs Department.

 

Mr. Stone

Can I ask you a few questions?

 

Mr. President

Impressive.  Curious and ambitious type.  I want you to ask questions as the Head Executive of Departmental Affairs.

 

Mr. Stone

I don’t know what to say.

 

Mr. President

Playing hard to get.  What do you say to being my right hand man as Vice President?

 

Mr. Stone

I think that would be an honor.

 

Mr. President

Splendid.  I’m taking a sabbatical.  I need you to fill in for me immediately. 

 

Mr. Stone

I…..

 

Mr. President

I’ll take that as a yes.  I don’t want to waste any time here.  You may ask one question.

 

Mr. Stone

Is this for real?

 

Mr. President

Yes.  I hope that was helpful.  Your rise to the top is quite a story.  Good luck.

 

Mr. President exits.  Mr. Stone sits down in the chair.

 

Mr. Stone

What can I say?  I know how to sweet talk.

 

End scene.

34. Creation Science Summer School- Adam/Eve/Matt/Mark/Luke/John/Ruth

 

Adam

Are you tired of your children getting lessons from wicked secularists that leave God out of the classroom?

 

Eve

Oh my good Lord, yes!  Their lies just make me so gosh darned angry! 

 

Mark

If they never hear the truth of God, they might begin to believe in devil religions!

 

Adam

Worry no more!  The Christian Coalition has teamed up with Planned Parenthood to bring you Creation Science Summer Schools!

 

Eve

What?

 

Adam

At Creation Science Summer Schools we teach God’s truths!   We teach real science.

 

Matt

God made everyone and everything.  Can I hear an amen?

 

Mark

Amen.

 

Matt

Don’t forget to work on your life begins at conception paper after dinner and prayer hour.

 

Adam

We teach Godly art.

 

Luke

Ruth, I don’t know what you were taught in your last school.  But you need to know they were evil liars.  Bible researchers have found evidence that Jesus was actually white. 

 

Adam

We teach Godly math.

 

John

Now, Ruth.  If the church spends millions on building a new facility, how much will they have to pay in taxes?

 

RUTH PAUSES FOR A MOMENT

 

Ruth

Hmmm.  Ah, none.

 

John

Correct as always.  And let’s not forget that is the way God wants it to be.  Just make sure you give at least ten percent of what you make to church or you are serving Satan.

 

Adam

History.

 

Mark

We all know God wanted kings to rule for most of human history.  But now he wants everyone to live in a God centered democracy.  George W. Bush is a great American hero.  He fights for the right to life for the unborn and fights our dangerous enemies.

 

Ruth

But what about the war?  Don’t those soldiers’ lives have value?

 

Mark

Oh, Ruth.  You have to quit asking questions.  George W. Bush is sending good Christian soldiers to help defeat the forces of terrorists.  He is doing God’s will, just like David did.

 

Adam

And of course, that old time religion.

 

Mark

In shop class, we will learn about how Noah built a giant Ark.

 

Luke

In literature, we will discuss the book of Revelations and what it means in these last days.

 

John

In gym class, we will mold you to treat your body as a temple of the Lord.

 

Adam

So bring your child up as a warrior for God. 

 

John

Your holy offspring deserve better than being taught unholy lies. 

 

Adam

Creation Science Summer schools bring rewards that will stay with kids for all eternity!

 

End scene.

 

35. Another Dream – MLK Jr.

I am not happy today, but I have a feeling this will go down as the best damn dream speech in the history of our nation. 

Long ago, Lincoln sent thousands to kill their own countrymen, and signed a meaningless Emancipation Proclamation. This pointless decree gave no hope to millions of whipped and chained Negro slaves seared in the flames of withering injustice- and actual, literal flames sometimes too.

The Negro still is not free.  There are actually worse names we are called than Negro in 2009!  The Negro is broke, surrounded by evil, rich oppressors.  You know we live in shameful conditions.   BET is below degrading.  Our only respectable leaders, like Obama or Tiger Woods, have to act whiter than Barry Manilow to have any success.  Oh, and we’re still left to die by the thousands when something like Katrina hits.

We've come to our nation's capital to cash a check.  And no, not a welfare check you smug racists!

It is obvious America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."   America needs to be better than my shady Uncle Bookie! 

We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt, despite painfully overwhelming evidence that it is. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.  We’ve seen the big houses that Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow have on Cribs. 

And so we've come to cash this check, a check for freedom and security of justice.  But if we can’t get that, at least hook us up with some reparations.  Everyone knows slavery was the worst thing ever!  Let my brothers and sisters see some cash!

This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism.  Unless we are talking about cooling off with a refreshing Iced Lipton Tea.  Lipton- the tea for great speakers like me, and you too!

Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.  Without the brutal treatment of women, Native Americans, Asians, Blacks, Latinos, Arabs, hillbilly whites, and anyone in the white man power club that had the courage to speak out against cruel racism.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment.  We have more kids that listen to Kanye West than our black cultural icons: Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Al Sharpton.  Hmm… actually that’s probably a good thing.  Too many of our leaders are corrupt charlatans, bullies, and frauds.  Kanye’s at least got mad beats and skills to match his misguided arrogance.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice.  Let me in the palace man!  I’m tired of talking to fools who don’t get my message in the streets.  Let a hero retire in style for God’s sake.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.  Let’s go forward by looking back.  We need more sitcoms like back in the 70’s, like Sanford and Son, Good Times, or The Jeffersons.  The trash we have now is embarrassing.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities- if you’re an idiot!  Grow up!  There is nothing but misery in any of those places for us.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."  Except for when we are clearly way better.  Barack Obama or George W. Bush?  Obama is superior in every way, except maybe in monster truck races, barn dancing, or some mindless activity like that.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will hold a boxing match for control of the state.  We would destroy those bigots!  

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.  But I have no belief that will happen any time soon, so get out, fast.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.   Well, not that little devil Patrice, but you get my point.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.  And not in a disturbing Michael Jackson kind of way.

I have a dream today. 

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of America- or even better, in the cities where black people actually live.

Let freedom ring.  Find freedom by getting the AT and T free nights and weekends plan today!  When we let AT and T ring we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children - black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics - will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, AT and T is free at last!"

36. Benchwarmers-Vick/Cindy/Billy/Reed

 

Vick

Are you working every waking moment to be the best? 

 

Cindy

Or would you rather enjoy life?

 

Vick

Statistically speaking, you are probably not a star. 

 

Cindy

So quit buying athletic apparel that pretends you are. 

 

VICK AND CINDY HOLD PLAIN ATHLETIC APPAREL

 

Vick

Forget about the best. 

 

Cindy

You need Benchwarmers to accommodate the lifestyle you want.

 

BILLY AND REED ENTER HOLDING PLAIN ATHLETIC APPAREL

 

Billy

Hi.  You don’t know me.  I’m Billy Petick, pitching benchwarmer for the Chicago Cubs.

 

Reed

And I’m Reed Johnson, outfielder benchwarmer for the Chicago Cubs.

 

Billy

Benchwarmers clothing has made our lives so much better.

 

Reed

Their patented technology provides comfort while sitting.

 

Billy

As long as you are riding the pine, you may as well admit you’re nothing special.

 

Reed

Stop kidding yourself.

 

Billy

Be proud of being less than great.

  

Reed

Watch the stars, don’t be one.

 

Billy

Let everyone know you are just a role player.

 

Reed

Most stars have a psychopathic need to be the best.

 

Billy

Most great athletes have to work hard for life.

 

Reed

But anyone can be a guy who barely matters.

 

Billy

Be proud of the adequate life you have built.

 

Reed

Remember, stars are arrogant!

 

Billy

It is better to live a life of freedom as a Benchwarmer.

 

Reed

Pick up Benchwarmer gear and join the crowd, today!

 

End scene.

37. ACLU - Jane/Bill/Cop/Indian/Biker/Cowboy/Construction Worker

 

Jane

The constitution is getting trashed by our courts.

 

Bill

Hundreds of gay people are jailed unfairly for violating sodomy laws.

 

Jane

Homosexuals in the U.S. are still treated like Ricky Martin at a clan rally.

 

Bill

And nobody seems to care.

 

Jane

Man, I wish more people were passionate about gay rights civil liberties cases.

 

Bill

I think I know how we can get people involved.

 

Jane

HOW?

 

Bill

The magic of song!

 

INDIAN, COP, BIKER, COWBOY, AND CONSTRUCTION WORKER ENTER AND SING TO THE TUNE OF “YMCA” BY THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.  ALL FORM APPROPRIATE LETTERS ABOVE THEIR HEADS WHEN “ACLU” IS SUNG.

Cop
We’ll win your case at the

 

All

ACLU

Indian

We help the gays at the

 

All

ACLU

Biker
There are rights that you have that you need to enjoy,

Cowboy

You’ll win cash with our legal boys ...

Construction Worker
We’ll win your case at the

 

All

ACLU

Cop

We help the gays at the

 

All

ACLU

 

All

ACLU

 

End scene.

  

39. Crazy Cruise?-Representative/Drew/Kate

 

Representative

To settle the question of the sanity of Tom Cruise, we have with us tonight Dr. Drew Pinsky and Tom’s lovely wife Katie Holmes presenting their points in a unique format.

 

DREW, KATIE, AND ANY MUSICIANS REQUIRED ENTER.  DREW AND KATIE SING TO THE TUNE OF “IRON MAN” BY BLACK SABBATH.

 

Drew

He is batshit man!

 

Has he lost his mind?
Tonight show couches he has climbed
Is he sane at all?
Or like his stardom will he fall?

 
Is he A-list or dead?
What the hell is in his head?
He and Kate are a cute pair?
Why should we even care?

Katie
He was turned to steel
By the lying media people
He’s ahead of his time
Knows the future of mankind

Drew
Nobody wants him

He just ignores the world
Planning his vengeance                                                                
A new bad film will unfold

 

Katie

He’s so good in bed
Fills his women full of cred
Sign him as fast as you can
My husband lives again!

 

End scene.

 

40. NEWS JOKES #5

 

Alexis

And we’re back.

 

Mike

41. The voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, donated ten million dollars to scientology.  In a related story, scientists have developed studies that prove ten million reasons why you are smarter than Nancy Cartwright. 

 

Alexis

42. Governor Blagojevich issued a new economic stimulus package.  The plan proposes for all adult citizens earning less than $30,000 a year to be deported to Gary, Indiana. 

 

Mike

43. Last week, a wounded British soldier completed the London Marathon on crutches in 13 days.  The soldier completed the marathon to show the world how easy it should be for healthy soldiers to get out of Iraq.

 

Alexis

44. Famed musician and environmentalist Paul McCartney has been criticized for flying a hybrid car from Japan to his native England instead of shipping it by boat.  Sir Paul made amends by offering the environmental movement an all natural, organic fuck you. 

 

Mike

45. Michael Moore announced that his next film will be about how the world has viewed the US since 9/11.  The movie will simply be titled "Assholes." 

 

Alexis

46. A recent poll shows that only 18% of American Muslim men are willing to fight for the United States in the Middle East.  The percentage of those willing to fight is only lower among eligible children of Presidents named Bush. 

 

Mike

47. Janet Jackson is set to go on tour for the first time in seven years.  To prevent tragic wardrobe malfunction the singer pledged to just do the show topless.  

 

Alexis

48. Lindsey Lohan is busy writing her memoirs after several stints in rehab.  After all, everyone knows that drug abusing; financially successful people in their early twenties have the most insight about life.

 

Mike

49. Angelina Jolie has been accused of taking her babies to a war zone.  Just after returning with her kids from Iraq, she was shocked to find so many people were angry with her for going to Detroit. 

 

Alexis

50. Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails headlined the Lollapalooza music festival.  The bands merged into a gothic British art group and just played songs from The Cure. 

 

Mike

We’ll have more news for you later tonight.

 

41. Fresh Princess-Off stage rapper/Palin/Palin’s kids/Rep. Thug 1/Rep. Thug 2/McCain

 

OFF STAGE RAPPER RAPS TO THE TUNE OF “THE THEME TO THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR

 

OPEN ON: PALIN ON A THRONE

 

Now this is the story

All about how

Palin got picked

From a small town

It will only take a minute

We’ll make it plain

To tell you how she became

The VP of a guy named McCain

 

FIVE ACTORS ENTER AS PALIN’S KIDS AND RUN AROUND THE STAGE.  SHE CHASES THEM.

 

From the middle of nowhere

Born and raised

On the playground

Was where she spent most of her days

Governed moose tracks

For two years like a fool

And she was chasing her five kids

Outside of their school

REP. THUG 1 and 2 ENTER.  PALIN’S KIDS EXIT.

 

When a couple of guys

They were up to no good

Started seeing trouble

From this Barack hood

 

So they thought that a chick

Could hurt the black brain

She said

 

Palin

Oh gosh, I would love to be the VP of McCain

 

REP. THUG 1 and 2 SHAKE HANDS WITH PALIN AND EXIT.   PALIN REPEATEDLY SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS, LAUGHS, AND SMILES.

 

Although she knew nothing

When questions came near

The lying press called her fresh

And never looked in the mirror

 

If anything I could say that this chick’s insane

Then I thought, holy Jesus

She’s worse than McCain

 

MCCAIN ENTERS AND HOLDS HANDS WITH PALIN WHILE THEY WAVE AT THE AUDIENCE

 

They might get the White House

Due to southern primates

If you thought things were shabby

Yo homes wait til’ later

 

Republican queendom

Hockey Mom will bring pain

And sit on her throne

As the VP of McCain

 

MCCAIN AND PALIN KNOCK ON THE CENTER STAGE DOOR.  THEY MOVE THEIR HEADS IN A MANNER SIMILAR TO WILL SMITH IN THE FRESH PRINCE OPENING SEQUENCE- EASILY FOUND ON YOUTUBE.

 

End scene.

 

42. VIOLENT NIGHT- Choirmaster/Choir/Military Psycho 1/Military Psycho 2/ Woman/Child

 

Choirmaster

This song is dedicated to all the people who suffer through war.

 

CHOIR SINGS TO THE TUNE OF “SILENT NIGHT

 

Choir

Violent Night, unholy night

 

MILITARY PSYCHOS ENTER

 

Choir

Drop napalm, time to fight  

 

BOMB SOUND EFFECT IS HEARD.  MILITARY PSYCHOS GIVE EACH OTHER AN ENTHUSIASTIC HIGH FIVE.  WOMAN AND CHILD ENTER.

 

Choir

Rape a virgin, mother, or child

 

MILITARY PSYCHOS RAPE WOMAN AND CHILD

 

Choir

Holy war’s not tender and mild  

 

MILITARY PSYCHOS THROW WOMAN AND CHILD TO GROUND

 

Choir

Sleep in heavenly peace

 

MILITARY PSYCHO 1 SLITS THE THROAT OF THE WOMAN.  SHE DIES.

 

Choir

Sleep in heavenly peace

 

MILITARY PSYCHO 2 SLITS THE THROAT OF CHILD.  IT DIES.

 

End scene.

 

43. Marx. Brothers Tribute- Groucho/Georgia/Jimmy

 

Groucho

You’re gorgeous George?

 

Georgia

Yeah, that’s right.

 

Groucho

You sir, have a misnomer.

 

Georgia

You got me.  My real name is Georgia.

 

Groucho

All right, two misnomers.  I need you to carry my bags.

 

Georgia

I don’t do bags.

 

Groucho

But you’re a bellhop!

 

Georgia

Yeah, but I’m head bellhop.  Jimmy will get your bags.  Go ahead Jimmy.

 

JIMMY MAKES A HONK NOISE AND PICKS UP BAGS

 

Groucho

Fine.  But I’m not giving you a tip for instructing lesser bellhops.

 

Georgia

What?  That’s how I make my living!

 

Groucho

How about I tell you what to do and you pay me more than I give you?

 

Georgia

As long as I get paid.

 

Groucho

I hope you supervise better than you add.  All right, let’s go.

 

Georgia

Where you want to go?

 

Groucho

I was thinking of my room, probably like a lot of folks in this hotel.

 

Georgia

Oh, rooms.  That gonna run you five dollars extra.

 

Groucho

Five dollars?  My last name isn’t Rockefeller!

 

Georgia

All right, I give you our special for only seven dollars!  

 

Groucho

Maybe you’re better at math than I thought.  For that price, I’ll carry my own bags!

 

JIMMY DROPS THE BAGS AND HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS DEMANDING PAYMENT

 

Georgia

OK, that will be fifteen dollars!

 

Groucho

Fifteen dollars!  You must be crazier than an honest politician!

 

Georgia

Look here, we gotta five dollar transaction fee and a ten dollar cancellation fee.

 

Groucho

And what do you charge, assistant bellhop?

 

JIMMY HOLDS UP TEN FINGERS

 

Groucho

You’re going to charge me ten fingers?

 

JIMMY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HOLDS UP TEN FINGERS AGAIN

 

Groucho

English must be difficult for your friend here.

 

Georgia

Jimmy lost his voice in the war.

 

Groucho

What, the great opera war?  He talks the way I want my ex-wife to.  How are you Jimmy?

 

JIMMY MAKES A HONK NOISE, SMILES, AND DOES A CUTE SPIN DANCE

 

Groucho

You’re lucky.   I haven’t felt that way since I was three.

 

Georgia

So you gonna pay us?

 

Groucho

How about we go double or nothing?

 

Georgia

Sounds good.  You better pay up if you lose.

 

Groucho

I will, on my dead mother’s life.

 

Georgia

So what’s the bet?

 

Groucho

I’ll bet you didn’t see this coming.

 

GROUCHO GRABS JIMMY AND BEGINS DANCING WITH HIM

 

Georgia

I was close, but way off.  You got me.  But don’t ask us bellhops for nothin’ else.

 

Groucho

Now that’s a price I can pay.  Good day gentlemen.

 

Georgia

Mahzel tov.

 

JIMMY HONKS AND WAVES GOODBYE

 

Groucho

That’s service these days.  You have to fight just to break even doing things for yourself.

 

End scene. 

 

44. America’s Theme Song Debate- John/Choir 1/Choir 2

 

OPEN ON: CNN HEADLINE NEWS

 

John

What’s the better theme song for America?  You decide.

 

CHOIR 1 SINGS TO THE TUNE OF “GOD BLESS AMERICA”

 

Choir 1
The star spangled banner
What a poor song
It was made by an old loony
who was high and always wrong
It’s for war hawks, it’s for crazies,
It’s boring and it’s way too long
God bless America, that’s a real song!

 

CHOIR 2 SINGS TO THE TUNE OF “THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER”

 

Choir 2

Oh, say, can you see, God Bless America sucks?
What a piece of crap it is, that always leaves me gagging.
Whose bad lines and dumb rhymes, what perilous tripe,
O'er the TV we watch'd, we heard it’s campy tune,
Radio put it on air,  all that heard it had a scare,
Gave proof overnight, there is nothing good there.
O say, does that Star - Spangled Banner still rave
It’s the choice of the free and is sung by the brave.

 

END SCENE.

 

45. NEWS JOKES #6

 

Alexis

Welcome back faithful viewers.

 

Mike

51. The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records, saying the label illegally used their name to hurt the band's credibility with fans.  They are especially upset about advertising in Japan, with translations rendering them Shameful Destroyed Holiday Fruits. 

 

Alexis

52. Manchester United soccer star Rio Ferdinand recently became injured.  He plans to spend the time doing all he can to mentally prepare for soccer success: nothing.

Mike

53. The principal of Naperville Central High School admitted to plagiarizing a speech.  The principal drew immediate suspicion when opening his speech with "Holla at ya' boy Kanye West yall!" 

 

Alexis

54. The movie Hancock has been accused of containing homophobic dialogue.  Star of the movie, Will Smith, commented, "I couldn't support anything anti-gay!  I was a pioneer for gay rights when I agreed to publicly perform the Carlton dance."      

 

Alexis

56. Last Sunday, an Indiana pastor broke his wrist while using a dirt bike as a prop during a service.  The title of his sermon, "Unlike me, Jesus wasn't a dumbass." 

 

Mike      

57. Due to large debts, former NBA star Charles Barkley pledged to quit gambling.  His pal Michael Jordan also pledged to quit gambling on anything Charles bets on.      

 

Alexis

58. Elin Woods, wife of Tiger, recently gave birth to their second child.  The new baby’s name is being picked by his mother, as she was disappointed with Tiger’s choice of naming their first child Drink Pepsi, Wear Nike, Use Colgate, Eat Wendy’s Woods.

 

Mike

59. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shocked the world after he called long time enemy neighbor Iraq 'brotherly'.  He failed to mention he had his own brother killed for borrowing his Led Zeppelin records.

 

Alexis

60. And finally, a former UPS worker died last week and was taken to his funeral in a UPS van.  Predictably, the man arrived one day late with a shattered body. 

 

Mike

And that’s what’s current.  We’ll be back in a flash.

 

END NEWS SEGMENT

 

46. VP Girl- John/Sarah

 

JOHN AND SARAH SING TO THE TUNE OF “BARBIE GIRL” BY AQUA

 

John

Hi ya Sarah.

 

Sarah

Hi John.

 

John

You wanna go for a ride?

 

Sarah

Sure John.

 John

Jump in.

 

Sarah

I’m a VP girl

In a right wing world

I’ll be plastic

John’s fantastic

 

We are quite a pair

They’ll love us everywhere

We’ll rule the nation

Teaching kids creation

 

John

Come on Sarah join my party

 

Sarah

I’m a Mom down the block

From the small town world

Hook me up

Fill my cup

I’m your darling

 

John

You’re a doll

rock and roll

Red state glamour in pink

Ms. Daycare

Love your stare

Hanky panky

 

Sarah

Keep in touch

We will play

You can say I’m always yours

 

John

Come on Sarah let’s go party

 

Sarah

Oh oh oh

 

John

Come on Sarah let’s go party

 

Sarah

Eww whoa, eww whoa

 

Sarah

Oh, I’m having so much fun.

 

John

Well Sarah, we’re just getting started.

 

Sarah

How I love you John!

 

End scene.

47. Truth in Military Advertising - ARMY, Don

 

OPEN ON: A TV MILITARY AD

 

ARMY

Uncle Sam wants you!  Serve your country!

 

Don

Serve by blindly accepting orders to kill anyone on command.

 

ARMY

See the world.

 

Don

But only the worst parts of it

 

ARMY

Get money for college.

 

Don

All you have to do is risk your life for years to get a bachelor’s degree.

 

ARMY

You can be an army of one.

 

Don

Yes, one of many sheep who does exactly what you’re told: OR ELSE.

 

ARMY

Become one of the elite.

 

Don

If you survive.

 

ARMY

Sign up today!

 

Don

If you want to sign your life away

 

End scene.

  

48. ALL IN THE STRUGGLING FAMILY- Choir

 

PARODY OF “THOSE WERE THE DAYS.”  YOU KNOW, THE ALL IN THE FAMILY THEME.

Boy the way my bills ain’t paid

Living in recession age

Guys like us we have to pray

Broke USA

 

And our leaders chose to spend

Billions to save poor GM

We could use a man like Daddy War Bucks again

 

We’ve become a welfare state

Everybody’s losing weight

Man I’m feeling desperate

Broke USA

 

END SCENE.

 

49. Celibate- Nun 1/Nun 2/Cardinal Bob/Cardinal Tim/Cardinal Carl

 

ACTORS SING TO THE TUNE OF “CELEBRATION” BY KOOL AND THE GANG

 

Nun 1

Celibate clergy come on

 

Nun 2

Be celibate

 

Nun 1

Celibate clergy come on

 

Nun 2

Be celibate

 

Cardinal Bob

Evil party going on right here

A celibate man

Will never last a year

 

Cardinal Tim

So bring your lube tube

And your laughter too

They’re not celibate

They want to party with you

 

Cardinal Carl

Come on now

Celibate priests

They’re not celibate

But they have good times

 

Cardinal Bob

Celibate Priests

They’re not celebrate

They’ll have a good time tonight

 

Cardinal Tim

It’s gross

They come together

Do what they want

Just for pleasure

 

All

Everyone around the world wake up

Come on!

 

End scene.

 

50. New Who’s?  Mike/Ron

 

Mike

Hey Ron, welcome to the Cubs winter training center.

 

Ron

Hey Mike.  Ready to play ball?

Mike

No.  I’m not too sure about our lineup.

 

Ron

You’re not?

 

Mike

No.  Who’s on first?

 

Ron

Nobody.

 

Mike

We got nobody on first?

 

Ron

Right.

 

Mike

So why don’t we put somebody there?

 

Ron

He’s on second.

 

Mike

Who?

 

Ron

Somebody.

 

Mike

Right.  We need to put someone on first.

 

Ron

Can’t.  He’s covering shortstop.

 

Mike

Who’s covering shortstop?

 

Ron

Someone.

 

Mike

I know.  Who is the someone covering short?

 

Ron

It’s… oh wait.  I see the trouble.

 

Mike

What trouble?

 

Ron

The amazing coincidence of the player’s names has confused you.  Please let me explain.

 

Mike

That’d be nice.

 

Ron

A gentleman with the last name of “Nobody” is our first basemen.  His first name is Abe.  So let’s just say Abe’s on first.

 

Mike

That makes a lot more sense than nobody.

 

Ron

Of course it does.  A gentleman by the last name of “Somebody” is on second base.

 

Mike

That is confusing.  What’s his first name?

 

Ron

Well see, that’s the trouble.  It’s Abraham, but he prefers to go by Abe.

 

Mike

I see, so we have Abe Nobody and Abe Somebody as our first and second basemen.

 

Ron

Weird, huh?

 

Mike

Yeah.  So what’s the deal with this guy at short?

 

Ron

His last name is Someone.

 

Mike

Figures.  Let me guess, his first name is Abe.

 

Ron

No, it’s Harold.   But like his baseball idol, he likes to be called Babe.

 

Mike

Ha!  So we’ve got Abe Nobody, Abe Somebody, and Babe Someone.

 

Ron

That’s right.

 

Mike

That’s too confusing.  Why don’t we just put them in different parts of the field?

 

Ron

Fine.  It’s just baseball.

 

Mike

Good point.  Want to grab a beer?

 

Ron

Now that makes sense.

 

End scene.

 

51. Beat the White Brats - Amy/Becky/Sir Mix a Lot/Ahmed/Imran

 

ALL SING TO THE TUNE OF “BABY GOT BACK” BY SIR MIX A LOT

 

Amy
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at this stud.
He is so big. *scoff* He looks like,
one of those A-rab guys, girlfriend.
But, you know, who understands those A-rab guys? *scoff*
They only call us hoes, because,
we dress to them like prostitutes, 'kay?
I bet his nuts are just so big.
I can't believe he’s just so brown, it's like,
out there, I mean - whoa. Look!
He's just so ... dark!

Sir Mix-a-Lot
These Western sluts always cheat and lie
You Muslim brothers can't deny
That when a girl does sin it’s a pretty big waste
To spit vileness in Allah’s face

They’ll get hung; wanna call out their bluff
'Cause you know they can’t repent enough

Evil in the jeans she's wearing
The devil in me can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna just hit you
And burn your picture

My homeboys tried to warn me
But those butts you got

 

Amy and Becky

make men so ornery

Sir Mix a Lot

Ooh, you Americ-in
You say you wanna get in my pants?
Well, not me, not me
'Cause I ain't like average Jewry

I've seen your dancin'
To hell with your grave sin’
Don’t sweat, yet,
Got to go where justice is set

I’m tired of magazines
Showin’ their butts and things
Take a solid Muslim man and ask him that
She gotta pay much back

So, Muslims!

 

Ahmed, Imran

(Yeah!)

 

Sir Mix a Lot

Muslims!

 

Ahmed, Imran

(Yeah!)

Sir Mix a Lot

Have these women become sluts?

 

Ahmed, Imran

(Hell yeah!)

Sir Mix a Lot

Call 'em for sake- en!

 

Ahmed, Imran

(Sake-en!)

 

Sir Mix a  Lot

Sake-en!

 

Ahmed, Imran

(Sake-en!)

Sir Mix a Lot

Stop those wicked sluts!
Cut them no slack!

Imran

Unveiled face with exposed booty

Sir Mix a Lot

Beat the white brats

Take them out back

Stoning attack

Sir Mix a Lot
Sin is nothing little when you know the facts

 

End scene. 

52. NEWS JOKES #7

 

Alexis

And we’re back with our final segment for the evening.

 

Mike

61. Iran announced that it will now allow women to attend soccer matches in public.  The women are urged to dress conservatively, as the “stone er’ for a boner” rule still counts. 

 

Alexis

62. National statistics show a record number of Americans are now receiving unemployment benefits.  Experts also speculate an all-time high for the GMP, or Gross Masturbation Product.             

 

Mike

63. A series of atheist bus ads in Italy containing the phrase “No God” were recently banned.  In their place, ads with the bizarre phrase, “Yes, omniscient, omnipotent, transcendent, mystical, supernatural force.” 

 

Alexis

64. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is now allowing the general public to post comments on his blog.   It appears 125% of Russians think Medvedev is a fearless and perfect leader who would never crush people’s skulls for dissenting opinion.

 

Mike

65. Last week, President Bush made a speech indicating that he had made some mistakes during his presidency.  Bush commented, “Yeah, I regret that I didn’t take more advantage of the wonderful bowling alley in the White House.  Oh, and to anyone who knew someone in public schools, a retirement home, the military, college, the gay rights movement, the workplace, Guantanamo Bay, Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, or 9/11, my bad.”

 

Alexis

66. The City of Chicago announced that parking meters requiring coins are systematically being phased out.  To be fair to all citizens, all parking in Chicago will soon result in a fifty dollar fine.

 

Mike

67. Bono, Beyonce, and Bruce Springsteen are scheduled to headline Obama’s presidential inauguration.  That same night, Toby Keith, Britney Spears, and Larry the Cable Guy are scheduled to get real drunk with John McCain.   

 

Alexis

68. Celtics coach Doc Rivers publicly made light of his recent $15,000 fine.   Rivers first attempted to pay the fine in Disney dollars, then monopoly money, and finally McCain 08’ t-shirts.

 

Mike

69. A government report from 2004 reveals that the CIA staged mock executions to extract information from suspects.  To solve the controversy, the CIA intends to conduct a mock investigation.

Alexis

70. And our final news for tonight: No matter how civilized people pretend to be, we remain a species of warring monkeys.

 

Mike

Thank you for tuning in.  Good night.

 

END