Sometimes I'm serious.
SIMPSONS HALLOWEEN SPEC SCRIPT
FINAL 11/18/09 Page 1
ACT ONE
“Judgment Day”
FADE IN:
INT. FLANDERS BEDROOM SCENE 1
Flanders KNEELS and PRAYS.
FLANDERS
Dear Lord, forgive them for their evil
Hallo weenie sins.
Flanders LOOKS out of a widow to The Simpsons party.
LENNY (holding a beer)
Beer is God! To God!
CARL
To God!
Lenny and Carl CHUG beers. Lisa MEDITATES under a tree.
LISA
Calm meditation.
Lisa is STRUCK in the head by a dart and is visibly pained.
LISA
Calm meditation!
A woman in a sexy nun outfit WALKS by Cletus and Brandine.
CLETUS
Sweet Jesus!
BRANDINE
Holy God dang.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 2
DR. HIBBERT
I love Sunday!
DR. NICK
I know. Nothing to remember but PARTY!
MARGE
Bart, have some decency!
Bart RUNS by naked.
BART
No!
FAT TONY
You don’t like my special frosted
Halloween cookies?
ANTONIO
Not my cup of tea Fat Tony.
Fat Tony looks hurt. Fat Tony swiftly changes to an angry facial expression. Fat Tony SNAPS his fingers and NODS at Antonio. Antonio is SHOT.
LURLEEN
Too bad you’re already married.
CLAUDE
Forget that.
Claude REMOVES his wedding and HURLS it away. Lurleen and Claude MAKE OUT.
FINAL 11/18/09 Page 3
SNAKE
Whoa, look over there!
RICH TEXAN
I don’t see anything particularly special
over there.
Snake STEALS the Rich Texan’s Ten Gallon hat.
SNAKE
Yoink!
RICH TEXAN
Hey!
CHIEF WIGGUM
We’ve had several complaints about this
social gathering.
LOU
Are you the one hosting this shindig?
HOMER
No officers. This incredibly awesome
party is sponsored by Ned Flanders.
Smithers and Julio STARE at Flanders gazebo.
JULIO
Oh my! I so want that gazebo!
SMITHERS
Ditto.
FINAL 11/18/09 Page 4
FLANDERS
Oh my Lanta! They’ve broken all 10
commandments
GOD (DEEP BOOMING VOICE)
ALL 10! NOOO!
A giant lightning bolt EVAPORATES The Flanders and Simpsons houses. Flanders and the partiers APPEAR on a sky cloud.
GENERIC AUTOMATED VOICE
Welcome to the afterlife. You’re now at
our incoming eternal judgment depot.
Please hold, one of our representatives
will be with you shortly. Thank you.
“HEAVEN” BY TALKING HEADS PLAYS.
DAVID BYRNE
Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens
The partiers appear nervous.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 5
INT. OFFICE CUBICLE SCENE 2
Gary is a middle aged man dressed like a typical office worker.
GARY
Hello Simpsons. I’m Gary. I’ll be
judging your claim.
BART
You?
GARY
Yeah. God never does this personally.
He’s rather busy this time of the year.
MARGE
Fair enough.
LISA (skeptical)
What?
BART
I see.
HOMER
Makes sense.
LISA
But we’re all here together.
GARY
Right. Families are a package deal.
FINAL 11/18/09 Page 6
HOMER, BART
Yes!
Homer and Bart SLAP hands in a high-five.
MARGE, LISA
Oh no!
Marge and Lisa exchange worried glances.
GARY
Yeah, we get that a lot from gals. Have
a seat. I’m on the fence…
MARGE
Please Gary, we know we’ve made mistakes.
HOMER
Marge! She meant to say we all love the
one true God.
GARY
Really? Which one Homer?
HOMER
Oh, Um, you know, the one you work for
who loves all, gives gifts, and so on.
Gary SIGHS.
GARY
Despite your many faults,
Gary POINTS at Homer.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 7
GARY
And your many faults,
Gary POINTS at Bart.
GARY
I can’t leave you ladies out of the gold
club.
MARGE
Oh thank heavens!
GARY
But you have to promise to look after
these two.
LISA
I thought this was going to be heaven.
MARGE
We’ll do it! Thank you Gary.
GARY
No problem. Congratulations! Here’s
your passes and a free bag of peanuts.
HOMER
Wow! This really is heaven!
GARY
Yes, now hurry along. I’ve got 5000 more appointments before lunch. Next!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 8
EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN SCENE 3
MARGE
Hello. Simpsons, party of five.
PETE
Ah, The Simpsons. Enjoy eternal bliss!
A puff of white smoke WHISPS The Simpsons to a golden mansion. A booming voice SPEAKS.
GOD
Well done Simpsons. This is heaven.
Feel free to do anything you want.
BART
Anything?
GOD
Anything. That’s why it’s heaven!
HOMER
Wow. You heard the mystery thing!
Heaven turns into a Halloween party much like The Simpsons last Earth party.
LENNY, CARL
Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!
Lisa quietly MEDITATES under a Bodhi tree.
LISA
Calm meditation.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 9
A dart FLIES towards Lisa’s head, but it is INCINERATED before it hits her.
LISA (tranquil)
Calm meditation.
A woman in a sexy nun outfit WALKS by Cletus and Brandine.
CLETUS
Sweet Jesus!
BRANDINE
Holy God dang!
DR. HIBBERT
I love Sunday in heaven!
DR. NICK
I know. Nothing to remember but PARTY!
Bart RUNS by naked.
MARGE
Bart, have some decency!
BART
No need to up here!
MARGE
Good point!
Marge TAKES OFF her necklace.
MARGE
Viva afterlife!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 10
FAT TONY
You don’t like my special frosted
Halloween cookies?
ANTONIO
Actually, they taste great!
Fat Tony SMILES. Fat Tony SNAPS his fingers, and NODS at Antonio.
Antonio is MASSAGED by several mobsters.
ANTONIO
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.
FAT TONY
Enjoy my friend.
LURLEEN
Too bad you’re already married.
CLAUDE
Forget that, it doesn’t matter up here.
Claude REMOVES his wedding ring and HURLS it away. Lurleen and Claude MAKE OUT.
SNAKE
Whoa, look over there!
RICH TEXAN
I don’t see anything particularly special
over there.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 11
Snake STEALS The Rich Texan’s 10 Gallon Hat.
SNAKE
Yoink!
RICH TEXAN
Hey! Guess I’ll get me another one.
A 10 Gallon Hat APPEARS on Rich Texan’s head.
SNAKE
Bravo!
RICH TEXAN
Great taste in attire friend!
CHIEF WIGGUM
We’ve had several compliments about this
social gathering.
LOU
Are you the one hosting this shindig?
HOMER
No officers. This incredibly awesome
party is sponsored by The Big Guy!
Smithers and Julio are STARING at Flanders gazebo.
JULIO
Oh my! I so want that gazebo!
SMITHERS
Ditto.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 12 JULIO
Let’s go take it.
SMITHERS
Okay.
FLANDERS
I guess I should be happy I made it onto
your super team Lord. But why have all
the rules if everyone gets in anyway?
GOD
Lighten up Ned. It’s heaven! Do what
you love best!
FLANDERS
All right Lord-a-rino. I will. Lord,
help those who don’t obey you. Let them
see the light. Amen.
Flanders BREATHES a sigh of comfort.
FLANDERS
Oh yeah!
END OF ACT ONE
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 13
ACT TWO
“Sweet Death”
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM SCENE 4
HOMER
Ah, no better way to spend Halloween
than eating the candy of others.
CUT TO: BAGS LABELED ROD FLANDERS AND TODD FLANDERS
HOMER
Hee hee!
GHOST HOMER
Woo! Woo!
HOMER
That sounds weird. Must be the furnace
or something.
GHOST HOMER
(Louder) WOO!
HOMER
Can’t talk. Eating.
GHOST HOMER
Woo, Homer, it is me.
Ghost Homer, aged 18, APPEARS out of a shadow. Homer IGNORES his ghost and EATS candy.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 14
GHOST HOMER
I’m your ghost of Halloween past!
Homer continues EATING.
GHOST HOMER
Fine.
Ghost Homer WAVES his hand and all candy DISAPPEARS.
HOMER
Hey, I earned that candy!
GHOST HOMER
Homer, I’m here for a reason!
HOMER
There’d better be candy involved!
GHOST HOMER
Oh there’s candy involved all right.
Plenty of candy.
HOMER
Well good. Let’s talk.
GHOST HOMER
Homer, I’m here to save you.
HOMER
Finally.
GHOST HOMER
Quit eating candy or you’ll die.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 15
HOMER
Wait a minute. I’m going to do that
anyway.
GHOST HOMER
Valid point. Homer, if you don’t stop
eating candy you’ll die soon!
HOMER
How soon?
GHOST HOMER
Tonight.
Homer GASPS.
HOMER
But I’m in perfect shape. That jerk
Flanders must be poisoning his kids.
GHOST HOMER
No Homer, it comes from your lifetime
of excessive sugar consumption.
HOMER
That doesn’t sound like me.
GHOST HOMER
Think back to how it began.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF HOMER AT HOME, AT AGE 10
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 16
INT. HOMER’S CHILDHOOD HOME SCENE 5
YOUNG MOE
Come on Homer. Have a little chocolate.
YOUNG HOMER
No thanks. I prefer fresh cut parsnips.
YOUNG MOE
Gross. Live a little Homer.
YOUNG HOMER
Fine. If it’ll get you off my back.
Homer TASTES the chocolate.
YOUNG HOMER
Wow!
YOUNG HOMER
Told you it’s goo…
Young Homer SHOVES Young Moe out of a window.
YOUNG MOE
Ah!
Young Homer DEVOURS candy.
HOMER
Yep, that was one of the greatest days
of my life.
GHOST HOMER
No, it led to your self-destruction.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 17
HOMER
But I’ve helped people with candy.
GHOST HOMER
When?
HOMER
One time, I gave Marge chocolates.
GHOST HOMER
You ate them, gave her an empty box,
and made her cry on her birthday.
HOMER
Oh yeah.
GHOST HOMER
Look Homer. We can solve this by going
back and warning young Homer.
HOMER
But I was going to watch Washed Up
Celebrity Island!
GHOST HOMER
Homer!
HOMER
All right. Take me to the stupid past.
GHOST HOMER
Just close your eyes.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 18
Homer CLOSES his eyes.
HOMER
I don’t see what this will do but…
GHOST HOMER
Homer, you can open your eyes now.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 19
INT. HOMER’S CHILDHOOD HOME SCENE 6
YOUNG MOE
Come on Homer!
YOUNG HOMER
No thank you.
GHOST HOMER
You have to take the candy away from
young Homer!
HOMER
Ugh, I guess I have to do EVERYTHING to
save my own life.
Young Homer
Fine, if it’ll get you off my back.
Homer APPEARS.
HOMER
No! Don’t eat it.
YOUNG HOMER
Who are you?
HOMER
I’m you. I’m Homer Simpson of the
future.
YOUNG MOE
Oh Homer, you’re going to look terrible.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 20
HOMER
Shut up Moe. Fuure Moe is worse than me.
YOUNG MOE
No! Guess I better get used to being a
loser.
Young Moe PULLS OUT a flask and DRINKS.
HOMER
Homer, I won’t lie. Candy is wonderful.
YOUNG HOMER
Wow. Guess I’ll try it then.
Young Homer DEVOURS candy.
HOMER
Hmm. Can’t beat him, better join him.
Homer DEVOURS candy.
GHOST HOMER
Oh for God’s sakes.
Ghost Homer STRIKES Homer with a club. Homer PASSES OUT.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 21
INT. SIMPSON’S LIVING ROOM SCENE 7
Homer WAKES UP on the floor
GHOST HOMER
That was a total disaster!
HOMER
Yeah, you just can’t control kids.
Ghost Homer GROANS.
GHOST HOMER
Homer, despite your ineptness, I’m still
going to save you.
HOMER
Well, it’s about time.
GHOST HOMER
I was hoping you’d be willing to change.
HOMER
We’re not doing that. Less talk, more
saving.
GHOST HOMER
Homer, I have medicine from the future.
HOMER
I thought you were from the past.
GHOST HOMER
I’m a time traveling ghost.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 22
HOMER
Oh, sorry.
GHOST HOMER
All you need to do is take one of these
pills to save your life.
Ghost Homer HANDS Homer a tube labeled “Homer Pill.”
HOMER
Thanks.
Ghost Homer
One pill.
HOMER
Take a pill, got it.
GHOST HOMER
Take it now.
HOMER
First, give me my candy back.
GHOST HOMER
Homer, this is your life we’re talking
about.
Homer CLENCHES his fist.
HOMER
And this is you’re life we’re talking
about if you don’t give me my candy!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 23
GHOST HOMER
Homer, you can’t hit a ghost.
HOMER
Watch me!
Homer SWINGS at Ghost Homer to no effect.
GHOST HOMER
Told you.
Homer SWINGS until he COLLAPSES. Homer DIES.
GHOST HOMER
At the peak of his maturity, I thought he
might listen. Oh well.
Ghost Homer WALKS through a wall.
Second Ghost Homer, aged 37, APPEARS from Homer’s body and LOOKS down at his corpse.
SECOND GHOST HOMER
Oh! If only I could have warned me about
ghost me!
END OF ACT TWO
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 24
ACT THREE
“The Latest American Hero”
INT. KWIK-E-MART SCENE 8
Skinner and Edna EXIT the Kwik-E-Mart DRESSED as Beavis and Butthead.
APU
Thank you. Come again.
The Flying Saucer of Kang and Kodos HOVERS above Kwik-E-Mart.
KANG
The time has come to take over the world
Kodos!
Kodos
Let us start with this convenience
distribution center.
The flying saucer tries to PARALLEL PARK into a large open space but does not fit. The saucer FLYS over to the handicapped section and CRUSHES a car.
KANG
It begins Kodos.
Kang and Kodos ENTER the Kwik-E-Mart
APU
Oh, such extravagant Halloween costumes.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 25
KODOS
Earth dweller, we demand you turn over
your convenience assets at once.
APU
So convincing sir. For this, I’ll give
you a half-priced Peppermint Squishee.
KANG
Your insubordination leaves us no
alternative.
Kodos VAPORIZES Apu with a ray gun. Kodos SHAPESHIFTS and becomes Apu.
KANG
Well done Kodos. What shall I pose as to
fulfill our mission?
KODOS
You should look like one of them.
Kodos PICKS UP a magazine with Brad Pitt on the cover.
KANG
This will suffice.
Kang SHAPESHIFTS into Brad Pitt.
KODOS
Now we shall pose as Earth dwellers.
Otto ENTERS the Kwik-E-Mart.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 26
OTTO
Hey, Apu man.
KODOS
Hello, familiar Earth dweller.
OTTO
Sounds like you’ve been hitting the good
stuff Apu.
KANG
I encourage you to cooperate to give us information.
OTTO
Whoa. You look like that famous dude in
that famous movie.
KANG
Yes, it is I, famous dude.
OTTO
I’m going to call Channel 6. They should
give me at least a few bucks for this.
KODOS
Channel 6?
Otto DIALS on a cell phone.
OTTO
Hey Channel 6! This is Otto.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 27
CHANNEL SIX GUY
Hello Mr. Otto.
Otto
You better get here quick, there’s a famous dude at Kwik-E-Mart.
CHANNEL SIX GUY
How famous?
OTTO
He’s the guy from that one movie where
he opens the box and finds a head.
CHANNEL SIX GUY
International sensation Brad Pitt from
the movie Seven? Let’s roll!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 28
INT. KWIK-E-MART SCENE 9
KENT
Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, live at the
Kwik-E-Mart with breaking news: an
exclusive interview with Hollywood
mega-star Brad Pitt!
KANG
I understand this media segment is being broadcast across your planet.
KENT
I hope so Mr. Pitt. Tell us, what brings
you to Springfield on Halloween?
KANG
With my partner, Kodos, I mean Apu, I
shall conquer Earth.
KENT
Wow, working with an unknown indie
director in Springfield!
KODOS
We want to meet your ruling overlord!
KENT
Come on Apu, we’ll talk later. Mr. Pitt,
what is your new project called?
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 29
KANG
Apu is right. I want a meeting with
your overlord!
KENT
You mean President Obama?
KANG
President Obama?
KENT
Yes, the leader of this great nation.
KODOS
Can you deliver us this President Obama?
KENT
Maybe if you say something shocking.
KANG
Shocking? Very well. President Obama,
if you do not meet with us in one hour,
we shall incinerate Springfield!
Kodos INCINERATES a building across the street.
KENT
Oh my God! You’ve heard it first on the
Channel 6 exclusive! Save us Obama!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 30
INT. WHITE HOUSE SCENE 10
JOE BIDEN (dressed as a ballerina)
Sir, we’ve gotten our first Code
Hyper-yellow.
OBAMA (dressed in a Prince outfit)
That’s a stupid Republican thing. I
don’t know what that means.
ZACK (dressed as a KGB agent)
Some foreign terrorist and a Hollywood
actor have joined forces against America.
PAT (dressed as an astronaut)
We have one hour to act until Springfield
is destroyed!
OBAMA
An American city? Not on my watch.
Obama solemnly LOOKS at an American flag.
OBAMA
I knew this job would require courage in
the face of danger.
Obama RIPS OFF the top of his purple Prince suit and EXPOSES his toned, muscular physique.
OBAMA
Let’s roll!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 31
INT. KWIK-E-MART SCENE 11
Kang CHEWS on a piece of beef jerky.
KANG
This processed animal stick flesh product
isn’t bad.
KODOS
Noted. It appears we have company.
Obama and several CIA agents CRASH through glass windows while HOLDING large machine guns.
OBAMA
We’ve got you now! Surrender!
KANG
You are President Obama?
OBAMA
Yes.
Kang EVAPORATES all the CIA agents with a ray gun.
OBAMA
Maybe we should talk.
KANG
Soon we will rule the world!
OBAMA
This isn’t good. Well, might as well
forget my promise to quit smoking.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 32
Obama LIGHTS a cigarette.
KODOS
Toxic smoke? How could he have known?
Kang and Kodos SPRINT out of Kwik-E-Mart, BOARD their flying saucer, and FLY into outer space.
CROWD
Yeah! USA!
USA!
Obama EXITS Kwik-E-Mart.
OBAMA
Springfield and America are safe again.
LENNY
Thanks for saving us Obama.
CARL
We like being alive.
BARNEY
You’re our savior!
Barney HOLDS a sign reading Obama 3:16!
SKINNER
Now while you’re at it, we’ve got a few
other troubles.
OBAMA
I’m always here to help.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 33
SMITHERS
Let gay people marry!
CLETUS
Lower my taxes!
MAYOR QUIMBY
Do something about the economy.
OTTO
End the wars.
SNAKE
Let my kids pray in school!
COMIC BOOK GUY
Help starving children!
OBAMA
I have a solution to all of that, and
more. Happy Halloween!
Obama’s staff THROW candy from Kwik-E-Mart to onlookers.
REV. LOVEJOY
What about the Kwik-E-Mart?
OBAMA
Relax. I can bail anyone out.
REV. LOVEJOY
Really? You sound a lot like my boss.
Gina of the Presba- Lutheran council.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 34
OBAMA
Good to know.
SKINNER
What should we do Mr.President?
OBAMA
First, let’s pay our respects to the lives that were lost.
The crowd remains silent.
REV. LOVEJOY
Perhaps I should say…
OBAMA
No need. It’s Halloween. Let’s party!
Obama SNAPS his fingers. An aide PLAYS “THRILLER” BY MICHAEL JACKSON on a large boom box.
MOE
Now this is a Halloween to remember!
OBAMA
Happy Halloween America!
Obama MOONWALKS across the sidewalk.
Fade out:
THE END
