Sometimes I'm serious.

Religious jokes

Imagine how different the world would be if Judas had said “Screw you pal!  I want Jesus to live.”

 

The cornier the hymns, the more evil the church group.

Anyone who gives up this life in hopes of rewards in the afterlife should still remember to take a bath.

 

Guilt is a part of religion like pig is a part of bacon.

 

Creationism as science is as useful as using Bazooka Joe Comics to piece together all of human history.

 

If hell is eternal torment, do you ever get used to it even a little bit?  You know how running sucks?  But if you run everyday for a month straight it still sucks, but not as much as it did before.  Same thing with the devils torment maybe?

I wonder if work in hell could be dodged temporarily like people dodge work in this realm.  A person trying to knock off early from the fire pits or from having their nuts crushed repeatedly is a funny thought to me.

 

Imagine taking over hell.  How could you run the place worse than the previous rulers?  Wouldn’t you be considered kind no matter what you did?  Even if you tried to imitate the devil, could you?

Purgatory is like being stuck at your weird Uncle’s house.  What type of God would postpone judgment while making souls wait around like some incompetent doctor?

 

Jesus could raise the dead but he couldn’t take some nails out?

 

What’s more likely?  Did Jesus perform miracles that can’t be done by anyone now with the benefit of 2000 additional years of scientific improvements?  Or did some Jewish guys lie?

 

What would Jesus do?  Demand people obey him or go to hell.  I guess many Christians are Christ-like.

 

Having faith with no evidence is the only miracle most Christians perform.

 

If they believed what they claim to Christians would all be extreme daredevils. 

 

If Jesus was a perfect example, Christians should do nothing until they’re thirty, hang out with friends who worship them, piss off Jews, and get killed by Italian morons.

 

Many of the most popular teachings of Jesus are beyond ridiculous.

 

The meek inherit the earth?  The meek barely inherit the trailer park.

 

I don’t think the churchgoers of today have any special powers.  Many of them have eyeglasses and are defeated by common colds. 

Do you think Republicans would let a Mormon be president?  No.  Ideas created in the 19th century are too progressive for them.

 

Only Christians find it a good idea to show respect to the all-powerful ruler of the universe by singing terrible songs for an hour.

 

I think a good tagline for a Christian Diet Business would be “Blessed are the sleek, for they shall not inherit the girth.”

   

My favorite Japanese Bible translation is John 3:16- “A mythical invisible man loved Earth so much he sent his wizard son there, and whoever believes this can’t be killed.”

 

Quick sermon: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. In the end, Jesus comes back.

 

I wonder if they’ll ever market an antacid tablet for those suffering from symptoms of transubstantiation.  

 

It’d be awesome if Jesus came back and admitted that he was gay, but it was no big deal.

Thanks for the “gift” of salvation.  Way to weasel out of a real present again this year Jesus.

If I’d been in charge during the Crusades I would’ve said “Let’s forget about attacking pagan heathens for a while. I don’t know about you but I don’t like the thought of being killed by an infidel.  I think we should go after the original problem of original sin.  Let’s get those fucking snakes.” 

                                                                                                                                                       

Jesus refused to let his disciples fight even when Romans had him killed!  This is a lot different than bombing supposed terrorists with preemptive strikes because they MIGHT have dangerous weapons.