Sometimes I'm serious.
I’ll let you in on a secret: The best way to make money is start your own Federal Reserve.
If you can’t do that, the best way to get a job is through your dictator father.
But if you lack that connection, determining what job one should have can be tough.
There are a million jobs one could do, but 999, 998 of them suck most of the time. Be an emperor or a rock star.
If you lack rock star chops or royal bloodlines, you’re screwed. The only choice most have after that is whether to be a bum or a corporate sell-out.
If you feel you have to join the slave labor class, here are a few tips:
Number 1: Never ever accept anything less than a billion dollar salary.
Number 2: If you have to sell out for less, try working for a corporation that’s going down in flames. It takes the pressure off making mistakes.
Number 3: Be honest in a job interview. Employers respect that. For example, if a job interviewer asks “What makes you the most qualified candidate for the position?” respond with:
“I may not have fancy qualifications, years of experience, or work ethic, but I believe I want the money more than others.”
Everybody can identify with that, and you’re sure to be hired instantly.
Once you get a job you hate, the fun begins. I’ve got helpful advice that can help you cope with the drudgery of the modern workplace:
Don’t allow yourself to be defined by your entry level job title. Nobody ever dreamed of being an assistant sales associate. Refuse to answer anyone at work who mentions your crappy job title. Make up your own dignified one, like Future CEO.
Completing tasks in different ways helps workers maintain morale. Do something different each day, even if it’s cheating different people.
Violence isn’t acceptable in most workplaces. But remember, there are people who work in professional wrestling. Learn your company policy on breaking chairs over co-workers backs, just to be on the safe side.
Gain skills at something people care about, but not too much. That way you can be comfortable, but nobody’s going to kill you. Be a good carpet salesman or some mundane equivalent in your profession.
Too many people get in trouble at work because they gossip about others. Mind your own business while on the job, unless your business is spying.
Contrary to popular belief, the customer isn’t always right. There are a lot of idiots. Don’t ever tell a moron they’re right if they’re not.
Once you’ve been at your job a while, you’ve probably earned enough trust from your employer to begin taking advantage of them.
If you want to get the most out of your job, don’t ever let distractions like church, significant others, or children get in the way of acquiring a higher salary.
Jobs all have their rough points. But no one thinks being the Pope is like being a janitor. Go for the job that requires the easiest workload for the biggest payday.
Those who try too hard look desperate. If you look desperate, you’ll be less respected than your co-workers. Never try harder than co-workers.
Those who work their hardest usually only have a few more successes than those who never do. Only work as hard as you must to avoid getting fired.
Someday, you might get down about how little you’ve achieved. But no one should get depressed about their meager career achievements in a world where we know billions of other people are nothing special.
All companies want the same thing: Lose the attitude. Be a mindless drone that does what they’re told. Be glad you get what we give you. Pretend to maintain a sense of dignity while you whore yourself and everything you once loved for cash.
To all people who take their work seriously, remember: You’re going to die anyway. Do you want to die working hard at filing papers?
Even the best work only results in something future generations can mock.
Don’t forget, no matter what you do, it’s almost guaranteed that your work will be forgotten in one billion years.