Sometimes I'm serious.

WE BARE BEARS SPEC SCRIPT

“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”

SCENE 1: OPEN ON: GRIZZ WATCHING A BEAR TUBE VIDEO ON HIS COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM IN HIS CAVE.  THE BEAR TUBE VIDEO APPEARS ON SCREEN AFTER AN ESTABLISHING SHOT.

COMEDIAN BEAR

And what’s the deal with no bears in politics?

GRIZZ LAUGHS.

GRIZZ

I know right.

COMEDIAN BEAR

And why aren’t there any bear Popes?

GRIZZ LAUGHS LOUDLY.

GRIZZ

That bear is so right.  And so funny.

GRIZZ PAUSES THE VIDEO.   COMEDIAN BEAR IS MAKING A FUNNY FACE.

GRIZZ

Hmm.  Panda is usually right.  Ice Bear is hilarious.  I’m always right and always funny. 

GRIZZ STANDS OUT OF HIS CHAIR.  A BRIGHT LIGHT BULB APPEARS ABOVE HIS HEAD.

GRIZZ

We should be rich and famous comedy bears!  Guys!

GRIZZ ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AREA.  PANDA IS FAILING TO SOLVE A RUBIX CUBE.  ICE BEAR IS DESIGNING AN INTRICATE BIRDHOUSE.

GRIZZ

Guys I just had a great idea.  We’re going to be rich and famous comedians.

PANDA

We are?

GRIZZ

Yep.

PANDA

How?

GRIZZ

I don’t know.  Maybe we could find a place where people or bears do comedy and stuff?

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear likes comedy.   Ice Bear likes some stuff.

GRIZZ

That’s why we should be stars.

PANDA

I don’t know if I could do that.

GRIZZ

Sure you can.  You’ll be with me and Ice Bear.  What could go wrong?

ICE BEAR

Lots could go wrong.

GRIZZ

Name one thing.

PANDA

Ice Bear has never done comedy.

GRIZZ

So?

PANDA

I have never done comedy.

GRIZZ

No problem.

PANDA POINTS AT GRIZZ

PANDA

You have never done comedy.

GRIZZ

You’re focusing on the wrong thing,

PANDA

I’m nervous just thinking about it.  You sure you want to do this Grizz?

GRIZZ

I’ve never been as sure about anything.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear is sure about birdhouses.

ICE BEAR NODS AT HIS INTRICATE BIRD HOUSE.

GRIZZ

Sure, it’s a great bird house.  Now how about we build a bird house out of jokes?

PANDA

I’ll do it if Ice Bear does.

GRIZZ DROP TO HIS KNEES AND BEGS.

GRIZZ

Please Ice Bear?   Please? 

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear admires your passion. 

GRIZZ

Yes!   We’re in.

CUT TO: ONE HOUR LATER

GRIZZ

Okay, I found 3 places within walking distance that offer bear themed comedy tonight.

PANDA (nervous)

Tonight?

GRIZZ

The sooner the better.  There’s Bear night at Ha Ha Ha.

PANDA

I heard that place is for amateurs.

GRIZZ

Wow.  Their website claims it is the best bear themed comedy night in town.  Who lies about that?

ICE BEAR

They do.

PANDA

Oh well.  Maybe we should call the whole thing off?

GRIZZ

No way.  There’s the animal hospital comedy fundraiser.

PANDA

I couldn’t take that kind of pressure.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear thinks we can do better.

GRIZZ

Fine.  This is my top best pick anyway.  Barely legal!

PANDA

I never heard of it.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear lacks knowledge of it.

GRIZZ

I read it’s a great time.  People who work there get paid TONS.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear likes money.

PANDA

I’m still scared Grizz.

GRIZZ

That’s okay.  That’s why we’re going to practice now.   Then we’ll be like pros before tonight.

PANDA

That might not be enough time.

GRIZZ

Now or never.  Since there’s 3 of us, maybe we should be like famous comedy trios?

PANDA

We should be original.

GRIZZ

Come on.  Just give my idea a try.

PANDA

I’m willing to compromise.

GRIZZ

Great.

CUT TO GRIZZ, PANDA, AND ICE BEAR DRESSED LIKE THE 3 STOOGES.

PANDA (as Moe)

Why I ought to…

ICE BEAR (as Larry)

Ice Bear has no desire to assault you.

GRIZZ (as Curly)

Come on.  We can’t be like The 3 Stooges without hitting each other.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear is better than that.

GRIZZ

Fine.

CUT TO GRIZZ, ICE BEAR, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE THE MARX BROTHERS 

PANDA (as Chico) 

That rich lady needs help. 

GRIZZ (as Groucho)

I’ll say.  Help that should cost her plenty.

ICE BEAR (as Harpo)

Ice Bear lacks comic expressiveness.

GRIZZ 

Oh man.   Let’s try something else. 

CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE THE 3 AMIGOS 

GRIZZ (yelling) 

Ay yi yi! 

PANDA (quieter) 

Oh, ya, ya. 

ICE BEAR

Loud expression. 

GRIZZ

Cut.  Ice Bear, you seem to have trouble with characters.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear likes Ice Bear.

GRIZZ

Right.  But acting requires strong choices.

PANDA

Ice Bear doesn’t take notes. 

GRIZZ

Really?  It’s like that.

PANDA

Ice Bear has integrity. 

GRIZZ

Okay.  I’ll try to work with that.  Let’s try the next thing. 

CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE JERRY, GEORGE, AND KRAMER FROM SEINFELD

ICE BEAR (as Jerry)

And what’s the deal with the global economic crisis? 

PANDA (as George)

I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

GRIZZ (as Kramer)

No soup or sandwich for you!

CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE ED HELMS, ZACH GALIFIANAKIS AND BRADLEY COOPER FROM THE HANGOVER.

PANDA (as Ed)

Oh man, I wish I had my missing tooth back.

GRIZZ (as Zach)

I’ll give you one of mine if you want.

ICE BEAR (as Bradley)

Crude insult.

GRIZZ

Crude insult?  What is that?

PANDA

Ice Bear said this movie is one non-stop crude insult.

GRIZZ

But you don’t just say crude insult.  You say something like your lack of effort in acting is ruining this entire experience for everyone.

PANDA

Hey.  Don’t be mean.   We’re trying Grizz.  We’re just not as into this as you.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear will try harder.

CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA DRESSED LIKE HARRY, LLOYD, AND MARY FROM DUMB AND DUMBER.

GRIZZ (as Lloyd)

Watch me light my gas on fire!

PANDA (as Harry) 

That seems dangerous in real life.

ICE BEAR (as Mary)

Ice Bear finds playing a woman liberating.

CUT TO: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA LOOKING TIRED ON THE GROUND.

PANDA

Who knew being funny could be hard?

GRIZZ

It’s tough, but we had some good stuff in there.

PANDA

I’m not ready to perform in front of others Grizz.

GRIZZ

What?   I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

ICE BEAR AND PANDA STARE BLANKLEY AT GRIZZ.

GRIZZ

Well, I am ready.  You two will be good when you see how good I am.  Now who’s with me?

PANDA

Me, I guess.

ICE BEAR NODS.

GRIZZ

Awesome!   Let’s go!

END SCENE.

“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”

SCENE2: ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA WALK TO BARLEY LEGAL.  THEY PASS NOTE CARDS TO EACH OTHER ON THE WALK.  PANDA NOTICES THAT THE NEIGHBORHOOD THEY’RE WALKING IN HAS A LOT OF BOARDED UP WINDOWS AND TRASH ON THE GROUND. 

PANDA

Hey guys, are you sure we should do this?   This part of town looks, uh, bad. 

ICE BEAR HOLDS A CAN OF “ATTACK REPELLENT.”

GRIZZ

You guys worry too much.   We’re going to be great.

PANDA

Sometimes you don’t worry enough Grizz.

GRIZZ

Like it’s possible to worry too little.

PANDA

Okay…

END SCENE.

“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”

SCENE 3: CUT TO EXT. BARELY LEGAL.  IT IS A STRIP CLUB.

PANDA

I don’t know Grizz.  This doesn’t look like a comedy club to me.

GRIZZ 

Don’t sweat it.  I’m sure they’ll love us.  Just play it cool. 

ICE BEAR, PANDA, AND GRIZZ ENTER BARELY LEGAL.

GUY

All right fellas, that’s going to be 10 bucks for admission, and hopefully you have plenty more for the ladies.

GRIZZ

Oh no.  We’re here to do comedy tonight.

GUY

Comedy?  Huh.  I bet crazy Frank made a bet with you?

GRIZZ

Yeah.  That’s it.  Crazy Frank wants us to do comedy tonight.

GUY

Well, there’s a first time for everything.

GUY OPENS A CURTAIN.   THERE IS A SMALL STAGE.  SEATED MAN SITS AT A TABLE BY THE STAGE.

PANDA

I don’t think I can do this Grizz.

GRIZZ

But this is perfect.  We’re here.  Just follow my lead.

GUY

All right.  Ginger is the only girl here right now.  She can go on with whoever’s on first.

GRIZZ

We’re a group.  We all go on together. 

GUY

No, that won’t work.  I want to spread you out.

GUY POINTS AT PANDA.       

GUY

Why don’t you go first?

PANDA

Uh….

GRIZZ

He’s ready.  Tell Ginger.  Crowd’s light anyway.  All right hero, you’re on. 

GUY SHOVES PANDA ON THE STAGE.  PANDA LOOKS WIDE EYED AND FRIGHTENED.

PANDA

Hey.   Uh. I’m uh….

SEATED MAN TURNS AROUND FROM HIS SEAT AND LOOK AT PANDA.

PANDA

Oh no!   I can’t stand this.  Sorry Grizz! 

PANDA RUNS OFF THE STAGE AND BEHIND A CURTAIN.   SEATED MAN LOOKS CONFUSED.  GRIZZ SPRINTS ON TO THE STAGE. 

GRIZZ

Ha.  That Panda is quite a guy.  All part of the act.  I’m Grizz.  I am going to make you laugh so hard you’ll think you died and went to heaven.

SEATED MAN COUGHS.

GRIZZ

Hey, we’re live.   Sir, where are you from?

SEATED MAN

I’m from here.

GRIZZ

Oh.  That makes sense.   Sir, do you like impressions?

SEATED MAN

No. 

GRIZZ

Okay.  Sir do you like imitations?

SEATED MAN

What’s the difference?

GRIZZ

I’m not sure.  Perhaps you read the news today?

SEATED MAN

No.

GRIZZ

Well, maybe if I come down there and tickle you I’ll get you to laugh. 

SEATED MAN

You better not.

GRIZZ

Oh man, tough crowd.   Maybe Ice Bear will be more your style?   And now, Ice Bear.

ICE BEAR WALKS ON TO THE STAGE.

ICE BEAR

Wow.  One guy.  Ice Bear picked the wrong night to change comedy forever.

SEATED MAN LAUGHS.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear is just hoping to make it out of this place alive.

SEATED MAN LAUGHS HARDER.

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear is leaving.   Good night.

ICE BEAR EXITS THE STAGE.   SEATED MAN STANDS UP AND APPLAUDS.

GRIZZ

Hey, not bad for a first time Ice Bear.

ICE BEAR

Let’s go.

PANDA

Thank heavens.

GRIZZ 

Okay.  We’ll worry about the money later.

ICE BEAR, GRIZZ, AND PANDA EXIT BARELY LEGAL.  GUY WALKS UP TO SEATED MAN.

GUY

Hey, where did those bears go?

SEATED GUY

I don’t know.  But one of those bears was the goods!

GUY

Huh.  Shame I missed it.   Oh well.

END SCENE.

“BEAR-LY LEGAL COMEDY”       

SCECNE 4: INT. BEAR CAVE LIVING ROOM

PANDA

It was a strip club?

ICE BEAR

Yes.

PANDA

Should we tell Grizz?

ICE BEAR

No.

PANDA

Okay.  

ICE BEAR

Ice Bear is ashamed.

PANDA

Yeah, but at least it was only 3 PM at the strip club.

GRIZZ ENTERS.

GRIZZ

Guys!  I just saw this amazing video.  We need to start a band!

PANDA

Here we go again.

END OF SHOW.