Sometimes I'm serious.

SKETCHES FROM THE NICE PART OF HELL

SCENE 1

Bob, Ted, Mary

OPEN ON: A SPACESHIP

Bob

I’m proud to be an American in the first manned spaceship.

Ted

It’s really odd that they’d send us up in a Russian ship.

Mary

I think this retro trend has gone too far.

Bob

I know, I mean, we’re risking our very lives!

Ted

Life is a risk.  You might as well die doing what you love.

Mary

But it’s so unnecessary.

Bob

I like knowing that I’ve done it just like the pioneers.

Mary

Vast improvements in technology make new ships much safer.

Ted

Well yeah, but then science wouldn’t know if we can improve on the original improvements.

Mary

That’s ridiculous!  We don’t call NASA on a rotary phone.

EDIT

SCENE 2

Mike, George

OPEN ON: A MEETING WITH GEORGE LUCAS

Mike

I’m disappointed with your silly space movies George.

George

But Dad, I’m George Lucas!  I’ve made billions of dollars with some of the most successful films of all-time!

Mike

Yeah, that’s fine for young boys to dabble in little artsy fartsy projects.   But you’re a man now Georgie Porgie!

George

Dad, I’ve had success and I still can’t make you happy?

Mike

You always could’ve been a dentist.  That would’ve been decent.

George

Dad, billions of people have seen Star Wars!  Billions!

Mike

The one with the little green guy and people who do mind tricks?

George

Yes!

Mike

How’s that helping people?  You should’ve been fighting plaque.

George

Look Dad.  Maybe you should have been a dentist.

Mike

Me?  Please.  I was born an advertising copywriter and I’ll die an advertising copywriter.

George

How were you born to be an advertising copywriter?

Mike

My earliest thoughts weren’t about cartoons or candy.  I was thinking about how I could convince people to buy products in print, radio, and television as far back as I can remember.

George

Well Dad, if you want, I’ll pay for you to go to dental school.

Mike

It’s not my calling Georgie boy!  It’s yours!

George

Dad, I could buy and sell ten thousand dentists.

Mike

Dentists don’t take pretend light up swords for payment son.

EDIT

SCENE 3

Don, Ed, Zack, Brad

OPEN ON: A MOVIE PREVIEW

ALL SPEAK WITH PRETENTIOUS “PROPER” ACCENTS

Don

Coming this summer, it’s The Hangover Part IV.  With new directors, Merchant and Ivory back in action.

Ed

Alas, I grow weary of the burdens of the dentistry profession.

Zack

My word, I am struck with grief from cursed marital strife!

Brad

I find your pain rather amusing, and believe you shall benefit from a respite from this vile temptress by departing with Sir Edward and I to the hallowed land of Las Vegas.

Zack

Your offer is repulsive, in consideration of my present psychological state.

Ed

You must desist from succumbing to curmudgeonly episodes and engage in revelry with buxom lasses!

Zack

These are perilous times.  As long as it is not detrimental to my financial status, I shall accompany you with the affidavit of remaining chaste.

Ed

Surely, merriments of fair Vegas will enchant you!

Zack

Alas, I remain skeptical.

CUT TO: A LAS VEGAS GAME TABLE

Zack

I am heartily enjoying the rewards that come from this accelerating game of chance.

Ed

I pray your returns are as a vessel on the river Thyme.

Zack

Well put dear chap!

Brad

Collect your earnings and depart.  Fair maidens await for us to pitch woo.

Zack

Jolly Good sir!

Don

Hangover IV directed by Merchant and Ivory.  Don’t miss it!

EDIT

SCENE 4

Lou, Lola

OPEN ON: AN INFOMERCIAL

Lou

Don’t miss this infomercial!

Lola

It is guaranteed to change your life.

Lou

For most Americans, it’s impossible to eat all the food you buy.

Lola

And you keep gaining unattractive and unhealthy weight.

Lou

That’s right Lola.   But how can Americans avoid this terrible affliction of having too much food?

Lola

Well Lou, listen up and I’ll tell you.  You can purchase the new T1000 food incinerator!

Lou

Radical!  How does this new visionary product work?

Lola

It’s simple Lou.  If there’s too much food, you simply turn the T1000 food incinerator on, and make that food disappear without gaining those nasty extra calories!

Lou

Wow, I’m blown away.  But what do you say to all those critics that say food shouldn’t be wasted?

Lola

I say: Bullshit!  Americans don’t have the discipline to keep a healthy diet.  We’ve proven that over and over again.  But we love destroying shit, hence the need for a T1000 food incinerator.

Lou

But what do you say to critics who claim you could merely donate food to people in need?

Lola

I say, yeah right.  Nobody really helps poor people in real life.  Why should they?  Those bums should get out of the dumpster and into full-time employment, ideally helping the world build more T1000’s.

Lou

I see.  Is this technology safe?

Lola

Not at all Lou.  In fact, if you’re not careful, you could use the T1000 food incinerator to kill virtually anything on this planet.

EDIT

SCENE 5

Djibouti, Tim

OPEN ON: SOMALIA

Djibouti

We live in such a violent culture Tim.

Tim

It’s your fault for being born in Somalia.

Djibouti

That’s harsh Tim.

Tim

Hey, Djibouti, I don’t want to coat things for you.  I hate all that cultural sensitivity crap going around.

Djibouti

But that’s offensive to people in my land who aren’t violent.

Tim

Oh, you mean the babies and THE DEAD PEOPLE.

Djibouti

Very funny.  Look, I didn’t ask to be born in Mogadishu.

Tim

You’re 16 now tough guy.  You don’t like it, move to New York.

Djibouti

I can’t afford to move to New York.

Tim

That’s bullshit.  You’ve never even had a job.

Djibouti

Men aren’t able to get jobs.  There are no jobs.

Tim

You just need to pick up the want ads and start at the bottom.

Djibouti

There are no want ads.  There are no newspapers.

Tim

Boy, your country really sucks.

Djibouti

Why are you here anyway Tim?

Tim

Missionary work.

EDIT

SCENE 6

Tim, Bob

OPEN ON: A BUS

Tim

Wow, it’s true what they say about your work Bob.

Bob

I got you.  The wheels on the bus really do go round and round.

Tim

Well yes.  That’s true.

Bob

I know lots of true things about buses Tim.

Tim

I hope so Bob.  You’re 35 years old and you drive a CTA bus.

Bob

I bet you didn’t know that buses are built in factories.

Tim

Technically I didn’t, but I probably would’ve guessed that.

Bob

Buses are often used by people who don’t have cars or bikes.

Tim

Sure, that makes tons of sense.

Bob

Buses are the best way to travel across the country.

Tim

Well, I think that’s subjective Bob.

Bob

I don’t know what you mean.  I think you mean buses are awesome.

Tim

Look Bob, I know you know a lot about buses.

Bob

I love what I do.

Tim

But there are good things that have nothing to do with buses.

Bob

I don’t want to hear about it.

Tim

Bob, you’re missing out on a lot of non-bus related life.

Bob

I can’t take any time away from my dedication to bus knowledge.

Tim

Take music Bob.

Bob

Like The wheels on the bus go round and round, Double Dutch Bus, Bussing from Memphis…

Tim

I thought that song was Walking In Memphis.

Bob

Trust me.  It works a lot better as Bussing In Memphis.

EDIT

SCENE 7

Cindy, Rob

OPEN ON: AN OFFICE

Cindy

Hey Rob, that new shirt works even better.

Rob

Thanks Cindy.  Office Casual Fridays call for a Hawaiian shirt.

Cindy

You are like, so cool!

Rob

Yeah, I started wearing this to emulate my musical idol.

Cindy

How cute!  You must be into the Beach Boys and stuff like that!

Rob

I despite the Beach Boys and all that fruity doo-wop stuff.

Cindy

Well merciful heavens Rob, I didn’t mean to offend.

Rob

Cindy, this shirt comes from a much higher minded artist.  I’m talking about Weird Al Yankovic.

Cindy

No way!  That guy just writes goofy tunes.

Rob

You poor fool.  Weird Al is a prominent social critic and philosopher who happens to utilize comedic wit.

Cindy

He has songs about belching, farting, and polka.

Rob

Incidental embellishments to highlight his social messages.

Cindy

Yeah?  What would those messages be?

Rob

Well, for starters there’s “Dare to be stupid.”

Cindy

That’s not a message.  That’s just silly.

Rob

Only to the primitive mind.  You see, once one realizes that we all live alone in an existential quandary, it’s quite logical to realize that it requires courage to act as a fool.

Cindy

The guy writes parody songs.  This isn’t deep stuff Rob!

Rob

Oh, to the contrary.  His discourse on Michael Jackson’s “Beat it” cleverly titled “Eat it” was a sweeping condemnation of Reagan era policy and intervention in Latin America.

Cindy

No, it was about Twinkies!

Rob

Oh you poor unenlightened soul.  Those Twinkies represented the bastion of hopeful freedom being destroyed by the hungry mouth of greedy American corporatism!

EDIT

SCENE 8

Guru, Rick

OPEN ON: A GURU’S RETREAT

Guru

Rick, I’ve filled you with much enlightenment.  Go in peace.

Rick

But master, I still have much to learn.

Guru

That’s true.  But to learn, you must join worldly struggle.

Rick

But master, I thought the purpose of studying was to overcome the struggles most people face.

Guru

You have book knowledge, but you have much to learn in life.

Rick

But I want to stay here with you.

Guru

That isn’t possible.  My son, you’ve run out of financial aid.

Rick

I thought you were about teaching the noble truths of life.

Guru

Oh, I am.  And part of it is having enough cash to pay me.

Rick

So that’s it?  After 22 years, I’m now left to fend for myself?

Guru

He who fends for himself can avoid paying gurus large sums of money to delay living in the real world.

Rick

Master, I’ve learned every lesson you’ve taught, but I’m confused by this wisdom you’re imparting.

Guru

The time has come to find a new way to pay me, or move on.

EDIT

SCENE 9

Paul, Tom

OPEN ON: THE ACTORS STUDIO

Paul

Once more, fair Horatio, once more.

PAUL TILTS HIS HEAD BACK WITH CONFIDENCE

Paul

That’s how you do drama.  Finer words have never been spoken.

Tom

Yeah, about that.  You’re a great instructor and all…

Paul

Thank you much kind sir.

Tom

But it’s been 10 weeks and I’ve had no stage time.

Paul

One must learn the technique before they can perform well.

Tom

That’s probably true.  But it’s been 10 weeks, and the only lines you’ve delivered are “Once more, fair Horatio, once more.”

Paul

Ah yes, the immortal words of the bard, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Tom

Um, I believe they were originally written by Shakespeare.

Paul

Perhaps.  But when proclaimed with the poetry of the immortal Mr. Seymour Hoffman, there’s been no finer moment in all of theater history, or the history of humanity.

Tom

That might be a bit of an exaggeration…

Paul

Clearly, you’ve learned nothing from ten weeks of instruction.

Tom

Actually, that’s pretty accurate!

Paul

Vile temptress!  Dastardly traitor!

Tom

I know you like the way Phil Hoffman delivered that line.

Paul

A lesson worth more than rubies.

Tom

But I’m no better at acting because of it!

Paul

Well, as the beloved bard Phillip proclaimed, “Thou shall get no refunds!”

EDIT

SCENE 10

Priest, John

OPEN ON: A MORGUE

Priest

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered today to mourn the death of Luke Fredrickson, a Doors roadie.

John

Hey priest dude, it’s just me.  You don’t have to say dearly beloved.  Luke would hate it.

Priest

Death comes, and to the great void we return.

John

Look, I’m not paying you.  I’m the only one here.  Luke wasn’t religious.

Priest

It’s noble to serve Christ in our short time while we can.

John

Jesus man, are you even listening to a word I’m saying?

Priest

Jesus will answer you in your hour of need my son.

John

Jesus hasn’t shown me or anyone else anything.  I’d like it if you’d leave and let me have a moment with my friend in peace.

Priest

Peace only comes to those who call upon the name of Jesus.

John

You’re really pushing me here buddy!

Priest

And you can do anything with your best buddy, Jesus!

John

Fine, I’m leaving.  You pastors are awful crooks!

JOHN EXITS

Priest

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

EDIT

SCENE 11

Rob, Mortimer, Marty, Bauman

OPEN ON: A STAGE

Rob

Mortimer, I need you in here.

MORTIMER ENTERS

Mortimer

Hi, sorry I’m late.

Rob

No problem.  Here at the Jewish Titans of Comedy, we forgive.

Mortimer

It’s nice to be here doing bits.

Rob

Okay, now I’m going to have you on right before Soupy Sales.

Mortimer

I don’t know if I can follow Soupy.

Rob

He’s a hard act to follow.

MORTY ENTERS

Morty

Oh my Lanta, I just need to schevtz!

Rob

Welcome, Morty.  You’ll also be going on after Soupy Sales.

BAUMAN ENTERS

Bauman

I have some bad news gentlemen.  Soupy Sales is dead.

Mortimer

Oh no. 

Rob

A world without Soupy?

Pat

I’m stunned.

THE GUYS LOOK SAD

Mortimer

Well, I guess I get another thirty minutes.

EDIT

SCENE 12

Tim, Phil, Bob

OPEN ON: AN OFFICE

Tim

Help me.  I’m bleeding out of my stomach.

Phil

This problem is easily solved.  You need to visualize better.

Tim

Okay.  Nope, I’m still bleeding.

Phil

Now as your psychologist, I’m telling you need these pills.

Tim

Oh, you’re my psychologist, no wonder.

Phil

This really is matter of mind over matter.

Tim

Oh, okay.

BOB ENTERS

Bob

These pills you gave me aren’t working.

Phil

Oh, we’ll just triple the dosage of morphine you get.

Bob

Oh, okay.  Thanks.

BOB EXITS

Tim

But what about me and my blood?

Phil

Use the techniques of Mary Baker Eddy to visualize pain away.

Tim

That’s not working.  Perhaps we should try a little Scientology.

Phil

That can’t work.  The evil God Zenu placed a curse that will last three million more years.

Tim

Oh, that’s just the evil version of Zenu.  I’m talking about the good one without a goatee.

Phil

Wait, what?

Tim

The good Zenu has no goatee.  It’s just like Dr. Spock in Star Trek: Evil God has a goatee, but no goatee, everything’s fine.

EDIT

SCENE 13

Ron, Jerry, D

OPEN ON: A POKER TOURNAMENT

Ron

And Casillas sits, staring at his opponent.

Jerry

This poker tournament is only for the steeliest of competitors.

Ron (sarcastic)

Yes, it takes great bravery to sit in a chair and play a game.

Jerry

We agreed to keep the sarcasm to an absolute minimum Ron.

Ron

We did Jerry, but when you say something stupid, it comes out.

Jerry

We need to build up the game for viewers.  It’s why we get paid.

Ron

Well, if I do it with someone competent, I’m as game as these steely competitors we speak about.

Jerry

You’ve been a prick since you lost custody of your kids!

Ron

Now that’s just over the line.

Jerry

You attack me because that bitch ex-wife of yours attacks you.

Ron

I don’t want my personal family matters aired on national TV.

Jerry

What personal family?  Personally, you have no family.

Ron

You son of a bitch!

Jerry

Don’t attack my family, the one I actually have, just because you’re too much of a loser to keep yours together.

EDIT

SCENE 14

Greg, Doc, Andy

OPEN:  A HEART CLINIC

Doc

Greg, there’s this broad who’s trying to take me out.

Greg

Excuse me?

Doc

Some female with breasts is trying to kill my business.

Greg

I don’t think this has anything to do with my heart issues.

Doc

Greg, it does.  You see, both your heart and mine are breaking.

Greg

That doesn’t sound good.

Doc

It’s awful.  If we fight against dame doctors, we can make it.

Greg

I’ll do what it takes Doc.

Doc

That’s what I like to hear.  Now Greg, I’ll give you 10,000 dollars off the surgery if you whack this broad.

Greg

You’re trying to get me to commit illegal crimes!

Doc

Greg, a lot of heroes are criminals.  The founding fathers were murderous terrorists.  Jesus was an outlaw.  And the universe we live in whacks us all.  Think of this as a business decision.

Greg

Well, I can’t think of doing such a wicked act, unless you give me at least a half-off coupon.

Doc

Every man has his price.  Very well, Greg, you have a deal.

Greg

Let’s make it 75%.

Doc

That’s a little steep.  I still pay for the cost of supplies and after work expenses.  75% is my final offer.

Greg

I’ll take it!

EDIT

OPEN ON: CINDY’S HOUSE

Greg

Dude, all we have to do is put a pill in this chick’s drink.

Andy

But I don’t get why.

Greg

The army told me to.  Okay, let’s go over our back story again.

Andy

We’re travelling acrobats, wanting to meet a nice local lady.

Greg

Sounds great so far.

Andy

We’re going to hang out late night with the wild lion tamers, and need a date to impress the ringmaster.

Greg

Wonderful.

Andy

And we’d like to have some drinks before we go.

Greg

We have a winner.  Okay, you ring the door bell, and I’ll talk.

Andy

I really am better at talking than ringing door bells.

Greg

It doesn’t matter.  I’ll do both.  Just stay quiet.

Andy

I don’t like being your wing man.  I thought we were equals.

Greg

Look, the big thing is that we slip this pill into her drink.

Andy

So you don’t care if I ask her out if she looks good, right?

Greg

She’s not going to be alive!  Of course I don’t care.

Andy

Boy you’re touchy!  Let’s just do this and watch sports later.

EDIT

SCENE 15

Frank, Rusty

OPEN ON: A COAT FACTORY

Frank

At my coat factory, we make the best coats money can buy.

Rusty

I find that hard to believe Frank.

Frank

Rusty, I find it hard to believe that you don’t believe me.

Rusty

There are many coat factories in the world.  I don’t believe you’ve empirically tested every single coat that’s ever been.

Frank

Not necessary.  We start with the best material.

Rusty

I can’t believe you’ve tested every single material on Earth.  You can say you have a good product.  But there’s no way you can know if you’re the best.

Frank

I’m the best if I believe I’m the best.

Rusty

But there could be lots of people who believe they’re the best.  But only one person is actually the best.

Frank

Good thing that’s me.

Rusty

You know there are other people just like you, who also believe themselves to be the finest coat manufacturers in the world.

Frank

Maybe, but I’m the only one who’s right.

Rusty

Well, as long as you have a logical view.

EDIT

SCENE 16

Pat, Mike

OPEN ON: A GOLF COURSE

Pat

You know, they just don’t make em’ like they used to.

Mike

I think this golf course is a fine golf course Pat.

Pat

Well Mike, it has flaws.

Mike

I can’t think of even one.

Pat

For starters, there are no par five holes.

Mike

Such is life at Donny’s Putt Putt O-Rama.

Pat

I do like how little time it takes to walk to the green.

Mike

I like the scrumptious snack bar.

Pat

Good point.  Let’s make this our new country club!

Mike

Nice!

EDIT

SCENE 17

Tom, Rick

OPEN ON: A GUITAR SHOP

Tom

These guitars are top of the line.  They’re the Gibson 3000’s.

Rick

Tom, you make a convincing case.  But it’s tough to swing the 10,000 dollar price tag.

Tom

Rick, I won’t lie.  Times are tough for a lot of people now.

Rick

I’m doing okay at the dental office.  Even in tough times, people still have plaque.

Tom

Thank God for that.

Rick

But I’m worried that Suzy might want to go to college someday.

Tom

Probably.  A lot of kids do.  But ask yourself, would you rather save for a day that may never come if your kid gets hit by a bus, or would you rather play the same gear as Eric Clapton?

Rick

Tom, it’s highly unlikely that Suzy will be hit by a bus.

Tom

Oh I know.  I’m just saying, for all you know, Suzy could be shot by the Vietcong.

Rick

That’s a horrible thing to say.  And even less likely than your first preposterous suggestion.

Tom

All I’m saying is, you know that your kid is going to die, you just don’t know how.  That seems like a dead investment, literally.  There’s vibrant life with a Gibson 3000! 

Rick

I wish you wouldn’t talk about my kid dying.  But I can’t deny I feel like a god when I hold that guitar.

Tom

Rightly so.  You want your daughter to see you as God before she dies!

Rick

Quit talking about her dying.  I want the guitar.  How about an installment plan?

Tom

Well, you could give me a dollar a day for the next 10,000 days.

Rick

Maybe, but I’m bad at planning far ahead.  And I’d hate to get behind in the payments.

Tom

Perhaps 50 cents a day over the next 20,000 days.

Rick

That’s even longer term.  But I like the low payments.

Tom

You’re good Rick.  10 cents a day for the next 100,000 days.

Rick

I love the idea of unborn relatives paying bills for me.  Deal!

EDIT

SCENE 18

Greg, Hank

OPEN ON: AN AUDITION

Greg

Welcome to the audition.  Please, don’t feel nervous.

Hank (nervous)

Okay.  I feel completely cool!

Greg

You’re sweating.

Hank

I always sweat.  Even when I’m asleep.

Greg

Fair enough.  Let’s open with a bit about turtle wax.

Hank

Okay great.

HANK SPEAKS IN A HAMMY MANNER

 

Hank

What’s the deal with turtle wax?  You get no turtle, but it’s really waxy?  It’s like when you get a small hot fudge sundae?  Who are you kidding?  It’s still loaded with fat!  Am I right?

Greg

Wow.  So much better than the other 593 people today.

Hank

Really?

Greg

Tons better.  If you can nail shaving cream, the gig is yours.

Hank

Thank you sir.

Greg

Thank you for being a real entertainer.  This time, let’s hear a ten second spot about shaving cream.  Whenever you’re ready.

HANK SPEAKS IN A HAMMY MANNER

Hank

What’s the deal with shaving cream?  Who decided we need to put foamy stuff on our faces to get rid of tiny hairs?  It makes no sense that people devote their lives to better shaving cream!

Greg

Marvelous.  Just marvelous.  If you pitch shaving cream and turtle wax that well, you’ll have no problem recruiting for Al Qaeda.

EDIT

SCENE 19

Frank, Paula, Mr. Katzinger

OPEN ON: A DELI

Frank

I think I’m going to go with the corn beef hash.

Paula

It’s just too Jew-y for me Frank.

Frank

That’s horrible Paula.  Jews have done a lot of good for us.

Paula

Yeah, run the banks, the media, and send us to wars.  A whole lot of good.

Frank

That’s not just Jews.

Paula

Yeah, but you know Jews are at the top of all those things.

Frank

I don’t think Jews control all the money and send us into wars.

Paula

I noticed you left out the media.

Frank

Well, they don’t run it all.

Paula

That corn beef hash is had at the blood of your countrymen.

Frank

Look Paula, you know a lot.  You were right about dumping World Trade Center stock in 2001.

Paula

Boy was I.

Frank

You were right about not betting on President Bush getting re-elected to a third term.

Paula

I thought it was obvious.

Frank

Not to me.  And you’re right about cats needing oxygen to live.

Paula

That was one ugly bet.

Frank

You’re telling me.  But you’re wrong about corn beef hash.

Paula

Fine, go against all my good advice, and support Jews.

Frank

Fine.  Excuse me, Mr. Katzinger.

Mr. Katzinger

Good to see you Frank.  Let me guess: Corn beef hash?

Frank

That’s right.

Mr. Katzinger

Excellent pick.  Anything for the lady this evening?

Paula

I’ll have a take away the oppression of the gentiles special!

Mr. Katzinger

Hmm.  Never had that before.  How about a fried ham, bacon, sausage and shellfish?

EDIT

SCENE 20

Peter, Jen, Dr. Whirley

OPEN ON: A FALAFEL SHOP

Peter

Man, I love selling falafel!

Jen

I’m glad you love it Peter, but I hate it.

Peter

I don’t get how you could hate this Jen!

Jen

I hate everything about this stupid place!

Peter

You can’t speak such heresy!

Jen

I’m just being honest Peter.

Peter

Jen, you must be losing your mind.  I think you need help.

Jen

I’d love that.  I have a lot of issues I need to sort out.

Peter

Well, you can use your generous Falafel Hut insurance package to go see Dr. Whirley.

Jen

Wow, Dr. Whirley is the best!

Peter

Out of the two psychiatrists we know, I believe he’s the slightly superior one.

Jen

Well then, it’s off to Dr. Whirley’s!

CUT TO: DR. WHIRLEY’S PSYCHIATRIC OFFICE

Dr. Whirley

I understand you’re suffering from workus crapus Jen.

Jen

Yes Dr. Whirley.  I can’t stand it.

Dr. Whirley

I think the root of the problem with your dislike of falafel may be that it sucks.

Jen

Excuse me Dr…

Dr. Whirly

It’s a big world with nearly infinite options.  Devoting your life to a restaurant that boasts about its devotion to a sub-par Middle Eastern food is no way to live!

Jen

Wow Dr. Whirley.  I didn’t think you’d be so honest.

Dr. Whirly

Jen, I think you’d be happy if you start the chicken farm.

Jen

I think so too.  But it might be tough to set up in Manhattan.

EDIT

SCENE 21

Ron, George

OPEN ON: A MEETING WITH GEORGE W. BUSH

Ron

Bush!  Why’d you send all those kids to die fighting for money?

George

I was just taking orders!

Ron

Just taking orders?  That’s bullshit!

George

It was Cheney!

Ron

Now you gonna blame Cheney?  You’re second in command?

George

Laura made me do it.

Ron

How did someone like you get to be the leader of two wars?

George

My Dad told me to do it.

Ron

You ever hear of a thing called personal responsibility?

George

My Mom never told me about it.

Ron

That’s the most preposterous thing I’ve ever heard!

George

Uh, thank you, I think.

EDIT

SCENE 22

Igor, Cindy

OPEN ON: A SCUBA INSTRUCTION LESSON

Igor

First, put the nozzle in your mouth if you want oxygen.

Cindy

This scuba thing seems rather complicated.

Igor

All you have to do is put the nozzle in your mouth and breathe.

Cindy

This is all too much!  I think I’m going to have a panic attack!

Igor

You realize we’re nowhere near water.  We’re in Columbus, OH, hundreds of miles away from water.

Cindy

I don’t think I can handle this.  Can I just pay you and leave?

Igor

Think of the rich experience you’ll miss out on if you leave.

Cindy

I think I’m having a panic attack over leaving!

Igor

Have you ever considered maybe a nice leisurely game of tennis?

Cindy

Tennis!  Oh my God!

CINDY RUNS OUT THE LESSON SCREAMING

Igor

Probably best that she never made it past lesson one.

EDIT

SCENE 23

Clara, Kevin

OPEN ON: THE WORST BALLET EVER

Clara

God, this ballet sucks!

Kevin

I never thought Meatloaf would agree to do ballet.

Clara

He’s even less graceful than his name.

Kevin

I don’t get the whole disco backdrop either.

Clara

We should just leave.

Kevin

We can’t do that.  It’s rude.

Clara

We paid 1000 bucks a seat for this.  We can do what we want.

Kevin

You know me, once I start something, I have to finish.

Clara

That’s ridiculous!  What if they went on for two straight days?

Kevin

I’d be here.

Clara

What if they went on for a week straight?

Kevin

I’d call off work.

Clara

I think you have a problem

Kevin

I think you have a problem: A lack of commitment.

Clara

I hate that you always bring this up at the ballet!

EDIT

SCENE 24

Tim, Lita, Marco

OPEN ON: A COFFEHOUSE IN ENGLAND

Lita

Marco, I hear at Warbucks they pay double what you get here.

Marco

But I’m happy at Kalua coffeehouse.

Tim

Hey Marco, I’ll give you five bucks if you switch to day shift.

Marco

No thanks.  I like it here.

Lita

Marco, I’ll poison your dog if you don’t let me work day shift.

TIM GRABS LITA

Tim

Whoa, what are you doing?

Lita

Kicking it up a notch.

Tim

I don’t think you should threaten physical violence.

Lita

I didn’t.  It’s just a dog.

Tim

That’s illegal.

Lita

So was The Iraq war, but you don’t see anyone bitching about it.

Tim

This is insane.

Marco

Excuse me, but did you threaten my dog?

Lita

I said some things.  Bottom line, I want the day shift.

Marco

No dice.

Lita

Very well then.  You bring some nasty fate upon your children.

Tim

Whoa, I’m not behind this at all Lita.

Marco

Are you threatening my children?

Lita

Oh, I think you are.

Marco

I’m calling the branch manager and getting you fired.

Lita

Oh, I got the branch manager already.  He’ll do you no good in his condition.  Unless you want to join him, give me day shift.

Tim

Lita, this is just wrong!

LITA SMACKS TIM

Lita

Day shift at any cost!  Do it Marco!

Marco

Maybe a split shift could be arranged.

Lita

No fucking split shift!  I want the day shift.

Marco

Run your arguments by me again….

EDIT

SCENE 25

Regis, Mike

OPEN ON: A JOB INTERVIEW

Regis

So, tell me why you want to be grocery store manager.

Mike

I want to provide a good life for my family…

Regis

Is there any chance I can get you to improve your answer?

Mike

What do you mean?

Regis

Well, if you also say it’s your lifelong dream to work at Aldi, that’ll make your answer stronger.

Mike

But what if that isn’t my lifelong dream?

Regis

We only hire folks who have lifelong dreams to be Aldi managers.

Mike

But nobody can.  Is it even possible for a baby to have dreams?

Regis

We don’t count babies.  From talking age we expect managers to have the goal to be a manager.

Mike

That’s absurd!

Regis

Well, I’m sorry to hear that.  I was hoping you were made of sterner stuff.  Off you go then.

Mike

I could be a cashier.  I assume that doesn’t require a lifelong dream.

Regis

Oh, to the contrary.  We expect all our cashiers to have that goal for life.

Mike

You think there are people who dream of being cashiers?

Regis

Yes.  Every single one of our cashiers in fact.

EDIT

SCENE 26

Laurie, Rick

OPEN ON: A CLOTHING STORE

Laurie

I love the prices at Target Men’s Wear Department Rick.

Rick

Yeah, it’s okay, I guess.

Laurire

Rick, you haven’t been enthusiastic about clothes lately.

Rick

I’m feeling like all this stuff is basically the same.

Laurie

Bite your tongue!  This Hawaiian shirt is nothing like that college football sweater.

Rick

It’s all middle of the road basic clothes.

Laurie

I’m glad we live in a place where this is considered average.

Rick

I want something more exciting, something bold.

Laurie

I can’t believe you.  Okay, Mr. Tough, Men’s Clearance it is.

Rick

Actually, I’d like clothes from somewhere that’s not Target.

Laurie

Now that’s just crazy talk.  I have a rewards card at Target.

Rick

Yeah, I know.

Laurie

And if you take ten percent off the already cheapest prices and the best quality of clothes offered today, it’s literally impossible to beat the deals we get by shopping at Target.

Rick

I was thinking about a little variety.  The guys tell me they have good stuff at Men’s Warehouse.

Laurie

Oh please.  Men’s Warehouse is full of fancy pretenders to the crown.  You’re just where you need to be.  Let me help you try on this lime green suit to prove it.

EDIT

SCENE 27

Marc, Brad

OPEN ON: A SCIENCE CONFERENCE

Marc

Brad, I’ve uncovered the latest development in the human genome.

Brad

Fascinating Marc.  Tell me of your ingenious research.

Marc

Well, in the nomenclature of the common man, people suck.

Brad

That’s hardly a new idea Marc.

Marc

Ah, yes, but now we have literal scientific proof.  You see, all human beings may become prone to physical illnesses.

Brad

Yes, I know.  I think cavemen probably realized this.

Marc

But they weren’t able to chart it on a color graph like me.

MARC UNVEILS A LARGE COLOR GRAPH

Brad

It’s very colorful, but this has already been known.

Marc

Okay big guy.  My biggest theory: Eventually, all people die.

Brad

I think everyone already knows and accepts this Marc.

Marc

Brad, you’re missing the point.  I have footage of a man dying.

Brad

So what?  This isn’t groundbreaking in any way!

Marc

You seem disappointed with my research.

Brad

You bet I am!  I invested thirty million dollars, and for what?

Marc

With my information, you can accept that your cancer will allow you to join the rest of humanity!

Brad

I don’t think this research will help your next grant proposal.

Marc

That’s a shame, but it won’t be for a year.

Brad

I’ll register a formal complaint then.

Marc

Go ahead.  I’ve already fired the complaints department to put more money into my research.

EDIT

EDIT

SCENE 28

Ben, Shelly

OPEN ON: A DANCE

Ben

Hey Shelly, I’d like to dance with you.

Shelly

I’d like to dance with you if you were a better dancer.

Ben

I’ve been working on it.  I call this one the Charlie Pride.

BEN DANCES A BAD COUNTRY LINE DANCE

Shelly

That was just awful Ben. 

Ben

But we’re at a dance.  Just give me one dance.

Shelly

Okay, okay.  But that’s it.

Ben

Cool.

SHELLY AND BEN SLOW DANCE

Ben

That wasn’t so bad.

Shelly

Yeah, it was all right.

Ben

Just give me one kiss.

Shelly

I’m not going to kiss you.

Ben

I’ve been practicing.   Look!

BEN MAKES AN AWFUL KISSING FACE

Ben

Uh?

Shelly

That was terrible.

Ben

Just one!  It’s a dance.

Shelly

Fine.  Just one.

EDIT

Ben

Come on Shelly!  Just marry me!  Just once.

EDIT

SCENE 29

Lot, Ike, Olga

OPEN ON: A FILM SET

Lot

Ike, we only have one more part.  Bring in the actor you think looks most like Gilbert Gottfried.

Ike

Okay boss!

OLGA ENTERS

Olga

I was just sweeping the hallway.  I’m not really an actor.

Ike

Non-sense.  You look the part. 

Lot

Acting finds you. 

Olga

I don’t know if I can memorize lines.

Lot

We can just let you improvise your part.

Olga

I don’t know what I’d be doing.

Ike

You’re a hard sell.  But we want you.

Olga

I’d have to work around my job.

Lot

That’s fine.  We’ll tell Spielberg and Cameron to cool their jets because… what’s your name?

Olga

Olga Penrose.

Ike

Lovely name.  I’ll tell Steve and Jim we need to wait on Olga.

Olga

Okay.

Lot

Well done.  We’ll be in touch with your agent.

Olga

I don’t have an agent.

Ike

We’ll just call you.

Olga

I don’t have a phone.

Lot

Show up here and we’ll take you to where you need to be.

Olga

Okay.  Thanks.

OLGA EXITS

Lot

Hey Ike, do you think we should ever have actors read lines before hiring them?

Ike

No.  I think we’ve perfected the craft of getting the best actors as quickly as possible.

Lot

Amen.  I can’t wait to start Shrek vs. Godzilla.

EDIT

SCENE 30

Striker, Kennedy

OPEN ON: NASA MEETING

Striker

It’s only three minutes before launch now Kennedy.

Kennedy

Oh my God, like totally fab.

Striker

Kennedy, I’m concerned about your lack of focus on the goals of NASA.

Kennedy

She-yeah!  I am like, totally committed to like the space stuff and things that we do.

Striker

Kennedy, I know your Father is an important man…

Kennedy

Yeah, he’s totally the mack Daddy boss of yall, like the President of NASA or something.

Striker

Yes, we all know your Father.  But you don’t seem to be ready to ensure our crew’s safety.

Kennedy

Yeah right!  I am like so, bitchin’ at checking out bolts and screws and stuff.

Striker

If we have an accident because of shoddy equipment, I couldn’t bear it.

Kennedy

You like, need to chill bro.  It’s all good.

Striker

Kennedy, I wonder if maybe I could talk you into a nice job at NASA reception.

Kennedy

Na, I want what I gots.  I’m gonna be a safety whatever for my Daddy.

Striker

Well, did you install the F-157 grip to ensure our crew would have access to oxygen?

Kennedy

I think I did something like that.  I just followed the little card they gave me like always.

Striker

Do you even know what I am talking about?

Kennedy

Not really, but you seem to be all freaked out.

Striker

Three astronauts could die because you gave them no air!  Do you know why I’m freaking out?

Kennedy

Yeah!  Cuz’ you lack the resolve required for competent leadership!

EDIT

SCENE 31

Kevin, Jim, Stan, Reporter

OPEN ON: AN NFL OWNER’S OFFICE

Kevin

Hey Jim.  I know you own the Browns and you’re busy, but I’d like to have a word.

Jim

Well, I’m never too busy to talk to a random stranger who bursts unexpectedly into my office.

Kevin

See, that’s part of the problem.  You should be too busy for this sort of thing.

Jim

But then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  I fail to understand.

Kevin

I mean that you should be working to get better players for a better team.

Jim

Kevin, that’s tough.  The best players already make millions playing for teams better than ours.

Kevin

You have to get better talent, or your beloved Browns are going to be a laughing stock.

Jim

Kevin, I’ll be honest with you.  I don’t like football.

Kevin

What?  That’s crazy!

Jim

What I like is making millions, if not billions of dollars.  If you get me millions, I’ll leave you in charge.

Kevin

All I got on me is 12 dollars.

Jim

I’ll assume you can cover the rest later.  Congrats.  You’re the new owner of the Cleveland Browns.

Kevin

Wow!

CUT TO: A PRESS CONFERENCE

Stan

And now, proud to present your prestigious owner, Kevin Longley!

KEVIN ENTERS

Kevin

Thank you.  It’s been hard taking the Browns from last place to a low tier playoff candidate.

Stan

I can vouch for that.

Kevin

Thank you Stan.  In fact, we have more wins this year already…

Stan

4 more, to be precise.

Kevin

Yes Stan, that is correct.

Stan

Thank you sir.  I appreciate your gratitude.

Kevin

Yeah.  Hey Stan, can we talk after my press conference?

Stan.

Absolutely.  I relish every moment we spend together sir.

Kevin

Right.  And as I was saying…

Stan

It means a great deal to me to be acknowledged publicly.

Kevin

Stan, I’m in a press conference.  I’d like to do it without…

Stan

Any major disasters taking place.

Kevin

Yes, and I’d also like no more interruptions.

Stan

I’ll be on the lookout sir.

Kevin

Please refrain from speaking Stan.

Stan

What if I see a fire?

Kevin

Let someone else point it out.

Stan

That seems rather dangerous sir.

Kevin

I just need you to remain absolutely silent for a few moments.

Stan

Yes sir, your wish is my command.

Kevin

Great.  Sorry about that folks.  As I was saying…

STAN STARTS TAPPING KEVIN ON THE SHOULDER

Kevin

Stan, you’re really trying my patience.

STAN CONTINUES TO POINT

Kevin

Go ahead and speak Stan.

Stan

That reporter over there has a question.

Kevin

Okay Stan.  Here’s what I want.  I want you to go get me a breakfast sandwich from Burger King.

Stan

Cool.  Which one do you want? 

Kevin

I want one of each.  Then I can share with my friends.

Stan

Nice.  Can I get one too?

Kevin

Yes Stan.

Stan

How about one of every one, like you?

Kevin

Yes Stan.  I need you to go now.

Stan

I’m on it good buddy.

STAN EXITS

Reporter

Why is a man like that in your organization?

Kevin

Excellent question Ken.  When I bought the Browns I also acquired the rights to the former owners challenged son.

Reporter

Huh?  I guess that makes sense.

Kevin

My tolerance shows my level of commitment to the Browns and…

STAN ENTERS

Stan

Hey!   I forget how to get to Burger King.

Kevin

Welcome to my nightmare.

EDIT

SCENE 32

Smith, Sara, Harold, Ryan

OPEN ON: A WRITER’S WORKSHOP

Smith

Welcome to the children’s literature conference!

Sara

Thank you.  I have a special gift with “Bee’s Knees Please.”

Smith

Indeed, a wonderful diatribe about bees.

Harold

But it can’t hold a candle to Horton Hears a 2: Hear Harder.

Ryan

Everyone knows sequels are just to get money from saps.

Harold

How dare you!

Smith

Horton 2 adds well crafted layer upon layer of poetic imagery.

Harold

See.  Told you so.

Ryan

Horton 2 is garbage compared to Hey Kids, Let’s Get Funky!

Sara

I can’t believe a book teaching kids about disco ever caught on!

Smith

I’m appalled at your fierce barbs towards each other!  “Hey Kids, Let’s Get Funky!” is touching.

Ryan

Precisely Smith.

Harold

I was alive then, and nobody, especially children, should be forced to relive that awful time.

Sara

Yeah, the clothes alone made that the tackiest era ever!

Smith

You must learn to build your fellow geniuses up.

Sara

But they’re not as good as me!

Smith

You’re all talented and worthy.   Not like the hacks at Disney!

Ryan

Excuse me sir…

Smith

Or those losers over at Dreamworks for tots!

Harold

But they seem to do good work.

Smith

And the whores at Leprechaun Inc.  I’d smash them if I could!

EDIT

SCENE 33

Pete, Derek

OPEN ON: A DORM ROOM

Pete

There’s just not enough time to live the way I want to Derek.

Derek

You only have a part-time job at Papa John’s.  You have no girlfriend.  And you dropped out of school.

Pete

I know, but I’m just so like busy with stuff I have to do.

Derek

And you quit the frat since you dropped out.  All you do is play video games.

Pete

That’s not all I do.

Derek

What else do you do?

Pete

I watch videos and I play Frisbee golf twice a week.

Derek

I don’t think that’s going to get you anywhere in life Pete.

Pete

I’m right where I want to be, except for my hectic schedule.

Derek

You work part-time.  How’s that hectic?

Pete

I barely got to watch The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live, old Monty Python’s, and The Office last week.

Derek

You have no clue how hard most people have it in life.

Pete

Why would I want to know that?

Derek

Because, you might learn to appreciate what you have.

Pete

I appreciate that I get a free pizza when the guys fuck up.

EDIT

SCENE 34

Glen, Judy

OPEN ON: A MOVIE SET

Glen

I appreciate the hard work on Butterlump Cousins.

Judy

We love it.  But maybe we could have a more marketable title.

Glen

What are you talking about Judy?

Mike

Yeah Glen, Judy has a point.  It’s great, but the title…

Glen

Let me tell you a story.  I have a vision of something better than Citizen Kane.  It’s Butterlump Cousins.

PAUSE FOR A BEAT

Judy

Was that the story?

Glen

Yes.

Ike

But marketing said Butterlump Cousins would be a bad title.

Judy

Honestly Glen, it tested worse than Pluto Nash 2.

Glen

I can’t believe I’m hearing this!  You mutinous vultures. 

Mike

Glen we don’t mean to insult you!

Glen

Mission a failure then!  If you aren’t on board with Butterlump Cousins, you aren’t with me at all.

Judy

What about BLC?  That could be taken for a lot of things!

Ike

Yeah, I like that better.

Glen

And you Mike?

Mike

It’s not perfect, but I do like it better than Butterlump.

Glen

Well I tell you what then.  You can all get the HELL OUT!

Judy

We don’t want to quit…

Glen

It’s not quitting when you’re fired!  Out!  Out.  Butterlump Cousins will continue without you.

EDIT

PAT SPEAKS INTO A MICROPHONE

Pat

And in shocking news, Butterlump Cousins once again beat out Titanic 2 at the box office this week.

EDIT

SCENE 35

Ted, Mark

OPEN ON: A BLINDNESS CENTER

Ted

You have no right to treat me this way Mark!

Mark

I meant well Tad.

Ted

My name is Ted.  I hate it when you call me Tad.

Mark

It doesn’t matter.

Ted

It’d be like me calling you Bark!  Do you want to be Bark?

Mark

What’s the difference?  You’re blind anyway!

Ted

That is so ignorant!  I’m still a human being.

Mark

But only like part of one.  I mean come on Tad.  Nobody blind has ever done anything good.

Ted

You’ve never heard of Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, or Jose Feliciano?

Mark

They just play some oldies tunes.  Blind people suck at things that rock, like NASCAR.

Ted

No shit!  That’d be madness to have a blind driver, idiot.

Mark

And I’ve noticed you blindos all have this hatred towards me.

Ted

Because you act like a total dick to us!

Mark

Well, if I have to lose my eyesight to understand, count me out. 

Ted

You have no idea how offensive that is.

Mark

You have no idea what you’re missing, unless you were normal and then turned blind by some accident.

Ted

I’m leaving.  I may be blind, but at least I have human decency!

Mark

I’d still rather have my eyesight.

EDIT

SCENE 36

Doc, Brad

OPEN ON: AN OPTEMITRIST’S OFFICE

Doc

Okay, wonderful optometry session Brad.

BRAD SPEAKS IN AN UNUSUAL “OLD TIMEY” ACCENT

Brad

Gee thanks Doc.

Doc

I love your new old timey accent Brad.

Brad

I’m just not sure how far to go back.

Doc

Now you sound like an 1890’s grizzled gold prospector.

Brad

That’s a very specific definition.

Doc

Oh yes, my parents were both linguists.

Brad

Wow.

CUT TO: RICK AND JOAN

JOAN SCREAMS

Rick

Oh yes, this is ancient Aztec expression for “I’m in pain.”

JOAN CLICKS HER TONGUE

Rick

I believe that’s Incan baby for “Get me some grub big dog.”

Joan

That’s precisely what I was thinking.

CUT TO: DOC AND BRAD

Doc

Oh yes, they were world renowned in their time.  Sadly, there’s little use for their talents now.

Brad

The economy is hitting everyone pretty hard.

Doc

It has nothing to do with that.  Everyone fears their theories about rap music being invented by fascists.

EDIT

SCENE 37

Boss, Lou, Ed, MC Fight

OPEN ON: A FASCIST MEETING

Boss

We need a new way to brainwash the masses.

Lou

Maybe if we kill them all, we won’t have to worry about it.

Boss

But bullets and camps and everything cost money.

Ed

True.  What’s dirt cheap and hurts a lot of people?

Lou

Fruitcake!

Boss

You putz!  I oughtta.

Lou

Geez boss!  Calm it down!

Ed

Water’s popular these days.  Maybe if we put chemicals in it.

Boss

Fuck that!  Only a sick nation would ever put chemicals in natural water.

BOSS PAUSES AND SMILES CHEESILY

Ed

Oh, I’ve got it!  Music!

Boss

Music?  Yeah, a lot of people seem to listen to it.

Ed

Let’s make it awful sounding, but sell it to the masses.

Boss

Maybe if we can get the artists to imitate people in these ghettos the commoners live in.

Lou

Maybe that could work.

Boss

No, it seems too impractical. 

Lou

Who’d believe some ghetto rat could ever produce sounds anyone would pay for?

Ed

Still, it could be worth a shot.

EDIT

SCENE 38

Ken, Mack

OPEN ON: A LIVING ROOM

Mack

I don’t care for rap music Ken.  I like Lawrence Welk.

Ken

No shit!  You must be a lot older than I thought Mack.

Mack

Probably not.  I just love the classics.

Ken

Scarface is the classic movie for rappers!  It’s amazing!

Mack

I remember Al Pacino.  Wasn’t he in that delightful Gigli movie?

Ken

You’ve seen Gigli, but you’ve never seen Scarface?

Mack

That is correct.

Ken

Your life will be changed.

Mack

But I’ve already seen Gigli.

Ken

I’m talking about Scarface.

Mack

I didn’t know Al Pacino ever rapped.

Ken

I don’t know if he ever did.

Mack

Then what does rap have to do with Pacino or Scarface?

Ken

Just watch the movie.

EDIT

SCENE 39

Vick, Sue

OPEN ON: A ZOO

Vick

I love what monkeys do this time of the year.

Sue

Yeah, it’s amazing to watch them sit, watch TV, and drink beer.

Vick

It’s like proof of evolution.

Sue

Almost like the least evolved humans.

Vick

Medical science does a study of our monkeys.

SCIENTIST ENTERS

Scientist

I’ve studied your monkeys and fascinating news is abrew.

Vick

I never thought I’d hear a scientist use the phrase “abrew.”

Scientist

We at the Albany Institute of Science are a colorful bunch. 

Sue

I’ll remember to tell my kids that.

Scientist

Splendid.  Now sweetcakes, I want to inform you…

Sue

I’m sorry, but you just called me sweetcakes.

Scientist

Why yes my little pumpkin dove.

Sue

This is ridiculous.  Please, all I want is to know about the research.

Scientist

Very well, butter muffin.

Sue

You did it again!

Scientist

I don’t know what you speak of angel wings.

Vick

You keep calling her disrespectful names!

Scientist

Look, hip cat squared, I don’t have to call you anything.

Vick

Fine.  Very good.  Keep it professional.

Scientist

Indeed. 

SCIENTIST STARTS WHISTLING AT VICK

Vick

What me?

SCIENTIST SHAKES HIS HEAD UP AND DOWN

Vick

Please, tell me what’s going on with Dr. Bubbles!

SCIENTIST POINTS AT VICK, IMITATES AN APE, AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, CLOSES HIS EYES, AND STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT

Vick

Oh no!  My monkey is going to kill you!

EDIT

SCENE 40

Woody, Scarlett

OPEN ON: THE SET OF A WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

Woody

Jesus, I don’t know what to think of that scene.

Scarlett

It’s fine Woody, just fine.  Let it go.

Woody

I mean the dialogue sounds phonier than a talk show.

Scarlett

I think it rings true.  Woody, you’re a joy to work with.

Woody

Please, you’re just saying that!

Scarlett

I’m saying it because it’s true.  Your movies are wonderful.

Woody

Now I know you’re lying.  I made some intentionally bad ones just to see if I could still make money.

Scarlett

You worry too much.  Everything is fine.

Woody

They’ll probably quit letting me make movies.  I’m finished!

Scarlett

Well, if that’s true, can I take over your next directing spot?

Woody

Judas!

EDIT

SCENE 41

Judas, Jesus

OPEN ON: JUDGEMENT DAY

Judas

I wish I’d never been born Jesus

Jesus

No doubt Judas.

Judas

I thought Thomas was the doubter.

Jesus

Focus Judas.

Judas

Oh sorry.  Wait, you always find fault with me Jesus.

Jesus

You sold out God for thirty pieces of silver!

Judas

I thought you’d destroy them, like God used to in The Old Testament.

Jesus

I’m saving it for the end.

EDIT

SCENE 42

Marty, Travis, Sam, Ned

OPEN ON: DINNER AT A MALL FOOD COURT

Marty

I hate it when you take yourself seriously instead of laughing.

Travis

I laugh when appropriate.  But some things are serious.

Marty

I haven’t found anything that can’t be used for comic fodder.

Travis

Really?  How about the Holocaust?

Marty

Are you kidding me?  You ever hear of Hogan’s Heroes?

Travis

How the hell did that show get on the air anyway?

CUT TO: HOGAN’S HEROES PITCH MEETING

Sam

You see, it’s going to be a comedy.

Ned

We need more comedy.  Please tell me more.

Sam

It’s got a great cast of lovable characters.

Ned

Sounds really good.

Sam

Colonel Clink is my favorite.

Ned

I like what I’m hearing.  Where does it take place?

Sam

Oh, a Nazi Prisoner of War camp.

Ned

That is brilliant!  Let’s make a TV show!

EDIT

SCENE 43

Will, Tim

OPEN ON:  A FLIGHT SCHOOL

Will

At Beckham flight school, we have one rule and one rule only.

Tim

I don’t care much for rules.

Will

Tim, this is just one rule.  I hope you respect the one rule.

Tim

Will, you and your stupid rules hold everyone back.

Will

Rule Tim.  Me and my stupid rule hold everyone back.

Tim

See Mr. have to be right.  You just need to chill.

Will

If I chill, lives could be at stake.

Tim

But you’re just a theory instructor.  We don’t fly in class.

Will

Tim, if you just listen to my rule, I think you’ll find that things around here will go much easier for you.

Tim

No, I’ve had it up to here with your rules!   I’m out of here.

TIM EXITS

Will

Well, I was going to tell him my only rule is: No rules!

EDIT

SCENE 44

Ed, Tim

OPEN ON: THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW

Ed

Welcome to The Ed Sullivan Show.  I’m Ed Sullivan.

Tim

Wow, thanks Mr. Sullivan.  You’re a legend man.

Ed

Thank you.  Now they tell me your name is Tim Knowles.

Tim

Yeah, that’s right.

Ed

Tim, I understand this is your first time doing national TV.

Tim

That’s correct sir.

Ed

Forgive me, but I have no idea who you are.

Tim

That’s a shame.  I’m a great punk musician.

Ed

Punk music?  Never heard of it.

Tim

Really?  Never heard of Sex Pistols, Ramones, or The Damned?

Ed

Okay guys cut. 

ED GESTURES TO CUT THE SCENE WITH HIS HAND MOCK SLICING HIS NECK

Ed

Look kid, you seem nice.  But we work clean on my program.

Tim

I don’t follow.

Ed

The punk thing was pushing the edge.  I don’t use the word, but I guess you kids have your new lingo.

Tim

I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

Ed

All right, look tough guy.  You can’t say sex on TV.  And you certainly can’t say damned!

Tim

A lot has changed in the world Mr. Sullivan.

Ed

I can’t imagine anything has changed about how to create top notch entertainment though.

Tim

A lot has changed Mr. Sullivan.  You can say anything on HBO.

Ed

That’s crazy.  Maybe the times have changed, but Ed Sullivan runs a clean and tight ship.

Tim

Fair enough.  I’ll try to maintain decency.

Ed

All right then, let’s give this a second go.

ED AND TIM SIT DOWN

Ed

All right, we’re back. My guest is the musician Tim Knowles.  Tim, what are some of your hit numbers?

Tim

Let’s see, there’s suck my dick bi-atch…

Ed

Wait a minute you rebel rouser!  I thought we were going clean.

Tim

But that’s the name of my biggest song.

Ed

What kind of world are we living in now, where a song with a swear word can make it big?

Tim

Oh, you have no idea!

EDIT

SCENE 45

Chuck, Ed

OPEN ON: THE FUTURE OF ENTERTAINMENT

Chuck

We’re taking TV to exciting new places in 2198.

Ed

I agree Chuck.  Let’s blow the lid off TV, and let people hop into the sack with alien species.

Chuck

I don’t know.  The moral majority might have a problem with it.

Ed

Those uptight assholes.  Always wanting to maintain the traditions of people only fucking!

Chuck

I know, I think alien people hybrids of the future will look back on this time in shame.

Ed

How can they be so close minded? 

Chuck

It’ll be like when people tried to enslave lovers into stupid religious or government marriage contracts.

Chuck

I know.  Who the hell knows what these cave men are thinking?

EDIT

OPEN ON: A PHILOSOPHER’S CONVENTION

SCENE 46

Fred, John

Fred

Good to see you John.

John

You too Fred.  In philosophy, you reign supreme over everyone.

Fred

Oh my.  That was a reference to the delightful work of KRS-One.

John

Ah yes, I studied his treatises for four years at Oxford before my doctorate in Run-DMC at Cambridge.

Fred

Oh my, to be a man of your impressive credentials.

John

Well I won’t lie.  It was rather difficult sorting through dense layers of 1980’s verse, but well worth it.

Fred

Oh my, I envy you.  I merely have my masters in Vanilla Ice.

John

A noble topic as well, perhaps not the depth of the work of my posse from Queens, but it is a start.

Fred

I suppose.  But if I don’t get tenure, I’ll have to resort to teaching Ice to community college transients.

John

GASP!  Oh merciful heavens!  Those scum!

EDIT

SCENE 47

Rev, Tim, Bev

OPEN ON: A MARRIAGE GONE WRONG

Rev

And do you Beverly, take this man…

Beverly

What man?  This boy has to borrow money just to get me a ring.

Tim

You bitch!  I didn’t want our goddamn Reverend to hear that!

Rev

I don’t think you want swearing or animosity at your wedding.

Beverly

I apologize Rev, he’s just such a piece of shit!

Tim

Maybe I’ll tell the Rev about what a whore you are!

Rev

Please.  You’re supposed to be wed tomorrow.

Beverly

Not if I kill him first!

Tim

You don’t have the fucking guys you cunt bag!

Rev

I’m sorry, I can’t support this.  I think you two have major issues you need to work out before you marry.

REV BEGINS TO EXIT, TIM GRABS HIS ARM

Tim

Come back Rev.  That was just a test!

Rev

What?

Beverly

We wanted to see if you were here for love or for the dough.

Tim

We see it’s the love.

Rev

Why on Earth would you put me through a test like that?

Beverly

We just wanted to know…

Rev

You miserable fools!  You heathens!

Tim

Excuse me Rev…

Rev

You’re two damned souls destined to be miserable in life and in the pits of hell immediately after.

Beverly

Now wait just a minute…

Rev

You’ll have nothing but waiting when you’re a charcoal briquette for eternity!

Tim

That’s just terrible!

Rev

Ha!   Gotcha!

Tim

What?

Beverly

Oh, he was giving us our own medicine honey.

Tim

Wait, is that true?

Rev

I’m as guilty as an unwashed sinner in the eyes of the Lord!

Beverly

That was so convincing Rev.

Tim

Had me fooled.

Rev

He who fools with Christ fools the biggest fools of all.

EDIT

SCENE 48

Claude, Ted

OPEN ON: A RESTAURANT IN PARIS

Claude

Oui!

Ted

Hey Claude, I don’t speak the French.

Claude

En Paris, no parla vous Français?

Ted

I no speak a, the French a.

Claude

That is a shame.  When you dine at a Parisian restaurant, it is more amazing to speak French.

Ted

Claude, I tried listening to them tapes.  I didn’t get what the hell they was talking about.

Claude

Very well.  I shall order for you.

CLAUDE WHISTLES

Claude

Bonjour.

Waiter

Les Big Mac?

Claude

Wi.  Deux Big Mac.

Waiter

Wi.  Deux.

Claude

Deux Coca Colas.

Waiter

Wi.

Claude

Y deux Français Frites.

Waiter

Wi monsieur.

Claude

Ah such a charm at the Paris McDonald’s.

EDIT

SCENE 49

Dale, Barb

OPEN ON: THE US OPEN

Dale

We bring you live, to the fourth round of U.S. tennis coverage.

Barb

And there are two guys, both wearing some really cute shorts, shaking hands in the middle of the court.

Dale

With us today, guest broadcaster Barb Standwith.

Barb

Great to be here Dale.  Thanks for having me.

Dale

If I’m being honest, I’m actually not crazy about the idea.

Barb

Why would you say that on live TV?

Dale

I can say what I want, as long as I don’t use profanity.

Barb

I’m trying to expand my resume and you resort to this?

Dale

Oh, and it looks like Benitez and Cryer are about to begin the first set.  Benitez serves first.

Barb

Despite broadcaster unprofessionalism, the match continues.

Dale

At least I know tennis.  Benitez misses with his first serve, but lofts his second serve in while Cryer hits a winner Benitez can’t quite catch to his right.  Let’s hear you call one, hack.

Barb

Hack?  I’ll show you hack!  The tall guy hits the ball and the other guy just lets it go by.  And the tall guy is going to hit the ball again.  He does, the other guy hits it into the ground.

Dale

What the hell was that?

Barb

I’m calling the game much more accurately than you.

Dale

I can’t believe you got this job.

Barb

I have a doctorate.  I’m way more qualified than you!

Dale

But this is a tennis broadcast!  Do you know the rules?

Barb

I’m learning, but more importantly, the less tall guy with the cute black shorts hit the ball and smiled.

Dale

Maybe I should just let you call the game, so I can watch this station go down the tubes and I can retire.

Barb

Yeah, nice team attitude Dale.  You’re the biggest prick in this sport since John McEnroe.

Dale

Maybe, but at least I know THE GAME!

Barb

Chauvinist broadcasters always get caught up in petty details.

EDIT

SCENE 50

Toni, Mike, Gene, Phil, Barker, Guy, Gal, Rita, Dr., Paul

OPEN ON:  A MIRACLE BIRTH

Toni

Oh!  Here it comes!  Ah!

GENE POPS OUT AND STARTS FLYING

Mike

I’ve never seen that before.

Toni

It’s a miracle!

Gene

Yes.  I am Gene, a miracle baby.

Mike

Wow.  You can talk!  I was hoping your first word would be Dada.

Gene

I have come here to perform miracles for the world.

Mike

Great.  You know, I got a lawn mower that’s been acting up Gene.

Gene

I have much greater needs to meet than a lawn mower.

Mike

How dare you?  Not even a day old and already back talking!

Gene

I have miracles to perform father.

Mike

Not before you help the ones who created your miracle ass!

Toni

We’re so proud of you for being so advanced for your age.

Gene

But I could save humanity.

Mike

That’s great kid, but our old toaster oven shouldn’t be ignored.

SEVEN YEARS LATER

Gene

I’ve repaired the entire house.  Now, I must save the world!

Mike

Hold on smart guy!  I used to think I’d take over the world with my band Rustic Weekend, and we all know how that turned out.

Gene

Your band has nothing to do with my supernatural gifts!

Mike

Point is, I ignored schooling and I’ve lived with regrets.  Your ass isn’t going to make the same mistakes I did!

Gene

But I have the ability to heal and save souls.

Mike

Maybe, but do you have the ability to calculate the cash you’ll need from a paycheck to pay rent?

Gene

I think I’ll be able to provide for myself.

Mike

I thought the same thing.  Seven years living in a van, barely ate.  No kid of mine is going through that.

Gene

But the world needs saved.  I can’t wait any longer.

Mike

How dare you talk back to me?  I ought to spank you to sleep!

Gene

You couldn’t harm me even if you tried.  I’m leaving.

Mike

Okay tough guy, I hope you don’t run out of miracles and wish you’d gotten a welder’s license!

Gene

I must depart.  Goodbye mother, goodbye father.

Toni

Oh my lovely Geney!  You grew up so fast!

Mike

Good riddance.  One less miracle mouth to feed.

Gene

I’m off.

Phil

Gene set off into the world, ready to save lives and souls.

CUT TO: NEW YORK CITY STREET

Barker

Step right up.  Miracle Gene is here to take care of all your ailments, fair citizens of New York City!

Guy

Yeah, my ass pal!  Some kid is going to save my life?  Fuck you!

Gal

This is blasphemous!  What would Jesus think?

Gene

But I can prove it!

GENE TOUCHES A HANDICAPPED WOMAN

Gene

Handicapped woman, walk!

Rita

First of all, why the hell you touching me kid?

Gene

I’m here to heal!

Rita

If I walk, how am I going to get social security?  You’re crazy!

Gene

But I assume you want health!

Tim

Hello, we’re here from New York children’s services. 

Cisse

Where are your parents?

Gene

My parents are back in Chippewa Falls.  I left them to heal.

Tim

I see.  Young man, I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us.

Gene

But I have healing powers.

Cisse

Right.  We’ll talk about that with your new friend, Dr. Bolton.

CUT TO: A PSYCH WARD

Gene

But I’m telling you doctor, I have healing powers.

Dr.

If you tell people that, they’ll think you’re crazy.

Gene

I can fly if you take me off these giant doses of pills.

Dr.

I see.  Tell me about your parents.

Gene

Mother’s wonderful.  Father’s obsessed with house gadgets, but means well.

Dr.

Did they ever encourage you trying to heal people?

Gene

Father wanted me to get my education first.  Mother was just so happy to have a miracle baby like me.

Dr.

I think you’ll be in treatment for a while longer.  We’ll have to build more trust between us.

Gene

But I’m telling the truth.

Dr.

Right.  For the time being, just relax try to stay calm.

Gene

But I have a mission.

Dr.

Your mission is to get well back on your unit.

Gene

But I’m not doing anyone any good there.  You have to let me go!

Dr.

I’m afraid not.  Goodbye Gene.

DR. EXITS

Gene

So this is what becomes of the miracle child Gene?

Paul

Hey Gene, we’re going to throw paint at the wall!  You want to?

GENE SIGHS

Gene

Why not?

EDIT

SCENE 51

Wes, Don

OPEN ON: AN ART STUDIO

Wes

When I throw the paint at the canvas, this allows me to produce yet another masterpiece.

Don

Wow.  This work closely resembles your earliest known throwing paint at the canvas paintings.

Wes

Yes.  It’s a symbolic statement that all great minds return to the root origin of their noblest concepts.

Don

And it resembles your middle period.

Wes

Indeed, one must try to find balance within the delicate ensemble of collected works.

Don

And it resembles your most recent work right before this one.

Wes

Much like a Ramones song catalog, even if there are striking similarities, it’s all great.

Don

You seem to have quite a lot of pride in your work.

Wes

I should.  There’s no one else who can do what I’ve done.

Don

What do you say to the critics who accuse you of being an imitator of Jackson Pollock?

Wes

I say: Go to hell!  I was the original, he’s the imposter. 

Don

Bold statement.

Wes

Look at my technique. It’s much more advanced than that hack’s.

Don

Harsh words.

Wes

You don’t compare McDonald’s to a French Bistro for a reason.

EDIT

SCENE 52

OPEN ON: FRENCH BISTRO

Jed, Francois, Claude, Tess

Jed

Claude and Francois!

Francois

Yes sir?

Jed

Instead of receiving wine, a guest has a Kool Aid Spritzer.

Claude

Oh.

Francois

How awful!

Jed

I only have two drink mixers.  Which of you did this?

Francois

Not me.

Claude

Not me.

Jed

So it comes down to this!  I shall have to fire both of you!

Claude

Your customers will go crazy when they have no mixed drinks!

Jed

I hardly think so.

Francois

Trust us.  Your business will crumble like floppy grapes.

Jed

No way!  Get out of here!

Claude

Very well.  A curse upon this bistro.

Francois

And a curse upon you!

CLAUDE AND FRANCOIS EXIT

Jed

I apologize for the mistake madam.  The staff members responsible for the error have been dismissed.

Tess

That’s bad news.  I don’t want to get anyone fired!

Jed

It’s the least we could do.

Tess

You know, I actually really liked that Kool Aid thingee.  I’ll take a few more pitchers of those!

Jed

But madam, we have the finest and most exotic wines…

Tess

I can get wine any day from Trader Joe’s.  Give me the Kool Aid cocktail.  Just like the one I had before!

Jed

But I’ve dismissed that staff member!

Tess

If you want to make me happy, get his ass back to work.  You know I am the food critic for USA Today!

JED MAKES A “WORRIED” FACE AND PUTS HIS FIST IN HIS MOUTH

Tess

Now get me Kool Aid drinks! 

Jed

Francois, Claude, hold on a second.

Francois

What is it?

Jed

I was too harsh.  Come back to work!

Francois

We don’t want this trauma of being fired again!

Jed

The woman actually loved your Kool Aid drink.

Claude

We have a way of knowing these things.

Francois

You do not give us enough credit.

Jed

Come back to work.

Francois

Double salary?

Jed

No way!

Claude

Then we walk!   We know you have the critic from the powerful USA Today in there, wanting our drink.

Francois

Your business will crumble without us!

JED SIGHS

Jed

Very well.  Double salary.

Francois

Oh and one more thing.  Ten weeks paid vacation.

Jed

This is ridiculous!

Claude

Quite common in France!

Francois

We deserve to be like our country men!

Jed

No way.

Claude

Then we walk!

Francois

And your restaurant will be destroyed like a bug!

Jed

Very well!  Just get in there and make those drinks!

Francois

Ce la vie, uh?

CLAUDE AND FRANCOIS EXIT

Jed

Now how can I have those two fools killed?

EDIT

SCENE 53

Joe, Todd

OPEN ON: A MORGUE

Joe

Jesus Todd, I’m not feeling like working at the morgue today.

Todd

I know Joe.  I wonder if I could do something better in life.

Joe

We do okay. 

Todd

I mean, you’ve seen one dead body, you’ve seen them all.

Joe

That’s not true.   I look at our corpses as snowflakes.

Todd

That’s really sick Joe.

Joe

No two surgical dressings on dead folks are exactly alike.

Todd

I guess that’s true.  But I don’t think it matters.

Joe

You must be joking!  We provide comfort to people who just watched their loved ones die!

Todd

But they’re still dead!

Joe

Well, yeah!  We’re in the funeral business, not the resurrection business.

EDIT

SCENE 54

Gene, Tyrone

OPEN ON: A RESURRECTION BUSINESS

Gene

I will now resuscitate this body!  Heal Tyrone Mears!

Tyrone

Whoa!  Damn, where am I?

Gene

You’re in Gene’s Resurrection Hut!  I’m Gene Fowler, healer and majority owner.

Tyrone

Wait, wait.  I died?

Gene

Yes, briefly.  You were playing bullet dodgeball.  Bad idea Tyrone.

Tyrone

Wow.  And you brought me back to life?

Gene

Yes.  But you must now do nothing but good.

Tyrone

Wait a minute.  What religion are you?

Gene

None.  I’m an independent resurrector and majority owner.

Tyrone

You sure seem proud of that majority owner thing.

Gene

It’s rare that resurrectors own their own businesses.  A lot of them get into traps from financial institutions with all the insurance and malpractice suits and so forth.

Tyrone

That’s wild.  Say, what’s this business about me doing good?

Gene

You must now save the lives of others since I saved you!

Tyrone

But how am I going to save lives?

Gene

Well, assuming you don’t have resurrection powers like I do, I’m not sure.  I suggest you start by watching the movie Pay It Forward and figure out how that kid did it.  After all, he was just a kid.

Tyrone

I don’t think I’ve seen that one.  Is that the one with that kid from Forest Gump?

Gene

Yes.

Tyrone

I heard it was awful.  But I guess I owe you one after that whole saving my life thing.

Gene

I merely want you to watch Pay it Forward, and spend the rest of your life saving lives.

Tyrone

Seems fair.

CUT TO: TYRONE JUST AFTER WATCHING PAY IT FORWARD

TYRONE SITS

Tyrone

Man, that movie sucked.  I think I’ll save lives by telling people to never watch that stupid assed bullshit!

EDIT

SCENE 55

Steve, Kurt, Mary

OPEN ON: A WEDDING CHAPEL

Steve

You people are in love?

Kurt

Love doesn’t always make sense Steve.  Some people exchange rings, other people exchange bodies.

Steve

I don’t know if I feel comfortable presiding over your wedding.

Mary

Oh don’t be silly.

Kurt

We’ll be exchanging rings, not bodies there.

Steve

But you guys don’t really ever kill others, do you?

Kurt

Do you want the answer that will keep you our wedding minister?

Steve

Yes, but I also want to know the truth.

Mary

The truth is that we only kill free range people.

EDIT

SCENE 56

Priest, Pat

OPEN ON: A CHURCH

Priest

And the Lord said to his people, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.”

Pat

You don’t really believe that do you?

Priest

Of course I do my son.  It’s in the Bible.

Pat

But the meek don’t inherit anything.   They barley inherit the trailer parks.   The rich own everything.

Priest

But the wealthy may lack the most important thing of all, eternal salvation.

Pat

Priest Dave, it’s a big risk to give up the only life we know we’ve got just for God.

Priest

But Jesus is the only one who promised eternal salvation!

Pat

No, there are actually a lot of guys who promised eternal salvation.  And they all say you have to do it their way. 

Priest

Jesus is the only one who died on a cross to forgive your sins.

Pat

But it was unnecessary.  If he was god, he makes the rules.  He could have said “Hey, you’re forgiven!”

EDIT

SCENE 57

Todd, Cindy

OPEN ON: CINDY’S APARTEMENT

Todd

I forgive you Cindy.

Cindy

I don’t think it’s a big deal that I ate the last Milky Way.

Todd

I wanted that Milky Way after I got home from work.

Cindy

You mean ska band practice?

Todd

It’s going to be work as soon as we get paid babe.

Cindy

I’ve heard that before.

Todd

Hey, I’m trying to live a dream, I get home and there’s no Milky Way!  That’s not cool!

Cindy

It was either candy or macaroni and cheese.  And you know I’m allergic to macaroni and cheese.

Todd

You have a very sensitive diet.

Cindy

I know.  I just tried to keep myself from being hungry.

Todd

I get it.  I just really wanted it.

Cindy

Walk two blocks and get another one.

Todd

I’m strapped for cash since Derek couldn’t pay me back.

Cindy

Typical.

Todd

If you give me some cash, I’ll pick another one up for you!

Cindy

You’re such a fool.  Are we going to live like this forever?

Todd

No way babe.  I guarantee you that we eventually die.

EDIT

SCENE 58

Jason, Mike

OPEN ON:  A NEWLY OPENED RESTAURANT

Jason

Hey Mike, please help me wash these dishes.

Mike

Sure thing Jason.  I love your new restaurant.

Jason

Yeah, I named it after my Mother.

Mike

I thought Mama Woo’s was an odd choice.

Jason

My Mom was the best.  I miss her dearly.

Mike

Oh, she’s gone?

Jason

Well, it depends on what you mean by gone.

Mike

I meant is she still alive?

Jason

Yes, and living quite well in Fort Lauderdale.

Mike

I suppose it’s as nice a spot as any.

Jason

True.  I was hoping to start Mama Woo’s with a buffet night.

Mike

You’re talking about the restaurant, not your Mom in Florida?

Jason

Of course.  Mama Woo doesn’t get her value at buffets anymore.

Mike

You mean the restaurant, right?

Jason

Assume I’m talking about Mama Woo’s the restaurant unless I specifically mention my mother.

Mike

Like if you said Mama’s Woo’s needs water.

Jason

No, that actually applies to both the restaurant and my Mother.

Mike

What if I were to say that Mama Woo’s supports gay marriage?

Jason

That would be doubly false.  Look, just assume I’ll never mention my Mother to you to avoid confusion.

Mike

But I thought you loved your mother!

EDIT

SCENE 59

Don, Tony

OPEN ON: ESPN

Don

Welcome to the top ten rock n’ roll sports moments.

Tony

I’m Tony Emmetts.

Don

And I’m Don Scott.

Tony

We’re filling in for Mike and Steve, who are on indefinite hiatus for that alleged underage drug incident.

Don

Wow, we’re not supposed to talk about that on air Tony.

Tony

Well Don, I just think our viewers have a right to know.

Don

Well Tony, I think we were given explicit instructions not to.

Tony

Well Don, it’s a shame we’re out live to the world.

Don

Well Tony, I think you’re going to get us both fired.

Tony

Well Don, at least I went out with integrity.

Don

Well Tony, I don’t think you’ll have much integrity when I’m punching your face in.

Tony

Well Don, I’d love to see you try.

Don

Well Tony, not on the air.  I don’t want to get sued for the two pots I have to piss in.

Tony

Well Don, I don’t think the repo men will want your pissy pots.

Don

Well Tony, I think we better plan on making a career out of the awful YouTube clip this going to make.

Tony

Well Don, that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day.

EDIT

SCENE 60

Ben, Cindy, Ben, Tom

OPEN ON: THE BEN CASEY SHOW

Ben

Welcome to The Ben Casey show.  I’m Ben Casey.  Joining us today will be Tim Westheim, Ayatollah Makmedhead and the Pope.  But first, here’s Cindy the weather girl with the weather update.

Cindy

Thanks Ben.  Right now there are some places where it’s warm.   And some other places are cold.  Back to you Ben.

Ben

That was vague!  Now here’s Tom with sports!

Tom

Thanks Ben!  Some games were played today.  There were as many losers as there were winners.  Oh, and a few matches where they allowed ties.  Catch you on the flip side Ben Ben!

Ben

And here’s Ken with the stock reports.

Ken

Everyone should know, some stocks did quite poorly, but a few actually did quite well.   Back to you Ben!

Ben

That was fun.  Joining me here live in the studio: Former LA Clipper great Tim Westheim.

Tim

Great to be here Ben.

Ben

Let’s get down to business.  What have you been up to since retiring from the NBA in 1978?

Tim

I was a grocery store manager for a while.  Then I worked in a retirement center to help pay my way for when I ended up there.

Ben

Ah, looks like we’re out of time.  I’d like to thank my guest, this guy, and my special special reporters. Apologies to Ayatollah and the Pope.

EDIT

SCENE 61

Chuck, Larry

OPEN ON: A SOCCER MATCH

CHUCK SPEAKS WITH A HIGHBROW BRITISH ACCENT

Chuck

Oh my word!  Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal 1 nil!

Larry

Hey Chuck, you don’t have to talk in that English accent.

Chuck

It’s part of the job.  I think my listeners respect me more than if I talk with my…

CHUCK SPEAKS WITH A SOUTHERN DRAWL

Chuck

Unintelligent Southern thang.

Larry

Maybe.  But maybe you’d have a unique niche.

Chuck

I don’t know of any other Southern soccer fans.

Larry

You are man.  They’ve got to exist.

Chuck

Maybe you’re right Larry.  I’ll give it a shot.

CHUCK SPEAKS ON AIR IN SOUTHERN ACCENT

Chuck

Aw Lordy, Wayne Rooney get that thar’ ball, and wing dings it real good.

Larry

Maybe a bit much.  Try it like 50%.

Chuck

All right.  Can do boss man.

CHUCK SPEAKS IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT

Chuck

Drogba gets the ball, and he intercepts it like a fisherman takes the bait.

Larry

No, you were right the first time.  And actually kick it up a few notches to 200%.

Chuck

You’ve got it boss.

CHUCK SPEAKS IN AN EVEN HEAVIER SOUTHERN DRAWL

Chuck

Dag blasted.  I done never seen no soccer playing queer kick somein’ like that!

EDIT

SCENE 62

Jan, Sven

OPEN ON: A SWEDISH GAY RIGHTS PANEL

Jan

We’re here to restore homosexual rights.

Sven

Thank you Jan.  We owe reparations to the gay people who were systematically repressed in Sweden.

Jan

An excellent point Sven, but it’s impossible to make up for the cruelties that were inflicted.

Sven

Surely we must make an effort.  That’s why I’m proposing that we ban heterosexual marriage in Sweden.

Jan

But Sven isn’t that just more bias and hatred?

Sven

No Jan, it’s justice.  It’ll show the rest of the world how absurd their prejudices are.

Jan

The Swedish people might revolt if we tried to pass those laws.

Sven

We Swedish don’t revolt!  We make quiet compromises with whoever’s in power!

Jan

But I think fighting prejudice with prejudice might not be the best plan of attack.

Sven

Jan, a radical problem requires a radical solution.  My plan is non-violent.  I’m like Gandhi.

Jan

I admire your enthusiasm, but can’t go along with your plan.

Sven

Well, maybe if we just started with banning unattractive heterosexual marriages….

EDIT

SCENE 63

Scott, Mike

OPEN ON: A MENTAL ASYLUM

Scott

I’m going to kill you!

Mike (politely)

I’d prefer if you didn’t.

Scott

God, you piss me off!  Always staying so calm!

Mike

I prefer to live that way.

Scott

And always using that word prefer.  I should chop your head off!

Mike

I’d very much like it if my head remained intact.

Scott

Can’t you break rules of etiquette if you’re being murdered?

Mike

Well, that’d be rather uncivilized.

Scott

Now you bring up that Right Guard commercial you were in again.

Mike

It was a proud moment in my illustrious career.

Scott

That career is about to come to an end!

Mike

I had a good run while it lasted.

Scott

I can’t do it.  I can’t kill a polite and civilized person.

Mike

If only the war torn nations knew to act like this.

EDIT

SCENE 64

Mark, Cory, Chet, Sparky

OPEN ON: A NEWS BROADCAST

Mark

I love that little surfing squirrel.  We’ll be back after the commercials with the weather.

Cory

Great job.

Mark

Another supposed news story about surfing squirrels?  I’m a journalist Cory!

Cory

Mark, we all know your credentials.  But this stuff brings in a certain kind of viewer.

Mark

But it’s not news!   It’s a puff piece that does nothing to inform the public about issues that matter.

Cory

Granted.  But it satiates the 35-60 female demographic who like to see animals do cute stuff.

Mark

We could be doing more to cover important economic, social, or cultural policies.

Cory

Yes.  But until you can find a way to get that to happen with cute animals, we’re out of luck.

CUT TO: THE NEXT DAY

Mark

I really like this piece.  It meets your challenge.

Cory

We’ll see.

CUT TO: THE PIECE

DOG IN A HULA SKIRT ENTERS

Mark

Sparky can dance.

SPARKY DOES A HULA DANCE

Mark

But Sparky can’t dance unless there’s funding for arts programs.

SPARKY FROWNS

Mark

Governor Bob Taft has destroyed the artistic dreams of many youngsters and pets in Ohio with his denial of grant money.  If you want to see kids and pets dancing again, call 555-8703.

Cory

What the hell was that?

Mark

It was combining a fluff piece with a broader social agenda.

Cory

You’re fired.

Mark

I didn’t see that coming.

EDIT

SCENE 65

Gary, Adam

OPEN ON: AN INSURANCE OFFICE

Adam

I tell you, I never saw that coming.

Gary

They don’t tell you about asteroid insurance in school Adam.

Adam

That asteroid wiped out everything I have.

Gary

It’s harsh.  The best thing to do is start all over again.

Adam

Gary, I know you’re trying to help.  But my family was crushed to death by a huge boulder yesterday.

Gary

And we appreciate you coming to work today.

Adam

That insurance isn’t going to sell itself.

Gary

Valid point.

Adam

And I need to rebuild my fortune if I’m ever going to have a place to live again.

Gary

No doubt.  I think you should go after the Johnson account.

Adam

That’s the dream.

Gary

You should use that whole death of the family with a boulder thing to sell more.

Adam

That sounds really crass.

Gary

But I bet it works.  In fact, I’ll do a test run.

GARY DIALS A PHONE

Gary

Hello Mr. Kruk, I just want to re-new your insurance policy.

Mr. Kruk

No way!  I’m in over my head now.

Gary

You do know that my best friend had his whole family crushed to death by a meteor last night?

Mr. Kruk

Oh my, that’s terrible.  Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

Gary

It sure does Mr. Kruk.

Mr. Kruk

Well okay, in light of your second hand tragedy, I’ll buy.

Gary

Excellent.  Good luck avoiding being crushed to death by asteroids sir.

Mr. Kruk

You too.  Thanks!  Take care.

GARY HANGS UP THE PHONE

Gary

See!  Imagine if you did it!  You actually lost everything.

Adam

Hmm…

Gary

Three years later

Gary

We’re going to make even more profits sir.  You have the Midas touch.  How do you do it?

Adam

Let’s just say with a little help from a giant meteor and an even bigger tragedy.

Gary

Oh right!

EDIT

SCENE 66

Cy, Ted

OPEN ON: A TALK SHOW

Cy

Ted, I don’t know how you keep up with all the media hype.

Ted

In the world of lawn bowling, you accept it.

Cy

It must be an amazing experience to win the World Ganta.

Ted

There’s no feeling like it in the world.  It takes …

CY WRITES WHILE TED TALKS

Ted

Excuse me, but are you even listening to what I was saying?

Cy

Oh yes, you were talking about lawn bowling and such.

Ted

Now look, I’m one of the biggest stars ever to play the game.  I’d appreciate some respect.

Cy

Certainly, but I had a thought I didn’t want to forget.

Ted

What could be so important that it couldn’t wait?

Cy

I forgot to pick up my kid from the homeless shelter hours ago.

EDIT

SCENE 67

Mary, Shifty Rick

OPEN ON: A HOMELESS SHELTER

Mary

I don’t know where my Dad could be Shifty Rick.  He hasn’t done this to me for at least a few weeks.

Shifty Rick

You know, even though I’m homeless Mary, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Shifty Rick.  Just Rick is fine.

Mary

Okay, but that’s what it says on your formal paperwork.

Shifty Rick

Yeah, that’s rather unfortunate that my parents named me that.  It’s like they wanted to curse me.

EDIT

Hank, Jane

CUT TO: A HOME WITH BAD PARENTS

Hank

I don’t really want kids Jane, but now that we have two, I guess I should try to be some sort of Father.

Jane

I don’t like our kids either.  Maybe if we treat them like shit, they’ll leave as soon as they can.

Hank

Agreed!

EDIT

SCENE 68

Tim, Brad

OPEN ON: A GOLF COURSE

Tim

Hey Brad, you need a lot of work on your putting game.

Brad

Well Tim, we can’t all be rich rock stars like you.

Tim

The rock thing is just so I can make money to play more golf!  That’s where the action really is.

Brad

You have endless groupies, cash, and women!

Tim

Ick, who wants that?  Chicks have diseases, groupies are morons, and cash just ensures that I get to be here, stroking the ball.

Brad

But the thrill of a huge audience must do something for you.

Tim

It’s got nothing on hitting a tee shot 300 yards right in the middle of the fairway on a par five.

EDIT

Sandy

You know Tim, you could have the nicest car in the world, and you choose to drive a Volvo?

Tim

Its safety record, reliability, and practicality are unrivaled.

EDIT

Al

Hey Tim, you could afford to live anywhere and aren’t limited to the trailer park you grew up in.

Tim

All those other places feel hallow.  Give me the gifts of 811 Deer Drive Lane baby!

EDIT

Jill

Tim, I actually think you would do much better if you gave up the 40 hour a week insurance gig.  You’re a rich rock star!

Tim

No way!  Insurance sales gets me golf tips, and keeps me structured so I can devote myself to playing golf on the weekends.  That’s real rock star living.

EDIT

SCENE 69

Rob, Don

OPEN ON: A DON RICKLES SHOW, PRE-SHOW

Rob

Welcome Don.  You’re a living legend.

Don

It’s good to be Don Rickles.

Rob

Well, you have done quite well financially this year.

Don

Thank you captain obvious. 

Rob

You never stop.

Don

Why don’t you get me something useful, like a glass of scotch?

Rob

Sure Mr. Rickles.  I happen to carry some with me at all times.

ROB PULLS OUT A FLASK

Don

What, you want me to drink straight after you?

Rob

Good hooch is good hooch.

Don

This isn’t the Dukes of Hazzard.  I want a proper glass, not some drag off alley back wash.

Rob

You’re in luck.  I carry a proper glass with me at all times.

Don

But your lips still touched the place you keep the booze.

Rob

Naw, I usually just dump it into my mouth.

Don

This is the most ridiculous conversation I’ve had in some time.

Rob

Why get a boring old scotch from a bar?

Don

Yeah, why go with sanitary standards when I could have some Uncle Willie’s bathtub whatever the hell.

EDIT

SCENE 70

Hank, Willie, Amy

OPEN ON: UNCLE WILLIE’S DISTILLERY

Hank

This is the best batch yet Uncle Willie.

Willie

Good enough for even the fanciest entertainers to sip, I reckon.

Amy

That’s a very specific market demographic.

Willie

You got to aim high in life.  That’s the only way to achieve your bathtub liquor dreams.

Amy

Wow.  I can’t believe your dreams all involve bathtub liquor.

Willie

Indeed they do.  Bathtub liquor has been quite good to me.

Hank

You are featured on the cover of Forbes this month.

Amy

And that new one they call Time magazine too.

Hank

You’ve done amazing things.  But I’m a little fearful about your plan to go with bathtub gourmet meals.

Willie

I ain’t afraid.

Amy

But do you think people want fine food made in a bathtub?

Willie

I do.  I think the finest flavors come from making things in bathtubs.  And I’ll prove it.

EDIT

SCENE 71

Tom, Ken, Pam, Sean

OPEN ON: UNCLE WILLIES BATHTUB EXPERIENCE

Tom

I never thought I’d eat at a place that bragged about bathtub food, but I admit this is delicious BBQ.

Ken

And my filet mignon is to die for!  I’m blown away.

Pam

I’ve had nothing but satisfied customers since opening.

Sean

I’ve tasted nothing but fine and delicious food.

Tom

The best cuisine I’ve ever had is the bathtub foie gras.

Ken

Everyone can find something tantalizing at Uncle Willie’s Bathtub experience.

Pam

Come on down.  We’ll make sure you get the fixin’s, or the gourmet experience to suit your tastes.

Sean

Uncle Willie’s Bathtub Experience, the tastiest treats ever to come out of a bathroom!

EDIT

SCENE 72

Cindy, Marc

OPEN ON: A CLUB BATHROOM

Cindy

I’m a little nervous about doing this in a club bathroom Marc.

Marc

This isn’t just a club bathroom Cindy.  It’s Club Dread.

Cindy

That was such a bad movie.  Why name a club after that film?

Marc

First of all, the guys in Broken Lizard are geniuses.

Cindy

That might be a little bit of an overstatement.

Marc

No way.  Second, that movie is hilarious.

Cindy

It’s no Supertroopers though.

Marc

True, but nothing is.  I’ve been dreaming of having a romance in this club since I was a boy.

Cindy

You dreamed about having sex in a club when you were a kid?  And this place opened last year!

Marc

You’re the only girl I’ll ever love Cindy.  Now be my dream girl and make it with me in the john!

Cindy

Well, okay.

EDIT

SCENE 73

Cindy, Dr.

OPEN ON: A PSYCHOLOGY SESSION

Cindy

And that moment in the Club Dread bathroom was when I hit rock bottom Dr. Kessler.

Dr.

Understood.  This is quite a breakthrough for you Cindy. 

Cindy

But I have a hard time believing any man could ever love me again after the shame of Club Dread.

Dr.

That might be true.

Cindy

Excuse me?

Dr.

That is a pretty whorish thing to do.

Cindy

Wait a minute.  I thought you were going to help boost my ego!

Dr.

Maybe in other ways, but I can’t condone such disgusting behaviors like total whoredom.

Cindy

Oh!  Dr. Kessler!  I thought you’d be the only one who might understand.

Dr.

I’m afraid not.  But, I’ll take you for more sessions if you want to talk more about your deserved shame.

EDIT

SCENE 74

Mike, Kurt, Honey

OPEN ON: KURT’S LIVING ROOM

Mike

I’m ashamed Kurt.  I’m ashamed of the way I acted at your party.

Kurt

You did crash through the poker table when we were mid-game.

Mike

But I was quite drunk.

Kurt

You smacked Tyler’s butt, making him even more socially awkward.

Mike

I think I thought he was a chick at the time.

Kurt

And we had to take you to the emergency room because you didn’t know where you lived.

Mike

Look, we all make mistakes.

Kurt

True, but yours all involve acting like a dick when you drink.

Mike

Granted.  But imagine what life would be like if I didn’t drink.

CUT TO: MIKE’S LIVING ROOM

Mike

Hello honey.  Would you please pass me a novel to read?

Honey

Why yes dear.  That sounds like a splendid way to spend your day off after church.

CUT TO: KURT’S LIVING ROOM

Mike

I shudder even thinking about it.

Kurt

That’s ridiculous.  You can keep doing the same stuff you do now, and just not drink.

Mike

That would ruin bar night, beer pong night, shots night, and my job as a high proof alcohol tester.

Kurt

Hmm.  Maybe you have a point.

Mike

I’m not giving up my life just because a few uptight moralists get upset if I accidentally barf on their kids. 

EDIT

SCENE 75

Chuck, Steve

OPEN ON: A DOG POUND

Chuck

Boy Steve, this is the part of the job I hate.

Steve

Chuck, you knew when you took the executioner job at the dog pound you’d have to put dogs down.

Chuck

But they don’t deserve this.  They could be adopted by someone!

Steve

You know the pound has a policy.  Any more than one hour, and the dogs must be taken out.

Chuck

That seems like such a short time.

Steve

I don’t make the rules Chuck.  I’m just one half of the committee that does.

Chuck

You should change this then!

Steve

I can’t call Oliver now.  He’s busy watching his stories.

Chuck

I think the lives of fifty-five dogs are more important than some stupid soap operas.

Steve

Oh man!  You better not say that in front of Oliver.

Chuck

He sentences dogs to die!  If he can handle that, I think he can handle an insult to a fictional TV program.

Steve

You don’t know him like I do.

Chuck

There must be a peaceful solution to our problem.

EDIT

SCENE 76

Ty, Jill

OPEN ON: A BUDDHIST TEMPLE

Ty

Welcome to the Buddhist temple.  I’m Ty.

Jill

Ty isn’t a very Buddhist sounding name.

Ty

I converted from Wicca.

Jill

That makes sense.

Ty

Please, feel free to join the meditation session, or go to the snack bar at any time.

Jill

Nice.  What kind of snacks do Buddhists have anyway?

Ty

Vegetarian delights: Fresh mangoes, juicy berries, freshly cut carrots, and skittles.

Jill

Wait, skittles don’t seem to fit with the rest.

Ty

You should try them.  They’re absolutely wonderful.

Jill

Yeah, but they’re hardly health food.

Ty

The Buddha allows experiencing ethical earthly delights.

Jill

I guess he was a fat guy.

Ty

We encourage you to study Buddha, but we think of him as much more than just a fat guy.

Jill

He’s no Chris Farley, I’ll tell you that.

Ty

Actually, in his time, Buddha was quite a comedian.

EDIT

SCENE 77

Buddha, Ken

OPEN ON: THE BUDDHA COMEDY HOUR

Buddha

Okay people.  What’s the deal with monasteries?  I mean, you’ve achieved nirvana, the extinguishment of the meaningless pursuit of suffering, and you still choose to sit around in those tacky orange saffron robes?  We need to build some production lines and have a few more choices than orange robes!  There’s a lot more we could be doing in the fashion industry people.

Ken

Oh Buddha, you crack me up.

Buddha

All right people; let’s hear it for my good friend Ken.  Ken traveled here all the way from Europe.  You ever notice how white people seem to be unfamiliar with the concept of worshipping me? 

Ken

Yeah, you tell em’ Buddha!

Buddha

I mean, I think I’m way easier to follow than Jesus.  I don’t tell anyone they’re going to hell if they piss me off.  My followers don’t kill people for land.  I’m not constantly watching you, judging you, threatening you with curses of spite if you disobey me.  I tell you, if those white folks ever hear about me, I think they’d have to pick me over Jesus.

EDIT

SCENE 78

John, Chaz

OPEN ON: A MOVIE SET

John

A brilliant ending!

Chaz

I know John.  This movie is finally ending.

John

Chaz, we had a good run on Dingo’s Won’t Eat My Baby.

Chaz

It’s one of the finest productions I’ve ever done.

John

It’s the finest I’ve ever done.

Chaz

At the end of the day, you just hope others feel as passionately about the work as you do.

John

Please!  I never expect anything from anyone.

Chaz

Really?  Why bother doing it then?

John

Because I get paid money to pretend to be someone else.

Chaz

I can’t believe you only act so well in parts like wacky Japanese man for money.

John

It’s true Chaz.

Chaz

I hope I can end my career better than that.

John

Good luck.  Good endings are hard.

EDIT