Sometimes I'm serious.
I screwed up a lot in my life, but it wasn’t my fault. When I was born, I hardly knew anything.
I screwed up a lot when I was a teenager. I spent most of my time in school, church, and study instead of having hot sex.
I screwed up a lot when I got to college. I made friends, joined a lot of student organizations, and went to classes instead of doing something that mattered.
I screwed up a lot after college. I tried to find God, the meaning of life, and my purpose instead of getting a good job.
Long ago, I was a good person. I had to quit because I never profited from it. Then I was a decent person. I realized how boring and pointless that was. Now my kindest act is leaving people alone.
I had big dreams. I could’ve been the greatest of all-time. But I got lost in the complicated details of life, like what I was trying to be great at.
All of the people who said I’d never amount to anything are wrong. I’ve amounted to over 200 pounds.
How old am I? I’m young enough to be a fool and old enough to know it.
I love the thought of being young and healthy forever, but I’d be confused about my opinions on pop music.
There’s nothing that I need to do, so I better get to doing it soon.
I have the acting ability of a stand-up comic and the comedic sensibility of a soap opera actor.
To people who die for my freedom: I’ll settle for you just getting wounded enough to support my health care costs.
I’m in between being a nobody and a never was.
I offer hope to the world, but it’s extremely short-term, unprofitable, non-transferable hope.
I used to care about my image. Now that I've matured I care more about my smell.
I range from being funny about misery to being angry about misery.
I look like a fashion model for a going out of business thrift store.
I was offered a chance to participate in an authentic historical recreation experience. I made sure they picked a period in history before I was alive so it would be impossible for me to participate.