Sometimes I'm serious.

THOUSANDS DIE UNKNOWN

Yesterday 150,000 people on planet Earth experienced physical death.  Much of the death count occurred due to starvation in Africa and rampant disease in Southeast Asia.  Cancer, old age, and accidental stupidity remained at steady numbers in the Western world. Numerous relatives of the deceased had much to say about those who passed, but failed to be reached for comment.

Out of the approximately 150,000 who passed away, 108,000 were thought of as generally good people.  They worked hard most of their lives to provide for their loved ones. They treated others with love and respect and will be missed. 11,000 were thought to be the salt of the Earth.  They were absolutely fantastic human beings who made life better for all they knew. 23,000 were thought to be quiet people who lived meek lives. Even though they had their faults, they’ll be missed.  8000 were thought to be complete assholes. 

Some will be buried.  Others will be cremated.  A few will be merely thrown aside to be eaten by disgusting flesh eating beasts. Although estimates vary from region to region, the existence of an afterlife is thought to be likely for most of the deceased. More than half are believed to be heading instantly to heaven. Several thousand are predicted to be reincarnated. The best of the reincarnated may be reborn as gods. The worst reincarnated person, Barry Epstein, transformed into an untouchable monkey turd. 

A few thousand are thought to be lingering in some type of bizarre Catholic purgatory. About 10% of those who passed are believed to simply cease to exist anywhere anymore. Only a few hundred were thought to be so evil that they might actually end up in hell. Even these pricks are thought to be forgiven by most, with the exception of fundamentalist Christians, fundamentalists Muslims, and other fundamentalist monotheists labeled by rational civilization as “nuts.” 

The international media will inform the general public about the deaths of around 10 of the deceased.  9 of 10 will not have been heard of by most of the people in the world. Countless years of their existence will be reduced to a byline or maybe a few sentences in the death section. The passing of a pop singer with a one hit wonder will result in on air tributes off and on throughout the day.  The others will be remembered at times by a few folks, but will be mostly forgotten for eternity.  Damn.