Sometimes I'm serious.
WANNABEE COMICS
WANNABEE COMICS
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
SCENE 1: INT. APARTMENT - DAY 1
Three young men sit on a couch
ZACH
Comedy can be rough.
MARC
But it’ll be worth it when we get to the
top.
BRADY
One day, we’re going to have it all.
MARC
The fame.
ZACH
The influence.
BRADY
The women.
MARC
We’ve been trying to pitch an idea
for our sitcom, Ninja Shark Attack.
CUT TO: AN EXECUTIVE BEHIND A DESK
EXECUTIVE
Ninja shark attack? I don’t think so.
CUT TO: SECOND EXECUTIVE BEHIND ANOTHER DESK
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
EXECUTIVE 2
This might be the worst idea I’ve ever
heard.
CUT TO: EXECUTIVE 3
EXECUTIVE 3
Never heard of them.
EXECUTIVE 3 THROWS A PIECE OF PAPER IN THE TRASH
CUT TO: MARC, BRADY, AND ZACH AT THEIR APARTMENT
MARC
But so far no success.
BRADY
Oh, I’ve got a good one! Let’s go with
Taco Bell needs gourmet coffee.
ZACH
It’s a good joke, but not a great joke.
MARC
I like the joke with Vin Diesel playing
Gary Coleman better.
ZACH
You’re both crazy! We need the bit of
Pope proves infallibility on Jeopardy!
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 2: INT. ZACH’S BEDROOOM - EARLY NEXT MORNING
MARC
Get up man.
ZACH
Only if you’re funny today.
MARC
Try me. Any topic.
ZACH
90’s music.
MARC
Hmm. I dialed 1-900-Mix-A-Lot, but
couldn’t kick my nasty thoughts.
ZACH
Too smart for 5 A.M.
MARC
Okay, even if you work hard for life,
you’ll never have as much cash as the
guy who wrote “Gettin’ jiggy with it.”
ZACH
Ha. That’s funny. I think you just made
my world a little better.
MARC
Thanks. I’m going to make coffee.
That should make our world better.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ZACH SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA WHILE GETTING READY FOR WORK
ZACH
The three of us are comics. Our goal is
to have our own show called Ninja Shark
Attack. It sounds dumb, but I’m telling
you, it’s going to be huge. But for now,
we work for an awful morning radio show.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 3: INT. RADIO STATION, A FEW HOURS LATER
BRADY
Zach’s whining about work again.
MARC
Zach, don’t allow yourself to be defined
by your entry level job title.
ZACH
I’m not.
MARC
Smile buddy. Make up your own dignified
title, like Future CEO.
ZACH
Go to hell.
BRADY
Being here this early makes no sense.
ZACH
I can’t believe this is what we do to pay
bills we don’t like.
MARC
The Gnarly Bulldog has been good to us.
BRADY
Someday, we’ll laugh at all of this.
ZACH
God, I hope so.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Hey, as long as I get to do what I love…
ZACH
Getting paid at something you love only
happens if you love something that sucks.
MARC
Any intelligent species studying humans
would laugh at how much time most people spend for tiny green pieces of paper.
BRADY
Jobs are only for people who are too weak
to own a billion dollar corporation.
ZACH
The best way to make money is start your
own federal reserve.
MARC
If you can’t do that, the best way to get
a job is through your dictator father.
BRADY
In this life, you really should be an
emperor or a rock star.
MARC
True. If you lack rock star chops or
royal bloodlines, you’re screwed.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ZACH
The only choice most people have is to be
a bum or a corporate sell out.
Kathy enters
KATHY
Oh you guys, I hope the show goes well.
BRADY
Relax Kathy.
ZACH
I don’t think it’s possible to screw
this show up any more.
KATHY
Don’t say that! It’s bad luck!
Marc whispers to Brady
MARC
Imagine if she’s like this in real life.
BRADY
Yikes.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 4: INT. RADIO STATION, ON THE AIR WITH THE GNARLY BULLDOG
GNARLY
Hey kids out there in radio land; you’re
listening to 98.9 Rocking Lightning with
Your host, the bodacious, Gnarly Bulldog.
ZACH
Here we go.
GNARLY
RUFF, RUFF. Good morning form the Gnarly
Bulldog.
CUT TO: ZACH STANDING OUTSIDE OF A RADIO BOOTH
ZACH
Fifty years old and literally barking on
air for cash.
BRADY
He’s such a clown.
MARC
But he’s a rich clown.
ZACH
He’s not that rich.
MARC
Rich is a relative thing.
BRADY
He’s rich compared to us.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ZACH
There are guys on welfare who are rich
compared to us.
BRADY
He’s richer than my folks.
ZACH
Sure, but he’s not getting meetings
with Warren Buffet any time soon.
MARC
I’d love to see Warren Buffet work with
a grown man who calls himself the
Gnarly Bulldog.
CUT TO: THE GNARLY BULLDOG IN THE RADIO BOOTH
GNARLY
Gnarly Bulldog says to all you out there
in radio land, stay gnarly. In the next
hour, stay gnarly with Steely Dan.
Gnarly Bulldog, RUFF, barking out.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 5: INT. RADIO STATION, POST SHOW
GNARLY
Hey guys, great work. I was riding the
wave of awesomeness.
BRADY
Right.
MARC
Yep.
Zach looks away from the Gnarly Bulldog
GNARLY
Say, you boys should hang with me. I’m
jamming out to some Whitesnake with a
few of my female fan clubbers.
ZACH
Sorry Mr. Bulldog, we perform tonight.
GNARLY
Yall take life too seriously. Course,
I’m grateful for it when I get a white
hot show like today. Right on!
The Gnarly Bulldog sticks his hand out, hoping for a high five, but does not receive one
ZACH (sarcastic)
Yeah, this might be a day for the ages.
The Gnarly Bulldog winks and points at Zach
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
GNARLY
Alright, check you skaters laters!
The Gnarly Bulldog points at Brady, gives a double “peace sign” gesture with both hands, and exits
BRADY
Wow.
KATHY
Okay guys, we made it through this week,
but for tomorrow, I have 27 suggestions
for improvements.
BRADY
Kathy, the Gnarly Bulldog said we had a
groovy show or something like that.
ZACH
Honestly Kathy, we appreciate your work.
MARC
But save the suggestions for tomorrow.
KATHY
If we wait, our competition could be
getting the jump on us.
ZACH
You can’t be serious. Kathy, there are
no other morning radio programs hosted
by a wacky animal nicknamed man.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
MARC
The Gnarly Bulldog was happy.
BRADY
Let it go.
KATHY
Fine. But you guys have to promise to
get here early tomorrow.
MARC
We’re here early every day.
KATHY
I mean even earlier.
BRADY
You mean, like earlier than 6 A.M.?
KATHY
Um, yeah.
Zach, Marc, and Brady get into a huddle
ZACH
She thinks that we’re going to do that.
MARC
She’s intense.
BRADY
Let’s lie and get out of here.
MARC
It’s the only way.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ZACH
Agreed.
Zach, Brady, and Marc break out of their huddle
BRADY
Okay Kathy, we’ll all be here tomorrow at
5:30 A.M. sharp, to discuss your ideas.
KATHY
I think 5 A.M. would be even better.
Brady looks at Marc and Zach. They all nod in agreement.
BRADY
Sure.
KATHY
Not like last time I hope.
BRADY
No, we’ll all be here, no doubt.
KATHY
All right then. I’ll see you guys at
5 A.M.
Kathy exits
MARC
We have to come up with a crazier excuse
than last time.
ZACH
Traffic accident.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
MARC
Bear attack.
BRADY
Look it doesn’t matter. Tell her we
hung with Elvis on the moon.
ZACH
Fine. Let’s get the hell out of here!
` “EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 6: INT. OF COMEDY CLUB, “THE HAPPY HELLHOLE”, EVENING
Zach wears a wacky t-shirt and shorts, Marc wears a suit; Brady wears a “Miami Vice” style outfit
JILL
Hey guys, looking sharp tonight.
MARC
Just because I’m not getting paid yet
doesn’t mean I have a reason to look
like these two slackers.
ZACH
Easy suit and tie corporate preppy boy.
BRADY
Looking like this lets the ladies know I
got what they need.
ZACH
I perform best as myself, not some
slicked out Wall Street looking dude.
JILL
Aw, you guys are cute when you fight.
BRADY
You know it sweetie. You and I should
go out after the show.
JILL
Never.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
I hate it when you’re unclear.
JILL
Real funny. No.
BRADY
Whatever. All I know is, you miss 100%
of the sex you never offer.
ZACH
You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
MARC
Yeah, that’s what women want.
BRADY
Definitely the ladies I want.
JILL
Gross.
Armando enters
ARMANDO
Good to see you Marc.
MARC
I’m here almost every night, but I like
that you’re still happy to see me.
ARMANDO
Brady, nice threads.
Brady laughs
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
I hope the crowd’s in as good of a mood
as you.
ARMANDO
Me too. It’s hard not to be happy when
you make huge cash like me.
Armando gives Zach a look of scorn
ARMANDO
Like I said, good to see you Marc, Brady.
ZACH
Quite clever Armando.
ARMANDO
You’re just lucky your friends are
actually funny.
CUT TO: ARMANDO TALKING HEAD
ARMANDO
I don‘t like Zach. He’s too serious to
be a comedian. He’s not funny. People
don’t come to comedy to think. They
come here for a bit of fun. Even though
he’s all serious, he’s a fool.
CUT TO: SCENE
ZACH
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
JILL
Yeah, don’t be such a prick Armando.
Zach is as good as anyone here.
BRADY
Except for me.
MARC
And me.
ZACH
And maybe the drunk guys doing it for
the first time.
ARMANDO
Exactly. Well, I’ve got to get back to
business. These Zlatan Ibrohimavich
suits don’t pay for themselves.
Armando exits
ZACH
Armando always acts like he’s some
wealthy archduke.
JILL
Maybe in a past life.
ZACH
But I looked up Zlatan Ibrohimavich.
MARC
Nice.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Is it some rejected discount former Soviet
block kind of crap?
ZACH
No, he’s not even a clothing designer.
BRADY
Sounds shady.
ZACH
The guy is actually a famous Swedish
soccer player.
MARC
That’s great!
ZACH
Armando is completely full of it.
BRADY
Maybe this soccer guy personally designs
his one and only jacket.
ZACH
Yeah, just like I get the President to
hand knit my underwear.
Don enters
DON
Watch out, the champ is here.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
TALKING HEAD WITH BRADY
BRADY
Don is the most annoying comic I know.
He refers to himself in third person as
“The champ.” Seriously.
CUT TO: SCENE
DON
You boys can get a few lessons tonight
from the champ to see how it’s done.
ZACH
Champ, you’ve already given me so much.
MARC
Listen Don…
DON
I’d prefer it if you call me champ.
MARC
Right. So Don, I was thinking maybe you
should go on with Hank.
DON
That is just disrespectful to the Champ.
TALKING HEAD WITH MARC
MARC
Hank’s the worst performer I’ve seen.
His act is just weird.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
CUT TO: SCENE
DON
You don’t respect stars. Champ out.
Don exits
ZACH
Even if I’m more famous than Michael
Jackson, I’ll never match Don’s ego.
Hank enters and speaks in a proper English accent
HANK
A glorious evening it is gentlemen.
BRADY
Hey Hank.
HANK
The atmosphere this eve is enchanting.
MARC
I was thinking chill.
HANK
Undoubtedly. I bid thee ado.
ZACH
All right. Later Hank.
Hank exits
MARC
Why does he talk like that?
Brady and Zach shrug their shoulders
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
Zach
I never know what Hank is doing.
BRADY
I like having him around though. Even if
I just talk out of my ass, I’ll never
be worse than him.
ZACH
Watching him is the comedy equivalent of
slave labor camp.
MARC
It actually gives me physical pain in my
stomach to watch him.
CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE
BRADY
I bet you I get laid tonight.
ZACH
Why would I bet on that?
BRADY
To give me a little extra incentive.
MARC
I think you have more than enough pal.
BRADY
Never hurts to have financial rewards.
Kate and Pat enter
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
It’s on. Good evening ladies, I’m the
next Eddie Murphy and Larry the Cable
Guy rolled into one.
Kate and Pat laugh
MARC
He never stops.
ZACH
If he spent as much time on his act as he
does getting laid, he’d be the Oprah of
entertainment.
MARC
Probably. Since I never get laid, I’ve
got a bunch of new stuff tonight.
ZACH
Hey, at least you’re guaranteed no kids.
Maybe you’re smart for resisting chicks.
MARC
Not really. But once I’m a star, I’ll at
least have classy women rejecting me.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 7: ON STAGE AT THE HAPPY HELLHOLE
Brady speaks in a confident and easy going manner
BRADY
I ask myself a lot of weird questions.
Like:
What would a PETA member do if
their baby was being strangled to death
by a snake?
Who are hermaphrodites allowed to marry?
Only each other? Nobody? Anyone?
Would a book called Dummies for Dummies
be read by the readers it was made for?
If Jesus is the answer to all problems,
why’d I get a 0% on my math test?
And finally, Do elves call self-respect
elf-respect?
All right guys, that’s my time. Thanks,
have a good night.
Brady leaves the stage and sits at a table with Marc and Zach
ZACH
Not bad man.
BRADY
You bet your ass not bad!
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
MARC
You’d be good if you practiced.
BRADY
Oh come on. It’s a lock in my head.
You rehearse too much Marc.
MARC
How can you know your material too well?
BRADY
Sometimes comedy gets too rigid.
ZACH
Yeah, but there has to be control. There
has to be discipline.
BRADY
Thank you, master Bruce Lee.
ZACH
No problem.
MARC
But despite your laziness, fun set.
BRADY
Yeah, it was. No way you top that Zach!
ZACH
I’ll give it a shot.
Zach walks on stage
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Think he’ll rant against the man again?
MARC
Probably. He’s got some anger issues.
Zach speaks in an intense manner
ZACH
Voting is dumb, but so are a lot of
things people do to be good citizens.
Deciding who to vote for is like picking
who’s the lesser evil of two counter boys
at McDonald’s. They’re both controlled
by something far larger than themselves.
HECKLER
Boo!
ZACH
Someone wants to boo me! Sir, I have
some advice: Go back to the field with
the rest of the sheep and let some prick
tell you how to think!
HECKLER
Screw you!
ZACH
Another witty retort. Someone with your
extensive vocabulary has to be Republican.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
HECKLER
Kiss my ass, you prick!
Heckler exits
ZACH
When you’re ready to act like an adult,
come back and get a little education.
As I was saying, I don’t vote because I
don’t trust the guy who are elected guys
the guys who count the votes,
or the guys with guns who enforce votes.
Voting is as pointless as praying to
Winnie the Pooh. Determining who tells
the truth about politics is rather simple.
Observe who’s most popular among the
wealthy. They lie the most about helping
common people. And that would be funnier
if weren’t true.
Zach walks off the stage to no applause
BRADY
You need to chill out with all that
political stuff.
ZACH
You don’t get it. That’s the entire
point of why I do this.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
MARC
But people don’t want to be badgered.
ZACH
Only morons feel badgered by comics.
BRADY
But there are a lot of morons.
ZACH
No doubt.
BRADY
Why hold that against people?
ZACH
Because they ignore truth. And for what?
MARC
So they can have nicer stuff than us.
BRADY
Look, all we’re saying is tone it down.
ZACH
I don’t need to tone down anything. If
anything, I need to be more confronting.
BRADY
You must want to get an ass kicking.
ZACH
If I must.
Marc stands up and straightens his tie
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MARC
Well, you’re a tough act to follow. But
I’ll manage.
ZACH
Good luck Marc.
Marc takes the stage and speaks clearly
MARC
Before I start, I just want everyone to
know that I might be a little less
political than the last guy.
Audience laughs, Marc pauses and smiles
MARC
But I have been trying to write the
great American novel.
Audience laughs
MARC
The truth is, I’m not on the all-time
best seller list yet.
Audience laughs
MARC
Damn Da Vinci Code.
Audience laughs
MARC
But at least now I have some tips…
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Tell us man!
MARC
Just give me a few seconds, sir.
Audience laughs
MARC
Yes, there are my tips, for anyone
writing the great American novel.
It helps if you can write a sentence
without using the words sucks or blows.
Audience laughs
MARC
It’s bad if you can’t write without the
comfort of one billion dollar savings.
Audience laughs
MARC
You have to limit sleep to less than
23 hours a day.
Audience laughs
MARC
You can’t have 300 pages worth of
“Look at my butt” joke material.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
Audience laughs
MARC
And most importantly, you can’t drink a
shot of absinthe every time you finish a sentence.
Audience laughs and claps
MARC
So I hope these tips help out any of you
aspiring writers out there tonight. Thanks, let’s welcome the next comic.
The audience applauds. Marc gives a gesture of appreciation and leaves the stage.
MARC
I think it went all right.
ZACH
Yeah. The audience actually applauded.
BRADY
You are a man of mass appeal.
MARC
Not yet. But just wait.
BRADY
Well while you’re waiting, here’s someone
worse than a bad American novel.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
Don enters the stage and speaks in an arrogant manner
Don
My friends all call me the champ, because
I am. You can check me out at
thechampofcomedy.com. I hate to be a hater,
but there’s so much in the world worth
hating. Finding the right words to end a
relationship is tough. Especially with
deaf, blind mutes. Never accept that
you’ve lost. Fight for what you want,
wife beater. The only guaranteed way to
keep your kids away from danger is to
keep them away from oxygen. Rent a boat
if you want to escape your problems for a
while. Rent a spaceship if you want to
escape your problems for a long time.
Rent a shotgun if you want to escape your
problems forever. Be better than idiots
and you’ve got most of the world beat.
Take it. Use it.
Don leaves the stage to no applause
BRADY
I think that dude needs a psychiatrist.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
ZACH
He might be more offensive than me.
MARC
He’s rough, but I actually think this
guy is even worse.
Hank enters the stage and appears nervous
HANK
Hey, how’s everybody doing tonight? I’m
like, feeling really nervous right now.
Hank stops to look at a notebook
HANK
So I’ve got this girl who I’m having sex
with. She’s not my dream girl though.
She doesn’t even look like J. Lo.
Hank starts reading from his notebook
HANK
These two guys walk into a bar. They
want to drink but they don’t have much
money. So they start talking about ways
they could save money. They decide not
to get the drinks, but invest the money
in a 401 K savings plan instead.
Because the economy is rough right now.
You know what I mean.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
Hank looks up and quickly starts reading again
HANK (CONT’D)
I had to go to the airport. What’s
with all the security? I’m not a
terrorist. I don’t think most other
people who fly are either. Just get
the terrorists not the rest of us.
Hank pauses nervously
HANK
Uh yeah, so I think I’m done now.
Hank leaves the stage to no applause
ZACH
The audience might boo me. But they
don’t hate me as much as Hank.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 8: INT. POST SHOW BACKSTAGE AT THE HAPPY HELLHOLE
DON
Yeah, The Champ killed tonight. Only a
matter of time before someone starts
paying me to do this.
MARC
We can’t wait.
BRADY
I had fun. Now it’s time to party!
TALKING HEAD ZACH
ZACH
I probably got some laughs, but not as
many as I hoped for. What’s great about
comedy is that even when it’s not great,
nobody dies. It’s just jokes.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 9: INT. POST SHOW AT BAR AT THE HAPPY HELLHOLE
JILL
Nice job guys. Here’s a token for one
free drink apiece.
BRADY
Sweet. Get me about 20 more of these and
I’m good to go!
ZACH
Thanks, but I’m giving mine to Brady.
JILL
Oh come on. Stick around for once.
ZACH
I can’t. I’ve got to go home and write
more jokes before I crash.
JILL
That’s too bad. We should…
ZACH
Sorry, I have to go. Later guys.
MARC
Later.
TALKING HEAD WITH MARC
MARC
It’s amazing how oblivious Zach is to
the fact that hot Jill likes him.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
MARC (CONT’D)
Makes me wonder if I’m not picking up on
any women who want me.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
SCENE 10: INT. APARTMENT, ZACH’S ROOM
BRADY
Hey man, wake up!
ZACH
Dude, it’s like 2:30 in the morning.
I’m actually trying to get some sleep.
BRADY
Yeah, I know, I’m sorry about this, but,
ZACH
Yeah I know, you’ve got this chick and
you want this to be your boudoirs.
BRADY
For some reason, chicks don’t dig the
bunk beds me and Marc share.
ZACH
If you’d save a bit of money,
BRADY
I hear you, but for tonight…
ZACH
All right, all right.
BRADY
Thanks bro.
ZACH
You owe me.
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Hold on sugar, I’ll get the Natty Light
and we’ll have us a camp out.
TALKING HEAD ZACH
ZACH
I don’t understand how he gets the women.
I don’t get how he can do it borrowing a
friend’s bed with Natural Light. Some
guys just have the touch.
MARC
Hey man, couch duty again?
ZACH
Yep.
MARC
I’m just having a microwave burrito, then
hitting the hay.
Moaning noises come from the bedroom
ZACH
Man, I don’t want to live like this
forever.
MARC
Oh come on. It’s not that bad. At least
you’ve got some hilarious roommates.
Brady comes into the living room in a toga
“EVERYONE STARTS SMALL” 2/6/10
BRADY
Time for romance!
Brady runs across the room into Zach’s bedroom
BRADY
Geronimo!
ZACH STARES AT THE CAMERA IN DISBELIEF
MARC
Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.
ZACH
Me either man, me either.
MARC
But it gives me an idea for a new bit.
ZACH
All right then. Let’s hear it.
END SHOW
