Sometimes I'm serious.
MY FIRST DATE WENT POORLY
This is an excerpt from a semi-fictional script titled American Kids I wrote about growing up in Ohio in the 1990's.
Mike- me, age 16
Brad- close friend of Mike, age 16
Jilly- Brad's first serious girlfriend, age 16
Sara- Jilly's friend, age 16
MY FIRST DATE
SCENE: INT: Jilly's house
Jilly
Mike, I’d like you to meet my friend, Sara.
Mike
Hey Sara.
MIKE AND SARA SHAKE HANDS
Sara
Nice to meet you.
Mike
The feeling is mutual.
Sara
Excuse me?
Mike
Nothing, it’s from The Naked Gun.
Sara
The naked what?
BRAD WHISPERS TO MIKE
Brad
Easy on the dork talk.
Mike
Nothing. It’s just one of the greatest movies of all-time.
Sara
Oh, movies. I don’t watch a lot of them. I’m too busy.
Mike
Gotcha. Well, shall we make our way to the delicious buffet of Pizza Hut?
Sara
Is it a buffet? Those are like, totally disgusting.
Mike
Very well, we shall skip the buffet. Straight to the movies.
Brad
Seriously Mike, just relax.
Mike
I’ll relax more if you quit demanding that I relax.
SCENE: INT. MOVIE THEATER
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE OUT. MIKE AND SARA TRY TO IGNORE THEIR FRIENDS MAKING OUT.
Mike
So, uh, you’re a sophomore right?
Sara
Yes. Only two more years before I get to live how I want.
Mike
I hear you. God, that’ll be sweet.
Sara
You know you shouldn’t swear.
Mike
What are you talking about?
Sara
Taking the Lord’s name in vain. That’s the worst one.
Mike
Oh, sorry. I didn’t think about it.
Sara
Yeah, well you should. Jilly.
BRAD AND JILLY CONTINUE MAKING OUT
Sara (loud whisper)
Jilly! Jilly!
Brad
Easy psycho!
Sara
What did you call me?
Brad
Psycho. Chill the hell out.
Sara
I want to go. Let’s leave.
Brad
Fine. Mike why don’t you drive?
Mike
Okay, sure.
SCENE: INT. CAR
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE OUT IN THE BACK SEAT
Sara
So do you have a job?
Mike
Oh yeah, I work at an ice cream shop. It’s pretty sweet.
Sara
Is that some sort of joke?
Mike
Eh, not a good one. What about you, do you work?
Sara
I have an internship at my father’s law office.
Mike
That sounds interesting.
Sara
It’s not. I hate every second of it.
Mike
Oh, well what do you like to do for fun?
Sara
Lots of stuff. I like travelling to ski resorts and shopping at fancy boutiques. What about you?
Mike
I like music, books, and movies.
Sara
Oh.
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE LOUD GIGGLY NOISES. MIKE APPEARS TENSE, SARA APPEARS ANNOYED.
Mike
I like funny stuff. Do you like funny stuff?
Sara
I don’t have the time.
Mike
Right. You must have an active life.
Sara
Yes. I do.
Mike
Great.
Narrator
The next day I went over to Brad’s house.
SCENE: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Mike
So, should I call her?
Brad
Uh listen Mike…
Mike
I mean, she’s definitely cute, right?
Brad
Sure, that’s not the issue.
Mike
Issue? There’s an issue?
Brad
Well see Mike, Jilly and I were talking…
Mike
Okay. And?
Brad
Well see the thing about girls like Sara is…
Mike
What? Just say it.
Brad
She doesn’t like you.
Mike
Wow. She said that?
Brad
Not exactly. Don’t sweat it bro, you’re just not her type.
Mike
Man.
Brad
You okay?
Mike
Yeah, it sucks, but I guess I didn’t really know her that well.
Brad
You didn’t know her at all, so fuck it.
Mike
Yeah, I guess.
Brad
No worries boy. There’s a billion fish in the sweet lady sea.
Mike
That’s a comforting thought.
Narrator (adult Mike)
I didn’t exactly ace my first date.
