Sometimes I'm serious.

MOCK NEWS HEADLINES

I believe most people are too busy, lazy, or stupid to read full articles in newspapers. No chance anyone reads entire comedy articles! Why do work no one cares about? Give the 2% of the general population who bother to read mock news headlines what they kind of want. Just headlines and a few tiny bits instead of these complicated “articles.”

HEADLINES I’D LOVE TO SEE

Democracy spread by force, maintained by force, leads to freedom

Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’ Reilly, Sean Hannity finally join the army

“Never too late to put the money where the mouth is!”

Homeless seek cost of barely living increase

Isolated Christian group worried America may invoke God’s wrath by breaking one of the Ten Commandments

Hung-over Catholic unwillingly rejects the gift of transubstantiation

Mormonism gets mandate from God to re-ban black priests

God answers prayers to remain uninvolved in human affairs

Former N.W.A. members now working with pasty white rappers, acting in Disney films, playing a cop on TV, or dead

SUICIDES AT ALL-TIME HIGH FOR LANDLINE PHONE COMPANY WORKERS

DREAM VACATION AGAIN RUINED BY ECONOMIC REALITIES

China continues communist revolution with $800 million dollar corporation

France only nation expected to threaten U.S domination in World Arrogance Cup

Terrorists lay down arms: Plan to let sinking economy, poverty, famine, and natural causes to do their work

George Bush sad that he can only destroy thousands of lives at a time in private life

Obama amends “Yes, we can” to “Yes, some of us can”

Amid alleged sex scandals, Republicans pledge a vow of celibacy

Republican Party declares deadbeats should no longer receive free oxygen

Pastor struggling to come up with believable reasons to tell funeral attendees their atheist prick relative made it to heaven

Mormonism gets divine mandate from God to reverse polygamy policy

God with low self-esteem becomes an atheist

“I have no good reason to believe in myself anymore.”

Satan refusing to take much needed day off

God pens first self-help book

Theologians stunned to learn universe created and run by Satan

God extends “day” of rest another 2000 years

Satan creates even more irresistible salted snack

“They’re so good you won’t care if they kill you and send you to hell.”

Mohammed role in upcoming film goes to Carrot Top

“If we’re going to be blasphemous, let’s go all out!”

Drug addict pushed to be religion addict

Lazy Catholic school student does class report on openly gay clergy

Christian sect claims Jesus only loves 1.5% of little children

If he had applied himself, Jesus could’ve revolutionized carpentry

Jesus angers fundamentalists by giving everyone a get of hell free card

Christian cult allows much better savings plan than Scientology cult

“Jesus only requires an automatic ten percent cut. Those greedy idolaters in Scientology take EVERYTHING.”

Christianity reports third quarter losses of 1.2 billion souls

Study shows 99.9% of Christians who claim The Bible is literally true have never read all of it

Beyoncé dumps Jay-Z for Pope

“I want more power!”

Vin Diesel takes on challenge of playing Gary Coleman

Rapper unable to speak or sing proper English supposedly writes best-selling book

James Cameron struggles to find sensible script for Titanic 2

Aspiring stand-up comedian unsure whether to suck in LA or New York

Bill O’ Reilly, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity begin White Collar comedy tour

Smooth Jazz world shaken up by guy who isn’t totally boring

Award for worst continent for adult entertainment goes to Antarctica

Lead guitarist for local band has realistic aspirations to play Des Moines

Daniel Day Lewis cast as lead in new Three Amigos re-make

Requests Tyler Perry and Pauly Shore as fellow amigos

Dr. Dre achieves lifelong goal, attains Astrophysics PHD

Simon and Garfunkel shock fans by going techno

Angelina Jolie paid $20 million for movie 99% of world wouldn’t watch for free

Publisher rejects children’s book proposal from R. Kelly

New Odd Couple to star Noam Chomsky and Larry the Cable Guy

Jeff Foxworthy records new album in French

World’s greatest triangle player sick of “lack of respect”

Halliburton CEO hoping to improve image agrees to interview with Michael Moore

“An interview with an impartial journalist who reaches a mass audience is just what I need to clear up any misunderstandings about me or our company.”

Musical genius reduced to creating jingle to sell greasy meat sandwich

James Lipton dies instantly upon learning Dennis Rodman opened an acting school

Lunch packed by bulimic mom vastly superior to one from anorexic mom

Respected vegan chef regrets moving to Texas

Local man who never left Olgaburg thinks Olgaburg McDonald’s is best restaurant

A-LIST RESTAURANT SLIPS TO F-LIST WITH JUST ONE BLOODY HOMICIDE

PETA members sleigh 10 billionth vegetable

Third base coach contemplates lateral career moves

Communist golf caddies seize country club

Zydrunus Ilgauskus worried his media exposure is less than Lebron’s

Phil Jackson creates Zen method to keep worst players benched

Dwight Howard angry no one cares about his revenge dunk over Nate Robinson

Scout for Philadelphia 76er’s somehow still has job

Cleveland Browns use draft pick on Ben Bernake

“We’ve tried drafting athletic talent. That has failed miserably for decades. We figure, let’s try something bold. Let’s draft an economic powerhouse.”

Philosopher football coach asks: “What is the real point of reaching the end zone?”

Michael Vick considers lucrative offers from slaughter houses

Retiring horseshoes champ ponders next move

“We don’t have coaches, color men, or refs. I guess I’ll get an insurance job or something.”

KFC supporting local soccer team, Kentucky FC

Clearly confused elderly man tells grandchildren he remembers when baseball was “exciting”

Knicks plan to spend whatever it takes to disappoint loyal fans

Football coach forgets why he resorted to yelling in the first place

Unscheduled Gun Show replaces Pacifist Parade

High school student instructed to write what he knows complies, writes nothing

Top psychic world’s richest man

“It’s not fair, but I figure why use this gift interpreting dreams or talking to the dead when I can be rich?”

MIDDLE AGED MATHEMATICIAN REALIZES HIS ODDS OF LIVING WELL ARE PATHETICALLY LOW

RISING COST OF EVERYTHING MAY NEGATIVELY IMPACT THE UNEMPLOYED, EMPLOYED, AND EMPLOYERS

Funeral home staff reprimanded for playing “casketball”

Very unprofessional, despite being a great game

Ethics teacher places students in intense real life dilemmas

Youths forced to make decision to save a starving African child or sacrifice their family car. Next week’s field assignments involve abortion and the death penalty.

Social worker fails to make a difference for 3472nd day in a row

Arab pilot changes career

Studies prove everything may increase the chance of death

Primary school starving artist suggests eating crayons

FRED DRACULA REFUSES HONORARY TITLE OF COUNT

“Just call me Mr. Dracula. I don’t need more bad jokes.”

Bernie Madoff acquires 10 billion cigarettes through Ponzi scheme

Out of touch book writer fails to realize 99% of the world too lazy to read free articles on-line

Insurance underwriter believes he’s the Hunter S. Thompson of his profession

“Even if that were possible, which it’s not, he’s not even close.”

Bill Gates takes night job at Waffle House

“Hey, everyone is worried about the economy”