Sometimes I'm serious.

IF MLK WERE ALIVE TODAY

I am not happy today, but I have a feeling this will go down as the best dream speech in the history of our nation. 

Long ago, Lincoln sent thousands to kill their own countrymen, and signed a meaningless Emancipation Proclamation. This pointless decree gave no hope to millions of whipped and chained Negro slaves seared in the flames of withering injustice. 

The Negro still is not free.  There are way worse names we are called than Negro!  The Negro is broke, surrounded by evil, rich oppressors.  You know we live in shameful conditions.   BET is below degrading.  Our only respectable leaders have to act whiter than Barry Manilow to have any success.  Oh, and we’re still left to die by the thousands when something like Katrina hits. 

We've come to our nation's capital to cash a check.  And no, not a welfare check you smug racists! 

It is obvious America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."   America needs to be better than some shady bookie!  

We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt, despite painfully overwhelming evidence that it is. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.  We’ve seen the big houses that Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow have on Cribs. 

And so we've come to cash this check, a check for freedom and security of justice.  But if we can’t get that, at least hook us up with some reparations.  Everyone knows slavery was the worst thing ever!  Let my brothers and sisters see some cash!

This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism.  Unless we are talking about cooling off with a refreshing Iced Lipton Tea.  Lipton: The tea for great speakers like me!

Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.  Without the brutal treatment of women, Native Americans, Asians, Blacks, Latinos, Arabs, hillbilly whites, and anyone in the white man power club that had the courage to speak out against cruel racism.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment.  We have more kids who listen to Kanye West than our black cultural icons: Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Al Sharpton.  Hmm… actually that’s probably a good thing.  Too many of our leaders are corrupt charlatans, bullies, and frauds.  Kanye’s at least got mad beats and skills to match his misguided arrogance.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice.  Let me in the palace man!  I’m tired of talking to fools who don’t get my message in the streets.  Let a hero retire in style for God’s sakes.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.  Let’s go forward by looking back.  We need more sitcoms like back in the 70’s, like Sanford and Son, Good Times, or The Jeffersons.  The trash we have now is embarrassing. 

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities- if you’re an idiot!  Grow up!  There’s nothing but misery in any of those places for us.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”  Except for when we’re clearly way better.  Barack Obama or George W. Bush?  Obama is superior in every way, except maybe in monster truck races, barn dancing, or some mindless activity like that.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will hold a boxing match for control of the state.  We would destroy those bigots!   

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.  But I have no belief that will happen any time soon, so get out, fast. 

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.   Well, not that little devil Patrice, but you get my point. 

I have a dream today. 

I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.  And not in a disturbing Michael Jackson kind of way. 

I have a dream today.  

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of America, or even better, in the cities where black people actually live. 

Let freedom ring.  Find freedom by getting the AT and T free nights and weekends plan today!  When we let AT and T ring we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, AT and T is free at last!"