Sometimes I'm serious.

DEATH CAN BE HILARIOUS!

I realize that this book concept and some of the specific content will offend certain people. So be it. I’d rather joke about the end of life than automatically treat it with some type of illogical spooky reverence. I realize many people do not share my opinions about many things. So be it.

Death is almost always awful. Since death is almost certainly inevitable, maybe you should take some time in life to laugh at death before it laughs at you?

Happy day,

Mike Nesteruk

REJECTED TITLES FOR THIS BOOK

FUNNY DEATH

IF YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, MIGHT AS WELL LAUGH

I’M JUST DYING TO DIE

DEATH WASN’T KIND TO ME

A FUNNY LOOK AT DEATH

WACKY DEATH

NO MORE WORRIES ABOUT LIFE

DEATH IS FUNNY

DEATH WAS A BITCH

LAUGH ABOUT YOUR INEVITABLE DEATH

I BET YOU DIE SOMEDAY

LET YOUR LOVED ONES BEAT YOU TO THE GRAVE

DEATH IS A LAUGHING MATTER TO SICK FUCKS LIKE ME (AND MAYBE YOU TOO)

DEATH IS TOO FUNNY

DEATH IS TOO PERMANENT, BUT STILL FUNNY

DEATH RUINED MY DINNER DATE

DEATH FUCKED UP MY PLANS

I THINK MY GRAVE DIGGER KILLED ME OFF SO HE COULD LEAVE WORK EARLY

WHO SAID THE DEAD DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

DEAD FOR A FEW WEEKS

I DON’T SEE THE PEARLY GATES OR SPARKY

I DIED FOR THIS?

LAUGH AT AWFUL AND HORRIBLE DEATH

DEATH IS AS MUCH OF A JOKE AS LIFE

Death Humor

Complaining isn’t smart in certain contexts. Don’t bitch about an itch at a funeral.

Life is a game. We all eventually lose BADLY.

Death is a part of life like sophistication is a part of county fairs.

Death is a part of life like Leave it to Beaver is a part of Shakespeare.

Quit doing nothing. You’ll have plenty of time for that after death.

Graveyards are a waste of space on people who fail to appreciate them.

Don’t die forgotten: Make sure you take a news anchor out with you.

Challenging the wisdom of ancient ideas is wise, since all ancient people died.

Death is inevitable, but it almost always surprises lots of people when rock stars die young. Why? If you take a bunch of insane risks, do a lot of drugs, and live wildly, the odds of dying early are high. If you wave your middle finger at the universe enough times, you’re bound to lose eventually.

Many people believe they’ll be remembered after death when they’re barely thought about now.

Spending time with certain people may be worse than eternal death.

Look at the bright side: You might get a nicer tombstone than losers.

Love life like a wife, but know that it has even higher odds of leaving you.

Death isn’t often funny, but what about a dog that gets hit by a PETA van?

I was morose until people I hated died.

If I'm not careful I'll die before others think I'm overrated.

MY SCORECARD

PAST- NOT ALIVE YET, THEN SURVIVED

PRESENT- ALIVE

FUTURE- NOT HERE YET, BUT IT WILL END UP KILLING ME

I’ll never be the same after Jason died. He still has my Seinfeld DVD's. Damn, what a loss!

We're all victims of the cruel universe. Some manage to postpone execution.

I will try not to die too soon. I want to get my permanent non-existence just right!

I plan to die, but it's a shit plan.

If I'm careful, I'll die. If I'm not careful, I'll die. You get my point?

I tried to make the best of a horrible situation: Being born mortal.

My only plan for life is trying not to die.

I'm not sure what the age is when death is better than life, but I’m approaching it too fast.

My ancestors were losers. That's why they're all dead.

How cruel to reward one who commits suicide with an afterlife!

I don't have to deal with anything too difficult, except survival.

I am just another pathetic mortal failing to stay alive as well and as long as I'd like.

Why do I allow myself to get nervous about anything considering how short my life is and how long I'm going to be dead?

I tried to find where I belonged. I found that the universe is merely a rather temporary layaway bin.

I’m destined to die no matter what I do. Maybe I shouldn't take a job performance review seriously?

In the short-term, I'm good unless I do something that leads to instant death. In the long-term, I'm completely fucked forever no matter what I do. Which one do you think I should focus on?

The wages of life are ultimately pain and death. Youth can be a nice layaway plan.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but it appears likely that I will have a lot of suffering, brief moments of joy, and eternal death.

I'd be more hopeful if I didn't believe we all end up dead.

I only support lost causes. I don't have a choice as a member of a mortal species.

HUMANITY: We're all equally clueless and make various degrees of poor choices before dying forever no matter what we choose.

I might die without fulfilling my most unrealistic dreams.

FUNNY TOMBSTONES

BORN, STRUGGLED TO STAY ALIVE, DIDN'T

I'd rather live in a universe that isn't a universal killer.

I tried not to die. Why? I had no shot. Now I rot.

Born free. Brainwashed in absurd education system. Pretended to work hard for money. Mostly failed to get laid. Died.

Born free. Died oppressed.

Born free. Died cheap.

Born free. Died broke.

I DIED: OH FUCKING WELL

LIFE IS A JOKE THAT DIES TOO FAST

DRUGS DIDN'T KILL ME, LIVING TOO LONG DID

LIFE IS A BAD HABIT WORTH GIVING UP

LIFE IS A LIMITED TIME ONLY GIFT

HOCKEY PLAYER CALLED OFF THE ICE

Going out at the top is WAY overrated.

DEATH: NOT DR. RECOMMENDED

I DIED BEFORE SCIENCE GOT GOOD ENOUGH

I DIED LESS POPULAR THAN JESUS, BUT MORE POPULAR THAN GRANT LUBBE

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR DESTINY...

FREE CHOICE: DIE ENTIRELY FORGOTTEN OR MOSTLY UNKNOWN?

I MOUTHED OFF ONCE TOO MUCH

TIME ISN'T ON THE SIDE OF ANYONE

TRUE OR FALSE? BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY FOR THE CRIME OF QUESTIONING GOD?

MAN HOPES INEVITABLE DEATH CAN WAIT UNTIL AFTER WEEKEND DINNER PARTY

I don't want to lie. I don't want to die. I think I'll die. No lie.

DEAD. NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

NOT ALIVE UNTIL BLANK. LIVED FOR A BIT. FOREVER DEAD NOW.

I SHOULD HAVE WORKED WAY, WAY, WAY LESS

IF ONLY DOCTORS KNEW MORE THAN ME

SCIENCE IS SHIT TOO

PRAYER AND SCIENCE FAILED ME

GOD GAVE UP ON ME ON FILL IN THE DATE

TERMINATED!

BACK TO NOTHING

LESS AMUSING NOW

INSURANCE PLAN WASN'T HELPFUL

NO INSURANCE IS EVEN WORSE THAN BAD INSURANCE

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SNAKE HANDLING DIDN'T WORK

END SCENE

I HAD A LOVE/HATE THING GOING ON WITH THE UNIVERSE

IS LIFE A TEMPORARY GIFT OR BRIEF CURSE?

DEATH ISN'T GROOVY.

LIVED FROM BLANK TO BLANK. TOLERATED A BULLSHIT JOB FROM BLANK TO BLANK. EXPIRED BLANK.

EXTREME DIETS ARE EXTREMELY STUPID

I SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME IN THE OFFICE, AS IT WOULD HAVE EARNED ME MORE MONEY FOR BETTER THAN SHIT MEDICINE

I didn't want to die. I was overruled.

I'D RATHER GET OLD THAN DIE, BUT WHAT A SHITTY GOLD MEDAL

TO AVOID A DULL LIFE DIE YOUNG

MY PLAN WAS TO STAY ALIVE. DIDN'T WORK.

I REGRET ALMOST EVERYTHING.

AT LEAST I WATCHED A LOT OF TV.

MIKE DIED. DON'T CRY. HE HAD TO DIE.

DEATH:

Optimist- At least I'm not dead yet.

Realist- I'm going to die soon.

Pessimist- Life is suffering. Death is worse.

Final words of advice: If you to cheat anything, cheat death. You’ll probably die trying.

CAN'T BELIEVE GOD TOOK ME BEFORE MY BITCH EX-WIFE

DEATH WASN'T AS BAD AS TAX SEASON

DAMN, NO MORE CHEETOS

HOPE SATAN HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR AS GOOD AS GOD'S

REMEMBERED AS A GREAT WHORE

DIED AS I LIVED:IN AGONY

MY TOMBSTONE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS

BORN 1945, HOPE DIED 1963, FORMALLY BURIED 2010

I COULDN'T QUITE DO ANYTHING I WANTED MA

GOD FAILED TO SAVE ME

JESUS ENDED THE JOKE BY BITING ME IN THE ASS

DEATH GETS EVERYONE BUT REALLY KICKED MY ASS

BORN CLUELESS, DIED ONLY A BIT BETTER

LIVED EVERY DAY LIKE IT WAS HIS LAST FOR ONE CRAZY WEEKEND, THEN LIVED A TYPICAL DULL LIFE

MY SECRET HUMMUS RECIPE DIES WITH ME!

WROTE SHITTY TOMBSTONE EPITAPHS

FINALLY DONE FAILING

I HOPE YOU WERE SERVED BUFFET FOOD FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

WISH I'D BEEN EVEN MORE SELFISH

WANTED A UNIQUE GRAVE. GOT LAZY AND QUIT.

DEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMEN, WINE, AND SONG

MAYBE YOU'D GIVE A SHIT IF HE WASN'T SO LAZY

NO GRIEF TESS! GO GET SOME NEW DICK!

TACKY MESSAGE REMOVED BY MORALISTIC FAMILY

MAY HE BE A ZOMBIE AND EAT THE FINEST BRAINS

SEE THE END RESULT OF PRAYER?

TOO POOR TO BE WORTH GRAVE ROBBING

MY FINAL WORDS LACKED WIT OR CHARM

WHO'S LAUGHING ABOUT HIS MORBID OBSESSION WITH DEATH NOW?

ALL'S WELL THAT END'S WELL IS A STUPID THING TO SAY IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE DIES

MAN HAS A TERRIBLE RECORD IN MAN VS. NATURE

PLEASE MAKE SURE I'M REALLY DEAD

BORN 7 POUNDS AND 4 OUNCES. EVENTUALLY TOOK OFF THE WEIGHT!

I HAVE AN OUTSIDE CHANCE OF BEING MISSED

DIED EVEN WORSE THAN HIS LAME JOKES

DEATH IS A BITCH I CAN'T DIVORCE

GOODBYE MA AND THAT HOT LITTLE BLONDE SLUT I BANGED

SORRY I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABOUT MY VALUABLE BURIED TREASURE

I'm DEAD serious about tombstone upkeep!

DAMN, WISH I'D TAKEN HARP LESSONS

EVEN UGLIER AFTER DEATH

YOU BETTER NOT TAKE MY GOLF CLUBS CARL!

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF LIFE NOT BEING PRECIOUS

YEARS OF STRUGGLE AND PAIN JUST FOR THIS?

NOT PULLING A TOM SAWYER. SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

NOW YOU CAN PUT UP THAT UGLY ASSED WALL PAPER MARTHA

LIFE DIDN'T RENEW MY CONTRACT

NOW THAT I'M DEAD FEEL FREE TO EXPLOIT MY GOOD NAME WITH WITH LIES FOR SALES

I BLAME HALF-ASSED MEDICS

BORN DUE TO IRRESPONSIBLE FUCKING. HOPEFULLY DIED THE SAME WAY.

I'M NOT FASTER THAN THAT BUS.

NOT SURE IF I HELD MY BREATH FOR THREE MINUTES OR NOT FRED.

SMOKING KILLED ME. BETTER THAN SOME SILLY "NATURAL CAUSE"

VEGANS STILL DIE

RIP HUMANS. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR EVERYONE.

I THINK, THEREFORE I STILL ENDED UP FUCKING DEAD.

GIVE MY ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND MY BONES TO WHOEVER GETS KFC'S

SHOW THIS GRAVESTONE ON CHANNEL 6 NEWS!

GOD IS JUST A STRUGGLING COMEDY WRITER

IN THE GAME OF LIFE I WAS THE BENCHWARMER'S OUTDATED HAIRCUT

IN THE SOCCER GAME OF LIFE I WAS THE ANNOYING ASSHOLE WITH THE HORN

LIFE IS A GAME. I HIT THE GO TO JAIL SPOT WAY TOO MUCH.

LIFE IS A GAME. DON'T LOSE.

LIFE IS A GAME. I WISH I'D BEEN A BETTER CHEATER.

HEALTH FOOD ONLY PROLONGED THE MISERY.

HANDLE MY VAST COLLECTION OF "WHO FARTED?" T-SHIRTS WITH CARE

IMMORTALIZE ME BY MAKING ME THE QUESTION TO A JEOPARDY! ANSWER

MY LIFE WAS A TRIBUTE TO ALL OF THE DUMB FUCKS WHO DIED BEFORE ME

PLEASE LEAVE ALL OF MY STUFF TO MY FAVORITE SON, LITTLE STEVIE, THE ONLY ONE WORTH A DAMN. NOT LIKE THOSE WORTHLESS SHITS GREG AND KEVIN.

THE END WASN'T PRETTY

AT LEAST I LEFT A FEW STORIES

I SHOULDN'T HAVE VOLUNTEERED FOR THE VULCAN DEATH GRIP

WATCH OUT. GOD'S GUNNING FOR YOU TOO!

I'M STILL UP FOR IT IF YOU'RE INTO NECROPHILIA BETH, CINDY, OR MARY

I WAS RIGHT TO BE CYNICAL

I THINK COLONEL MUSTARD DID IT IN THE CONSERVATORY WITH THE ROPE

DON'T RAT ON MAFIA DONS

ANOTHER MURDER VICTIM OF THAT PRICK GOD

I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS CAUGHT DEAD WEARING TACKY SHIT

DIED WITH EVEN LESS DIGNITY THAN ELVIS

PLEASE DON'T USE ME AS A WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S 3 PROP

ALL THOSE VIOLIN AND ITALIAN LESSONS FOR WHAT?

DIED LESS POPULAR BUT MORE HONEST THAN JESUS

IF I HAD FREE CHOICE I WOULDN'T BE HERE

TOLD YOU I WAS DYING TO GET OUT OF WORK

MOURN WHEN YOU JOIN ME. UNTIL THEN DRINK.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT 8846TH DEEP FRIED DOUBLE MEAT FOUR CHEESE TACO PLATTER

POSITIVE THINKING HAS LIMITS

EARTH WAS A BIZARRE FIELD TRIP

I BLINKED A FEW BILLION TIMES AND IT WAS OVER

DONATE MY INGREDIENTS TO HUNGRY CANNIBALS

IT WAS A FORCED RESIGNATION

EXPECT THINGS TO GET WORSE. THEY ALWAYS DO EVENTUALLY.

LIFE IS GAME IN A HORRIBLY RIGGED CASINO

I WONDER WHICH GOD WANTED ME DEAD

MY DIET WORKED TOO WELL

THE UNIVERSE EVENTUALLY ABORTED ME ANYWAY MA

LIFE IS THE MOST OVERRATED EXPERIENCE I'VE HAD YET

NOT IN A BETTER PLACE. JUST FUCKING DEAD.

STANDING UP TO BULLIES ISN'T ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA

AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE ECONOMY

EVEN NOW, I REGRET BUYING ALL OF THOSE CHEAP FLEA MARKET SOCKS. THEY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD DEAL, BUT MAN, THEY WERE MADE OF SOMETHING LIKE DUST. MY FOOT WENT THROUGH EVERY ONE OF THEM INSTANTLY. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU!

ALL OF THE BRILLIANT WORK I DID GAVE ME THE SAME END RESULT AS THE LAZIEST FOOL

LIFE IS A TERRIBLE INDIAN GIVER

I WAS A HOLOCAUST OF ONE

DEATH REFUSED TO ACCEPT MY HALF-OFF COUPON