Sometimes I'm serious.
AMERICAN KIDS
SCENE 1: EXT. SOCCER FIELD
Narrator
I started high school in London, Ohio in August of 1993.
MIKE WEARS SOCCER ATTIRE
Narrator
I was nervous about my first day of practice with the high school soccer team.
Mike
Oh boy.
Narrator
I didn’t know any of the older guys and felt like a midget among giants. Luckily, some other midgets showed up. These guys helped me make it through high school alive.
MARK SMILES AT MIKE
Narrator
Mark was my best friend from Junior High. We hung out all the time. We had a lot in common. We were both clueless about life and we joked about everything.
Mike
God, I’m glad you’re here Marc.
Mark
Where else would I be? I don’t save the world until next week.
Mike
Fair enough.
MARK FLEXES HIS UNIMPRESSIVE BICEPS
Mark
You think I should show these chumps up before I subject them to a world of pain?
Mike
Tough to say champ.
BRAD APPROACHES MIKE AND MARC
Brad
Hey boys!
Narrator
I never liked Brad growing up. He had the biggest mouth in my entire class. But I figured I’d at least try to be civil.
Marc
Hey Brad. How was your summer?
Brad
Man boy, I had five chicks I was going out with. One of em’ even gave me some good HJ’s.
Mike
HJ’s?
Brad
Don’t you know anything?
Mike
Not as much as you.
Brad
HJ’s: Hand jobs.
BRAD SIMULATES MASTURBATING
Brad
You hang with me; I’ll bet you get some of that and more!
Mike
You’re not offering?
Brad
Naw, my a-hole is a one way street.
CHAD COMES ON TO THE SOCCER FIELD
Narrator
Chad entered high school straight from Catholic grade school.
Chad
Now that we’re in high school, we’ll all get laid!
Narrator
A fine product of good old fashioned Christian education.
Mark
I don’t think you’ll get laid here.
Chad
Ha. I’ll kick some ass before I get some ass! Yeah!
MIKE NODS IN THE DIRECTION OF FARLEY
Mike
What’s up with that dude?
Chad
He went to St. Waste of time too. He’s all right. He’s pretty quiet.
Narrator
Legally, he was given a name. But none of us would call him whatever that name was again after that day.
Brad
Quiet? I got to mess with this dude.
BRAD WALKS OVER TO HARTMAN
Brad
Hey big man, what’s your name?
Hartman
Hi, I’m Phil.
Brad
No man, I already got a Phil. You need something better. Like Phil Hartman. From now on, you will be known as Hartman.
Hartman
That doesn’t make any sense.
Brad
Sure it does Hartman.
BRAD DANCES AROUND HARTMAN
Brad
Hartman, Hartman, Hartman, Hartman.
Mike
I think Brad wants him to be named Hartman.
Chad
I like Hartman.
Mark
It’s stupid, but I could think of worse. Hey, you think any of us will play varsity?
Mike
No chance in hell. Look at those guys.
CLINT AND NATE APPRAOCH MIKE AND MARC
Clint
Hey faggots, you planning on getting your asses smoked?
Brad
That’s a pretty gay thing to say.
Nate
Okay tough guy,
NATE HITS BRAD IN THE STOMACH
Nate
You better do what we say around here.
Brad
That sounds gay too.
CLINT DRILLS A SOCCER BALL INTO BRAD WHILE HE IS ON THE GROUND
Clint
Smart ass, you’ll learn to shut the fuck up like your queer boy pals.
Nate
Later pussy freshmen.
CLINT AND NATE EXIT. MIKE TOUCHES BRAD ON THE SHOULDER.
Mike
Hey man, you okay?
Brad
Man, fuck those guys. We got to stand our ground.
Mark
I just don’t want to get nailed.
Hartman
Me too.
Mike
For real. This is just soccer.
Narrator
And so the soccer season went. We got our asses kicked a lot, but had a lot of fun talking shit.
SCENE 2: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I was lucky to have a good family.
Mike
Hey Ma.
Ma
Hey Mike. How was school?
Mike
It was pretty good.
Ma
You finish all your homework?
Mike
Very funny.
Narrator
I never did homework at home. It seemed like such a waste of valuable time in real life.
Ma
You want to head into Columbus?
Mike
Yeah, that sounds good. Are Drew and Tine coming?
Narrator
Drew and Tine are my younger siblings. They were good kids who were actively involved in the community and didn’t always have the free time I had.
Ma
No, they’re both busy tonight. Just you and me.
Mike
Sweet.
Narrator
Mom took pride in her ability to get cheap prices on everything. She was a real bargain hunter.
CUT TO: INT. GROCERY STORE
Mike
Check it out Ma, manager’s special, 59 cents a pound for beef.
Ma
I don’t know. The place across the street might be 49 cents.
Mike
Sounds like a risk.
Ma
We’ll come back if we can’t find it cheaper.
CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
Ma was a grade school teacher and was one of the few adults I knew who seemed to like her job.
Ma
You wouldn’t believe what kids will do for a three cent piece of candy.
Mike
I guess there are perks to your job.
Ma
Like summers off! I just have to take the one course this summer.
Narrator
Ma always said she was going to take a summer off school, but never did.
Ma
I’m going to help Grandma and Pop with some things this summer.
Mike
Like the big wedding anniversary.
Ma
Can you imagine being married for fifty years?
Mike
I can’t even imagine breathing for fifty years, so no.
Ma
You’d be surprised how quickly it can go.
Mike
Maybe. That’s why I’m trying to enjoy right now.
Ma
That’s good honey. Your Grandma is just so excited.
Mike
Yeah, I can see that.
SCENE 3: INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE
Narrator
My Grandma was the most social person I ever knew. She was always on the phone.
GRANDMA TALKS ON THE PHONE IN THE KITCHEN
Grandma
Oh, Martha Ann. We’ve got to get the gals together to bake for card club sometime soon.
CUT TO: GRANDMA TALKING ON THE PHONE IN THE LIVING ROOM
Grandma
Oh Janie. The church picnic is just going to be wonderful this year.
CUT TO: GRANDMA TALKING ON THE PHONE IN THE BATHTUB
Grandma
Your meals on wheels will be delivered tomorrow Cindy Lou.
Narrator
My Grandma was sweet to most people, but quite bossy with my Grandpa, who I called Pop.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM
Grandma
These drapes need closed. Close them.
Pop
Yes dear.
CUT TO: KITCHEN
Grandma
The historical society is coming over. Put something decent on.
Pop
Yes dear.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM
Grandma
This weather is just awful.
Pop
Yes dear.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM
Narrator
And as social as my Grandma was, Pop wasn’t.
Pop
Oh your Grandma has this and that club coming over. I get so tired of all these damn people coming over, eating all of our food and talking about nothing.
Mike
Ha!
Narrator
Pop lived with a lot of regrets, but gave good advice.
Pop
Let me tell you, build a small fire and stay close to it. You don’t need all this other crap.
Mike
I hear you.
Pop
Don’t ever join the army. They own you if you do. You can do better.
Mike
I hope so.
Pop
During the Depression, bologna was good eating. I still like a bologna sandwich. Get a pan, throw the bologna in a little oil. Get some bread, put some ketchup on it. That’s good eatin’.
Mike
I’ll try it some time.
Narrator
I did. It wasn’t very good. But Pop was almost always right about important things. I don’t know if I would have made it through life without the help of my family.
SCENE 4: EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
Narrator
Teenagers are trying to figure out who they are. Mark and I were no exception.
Mark
What do you think we’ll do with our lives?
Mike
I don’t know. I’ll probably end up going to Columbus State and work at Burger King.
Mark
Not me. I’m going to be an accountant.
Mike
That’s weird. Why accounting?
Mark
My Uncle is one. He makes good money. I’m good at math. I think I could do that.
Mike
Sounds like a plan. I thought you’d want to be a comedian.
Mark
A comedian? Nobody does that in real life.
Mike
Someone does.
Mark
Yeah, but those guys get started when they’re like 5 years old.
Mike
How many 5 year old comedians have you ever seen?
Mark
A lot of 5 year olds are comedians, whether they know it or not.
Mike
Maybe I could be an opera singer.
Mark
Sounds like your best bet.
SCENE 5: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
Brad was the opposite of Mark. He never thought about the future and lived for the moment. I started hanging out with Brad after soccer practices. He introduced me to great things.
Brad
Let me give you an education boy.
Mike (sarcastic)
Oh please master guru, take me to school.
Brad
You don’t even know. This right here is The Doors.
“LIGHT MY FIRE” BY THE DOORS PLAYS
Narrator
I listened. It was old, but it was something new to me. This music spoke to me more than the pop music coming out in the 90’s. Brad gave me a crash course on music:
“ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER” BY THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE PLAYS
Brad
Jimi Hendrix! This guy wails harder than anyone! Just listen!
Narrator
Beach Boys,
“Caroline No” BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYS
Brad
Check out those voices. Human beings can actually do that.
Narrator
Beatles,
“TOMORROW NEVER KNOWS” BY THE BEATLES PLAYS
Brad
Oh yeah, The Beatles were way, way into some trippy shit. God, those guys just had so many great tunes. I think they could write a song about taking a shit and find a way to make it good.
Narrator
Zeppelin- Yeah, they were biggest in the 70’s, but they started in the 60’s and fit my definition of a 60’s band. So there.
“WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS” BY LED ZEPPELIN PLAYS
Brad
They played like gods. They might be gods.
Narrator
Cream,
“I FEEL FREE” BY CREAM PLAYS
Brad
This dude can make his guitar talk. You know what it’s saying?
Mike
No.
Brad
It’s saying, “Hey ladies drop those panties. I’ll make you if you don’t do it for me.”
Narrator
Motown.
“MY GIRL” BY THE TEMPTATIONS PLAYS
Brad
Man, they had sweet tunes back in the day.
Mike
Yeah.
Brad
That’s all you can say? You got to feel music!
Mike
I do man. I just feel it in my own way.
Brad
Whatever. You got to get down to some of this too.
BRAD PLAYS “IRON MAN” BY BLACK SABBATH, GIVES THE “DEVIL SALUTE” HAND GESTURE, STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE, AND JUMPS OFF HIS BED.
Mike
You’re a goober! But you’ve got good tunes.
Brad
Damn straight. I don’t worship the devil, but he’s got some sweet servants.
Narrator
We usually failed miserably in our attempts to be cool.
“ROOM FOR ONE MORE” BY ANTHRAX PLAYS
Brad
Anthrax! Now this is sweet music!
Mike
Yeah, it’s amazing.
Brad
People dance like this to it.
BRAD BEGINS HEADBANGING AND “MOSHING INTO MARK AND MIKE
Mark
Awesome!
BRAD, MARK, AND MIKE SMASH INTO EACH OTHER AND LAUGH
Narrator
Brad also introduced me to stand up comedy. He was a fan of the older guys: Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Eddie Murphy.
Brad
They’re some funny motherfuckers! Imagine being able to have a whole audience just mesmerized by what you have to say.
Mike
I’d get nervous. I don’t really like giving speeches.
Brad
Yeah, but giving speeches in school sucks. You can’t say what you really want. But Richard Pryor? He’s speaking the truth.
Mike
And making it funny. Pretty impressive.
Brad
But they never had The Simpsons back in the day.
Mike
Unfair advantage for us.
Narrator
We all worshipped The Simpsons. We’d quote it endlessly.
Mike
Hello dean, you are a stupid head.
Marc
Homer is that you?
Mike
Ah!
Chad
Oh God, that is classic!
Brad
I hope I can be just a fraction as sweet as Homer.
Mike
I know. I’ll probably end up more like Moe!
Mark
Jesus. At least be more like Barney.
Brad
Wow, Barney or Moe? Who’s the bigger loser?
Mike
I got to go Moe. Moe is always trying to kill himself.
Mark
True.
Mike
Barney’s life might suck to an outsider. But he seems kind of okay with everything.
Brad
You have a point.
Mike
Oh I can break The Simpsons down, intellectual style.
Mark
Imagine if you used the brain power you use for Simpsons trivia to finding a cancer cure.
Brad
You might have saved millions of lives.
Mike
Yeah, but not to hear Homer say “Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off?”
Chad
Not worth it.
Brad
I mean those people are going to die someday anyway.
Mike
God, you’re such a dick.
Brad
Real men are dicks.
Narrator
Brad’s Mom was named Barb. She was a social work director and a giving person.
Barb
Make sure you boys get something to eat in the kitchen.
Mike
Thanks Barb.
Mark
Will do Barb.
Brad
I hope it’s steak and lobster.
Barb
Who do you think I am? I don’t even know what we have, but it sure ain’t steak and lobster.
Chad
Anything edible is fine.
Brad
I guess I’ll just have to settle for wonder bread again.
Barb
Please, you’ve never suffered a day in your life.
Narrator
Barb and Brad had an unusual relationship. But nothing compared to Chad and his Mom.
CUT TO: INT. CHAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
Chad’s Mom was quite blunt.
Nelly
I’m sick of my shit job in this shit town.
Mike
You make me excited about all I have to look forward to.
Nelly
It’s all downhill after school. Don’t waste time with these damn video games.
Chad
God Mom, you don’t know anything!
Nelly
Hey, that’s no fucking way to talk. I’m your mother, for Christ’s sakes.
Chad
Mike and Mark don’t want to hear this shit.
Nelly
You think you know everything, feel free to move out with your son of a bitch, no good father.
Chad
Maybe I will.
MIKE WHISPERS TO MARK
Mike
They always have good talks.
CUT TO: INT. HARTMAN’S HOUSE
Narrator
Hartman’s house was the other end of the spectrum, very laid back. At least one person in their family was always asleep. Hartman’s Mom was a June Cleaver-like super Mom.
Rita
You guys look bushed. How about some apple cider?
Mike
Sure, that sounds great Rita, thanks.
Rita
Mark?
Mark
Yes, thanks.
Jim
Well boys, it’s good to see you.
Narrator
Jim was Hartman’s Dad. He was an interesting guy.
Mike
So you actually thought about joining the priesthood?
Jim
I sure did.
Mike
What changed?
Jim
I came to believe that if there is a god, it can’t be contained by some organization with rules.
Mike
Hmm, I never thought about that before.
Jim
It’s something to consider.
Mike
I’ll keep it in mind.
Mark
Hey are you guys going to sit in here and gab, or are we going to play some euchre?
Mike
I guess I can learn to play cards and talk at the same time.
Mark
Well come on then!
CUT TO: INT. MARK’S HOUSE
Narrator
Mark was an only child. He had lots of video games and movies.
Mark
Mom, me and Mike are going to play Super Nintendo and watch TV.
Louise
That’s what you always do.
Mike
Good point.
Mark
Why mess with success?
MIKE WATCHES THE NAKED GUN AND LAUGHS HEARTILY
Narrator
I watched a lot of movies. I liked comedies best.
Mark
You really think The Naked Gun is better than Star Wars?
Mike
Not even close. Naked Gun is way better.
Mark
How about Citizen Kane?
Mike
Old guy misses sled. Good movie, but not The Naked Gun.
Narrator
Mark had a ton of movies from the 80’s that he taped from TV.
MIKE PICKS UP A VHS COPY OF ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING
Mike
Adventures in Babysitting? Sounds kind of shitty.
Mark
No way, that’s a good one. It makes you laugh and think.
Mike
I don’t believe it, but since you’re an expert, I’ll watch.
Narrator
Mark and I were huge movie geeks. I doubt either one of us will ever outgrow it.
CUT TO: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
Not that Brad and I were any better. During Christmas break, Brad and I literally watched Wayne’s World every day for three weeks straight. We could damn near quote it line for line.
Brad
God, Wayne is sweet!
Mike
Garth too man!
Brad
We’re going to rock like them someday!
CUT TO: DOLLAR MOVIE LOBBY
Narrator
If my family ever did anything outside of the house together, it was going to the movies. We all enjoyed the movies, although we had different tastes.
Ma
I love the dollar movies!
Drew
Yes.
Tine
It’s fun.
Mike
Ah, but what shall we see?
Narrator
The dollar movies showed flicks that were about to go to video. So I was always six months behind the rest of Western Civilization when it came to current movie knowledge.
CUT TO: HARTMAN’S HOUSE
HARTMAN
Hey Mike, I just saw that new Bond flick that came out.
Mike
No need to tell me. I’ll probably see it next year.
Narrator
I rented free movies from the library. I watched everything that I possibly could.
CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Ma
Interesting rental choices Mike. Stop Making Sense?
Mike
You know The Talking Heads? It’s probably the greatest concert film of all-time.
Ma
Okay. On the Waterfront? That’s great. You’ve never seen it?
Mike
No.
Ma
I’ve failed you as a parent. Oh, and Coming To America!
Mike
Eddie Murphy and Arsenio are delightful.
Ma
You’re too funny.
SCENE 9: INT. GYM
Narrator
Some of our crazy teachers seemed like movie characters. The head basketball coach and gym teacher was named Gus. He was a decent guy, but took some funny things seriously.
Gus
Let me see your report card son.
MIKE HANDS HIS REPORT CARD TO GUS
Gus
B average. I like it. Did I notice you boys walking home after practice?
Brad
Yeah coach.
Gus
Walking. I like it.
CUT TO: CLASSROOM
Gus
It makes no sense to drink any milk other than skim. Once you get used to skim, drinking anything else is like a milkshake.
Narrator
He had passion for what he did.
CUT TO: A BASKETBALL GAME
GUS GETS ANIMATED WHILE MAKING A CALL AS A REF
Gus
That’s a foul! Chopping away at the arms, number 47 blue!
CUT TO: A BASEBALL GAME
Gus
You’re out! Out, out, out!
CUT TO: A FOOTBALL TOSS STATION
Gus
Just put the ball in the hole. This isn’t brain surgery! Put the ball in the hole!
SCENE 10: INT. CLASSROM
Narrator
Parker, our American History teacher, used funny words.
Parker
Hey guy. Why don’t you cool it on all those shenanigans?
Brad
What’s a shenanigan?
Parker
I’ll tell you what. Since you appear not to know, you can stay with me for an hour after class while I educate you on that and a few other things about appropriate behaviors.
Brad
I’d rather do an independent study off grounds.
Parker
The problem with people who want to do their own thing is that they don’t want to do my thing. And in this classroom, my thing is the only thing that’s going to be done.
Narrator
Most of our teachers were okay. I think we just resented them when they tried to make us do things we didn’t care about, like listen to rules or work.
SCENE 11: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE LIVING ROOM
Narrator
Since none of us could drive, we’d hang out a lot at our houses.
Drew
I’ve got a new strategy for Risk.
Mike
Me too. Fall asleep. That’ll get me through it.
Brad
Man I’m going to fuck you up.
Narrator
Playing board games with my friends was funny. My brother Drew and Mark always took things very seriously.
Mark
My defensive system should keep any attack in a middle position.
Narrator
Hartman and I just wanted to have fun.
Mike
Sweet. I’ll grab some chips and pop.
Hartman
Cool.
Narrator
Chad and Brad pissed off Mark and Drew.
Brad
How many of these tiny plastic motherfuckers you think I could fit into my mouth?
Mark
Brad, do not put those in your mouth!
Brad
But they taste so good. I love the taste of soldier man.
Mark
Quit being an idiot! We’re going to start soon.
Brad
Hey man, it’s a fucking game. Chill the hell out!
Mark
I want it to be a good game, not some pointless fuck around.
Chad
Isn’t the whole point of games to fuck around?
Mike
Yep.
Mark
Don’t encourage him. Don’t ruin the game.
Brad
Yes sir, Captain DICK- tator. It’s a fucking game. You’re not really taking over the world.
Mark
Why do we invite him?
Mike
It’s Brad. It’s more fun when he’s around.
Mark
For you maybe. He gives me a headache.
Mike
You know he’ll be done in less than an hour. Relax.
Marc
He better not give his power to Drew. That’ll give him an advantage over us.
Mike
Don’t worry. We’ll manage.
Narrator
Sure enough, just a few minutes later,
Mark
Oh Brad, I think I’m about to take your biggest country.
Brad
Oh Mark, I think I’m about to throw dice at you.
Mark
Okay dickhead. My army is just going to keep crushing yours.
Brad
You can crush my shitty little plastic soldiers, but you can never crush me!
BRAD GETS UP AND DANCES
Brad
I’m tired of this bullshit. I quit.
Mike
Told you.
Brad
I give all my countries to Drew.
Mark
You can’t do that.
Brad
Can too. Watch. Here Drew.
Drew
No, I can’t accept that.
Mark
Hell no you can’t.
Brad
Why not? You saying my armies aren’t any good Drew?
Drew
It’s unfair.
Brad
Life and war are unfair. Lesson learned.
Mark
Shut up. He’s not getting your lands.
Brad
Whatever man. Have fun with your dork army. I’m going to smoke. You coming Mike?
Mike
I’ll take five.
Marc
Don’t go with him.
Mike
I’ll be back. I’m just going to get some air.
Mark
God, he does this same shit every time.
Chad
At least when Brad plays, I never finish last.
SCENE 12: EXT. STREET AT NIGHT
Narrator
Like a lot of small town youngsters, we did dumb and pointless stuff often.
Mark
Oh man, sneaking out is sweet!
Chad
We’re going to fuck that place up!
Mike
Toilet papering rocks!
Mark
That guy is going to be pissed when we TP him good.
Mike
And he should be. This is kind of fucked up.
Chad
I can’t wait.
COP APPROACHES MIKE, CHAD, AND MARK
Cop
What are you boys doing out so late?
MIKE AND CHAD RUN TO CHAD’S HOUSE, MARK RUNS DOWN AN ALLEY
Mike
Why are we running?
Chad
I don’t know.
Mike
Don’t you think we should have lied instead?
Chad
It’s a little late for that now.
MIKE AND CHAD ENTER CHAD’S HOUSE
Mike
Maybe if we just stay quiet.
Chad
Could be okay.
A KNOCK IS HEARD
Chad
Maybe my Mom won’t answer it.
NELLY ANSWERS THE DOOR
Mike
This isn’t good. Should we run now, or just bite the bullet?
Chad
We’re fucked.
Nelly
Chad, you need to get down here now!
MIKE AND CHAD ENTER THE LIVING ROOM
Cop
Now just what were you two planning on doing?
Mike
We were going to toilet paper a friend’s house.
Cop
Did you do it?
Chad
No sir.
Cop
Let me give you boys a bit of advice. Stay where you’re supposed to be staying. Stay inside.
Mike
Yes sir.
COP EXITS
Mike
Wow, that was close.
Chad
Do you think they got Mark too?
Mike
I don’t know. I hope not.
MARK ENTERS
Mark
What the hell happened to you two?
Mike
John Law got us, but we got off with a stern lecture. You?
Mark
I hid and circled back once I saw the cop left your Mom’s place.
Chad
You’re a champ.
Marc
That I am. But for now, I’m cool with laying low for the night.
Mike
I hear you.
SCENE 13: EXT. RUNNING TRACK
Narrator
I made the mistake of running track my freshmen year. In retrospect, I don’t know why I did it.
Mike
Hmm, track. Why not?
Narrator
I never liked running much. I played basketball that winter, but only had four points all season long. I remember the taunts of my teammates more than any basketball.
CUT TO: INT. GYM
Basketball jock
Hey dickmunch. How was the view from the bench?
Mike
Fuck you.
CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
And I didn’t want to just sit around at home,
CUT TO: MA SWEEPONG A RUG
Narrator
And a few of my friends were doing it, so why not? Hartman quit in the second week.
CUT TO: A TRACK
Hartman
This sucks. I quit. I’ll just get more hours at the library.
Mike
Okay, good luck.
Narrator
Chad quit.
Chad
I think I strained my calf.
Mike
But you were running laps in gym today just fine.
Chad
Yeah, but that was luck. I don’t think I’ll be able to run anymore for the team.
Mike
What a shame.
Narrator
That left me alone with a bunch of upperclassmen.
Bo
Come on freshman! Run!
Mike
I’m trying!
Curt
Try harder. My girlfriend can run faster than that.
CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I told my Ma I wanted to quit.
Ma
No. You made a commitment to that team. You’re staying.
Mike
Ugh. Fine.
Narrator
So I took it a little less than seriously.
CUT TO: EXT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Brad
Hey boy, I thought you had running man practice.
Mike
Not today. Let’s play some hacky sack.
Brad
Hey, there are the running pussies now.
AN ENTIRE TRACK TEAM RUNS RIGHT BY BRAD AND MIKE.
Mike
That’s okay. Most of them don’t know my name anyway. They call me freshman bitch.
Brad
What’s the worst they could do?
Mike
Exactly. Make me run more?
Brad
Let them run, we’ll chill.
Mike
I might not get that varsity letter.
Brad
That might keep you out of the good colleges, and you’ll never have a good job, or a family.
Mike (sarcastic)
Damn!
Brad
Your refusal to run with other men will keep you from a bright future.
Mike
Shit!
SCENE 14: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I never got laid in high school. But most of my friends did. Brad was first. On that glorious day I was at my house. Brad walked in with a big shit eating grin on his face.
Mike
What the hell is going on with you?
Brad
Oh, nothing much.
Mike
Then why do you look like that?
Brad
I just went home after school, I changed clothes.
Mike
That doesn’t sound amazing.
Brad
Oh, and Sara came over, and I’m out the V club.
Mike
Wait, you’re out of the V club?
Brad
That’s right boy. I’m no longer among the virgins of the world.
Mike
No way! Well done my friend. Well how’d it happen?
Brad
Sara came over. I figured Gran would be there. But she went to some doctor or something.
Mike
Nice.
Brad
Real nice. I was hoping to make out, maybe a blow job.
Mike
Sweet.
Brad
So we start kissing. She takes off her clothes, I take off mine. One thing leads to another, we get to the laundry room.
Mike
In the back?
Brad
Yeah. We hang out there just in case anyone comes in the front, and we do the dirty deed!
Mike
How was it?
Brad
Man, it was amazing. I’m hoping to do it again real soon.
Mike
My hat is off to you sir. Video game of your choice.
Brad
Fuck yeah! Let’s do some Street Fighter!
Mike
You’re on!
SCENE 15: EXT. BRYAN’S FAMILY CAMPGROUND
Narrator
Most of my friends lived in the city. Bryan’s family lived out in the woods. It was a good place to get into mischief without hurting anyone but ourselves.
Bryan
Check out what I swiped from the old man’s liquor cabinet.
Brad
Whiskey and vodka?
Chad
The hard stuff! Nicely done.
Bryan
I aim to please.
Brad
Let’s get fucking loaded.
Narrator
I planned on getting drunk. But I remembered my Grandfather who died in the gutter, literally. I decided to stay sober. But my friends got shit faced with pride.
Hartman
Oh man, I’m so blown!
HARTMAN TAKES OFF HIS PANTS
Mike
You’re fucking ridiculous man!
Hartman
I never want to wear pants again! Yeah!
Mike
What a fool.
Brad
Not like me. I just want to go topless.
BRAD TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND RUNS AROUND IN SMALL CIRCLES
Mike
You’re an idiot too.
Chad
Damn, we should’ve been doing this a long time ago.
Bryan
Come on Mike, join us.
Mike
No thanks. I’m good. You guys are great entertainers.
Narrator
I didn’t want to fuck with that stuff. I had other, more immature vices.
SCENE 16: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE BATHROOM
Narrator
Mystery bags were the epitome of our immaturity. We filled up tiny garbage bags with shaving cream, water, and whatever we could find, and would throw them at cars driving by my house.
CUT TO: EXT. MIKE’S HOUSE, BALCONY PORCH
Mark
Throw it now!
MIKE THROWS THE BAG, AND MISSES THE CAR BY SEVERAL FEET
Brad
That sucked.
Mike
You try then.
BRAD THROWS A BAG AND HITS THE TOP OF THE PORCH
Mike
At least mine was better than that!
Narrator
My house had a second story porch. For some reason we thought people would be unable to tell where giant bags were coming from, despite the fact that there was only one possibility.
Mark
One of these days, we’re going to get a car.
Brad
We’d better.
Narrator
Eventually we got better at timing it and could scare drivers. Once we threw them at some random guy walking by.
BAG HITS GUY ON HIS FOOT
Narrator
We considered that a success. And Ma started questioning more about why bathroom stuff was missing,
Ma
Where on Earth did all my tampons go?
Mike
I have no idea.
Narrator
So we decided it was time to retire mystery bags.
SCENE 17: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARTY
Narrator
As freshmen, we didn’t get invited to upperclassmen parties. But my friend Nick had an older brother who loved us.
Dean
Hey Broskies, grab a brew, take a view, and have some fun, uh?
Mike
Thanks.
Narrator
Freshmen have almost no power. As a result, freshmen tend to do one of two things:
1. They do everything possible to impress the juniors and seniors. They talk trash, get their asses kicked, but are brave. This is the route Brad and Chad chose to take.
Brad
I’m going to get crazy tonight!
Chad
Not as crazy as me bitch!
Brad
Please. Even on one of my slightly crazy days, I’ll out crazy you on the craziest day of your life.
Narrator
Or…
2. They don’t say anything to avoid getting their asses kicked. This was the route Mark, Hartman, and I chose to take.
BRAD HOLDS THREE SHOT GLASSES WHILE SURROUNDED BY MANY KIDS
Brad
Punk asses think you’re tough? Watch me shotgun a triple shot!
BRAD CHUGS THREE SHOTS
Brad
Yeah! I am amazing!
BRAD DOES AN OBNOXIOUS DANCE
Chad
I bet you get all the chicks dude.
Nate
Yeah, I do okay. Now drink more freshmen!
Chad
Shit, I was going to do that anyway!
CHAD DRINKS MORE BEER
CUT TO: EXT. BY THE HOUSE, ISOLATED FROM THE REST OF THE PARTY
Hartman
So, what do you guys think, Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo?
Mike
I’m a classic Nintendo man myself. I’m a sucker for classics.
Mark
It depends on my mood. Nintendo has the Mario games, Zelda, and F-Zero. But Genesis has Battle Axe. So I’m torn.
Mike
You guys ever think we should be more like Brad and Chad, mixing it up with the older guys?
CUT TO: BRAD PUKING WHILE UPPERCLASSMEN LAUGH
CUT TO: CHAD PASSED OUT, GUYS DRAW ON HIM WITH A MARKER
Mark
No, I think we’re good actually.
Narrator
We had good times as freshmen. But we hoped sophomore year would rock even more.
SCENE18: EXT. SOCCER FIELD
Narrator
I played for the varsity soccer team as a sophomore. That didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped.
Mike
I might get to play today.
Chad
Really?
Mike
I don’t know. It’s not up to me. Coach decides.
Narrator
I scored one goal. I was shocked when it happened.
CUT TO: MIKE BEING SURROUNDED BY TEAMMATES
Tim
Nice goal man!
CUT TO: THE BENCH
Narrator
Although I still had a long way to go before I could be considered a soccer star.
Chad
Hey guys, Mike scored a goal!
Kent
Mike who?
Narrator
That summed up my year in soccer. I got a varsity letter, but felt like I was barely on the team.
SCENE 19: EXT. HARTMAN’S HOUSE
Narrator
We all played soccer. Brad also wrestled. The only thing he usually used his skills for was to annoy every guy he knew by placing them into a move he called the buttsuck.
Brad
Come on boy, let me show you this new wras-lin’ move.
Mike
No Brad. You’re just going to put me in the buttsuck.
Brad
This is the buttsuck 3.0. It’s better now.
Mike
I‘m good.
Brad
Fine. I’ll just do it to Hartman.
Narrator
The key to getting Brad to leave you alone was to have no reaction to his obnoxious behavior. That made his childish games dull to him. Hartman somehow never learned this.
Brad
Hey Hartman, I need to give you one of these.
Hartman
Brad, what the hell?
BRAD GRABS HARTMAN AND PINS HIM DOWN. BRAD’S BUTT IS NESTLED ON TOP OF HARTMAN’S FACE.
HARTMAN
God damn it Brad, get off me!
Brad
What’ll you give me?
HARTMAN
I’ll kick your ass if you don’t.
Brad
You should kiss my ass instead, it’s just right there.
HARTMAN
Brad, get off!
Brad
You must learn to respect and love my ass. It’s your friend.
HARTMAN
Never!
Mike
Okay Brad, I think he’s had enough.
Brad
Do you love my ass Hartman?
Hartman
No!
Brad
Wrong answer.
BRAD RUBS HIS ASS ON HARTMAN’S FACE
Mike
Brad, just let him go.
Brad
He needs to learn his lesson first.
Mike
What, that you have an ass? I think he knows.
Hartman
Fuck you Brad. You’re such a dick.
Brad
I’m really more of an ass man. I hope you remember that.
BRAD GETS OFF HARTMAN. HARTMAN FLIPS HIM OFF.
Hartman
Fuck you and your ass!
Brad
If you want to fuck my ass, that changes the relationship.
Mike
You always take it three steps too far man.
Brad
Why not? It’s the only thing that makes life interesting.
Hartman
Go suck some tree bark!
Brad
What the hell kind of insult was that?
Mike
I have no idea.
SCENE 20: INT. HARTMAN’S HOUSE
Narrator
Hartman was born eccentric. Every so often, he’d flip out.
Hartman SLAMS A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER AND YELLS AT A YOUNG CHILD
Hartman
Eat shit and die you bastard. You’re lucky with Techmo Bowl.
Mike
Wow. That was unexpected.
CUT TO: EXT. HARTMAN’S YARD, MARK TRIES TO SHAKE HARTMAN’S HAND
Marc
Good game Hartman.
HARTMAN SPRINTS AWAY
Brad
Hartman, what the fuck are you doing?
Mike
Why the hell did he just run away?
MARK SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS
Mark
Beats me.
CUT TO: INT. JIM’S TRUCK
JIM DRIVES
Jim
I think you boys should have a good time at the concert.
Mike
Yeah, I think we will Jim. Thanks for giving us a ride.
Jim
No problem. That way I won’t have to worry about Hartman trying to drive home drunk again.
Hartman
Oh, fuck you Dad.
Jim
Excuse me?
HARTMAN RAISES VOICE
Hartman
FUCK YOU!
MIKE AND JIM LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SURPRISE
Jim
Now Hartman, I think we’re going to need to have a little chat when we get home.
Narrator
Hartman flip outs were always a treat to watch. Not that Hartman was dangerous, just weird.
SCENE: 21 INT. SCHOOL LOBBY
Narrator
In fact, Hartman did well in school. But Mark took school way more seriously than the rest of us.
Brad
Hey boys, we should set off these firecrackers after school.
Mark
I can’t. I’ve got to study for French. Have fun though.
MARK EXITS
Brad
Man, I can’t believe how seriously he takes school.
Mike
I know.
Brad
If we don’t have fun now, when?
Mike
It’s not that hard to get a bit of work done though Brad.
Brad
Man, you need to settle down with all that serious talk. What you need is to smoke this.
BRAD PULLS A CIGARETTE OUT OF HIS POCKET
Mike
I’m good man. I’m good.
Brad
Suit yourself. You could never be as sweet as me any way.
Mike
I won’t even try.
Brad
Good thing. Hey can you give me a ride home if I don’t hook up with some chick?
Mike
Sure.
SCENE 22: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT
Narrator
I drove around in my family’s Ford Taurus when I had the chance. I drove too fast. I didn’t take care of the car the way I should’ve. But I had fun.
Mike
Hey pussy, I’m going to run your ass over!
MIKE DRIVES HIS CAR AT CHAD
Chad
Bring it bitch!
MIKE DRIVES HIS CAR CLOSE TO CHAZ, AND COMES TO A SCREECHING HALT. CHAD JUMPS ON TOP OF THE CAR.
Mike
Damn! I guess you win this round.
SCENE 23: INT. SCHOOL LOBBY
Narrator
As soon as we started driving, girls started agreeing to be seen in public with me and my friends.
Karen
Hey guys. We should hang out after school. I’ll make brownies.
Narrator
Karen was the first girl who tore my friends apart. She was nice, but could get my boys to fight over the STUPIDEST shit.
Mark
Brownies! Sweet!
Brad (whispers to Mike)
That has got to be code for something!
Karen
So I’ll see you guys at my place. 3:30?
Chad
God himself couldn’t stop me.
Karen
Great. See you guys later.
KAREN EXITS
Mark
Don’t say stupid shit like that.
Brad
Yeah asshole, don’t fucking swear when talking about goddamn Jesus Christ.
Mike
Nice blasphemy. Hey, I’m not driving out there.
Brad
You drive Hartman.
Hartman
Okay. But I need to get gas first.
Brad
Damn, your bug must get like 1/10th of a mile per gallon.
Hartman
Hey, at least I can drive.
Brad
I’ll drive you!
Hartman
Okay Brad. That really makes a lot of sense.
Narrator
Karen and Brad started dating. But for some reason she hated that he cheated on her repeatedly.
Karen
God, you’re such a dick Brad.
Brad
But you love this dick!
Karen
That’s it. I’m done. We’re over!
Brad
Your loss sugar. Your loss.
Narrator
Possibly to spite Brad, she started dating Hartman shortly after. Brad didn’t think twice about her until he learned Hartman was going out with her.
SCENE 24: INT. HIGH SCHOOL AT HARTMAN’S LOCKER
Brad
Hartman, what the fuck?
Hartman
What the fuck to you too.
Brad
You know what I mean? How could you date Karen?
Hartman
Well, it’s pretty simple. You guys broke up. She asked me out, and I said yes.
Brad
She asked you out? What kind of man are you anyway?
Hartman
Look, you’re done. She likes me. What do you want me to do?
Brad
Break up with her.
Hartman
Why? You guys are through.
Brad
Bros before hoes Hartman.
Mike
Come on Brad. Last week you had three dates with three different chicks.
Brad
Doesn’t matter. Karen is the only one I actually love.
Mike
But you cheated on her, and you know you’d do it again.
Brad
Maybe.
Mike
No, definitely.
Brad
Probably. But Hartman still shouldn’t date her. That’s a rule.
Mike
Brad, if Hartman couldn’t date a girl just because you want to bang her, he’d never date anyone.
Brad
Correction: I’ve already banged this girl.
Mike
So if you have sex with a chick she’s off limits for life?
Brad
Not always. It varies from chick to chick.
Hartman
Look Brad. I like her. She likes me. That’s that.
Brad
Well then big man, don’t call me a friend any more.
Hartman
Fine.
Brad
Fine.
BRAD EXITS. HARTMAN EXITS.
Mike (sarcastically)
That went well.
SCENE 25: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT
Narrator
Once Karen found out Brad was mad, she let it be known that she and Hartman were dating.
Karen
Hey guys, Phil and I are going to the movies tonight.
Brad
First of all, that’s Hartman. Second, he’s no friend of ours.
Mike
That’s great Karen. Have fun.
Narrator
But Karen realized that making Brad jealous wasn’t worth the price of being with Hartman.
CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE THEATRE PARKING LOT
Karen
Hey Phil. What do you want to do now that the movie’s over?
Hartman
I don’t know.
Karen
Do you want to get something to eat?
Hartman
Okay.
Karen
Where do you like to eat?
Hartman
I don’t care.
CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT TABLE
Karen
So, how’s soccer going?
Hartman
It’s all right.
Karen
Great. I think a guy I date should be fun.
Hartman
That’s good.
Karen
So do you know any good stories?
Hartman
Not really.
KAREN AND HARTMAN SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS. KAREN TURNS AROUND FROM HER SEAT, LOOKS AT THE CAMERA, AND ROLLS HER EYES.
Narrator
Karen broke up with Hartman less than a month after they started dating.
SCENE 26: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
Now that we were mature men of sixteen, we were expected to work.
Ma
Hey Mike, I think you should get a job.
Mike
But I have my whole life to work.
Ma
No time like the present.
Mike
All right, all right.
Narrator
My first job was at McCollough’s Soft Serve Ice Cream Shop. I made ice cream cones for less than five bucks an hour. I know it’s hard to believe, but for several weeks, I sucked at making ice cream cones. I was fucking up and I knew it.
CUT TO: INT. MCCOLLOUGH’S SOFT SERVE
Boss
Look Mike, this isn’t rocket science.
Mike
I know, I know.
Boss
Well quit knowing and get to making.
MIKE MAKES AN AWFUL LOOKING CONE
Boss
It’s too small. That’s going to make the customers mad!
MIKE MAKES ANOTHER AWFUL LOOKING CONE
Boss
Now that one’s too big. You don’t want to dip into profits! You’ll put me out of business.
Narrator
Despite my initial struggles, I got the hang of it. Mark started out at a local pizza shop.
CUT TO: INT. PIZZA SHOP
Manager
Hey hero, let’s go on the dough.
Mark
Fo’ sho bro!
Manager
What?
Mark
Nothing. Right on it.
Narrator
Mark liked his job. And he’d “accidentally” screw pizzas up so we could have some.
CUT TO: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Mark
Hey, I just happened to botch an extra large with extra pepperoni and sausage!
Mike
Score!
CUT TO: EXT. GROCERY STORE
Narrator
Chad worked at a local grocery store. It was a boring job, but he got to steal beer.
Chad
Man, I can’t believe how much old people bitch about coupons. But at least I got this:
CHAD LIFTS A 12 PACK OF BUDWEISER BEER OUT OF HIS BOOKBAG
Mark
Chad! Crime does not pay.
Chad
Maybe not normally, but this one sure does!
CHAD OPENS A BEER AND DRINKS IT
Chad
Ah! Now that’s the sweet taste of crime!
SCENE 27: INT. LIBRARY
Narrator
Hartman had a job at the town library.
Mike
I love the library, but man what a shit job.
Brad
Nothing happening here.
Mike
No people anywhere near our age.
Brad
Old ladies and families with young kids. Nothing going on.
BRAD AND MIKE WALK TO A CHECK OUT DESK HARTMAN OPERATES
Brad
I want this book.
Hartman
I’m sorry, this is a reference book.
Brad
Hey man, don’t suppress my knowledge.
Hartman
Brad stop it right now!
Brad
The customer is always right, so get my book now!
Hartman
Brad this is not the place for this.
Brad
I’ll tell you what this place is. A place that was built on my tax dollars.
Hartman
Brad, you’re being an idiot.
Brad
What did you just say? I know I wasn’t just insulted by an employee of our fine pubic library!
Librarian
What is the problem here?
Brad
I’ll tell you the problem sir. The problem is that Americans can’t read freely because of bureaucrats like you.
Librarian
I think you need to leave.
Brad (louder)
You can silence me, but you can’t silence the truth! People will continue to seek knowledge despite your oppression!
BRAD EXITS THE LIBRARY IN DRAMATIC FASHION
Mike
All right, guess I’ll see you later.
MIKE EXITS THE LIBRARY CALMLY
SCENE 28: INT. KFC
Narrator
Brad did a lot of things, all briefly. He worked at KFC.
BRAD IS POSITIONED AT A COUNTER
Brad
Man, let me eat some of this chicken right here.
Customer
Excuse me, can I order?
BRAD EATS EXTRA CRISPY CHICKEN
Brad
I think you should get the extra crispy. It’s outstanding.
CUT TO: INT. GROCERY STORE
Narrator
A grocery store,
Customer
Excuse me, can you help me?
Brad
I’m on smoke break right now. Just get that dude over there.
CUT TO: INT. STATEHOUSE
Narrator
And actually had a real job in Columbus working with the Republican Party. He didn’t take it too seriously.
Brad
Man, let me tell you what them drugs need: To be snorted by me!
BRAD SNORTS COCAINE OFF THE TOILET WITH ANOTHER GUY
Narrator
But none of them ever lasted all that long for some reason.
SCENE 29: INT. GYM
Narrator
Now that we were semi-responsible, part-time workers, we had to make plans to hang out.
Brad
Why the fuck would I get up that early just to play basketball?
Mike
Intramural league. It’s free and we could chill before school.
Brad
Fuck it, why not?
Narrator
We formed a team called The Hartman All-Stars. We woke up at ridiculously early hours to play ball against other teams full of kids who couldn’t make the real team.
Mark
I’m going to dunk all over them.
Mike
What?
Mark
By which I mean I hope to make a lay up at some point.
Mike
I like your dunking methods.
Narrator
Brad played on a few occasions right after he’d been partying all night.
BRAD ENTERS WEARING A LARGE TOP HAT
Ref
Brad, you cannot wear that hat and play basketball!
Brad
Yes I can, look!
BRAD THROWS THE BALL TOWARDS THE HOOP. IT MISSES THE RIM.
Ref
This is a disgrace! Either you take off the hat, or you’ll be banned from league play.
Brad
All over a hat. Heavens to Betsy!
BRAD TAKES OFF THE HAT AND THROWS IT ON THE GROUND
Ref
That’s a technical foul on red.
Narrator
We never took it too seriously. After all, why would we? To win an intramural league trophy?
Hartman
Nice one Brad.
Brad
Hey, plenty more where that came from. I’ve got this crazy rainbow wig over there.
Narrator
Not many teachers liked Brad. He questioned too much. But he had valid reasons.
SCENE 30: INT. SCIENCE CLASS ROOM
Narrator
Our biology teacher was a nice lady, but she clearly let religion influence her teaching.
Bio Teacher
Newton’s laws state that nothing can come into creation without first having a creator. This is called intelligent design. There is a strong case for an intelligent designer.
CUT TO: HALLWAY
Brad
I’m guessing we won’t hear the Buddhist version of creation.
Mike
Probably not.
Chad
Who cares? I just want the bullshit they tell us to be easy for the test.
Mark
Nice guys. I’m sure you all have bright futures.
SCENE 31: INT. CHURCH CLASS ROOM
Narrator
Not that we weren’t curious about God. I went to Bible studies with Brad. We were both seeking. But Bible studies produced mixed results, at best.
Danielle
Wicked music encourages sinful behavior.
Rachel
Alcohol and drugs lead to danger.
Brad
But music and booze are good. And Jesus turned water into wine.
Rachel
The wine of Jesus was representative of the blood of the lamb.
Sam
Jesus despised drunkenness and the dangers of premarital sex.
Kim
And the way sin is glorified on TV.
Mike
You think TV was around when Jesus was alive?
Kim
I’m saying Jesus wants you to glorify him with what you watch.
Danielle
Kids who aren’t saved don’t know any better.
Rachel
They’re lost without the love of Jesus.
Sam
You’re obligated to help the suffering reach salvation.
CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT
Mike
Well, at least they don’t sit on the fence on the Jesus issue.
Brad
I love Jesus, but sometimes his fans are wacko.
SCENE 32: EXT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
An odd incident accelerated Brad’s interest in Jesus.
Brad
Hey boy, pass me that puck right here.
Narrator
Brad and I were fooling around one afternoon, passing a hockey puck when his neighbor walked by with some friends. Brad had many petty feuds. But this time, things went too far.
DANDY AND FEW OF HIS FRIENDS WALK BY
Dandy
Hey Brad, you should play a real sport.
Brad
Maybe old fashioned dick suck, like you and your brother?
Dandy
Fuck you man, take it back.
Brad
I ain’t taking back shit and you can’t make me.
Dandy
Yeah? Just fucking watch.
Brad
Whatever dickhead, I’m not afraid of you.
Dandy
If you aren’t inside by the time I come back…
Brad
What? You going to keep making lame wannabee threats?
DANDY AND HIS FRIENDS EXIT
Mike
Come on Brad. We don’t need any trouble. Let’s go in.
Brad
Man, fuck that guy. This is my house. I can do whatever I want. See they’re already gone.
Mike
Yeah, but what if they come back?
Brad
Fuck him. He’s been talking shit for years and ain’t done shit.
Mike
Just take it easy if they come back.
MIKE AND BRAD PASS A HOCKEY PUCK. DANDY AND HIS FRIENDS RETURN.
Dandy
You’re still here.
DANDY HOLDS A POOL CUE
Brad
No shit, I live here asshole. Hey nice dildo.
Dandy
Fucking smart ass.
BRAD TURNS AROUND WITH HIS BACK TO DANDY. DANDY CRACKS BRAD OVER THE SKULL WITH A POOL CUE.
Brad
What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh shit, I’m bleeding.
BRAD RUNS INSIDE THE HOUSE. DANDY AND HIS FRIENDS RUN AWAY. MIKE FOLLOWS BRAD INTO BRAD’S HOUSE.
CUT TO: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Mike
Call 911.
Barb
What’s wrong?
Mike
Brad’s hurt.
Brad
That motherfucker, that dumb son of a bitch…
Mike
Come on man, take it easy.
Brad
Damn.
Barb
Let’s get Brad to a hospital.
Narrator
Brad spent a few days in the hospital. He recovered, but he transferred to a Christian school.
SCENE 33: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
Brad had a lot of girls he fooled around with. But the first one he stayed with for more than a few weeks was a girl he met at his new Christian school named Jilly.
Brad
Man let me tell you boys, Jilly got sweet tits til’ Tuesday.
Narrator
Brad gave up certain unholy habits like smoking while he went to the Christian school. But no God could keep Brad from women.
Brad
I was sucking on them thinking, man, God must be a dude.
Narrator
Jilly would’ve died of embarrassment if she knew how candid Brad was about their sex life.
Brad
Boy, Jilly has this totally hot friend. I actually tried to bang her, but she said no.
Mike
Why would she go out with me?
Brad
Because Jilly lied to her about what a nice guy you are.
Mike
Thanks. That’s just what I need to hear.
Brad
All you need to do is act like you have a little confidence.
Mike
But I don’t.
Brad
That’s why I said act. Please, it takes years to be as smooth as me.
Mike
Naturally.
Brad
Most guys don’t have the balls to let chicks know what they want. They know you want them.
Mike
Makes sense.
Brad
You have to know that for some reason, they want us too. And since all guys are basically the same, it might as well be you.
Mike
I don’t know…
Brad
Come on man. You got nothing to lose.
Mike
Fuck it. Let’s roll.
Narrator
So that was how I agreed to go on my first date.
SCENE 34: INT. JILLY’S HOUSE
Mike
Hey Jilly. You look nice.
Jilly
Oh thanks.
Brad
Easy Mike. This one’s mine.
Mike
I nearly forgot. Make sure you brand her so guys will know.
Brad
Not a bad idea.
Jilly
I’m ignoring that. Mike, I’d like you to meet my friend, Sara.
Mike
Hey Sara.
MIKE AND SARA SHAKE HANDS
Sara
Nice to meet you.
Mike
The feeling is mutual.
Sara
Excuse me?
Mike
Nothing, it’s from The Naked Gun.
Sara
The naked what?
BRAD WHISPERS TO MIKE
Brad
Easy on the dork talk.
Mike
Nothing. It’s just one of the greatest movies of all-time.
Sara
Oh, movies. I don’t watch a lot of them. I’m too busy.
Mike
Gotcha. Well, shall we make our way to the delicious buffet of Pizza Hut?
Sara
Is it a buffet? Those are like, totally disgusting.
Mike
Very well, we shall skip the buffet. Straight to the movies.
Brad
Seriously Mike, just relax.
Mike
I’ll relax more if you quit demanding that I relax.
SCENE 35: INT. MOVIE THEATRE
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE OUT
Mike
So, uh, you’re a sophomore right?
Sara
Yes. Only two more years before I get to live how I want.
Mike
I hear you. God, that’ll be sweet.
Sara
You know you shouldn’t swear.
Mike
What are you talking about?
Sara
Taking the Lord’s name in vain. That’s the worst one.
Mike
Oh, sorry. I didn’t think about it.
Sara
Yeah, well you should. Jilly.
BRAD AND JILLY CONTINUE MAKING OUT
Sara (loud whisper)
Jilly! Jilly!
Brad
Easy psycho!
Sara
What did you call me?
Brad
Psycho. Chill the hell out.
Sara
I want to go. Let’s leave.
Brad
Fine. Mike why don’t you drive?
Mike
Okay, sure.
SCENE 36: INT. CAR
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE OUT IN THE BACK SEAT
Sara
So do you have a job?
Mike
Oh yeah, I work at an ice cream shop. It’s pretty sweet.
Sara
Is that some sort of joke?
Mike
Eh, not a good one. What about you, do you work?
Sara
I have an internship at my father’s law office.
Mike
That sounds interesting.
Sara
It’s not. I hate every second of it.
Mike
Oh, well what do you like to do for fun?
Sara
Lots of stuff. I like travelling to ski resorts and shopping at fancy boutiques. What about you?
Mike
I like music, books, and movies.
Sara
Oh.
BRAD AND JILLY MAKE LOUD GIGGLY NOISES. MIKE APPEARS TENSE, SARA APPEARS ANNOYED.
Mike
I like funny stuff. Do you like funny stuff?
Sara
I don’t have the time.
Mike
Right. You must have an active life.
Sara
Yes. I do.
Mike
Great.
Narrator
The next day I went over to Brad’s house.
SCENE 37: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Mike
So, should I call her?
Brad
Uh listen Mike…
Mike
I mean, she’s definitely cute, right?
Brad
Sure, that’s not the issue.
Mike
Issue? There’s an issue?
Brad
Well see Mike, Jilly and I were talking…
Mike
Okay. And?
Brad
Well see the thing about girls like Sara is…
Mike
What? Just say it.
Brad
She doesn’t like you.
Mike
Wow. She said that?
Brad
Not exactly. Don’t sweat it bro, you’re just not her type.
Mike
Man.
Brad
You okay?
Mike
Yeah, it sucks, but I guess I didn’t really know her that well.
Brad
You didn’t know her at all, so fuck it.
Mike
Yeah, I guess.
Brad
No worries boy. There’s a billion fish in the sweet lady sea.
Mike
That’s a comforting thought.
Narrator
I didn’t exactly ace my first date. And even though I didn’t have any more dates throughout the rest of the summer, I had fun working at the ice cream shop and hanging out with my friends. I felt like junior year was going to be even better.
SCENE 38: EXT. SOCCER FIELD
Narrator
Brad came back to our school for junior year. But he was declared ineligible for soccer due to some transfer credit crap.
Mike
I’m sorry you can’t play Brad. We miss having you.
Brad
Yeah, it sucks. I’ll just yell at your ass from the sidelines.
Narrator
Whenever he wasn’t too stoned to show up to our games, he did.
Coach
Good job tonight guys. Your first win this year! Courtesy of the boosters, you get victory pizzas.
Narrator
Perhaps it was the feeling of elation that comes from finally getting a victory when playing for a losing team. But I felt like a real challenge that night.
Mike
Mark, we need to set a record!
Mark
What kind?
Mike
A pizza slamming challenge. Let’s eat two larges. I have faith that we can do it.
Mark
We just played soccer!
Mike
I know. That’s part of what makes it challenging!
Mark
This sounds like a bad idea. I’m in!
CUT TO: MIKE AND MARK THROWING TWO PIZZA CARTONS INTO THE TRASH.
Mark
That was the worst and the best idea we’ve ever had.
Mike
I lean towards best, but my toilet is probably going to say worst soon.
Narrator
Our soccer team lost almost all of our games that year. Which meant that we were even more ignored by our football crazy town.
SCENE 39: INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Narrator
Football players were required to wear a shirt and tie and Fridays to respect game day. Brad and Chad wore shirts and ties to show that they were on their “game day” for partying.
Tyler
Shit, we have to wear this dumb assed gear. But yall choose to wear it. That’s fucking crazy!
Brad
Well, we can’t be in your game. So we try to enjoy ours.
Mike
I’m shocked that those Neanderthals don’t kick your asses!
Brad
Why? It’s pretty funny.
Chad
Yeah, everyone knows we take our game quite seriously!
Mike
Speaking of which, we do have a soccer game tomorrow.
Chad
That’s what’s great about being a goalie; you can show up to games hung over and play better.
Mike
How do you figure?
Brad
Magic Mike. It’s the power of beer.
SCENE 40: EXT. FOOTBALL GAME
Narrator
Football games were a lot of fun, because it was the one place where we could hang out with the hottest chicks in school with a guarantee that none of the football players would be there.
Mark
Damn man. That’s a lot of booze.
Brad
Man, them security guards never see shit. And what good is a football game if you can’t drink?
Mike
I’ll try to enjoy it sober somehow.
BRAD SPEAKS TO A FEW GIRLS
Brad
Evening ladies. Who’s going to paint a letter on my chest?
Megan
Gross. Get lost Brad.
Brad
I am lost, in a sea of love.
Mike
Man, that dude never stops.
Chad
And rarely succeeds.
Brad
At least I’m getting some pussy!
Hartman
Hey someone just scored a touchdown.
Brad
Who gives a shit?
Mike
Imagine this many people at a soccer game.
Chad
I can’t imagine more than our parents at our games.
Mark
It’s not a popularity contest.
Mike
Good thing, because we’d be getting our asses kicked.
Brad
Word. Bet you a fiver I get that chick’s number!
Mike
Done. Good luck tiger!
SCENE 41: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
I got really into trying to find the meaning of life my junior year. Brad’s Mom Barb was the only adult I knew in my hometown who was into Buddhism. I asked her a lot of questions.
Mike
What should I do with my life?
Barb
Do what you believe is best.
Mike
Well yeah, of course. But how do I find what’s best?
Barb
Each person determines their own answer. Many paths go to God.
Mike
Which God should we believe in?
Barb
There’s nothing but God, humans call it many different names.
Mike
Can we understand God?
Barb
The important thing is to find peace.
Mike
Does this life ever make sense?
Barb
No, not really. But you can enjoy more if you can find peace.
Mike
Why can’t things be easier?
Barb
I don’t know. But they aren’t for me, and they probably won’t be for you either.
Mike
Where should I go next?
Barb
That’s a tough one. Go where you think you’ll serve a purpose.
Mike
Who am I?
Barb
You’re a human being, made in the image of an all-powerful, all-loving God.
Mike
What do I need to do before I die?
Barb
You probably have a lot of time left honey. You should try to enjoy yourself for now.
Mike
Does my life mean anything?
Barb
Of course. Every person who makes life better for others has meaning.
Mike
What if I was about to transcend illumination?
Barb
I don’t know what that means.
Mike
Me either. But it sounded deep. Just wanted to see it you were fully paying attention.
Barb
I was. Ask better questions.
Mike
Good call. What was meaningful about the past?
Barb
Whatever you decide was.
Mike
Have I been a good person?
Barb
I think so. Don’t you?
Mike
I’m not so sure. I haven’t harmed others, but I haven’t done anything great to help much either.
Barb
Most good people feel that way sometimes. Just keep doing good deeds and watch what happens.
Mike
Why does life seem so cruel at times?
Barb
Sometimes it is cruel. Getting sick, watching others suffer, and dying aren’t pleasant for anyone. But these things are a part of life.
Mike
Is the entire point of life to serve Jesus Christ?
Barb
For you it might be. Other people feel called to serve other gurus, masters, or teachers.
Mike
Is morality objective or subjective?
Barb
I don’t know. I think most people know when they’re doing right, but some people give up.
Mike
Why do people interpret The Bible in so many different ways?
Barb
Because it was written by a bunch of different folks. Some people use God to justify their hate.
Mike
Why does a loving God allow suffering?
Barb
I don’t know. Maybe we only become better when we struggle.
Mike
Why does the world seem so unfair?
Barb
It is. I don’t see any way around that.
Mike
Is there anything that makes life worth living?
Barb
Lots of things. For me it is good food, good drinks, cigarettes, and sleep. But you have to try to find what makes you happy.
Mike
Will anything we do last?
Barb
I don’t know. Probably for a while. But it’s hard to tell.
Mike
How should I treat others?
Barb
Give everyone the benefit of doubt until they prove you wrong.
Mike
What if I’m wrong?
Barb
You probably are, and probably will be about some things at times for the rest of your life.
Mike
That’s a downer.
Barb
Nobody’s perfect. Why don’t you eat the chicken in the kitchen?
Mike
Now that makes perfect sense.
SCENE 42: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE, THE BASEMENT
Narrator
Brad served as a spiritual adviser of mine as well, but in a completely different way.
Brad
How can sex be wrong? It’s how we all got here!
Mike
Sex isn’t wrong. Sex outside of marriage is wrong.
Brad
Have you had sex?
Mike
You know I haven’t.
Brad
Well then how can you say it’s wrong?
Mike
Let me answer that question with a question: Have you ever chugged poison?
Brad
What do you think?
Mike
Of course you haven’t. How do you know it’s bad?
Brad
Man, that’s just stupid.
Mike
My point is you don’t always have to personally experience something to know that it isn’t good.
Brad
You’re a real wise ass sometimes.
Mike
I am what I am.
Brad
Well, while your virgin ass is unsure how to get women when you’re older, I’ll have banged hundreds of women all over the place. They’ll come flocking to me for this sweet schlong.
Mike
Keep dreaming.
Brad
Oh, I will. I’ll dream and get as much ass as I can.
SCENE 43: EXT. CORN FIELD
Narrator
Brad tried to fulfill his dream at Green Lane. Green Lane was a place in the middle of nowhere where we partied. There two farm houses nearby, but it was pretty much deserted. No rules.
Brad
Give me a beer bitch!
Mark
I’ll give you more that that, ya’ hoebag!
Chad
This is what life’s about gentleman. Beer, bitches, and bros.
Brad
You keep the bros. I’m all about the hoes tonight.
Narrator
They weren’t really hoes. But the girls we knew were naturally sexually curious, and deciding whether or not to be hoes.
Mike
I bet you won’t call them hoes to their faces.
Brad
You don’t call a hoe a hoe. Then they ain’t a hoe no’ mo.
Mark
Well aren’t you poetic?
Narrator
God, we were clueless.
CARRIE, MARY, NICOLE, JILL, AND KATHY ENTER
Brad
All right man, game time.
Chaz
Evening ladies.
Carrie
Are you guys already drunk?
Brad
Maybe. But the night is young.
Narrator
But instead of getting with a new woman, Brad reconnected with his old girlfriend Karen.
CUT TO: BRAD AND KAREN HOLDING HANDS AND SIPPING BEERS
Marc
Oh, you know Karen’s folks are going to love this.
Mike
About as much as Garth Brooks fans love Snoop Dogg.
SCENE 44: INT. BRAD’S CAR
Narrator
Brad earned a negative reputation and resorted to sneaking around to have his way with women.
Brad
Come on man! I love this chick and I really want to bang her!
Mike
Wait, I’m confused about your intentions.
Brad
Yeah, very funny. Look, just come pick me up at 2:30.
Mike
Fine. Don’t be late. I don’t want to drive around all day because you want extra sucky fucky.
Brad
Who wouldn’t?
Mike
Just be ready on time this time.
Brad
All right, all right.
BRAD GETS OUT OF THE CAR AT KAREN’S
Karen
Hey Mike.
Mike
Hey. I’ll see you guys in a bit.
Narrator
So I’d drive. It actually wasn’t bad. While Brad got laid I practiced crazy driving stunts.
Mike
Hmm. Let’s see if this thing really can do 120.
MIKE DRIVES FAST AND PUTS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW
Mike
Oh shit yeah. That’s good stuff.
Narrator
I got back at 2:28, expecting Brad to be late. But not this time.
BRAD RUNS OUT OF KAREN’S HOUSE WEARING UNDERWEAR AND HOLDS THE REST OF HIS CLOTHES IN HIS HAND
Brad
Mike! Mike!
Mike
Oh shit!
Jerry
If I ever see you again I’ll have you arrested!
Brad
Mike! Mike!
Narrator
For one shining moment, I got to be a getaway driver…
BRAD SPRINTS TO THE CAR AND JUMPS INTO IT
Brad
Mike! Fucking go man!
Mike (calmly)
What seems to be the trouble Bradley?
Brad
Fucking go!
MIKE PEELS OUT
Mike
Jesus, you actually looked rattled.
Brad
Her dickhead Dad pulled a gun on me!
Mike
No way!
Brad
Oh yeah! I think I better be sneakier next time.
Mike
You’re going back?
Brad
You don’t stop eating just because you get food poisoning.
Mike
Yeah, but you at least puke your guts out for a few days first. You really are crazy!
Brad
Shit, as long as I’m alive, I’m not staying away from a girl like that. Woo doggie!
Mike
As long as you learned your lesson.
SCENE 45: INT. BRAD’S CAR
Narrator
Brad just had a lust for life. He loved Yellow Springs, a local town with hippie music fests.
Brad
Boy I’m telling you I met Dave Chappelle!
Narrator
It was also where Brad could score weed. Brad always had exaggerated tales from his trips to Yellow Springs.
Mike
Dude, you did not meet Dave Chappelle!
Brad
Bullshit. I swear to God, I was smoking weed with him at this head shop in Yellow Springs!
Mike
Where was this magical place again?
Brad
Like I told you, I was too high to remember. But Chappelle was there.
Mike
How are you going to lie to people like that?
Brad
He’s a funny motherfucker. He was all like, pretending to play a bongo and shit. It was great.
Mike
Whatever. Just let me drive on the way home.
Brad
Right on my man. Right on.
SCENE 46: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
Brad loved music. He’d go to every festival possible. He’d even skip school to do so.
Brad
Let me tell you what I’m going to do. Every chick I can. Every drink I can. Every pill I can. Every smoke I can. It’s going to be a hell of a weekend.
Mike
I can’t go.
Brad
What do you mean you can’t go?
Mike
I can’t go. I’m mowing my Grandparent’s yard this weekend.
Brad
Man, fuck that. I’m talking about sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. And you’re going to cut grass?
Mike
Gotta take care of family man.
Brad
I think you’re crazy.
Mike
And I think you’re crazy. But much love bro.
Brad
Much love. Enjoy snipping those blades while I’m out living.
SCENE 47: INT. URBAN COFFEE SHOP
Narrator
Inspired by the folks he met at festivals, Brad decided to start performing in various ways in Columbus around Ohio State’s campus for open mic nights. I usually just watched.
BRAD READS A POEM AT AN OPEN MIKE STAGE
Brad
Awake in the evening
And I done my fair share of things
When I think about where
I’ve been, the thoughts
A smile it brings
Because it seems
That the Lord speaks to me
A higher understanding
Of an obtuse reality
A smile on my face
Understanding that I have
That there was peace
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS MILDLY
Narrator
The first public performance I ever had was reading Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey, to a group of coffeehouse folk poetry fans. It didn’t go over well, but I didn’t care.
Brad
Do you think the people dug my shit?
Mike
I don’t know, but definitely more than the jokes I read. Yikes!
Brad
Fuck it, let’s hit the bar!
SCENE 48: INT. BAR
Narrator
At least once a week, we’d go to a bar in Columbus that had a 10 cent wing night. While we couldn’t legally drink, Brad found a way. The rest of us played pool and devoured cheap wings.
Brad
In order to sit at this table you must have been with at least 8 women. Unless you are Hartman. Then you must have been with at least 800 women.
Hartman
Okay Brad.
Mike
Medium spicy wings are best.
Chad
That shit’s too hot for me. Got to go with mild.
Brad
You’re a bunch of pussies. Go blazin’ hot or don’t go at all.
Mike
What kind of chick is going to want you if you just ate a bunch of ultra spicy crap?
Brad
The kind of woman I want!
Mark
So you want a fat, spicy psycho?
Brad
I like a woman and a chicken with meat on the bones!
Mark
I’d rather have my chicks like soft drinks: Cheap, sweet, and endless refills!
SCENE 49: INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Narrator
Despite hanging with fools, Mark had near perfect grades. But he didn’t take honors classes freshmen year. He had no chance to be the top student in our class. It drove him nuts.
Mark
I wish I had just taken honors classes freshmen year. I might have some scholarships.
Mike
Relax. You still can get into a great school.
Mark
I’m as good as any of them. They have to take me for National Honors Society this year.
Narrator
National Honors Society included all of the grade grubbing folks in school. A lot of schools apparently had similar clubs. For some reason, getting in meant a great deal to Mark.
Mark
I better get in.
Mike
Come on. You’re smart whether you get in or not.
Mark
Yeah, I know. It’d be nice to get in formally though.
Mike
Okay. Good luck.
Narrator
NHS didn’t accept Mark as a sophomore. He was pissed. The next year we decided to fight back. But word got out.
RICK APPROACHES MIKE AND MARK
Rick
Principal Alvin would like to talk.
SCENE 50: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE
Narrator
Our principal wasn’t a bad guy. But he was all business and tried to act tougher than he was.
Principal
I know you boys are planning to drop bouncy balls at the ceremony today.
MIKE, MARK, AND BRAD REMAIN SILENT
Principal
Don’t play dumb. I have my sources. Let me assure you that will not happen.
Brad
No bouncy balls Mr. Principal, sir. You have my word.
MARK AND MIKE GIVE BRAD AN ASTONISHED LOOK
Principal
I assume this is the case for all of you.
Mike
Yes sir.
Marc
Yes.
Principal
I don’t want any disrespect at assemblies. Is this clear?
Mark, Brad, and Mike (in unison)
Yes sir.
Principal
Return to your classes.
SCENE 51: INT. CAFETERIA
Mike
I don’t get it. Who ratted us out?
Mark
Brad, you told a bunch of people, didn’t you?
Brad
How could I resist? The glory of a prank like this is rare!
Chad
Well now what? Are we just going to do nothing?
Brad
He told us we couldn’t disrespect them. But he didn’t say we couldn’t embarrass ourselves.
Mike
Hmm. I like the way you think.
SCENE 52: INT. GYM
Pat
And now, the National Honors Society.
MIKE, BRAD, MARK, AND CHAD HOLD UP NEON SIGNS THAT READ “NHS REJECTS.” THE CROWD LAUGHS. MIKE, BRAD, MARK, AND CHAD ARE LED AWAY FROM THE ASSEMBLY BY A TEACHER.
SCENE 53: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE
Brad
No, you don’t get it, we are the NHS rejects.
Principal
I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want any disrespect.
Mike
No disrespect intended sir.
Principal
You’ll be suspended from assemblies for the rest of the year.
SCENE 54: INT. DETENTION HALL
Brad
I don’t think this is that bad for a punishment. Most assemblies suck ass anyway.
A GUY NEXT TO MIKE IS ASLEEP
Mike
That’s true.
Brad
Fuck it, nap time.
BRAD GOES TO SLEEP
SCENE 55: EXT. TENNIS COURT
Narrator
Fortunately, none of our pranks ever got us suspended from sports. All of us but Brad played tennis. Our team was bad. Our coach was a good man, but he knew nothing about tennis.
Tennis coach
All right Mike. Bear down.
Mike (To Mark)
Bear down? What does that even mean?
Mark
I think it’s something like dig deep, or kick ass. It’s just general encouragement.
Mike
That knowledge will come in handy one day. Hey, maybe we should hit some balls at cars?
Mark
Agreed.
MIKE AND MARK HIT TENNIS BALLS AT CARS
Narrator
Our efforts may have contributed to our less than stellar record.
SCENE 56: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
During tennis season, I finally achieved a life long goal. A girl agreed to go out with me!
Mike
Yeah, I think Katie is my girlfriend now.
Mark
Have you DTR’ed?
Mike
I don’t think so. We haven’t gotten involved like that yet.
Mark
No man, DTR: Define the relationship.
Mike
Oh, we haven’t contacted the local paper with an announcement or anything.
Mark
Look, chicks like to do that sort of thing.
Mike
I’ll try to do it right then.
Narrator
Katie was a sophomore when we started going out. I didn’t want to screw up. I tried so hard not to, I constantly did.
MIKE AND KATIE TALK TO EACH OTHER ON PHONES
Katie
Hey Mike, you should come over tonight.
Mike
I can’t do that! Your Mom won’t be there. I don’t want to betray her trust.
Katie
Really? Okay. Um…
Mike
How about if I come over when she’s there?
Katie
Uh, okay. That’s fine, I guess.
Mike
Great. See you then.
Narrator
I was nice, but not a dream boyfriend. That was confirmed a few months after we’d been dating.
Katie
So you know how me and Hartman went to the Cheesecake Factory?
Mike
Yeah sure. I hope you had fun.
Katie
Well, something happened.
Mike
Well of course something happened. I didn’t expect you two to just stare at walls all day.
Katie
I mean, something that I shouldn’t have done…
Mike
You mean like eat too much?
Katie
Well see, Hartman and I we kind of, uh, had our own fun.
Mike
I figured that. People generally try to enjoy life.
Katie
What I mean is that Hartman and I fooled around.
Mike
Wait, fooled around like how?
Katie
Like, you know, in a way that I shouldn’t have.
Mike
Are you telling me that you and Hartman hooked up?
Katie
Mike, I never meant to hurt you.
Mike
Wow. Yeah. I’m going to…
Katie
Mike, it didn’t mean anything.
Mike
Huh, okay, I’m going to get going.
MIKE HANGS UP THE PHONE. MIKE DIALS THE PHONE AND CALLS HARTMAN.
Hartman
Hello.
Mike
I just got off the phone with Katie.
Hartman
Oh.
Mike
She said that you and her fooled around. Is it true?
Hartman
What? Oh, no.
Mike
So she lied to me?
Hartman
I guess so.
Mike
Huh. That’s so fucked up. Well, I’m sorry if I accused you of something you didn’t do.
Hartman
It’s okay.
Mike
Man, what a horrible thing, to lie to someone you trust.
Hartman
Yeah.
Mike
If nothing happened between you two, I guess she just didn’t want to be with me.
Hartman
I guess not.
Mike
Okay then, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Hartman
Okay, bye.
MIKE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD
SCENE 57: INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Narrator
The next day, I found out who told the truth. Gossip that Hartman stole my girl spread fast. Hartman was absent that day.
Mark
Oh man Mike. I’m sorry.
Mike
I actually don’t want to talk about it now.
Brad
I’ll kick his ass if you want.
Mike
Let me at least talk to him first Brad.
Chad
That is some cold shit.
Mike
Yep.
Brad
You should at least gouge his eyes out.
Mike
I’ll handle it Brad.
SCENE 58: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I called Hartman right after school.
MIKE MAKES A CALL ON THE TELEPHONE
Mike
Hartman, what’s going on?
Hartman
Well, here’s the thing. I didn’t want you to find out.
Mike
Didn’t want me to find out? How did you think I’d miss that?
Hartman
I don’t know.
Mike
Not only did you do it, you lied about it. That’s so wrong. You have no balls. I don’t have anything more to say to you.
MIKE HANGS UP THE PHONE
SCENE 59: EXT. BASKETBALL HOOP AT MIKE’S HOUSE
MARK AND MIKE ARE SHOOTING HOOPS
Mike
It’s weird being cheated on.
Marc
I’ll bet.
Mike
Hartman? What does she see in him?
Mark
I have no idea.
Mike
What a dick.
Mark
Yeah, it was a real dick move.
Mike
I mean, I know Katie and I weren’t madly in love or anything. But who does that to a friend?
Mark
So I guess you won’t be going to prom then?
Mike
No, I think I’m going to sit this one out. Have fun though.
Mark
Oh, I will.
SCENE 60: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Mike
Look, all I’m saying is that welfare wouldn’t be necessary if people did more for themselves.
Mark
True. But look at it realistically. Some people just don’t have the skills like you and me got.
Mike
I don’t think we’re exactly economic kingpins just yet. But if people need help, they can just get it from the church.
Mark
Sometimes. But some government programs do a good job.
Mike
Really? Name one.
Mark
How about the Post Office?
Mike
The Post Office?
Mark
Yeah, the post office. I get my mail all the time.
Mike
What does that have to do with poor people?
Mark
Very little. But the Post Office is an organization run by the government that’s run well.
Mike
That’s the dumbest argument I’ve ever heard.
Mark
Oh, I’ve got dumber.
Mike
I’m sure you do. Hey, thanks for listening to me whine about this cheating crap.
Mark
Yeah, yeah. Don’t go getting all after school special on me.
Mike
Sorry, I’ll get back to my regularly scheduled Bruce Lee marathon self.
Mark
That’s all I ever ask.
SCENE 61: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Narrator
My friends all went to Prom junior year. I hung out at Brad’s, even though he wasn’t there.
Mike
Hey Barb, thanks for letting me chill out here.
Barb
Oh, come on now. You know I do the same thing every night anyway. You okay?
Mike
Me? I’m fine. It’s just a dance. I’m sure Brad will have fun.
Narrator
As it turned out, Brad had both a good time and a bad time. Brad went to prom with Shelby.
SCENE 62: INT. SCHOOL GYM
Brad
Hey girl. You look mad fly! We’re going to rock all night!
Shelby
I can’t wait.
Narrator
But at the prom Brad was up to his old tricks, making out with another girl. Shelby didn’t like it.
Shelby
What are you doing?
Brad
I’m just trying to have a good time. Relax babe.
Narrator
Shelby did the only thing she knew could get Brad mad. She made a move towards Hartman.
Shelly
Hey Hartman. Let’s go have a drink.
Hartman
Okay.
Narrator
An hour later, Shelby and Hartman were both drunk and making out on the dance floor.
Brad
I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!
Mark
I thought you were with Dana a few minutes ago.
Brad
Man, fuck him! That is it!
Mark
Come on Brad. Don’t do anything stupid!
BRAD APPROACHES HARTMAN
Brad
First you take Mike’s woman, now mine?
Hartman
She said you cheated on her!
Brad
That’s none of your business! Fuck you. I’m taking your date home with me tonight!
Hartman
Fine.
Narrator
Brad did take Hartman’s date home, but that was literally it. Brad didn’t get laid. He came home pissed off.
SCENE 63: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Brad
Can you believe he did that shit? Again? Hartman is banned!
Mike
I’m already not talking to him. So count me in.
Brad
Man what happened to guy code?
Mike
I don’t know. Obviously not all guys think it matters.
Brad
Guess not.
SCENE 64: INT. CLASS ROOM
Narrator
For a few weeks, none of my friends spoke to Hartman. But I had to do a final history project with him.
Teacher
Your Group Project is due at the end of next week. I suggest you put your final touches on them.
Narrator
If I didn’t work with Hartman, I would’ve gotten an F. I decided not to let spite keep me from state diploma requirements, and forgave him for his transgressions.
Mike
You know what you did was beyond messed up, right?
Hartman
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
Mike
Even though that was wrong, there’s no need for us to get an F.
Hartman
No.
Mike
So let’s forget about all that, and get this thing done.
Hartman
Sounds good.
Narrator
In a few weeks all my friends, even Brad, accepted Hartman back into our flock. After that was settled, we looked forward to having a rockin’ senior year.
SCENE 65: INT. MIKE’S BEDROOM
MIKE READS THE BIBLE ON HIS BED
Narrator
During the summer in between my junior and senior year I read a lot. I read the entire Bible. I decided to get serious about Christianity.
Ma
Mike, you doing okay?
Mike
Yeah Ma. Just reading.
MA EXITS
Narrator
I quit going to parties. I wanted deeper answers about life beyond partying. I felt like the meaning of life wasn’t just to get drunk and fuck all the time.
BRAD ENTERS
Brad
Man, you reading more of that wacky stuff about The Big Man and his kid?
Narrator
Brad questioned my religious convictions.
Brad
So what is Jesus telling you to do right now God boy?
Mike
Jesus isn’t telling me to do anything. I’m looking for something more.
Brad
Something more? You got a great family, amazing friends, and can do anything. What more do you want?
Mike
To know the meaning of life. I think it’s to serve God.
Brad
Maybe. But how are you going to serve God if it doesn’t tell you what to do?
Mike
I don’t know yet. That’s why I’m trying to learn more.
Brad
Well, I’m getting laid tonight while you read! You have to at least get a blowjob before you graduate!
Mike
Thanks for the encouragement Brad.
Brad
Hey boy, trust me. I been into Jesus and blowjobs, and they both have their place in a good life.
Mike
Dually noted.
SCENE 66: EXT. SOCCER FIELD
Narrator
We had a good soccer team my senior year. I took it too seriously sometimes.
Mike
I can’t believe I didn’t score from that cross!
Mark
It’s okay Mike.
Mike
Anyone with any talent would have put that in.
Mark
Well then, I guess you suck.
Mike
Thanks.
Mark
It’s just a game.
Mike
The greatest game.
Mark
Other than maybe Parcheesi.
Mike
I don’t even know how to play that.
Mark
Now, to make up for your screw up, I think you should give up sleep tonight and practice.
Mike
All right already, I’ll quit feeling sorry for myself.
Narrator
We lost in the second round of the playoffs. I recall feeling sad as my teammates and I took down our goals for the last time.
Mike
I’m going to miss soccer.
Mark
Me too.
Chad
Definitely.
Narrator
But this year was especially sad, as one of our teammates named Rich died. The funeral was hard for a lot of us to handle, and we met after it at Brad’s place.
SCENE 67: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Chad
Why in the hell did Rich do this?
Mike
I don’t know.
Brad
I can’t believe he’s gone.
Hartman
It’s unreal.
Mark
I mean, he was so money. He had everything.
Mike
Yeah.
MARK, BRAD, CHAD, HARTMAN, AND MIKE SIT IN SILENCE
Narrator
The suicide of a friend is always a tragic and odd experience. Anyone with a heart wonders if there’s anything they could’ve done to help save the person.
Brad
It’s crazy. I mean, he had a hot chick.
Chad
Definitely.
Mark
He was one of the most popular kids in school.
Chad
What the hell?
Mike
Got me.
Brad
Maybe he was gay.
Mark
Why would you kill yourself if you were gay?
Brad
Well I’m not gay, so I don’t know. But a lot of people aren’t as accepting as people like us.
Mike
His folks might have problems with having a gay son.
Chad
I don’t think he was gay. But even if he was, that’s a dumb reason to kill himself.
Mark
Maybe it was an accident.
Brad
Maybe. Look, we don’t know. It’s as simple as that. We lost a friend. Let’s drink to his honor. That’s what he’d want.
BRAD RAISES HIS GLASS
Brad
To Rich.
ALL
To Rich.
CHAD, BRAD, AND HARTMAN RAISE THEIR CANS OF BEER FOR RICH. MIKE AND MARK RAISE THEIR SODAS.
SCENE 68: INT. SCHOOL LOBBY
Narrator
The death of our friend hurt us all, but life gradually returned to closer to normal a few weeks later. I even had a girl who liked me, though I was completely oblivious at the time.
Nikki
Hey Mike.
Mike
Hey Nikki. What’s happening?
Nikki
Not much. So Mary and Carrie have been talking about that dance that’s coming up…
Mike
Yeah. I have to go and give some stupid speech since Imran’s god won’t let him go.
Nikki
Oh, you’re going to be there.
Mike
Unfortunately.
Nikki
You know it could be fun maybe if you had someone to go with.
Mike
Yeah right. What kind of girl would go with me?
Nikki
Um, I could go.
Mike
What you? Yeah, I guess you qualify.
Nikki
So we’re going to the dance?
Mike
Um, yeah. Sure.
Nikki
Okay, cool. I’ll talk to you later.
NIKKI WALKS AWAY SWIFTLY
Mike
See ya.
Mark
What was that all about?
Brad
Nikki boy. She wants some of your magic worm.
Mike
No way. She’s just a cool chick…
Brad
A cool chick with a nice ass!
MIKE GIVES BRAD A STERN LOOK
Brad
Sorry, I’ m just saying that she likes you.
Mike
I don’t think so. I think she just wants to hang out with her friends. You know, not be left out.
Brad
You are so blind.
Mike
Whatever.
SCENE 69: INT. SCHOOL LOBBY
Narrator
I had no idea what I was doing, but tried to relax and have fun.
Mike
Hey Nikki, you look nice.
Nikki
Oh, thanks. You too.
Mike
Sweet.
Mark
Hey man. You’re looking good big dog!
Mike
No doubt. I know how to rock a plain black tux!
Chad
Damn man! Shaggy hippy Mike, looking all preppy like!
Narrator
Chad went out with a girl named Meg. She and Chaz did that thing where they pretended to be cruel to each other.
Meg
Hey dickface.
Chad
Hey nasty bitch.
Mike
Good to see you Meg.
Meg
Oh, hey guys. I just want to grab this drunken asshole.
Mark
The asshole is all yours.
Chad
Hey want me to smack you? Smack you some more?
Meg
You couldn’t hurt me if you tried, pussy.
Mike
Um, we’re going to go over here now.
MIKE AND MARK WALK AWAY AND SIT DOWN AT A TABLE
Mark
Jesus, that is just weird.
Mike
You’re telling me.
Nikki
Are they always like that?
Mike
You have no idea.
Brad
You look like rock stars!
Mike
Glad you made it Brad. It’s been a while since you’ve been in school.
Brad
Too busy living bro. And you got a hot young date Mike!
Nikki
Hey Brad.
Brad
Man Nikki, I’m surprised you haven’t jumped his bones already.
Nikki
Yeah, I don’t know how I control myself.
Mike
Thanks Brad.
Nikki
So, do you want to dance?
Mike
Well, I suck at it, but I’ll give it a go.
MIKE AND NIKKI SLOW DANCE
Narrator
I had fun with Nikki that night. But I think she realized she could do better. She started dating another guy a few weeks later. My bigger concern was Brad.
MIKE AND BRAD TALK IN THE HALLWAY
Brad
I’m going to rip this party up like I’m Jim Morrison on acid!
Narrator
I didn’t have any interest in drugs. But Brad did, quite often.
Mike
Hey Brad, you haven’t been in school in a week.
Brad
Man, I’m here right now.
Mike
I mean for the school part of school. You okay?
Brad
Oh yeah man. I just had some business to take care of.
Mike
Some would say finishing up high school is your business.
Brad
Man, they can’t flunk me. I’m way too smart.
Mike
Yeah, but they tend to get strict with kids who never show up.
Brad
You worry too much.
Mike
Maybe, but you don’t worry enough.
Brad
Oh, maybe you’ve never heard of Quentin Tarantino.
Mike
Of course I know him.
Brad
Never finished high school.
Mike
You think you’ll be Tarantino just because you don’t graduate?
Brad
School is overrated. You have to do your own thing in life.
Mike
I’ll remember that. Thanks.
Brad
Drugs are only scary before you do them. But once you get into it, it’s like riding a bike.
Mike
What does that mean?
Brad
It’s natural and it becomes a part of you.
BRAD OFFERS MIKE A HIT OF A JOINT. MIKE REFUSES IT.
Mike
No, I’m good. But knock yourself out.
Brad
Your loss. One day you’ll look back and say, “Man, I wish I had smoked more with Brad.”
Mike
I might be wrong, but somehow I doubt it.
SCENE 71: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
Being a senior is nice, but a bit odd. It’s simultaneously being on top but knowing that you’re on your way out. The college application process can be quite complicated too.
Ma
I want you to be happy. I think you’ll pick the right school.
Mike
Thanks Ma.
Narrator
There are thousands of schools and just as many majors. It’s strange to go from being some carefree kid to trying to plan the next fifty years of your life.
CUT TO: MIKE SITTING ON A COUCH TALKING TO AN ARMY RECRUITER
Army Man
You know, if you join the army, your college will be paid for.
Mike
But I don’t want to risk going to war.
Army Man
You get to see the world, get school paid for, and get to serve your country.
CUT TO: MIKE SITTING ON A COUCH TALKING TO A SCHOOL RECRUITER
Dick
You know, you can play ball if you go to a small school.
Mike
I don’t know if I want to play ball.
CUT TO: MIKE AT THE DOOR TALKING TO AN ADVISOR
Cindy
The average private school graduate makes triple the salary of public school attendees.
Mike
I don’t think that’s right.
CUT TO: MIKE TALKING TO A SCHOOL COUNSELOR
Tom
You’ve heard about the advantages of private schools. But did you know that the average graduate from our university earns more than even the top private schools in this state.
Mike
I don’t know if that’s right.
SCENE 72: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I decided that I wanted to leave central Ohio.
Mike
I don’t want to stay around here for college.
Mark
Why not? Things are great here.
Mike
I’ve enjoyed myself. But I want to try something different.
Chad
I’m going to OSU. That’s the best partying. But if I can’t party there, I’ll party somewhere else.
Mark
Great long-term plan.
Chad
Hell yeah!
Mark
So where else?
Mike
I’m not sure yet. Time will tell.
SCENE 73: INT. CLASS ROOM
Narrator
But before I went off to college, I had a few more zany high school teachers.
SCENE 74: INT. BUSINESS CLASS ROOM
Narrator
Mr. Yong had the school record in basketball for most points scored in one game. And he wasn’t shy about acknowledging that accomplishment, or a similar one, every single day.
Mr. Yong
You guys think you’re tough. Back in my day, I had three guys, all 6’ 7 or taller guarding me, and I still averaged forty points a game. You boys today lack heart!
Narrator
Every day.
Mr. Yong
I bet I could still dunk. I wouldn’t even miss a shot if we were playing one on one.
Narrator
He flirted with the popular girls.
Mr. Yong
Amy, when I was younger, I was a real catch.
Amy
Oh Mr. Yong.
Mr. Yong
I bet you don’t even have a boyfriend.
Amy
Come on Mr. Yong.
Mr. Yong
It’s a shame. A girl like you should be treated right. I like what you’ve done with the hair.
Amy
Yeah, thanks. Are we going to start class soon?
Mr. Yong
I was just waiting for you.
Narrator
Yong was funny, but Hollier was even funnier.
SCENE 76: MATH CLASS ROOM
Narrator
Mr. Hollier was a football coach who tried to bring his football attitude into the math classroom. But it just didn’t work.
Mr. Hollier
I don’t get it Mike. Out on the football field, you’re a beast who can tackle anyone. And now you’re telling me you can’t tackle this one tiny math problem?
Mike
But I don’t even play football.
Mr. Hollier
You have to treat math like it is war! Now attack that problem before it attacks you!
Mike
I don’t think the problem is going to attack me sir.
Mr. Hollier
I’d hate for you to walk through life struggling to get one yard at a time when you could be trotting into the end zone!
Mike
Okay, I’ll use that to solve number 13. Thanks coach!
Mr. Hollier
It takes a man to be able to do a math problem the right way. It takes a man to admit that he’s wrong. But it takes a man to correct the wrongs he has done. Now be a man!
Beth
But I’m a girl!
SCENE 78: EXT. GOLF COURSE
Narrator
Mark and Drew got into playing golf that year. To me, golf itself was less enjoyable than just walking around. But with my friends, it actually was kind of fun.
Brad
I bet I could beat Hartman just using my putter.
Mike
I’d like to see that. It might be close.
Narrator
None of us were any good. It took us a good chunk of the day to play nine holes.
Brad
You got it! I bet you a pizza I make it in 12.
Mike
You’re on!
Narrator
Hartman worked at a country club. Despite this, he was even worse than the rest of us.
Brad
Hartman, I want the honors of going first next hole.
Hartman
Fuck you Brad.
Narrator
Hartman insisted on going first and rushed to play ahead of us. It was weird. We all sucked. For some reason, Hartman felt pressure to be good. So Brad fucked with him relentlessly.
Brad
Hey dickweed, I’m going first and you can’t stop me.
BRAD THROWS A BALL ONTO THE FAIRWAY
Brad
I’m going to watch you the whole way and count your strokes.
Hartman
Shut up Brad. Nobody cares about your stupid counts.
Brad
I think you do cheating Hartman.
Mike
Here we go again.
Mark (whispers to Mike)
We all know Hartman sucks. Brad should just let it go.
Narrator
Mark and Drew actually cared about the game.
Drew
I hope they don’t take too long horsing around, so we don’t get passed by angry old men again.
Mark
That is embarrassing.
Narrator
Brad and I would just hit the ball and fuck around. Brad had a one beer minimum per hole policy. This resulted in gradual sloppier play.
Brad
I’m watching you Hartman. Since you lost three balls in a row off the tee, you already have six strokes before you get to the shot 50 yards away from the tee.
Hartman
God damn it Brad, let me play.
Brad
I would if you would just play a good clean game like your Mama taught you.
Mark
Brad is giving him a rough time today.
Mike
All in good fun.
Narrator
Brad also tried to scare Hartman with golf carts by driving close to him as he was about to hit.
Hartman
Damn you Brad. I’m playing bad because you keep screwing me up. I’m giving myself a 6.
Brad
Yeah right! If you get a 6 on this one you’d better give yourself a 66 on the next one.
Mike
Take it easy Brad.
Brad
Hey Hartman, I’m coming for you.
BRAD DRIVES A CART RAPIDLY AT HARTMAN. HARTMAN STEPS OUT OF THE WAY. THE CART HITS MIKE AND HE TUMBLES OVER IT.
Brad
Oh shit! Are you okay?
Mike
That was quite a shock.
Mark
Holy fuck, did you break anything?
Mike
I don’t think so. Messing with Hartman is one thing, but don’t run him over.
Brad
For real, I’m sorry.
Mike
I’ll live. Just be more careful when you underage drink and drive golf carts.
Brad
You got it.
SCENE 79: KARAOKE INT. BAR
Narrator
That was just Brad, running people over, and being lucky enough to laugh about it. I had to give him credit for living a unique life the way he wanted to live it.
DJ
Hey there karaoke fans, get those pipes ready!
Narrator
Brad started doing karaoke. Brad usually sang Jimmy Buffet and Neil Diamond tunes. They were cheesy.
BRAD STEPS UP TO THE MICROPHONE
Brad
For the people who just want a margarita out of life…
Narrator
Brad knew twin sisters whose father owned a karaoke bar in Columbus. Brad could get free drinks and hang out with two hot twins while singing his silly songs. He loved it.
Brad
I’d like to dedicate this to my hombre Mike.
BRAD SINGS TO THE TUNE OF “MARGARITAVILLE” BY JIMMY BUFFET
Brad
Because I am living on sponge cake. Watching the sun bake,
Mike
I don’t get it. Why do you want to hang out with a guy who sings like that?
Tina
Because he’s crazy!
Amber
I don’t know. I love that Brad is just, well, Brad.
Mike
Amen to that.
SCENE 80: INT. BRAD’S HOUSE
Brad
Those chicks are always a blast man.
Mike
Yeah, they’re cool. And it’s always nice to hear you sing the classics.
Brad
No doubt. You should check out this sweet book I got on Buffet.
Mike
I will. Thanks.
Brad
It’s a lot better than that shit they assign in school.
Narrator
Most of the time when my friends were out partying, I was reading. Even though I liked to read, I didn’t always care about what they taught in school. Math especially bored me.
Brad
School is bullshit. When will you need to figure out the quadratic equation and divide by the binomial, to get the radius of the circumference in real life?
Mike
You might be surprised.
Brad
There are better ways to spend our limited time on planet Earth than learning this shit.
Mike
I agree. But what should we be doing?
Brad
Just having a good time.
Mike
We try. But shouldn’t we try to do something that matters?
Brad
Yeah. But you have to do shit that matters to you.
Mike
Like serving God?
Brad
Always with that God stuff. You know that The Bible is interpreted many different ways?
Mike
Sure. But someone has to be right.
Brad
So you believe all that stuff about Noah and the ark, and the talking snake?
Mike
Yeah. It provides me with a sense of peace.
Brad
A talking snake makes you feel peace?
Mike
Not that specifically. But knowing that there’s a God, and knowing that my life serves some purpose in the grand scheme.
Brad
Buddha had some good thoughts on this. He believed you had to follow your own path.
Mike
That makes some sense. But there have to be rules to follow.
Brad
Rules suck. And nobody can prove God is watching anyway.
Mike
That’s why faith is so valuable.
Brad
Whatever helps you sleep at night. But I look at religion like looking through a telescope.
Mike
How so?
Brad
Religion takes this one idea of God, and compresses it all into one world view. So when you embrace one religion, you tend to look at the universe and see one part of it in great detail.
Mike
Okay yeah. Details are good.
Brad
But the problem is that there’s everything else in the universe still out there. While you’re so busy focusing on that small part you can see in that telescope, there’s way more happening.
Mike
So you think religion is too narrow?
Brad
Exactly. There’s a lot of shit we don’t even know about yet.
Mike
No doubt. But doesn’t it pay to focus on what seems best?
Brad
If that’s how you want to live, so be it. But you’re missing out on a whole lot of things bro.
SCENE 82: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
I often wondered about the things in life I was missing out on.
Mike
Do you guys ever think about what it might be like to live in another part of the world?
Brad
Hell yeah.
Mark
Statistically speaking, we’ve got it pretty good here. But sure, I wonder sometimes.
Narrator
I took a few trips with family when I was a kid. Driving for days to get to sites like Wall Drug wasn’t great. But I saw the world was big, and I wanted to see a lot more of it.
Mike
If you could go anywhere in the world now, where would you go?
Brad
Probably Burger King. I could go for a Whopper.
Mike
No, I mean if money was no object, and you could live how you wanted to, where would you go?
Mark
It’s a bullshit question. Money’s always an object.
Brad
I’d go to a bunch of different places. Paris. Hawaii. Run with the Bulls. Surf with some Aborigines. I’d tour the world.
Mike
I’d go to California. I’d want to see the sunny shores, the entertainment capital of the world.
Mark
I don’t know what I’d do.
MARK STARTS TALKING IN A BRAVEHEART INFLUENCED SCOTTISH ACCENT
Mark
I might have to check out Scotland and hang with William Wallace.
Mike
You’re crazy.
Narrator
All of us would eventually have the chance to see distant lands. But for that time in our lives, we rarely made it outside of the Columbus area, or fine establishments like Burger King.
SCENE 83: INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Narrator
Senior year went fast. Before I knew it, it was almost prom time.
Carrie
Hey Mike. Can we talk?
Mike
Yeah, sure Carrie. You okay?
Carrie
Everything’s fine. But Stan and I just broke up.
Mike
Oh, that’s too bad.
Carrie
He’s not a bad guy, just not the right guy for me.
Mike
You are a woman of high standards.
Carrie
Yes, very high. That’s why I want you to take me to prom.
Mike
Hmm. I wasn’t planning on going.
Carrie
I know, but it’s just a few weeks away and everyone else has a date.
Mike
I don’t know…
Carrie
It could be fun. Just come with me and we’ll have a good time.
Mike
All right.
Carrie
Thanks Mike. You’ll have fun, I promise.
Mike
I hope that’s a promise you can keep.
CARRIE EXITS
Mike
What am I doing?
Narrator
Carrie was right. We had a good time. And none of the drama of the previous year. But it was time to look to the future.
SCENE 84: INT. MIKE’S HOUSE
Narrator
Graduation time. The end was near. Mark got a partial scholarship to go to Ohio State.
Mark
OSU baby! Go bucks!
Narrator
I hated leaving Mark, but I didn’t want to go to Ohio State. I went to the University of Cincinnati.
Ma
What is a bearcat anyway?
Mike
I don’t know. I guess they wanted a unique mascot.
Narrator
Hartman picked Ohio University.
Hartman
It’s pretty cool down there, I guess.
Narrator
Despite less than stellar grades, Chad was accepted into Ohio State University. He told everyone he planned to major in beer.
Chad
I’m going to have so many women, and get so drunk so much…
Narrator
But Brad ignored warnings that if he didn’t do the final paper, he could fail government.
Mike
Brad, just do the paper, and you’ll be fine.
Brad
Oh man, I could do that paper in one night if I had to.
Mike
I know you could. But the question is, will you?
Brad
I’ll take care of it later. Right now, this pot needs me to smoke it.
Mike
Yeah, fine. Just make sure you do that paper.
SCENE 85: INT. CLASS ROOM
Ms. Bates
You know, it’s past the due date and Brad still hasn’t turned in his final paper. What should I do?
Mike
He hasn’t turned in anything?
Ms. Bates
Nothing.
Mike
Well, I guess he deserves what you decide.
Ms. Bates
Yeah, I guess.
Narrator
Sure enough, Brad acted like he was shocked later that week.
CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY
Brad
Oh man, what the hell? That bitch is giving me an F!
Mike
You didn’t turn in your paper until the last day of class! What did you expect?
Brad
I did the damn thing. Just not right when she wanted it. Holy shit, I might not graduate.
Mike
It’s not life or death Brad. Just take a summer class and you’ll be fine.
Brad
Damn. That’s harsh.
SCENE 86: INT. SCHOOL GYM
Narrator
Chad played a prank at graduation. Chad’s sister had been part of National Honors Society, so he wore her old ribbon. When he got close to the teachers he waved it in their faces.
Chad
I, the honorable Chad GENIUS, graduate with honor!
Narrator
I smiled when I got my diploma. I enjoyed high school, but felt ready to move on. Other than classes, I had no idea what to expect out of college. But I was ready for another adventure.
SCENE 87: EXT. UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI DORM
Mark
Good luck dog.
Mike
Thanks homie. We’ll still stay in touch.
Mark
You think Brad will be okay?
Mike
Oh yeah. He’ll be fine. He just might take a little longer to go to college, if he decides to go.
Mark
Have fun at UC.
Mike
It’s going to be great man. Call me.
Mark
I will. Peace out bro!
Mike
Later.
MARK EXITS
Narrator
It’s always strange to be in a new place for the first time. But it’s also a chance to look back at where you came from.
MIKE SHAKES HANDS WITH LUKE IN A TINY DORM ROOM
Mike
Hey, how are you? I’m Mike.
Narrator
I’m grateful for my high school days and glad I had the chance to screw up as much as I did to prepare for later in life.
Luke
Hey, I’m Luke.
Narrator
What’s nice about leaving everything you know is that just about anything could happen.
Mike
Good to meet you.
Luke
We’re going to have a kick ass year!
Mike
Yeah.
Narrator
I was temporarily separated from my friends and family, but I knew no matter where I went and what I did, I’d take the lessons I got from my L-town days with me.
Ma
Make sure you pray every day.
Grandma
Get a job.
Brad
Nail as many chicks as you can.
Chad
Get fucking wasted dude.
Mark
Keep in touch.
Hartman
Keep on rocking in the free world.
Drew
Work harder in college than you did in high school.
Ma
Have the time of your life.
THE END
