Sometimes I'm serious.
LAUGH AT SELF, OTHERS, GOD, THE UNIVERSE
LAUGH AT SELF, OTHERS, GOD, AND THE UNIVERSE
AN OFFENSIVE AND PRETENTIOUS COMEDY BOOK
Review of author by the author
Mike has produced another piece of shit work that has no clarity and no chance
of producing any value for another soul.
What a pretentious and demented bastard!
This guy should have the living shit kicked out of him for trying to
lead people against God, loved ones, and decent society.
Let’s lock him up and never let him write another word again. This lunatic should never be allowed to speak to anyone else as long as he lives. He should be killed, but he’s not even worth a bullet. He’s not even worth the effort to strike with a knife or some type of large sword. Fuck him!
WHY WRITE?
Who has time to read anything longer than a comic strip? Who wants to read in an age with DVD’s, internet, 24/7 porn, virtual reality, travel, and more convenient pleasures? You have the arrogance to think you have something new and fresh to reveal to the world that has even a shred of importance? You think the collective work of humanity and the universe as a whole is insufficient? You think your smaller than microscopic thoughts and life experiences will improve reality?
Apparently, I actually do
DISCLAIMER
Disclaimer: I’ve been wrong about so many things so much in life that it is both humorous and sad. Although hard to admit, my beliefs and opinions may be partially incorrect at times. Having said that, I do all I can to think rationally and offer my thoughts to benefit myself and others by emphasizing what I believe to be best.
2nd Disclaimer- The original disclaimer could be wrong too.
TO THE PEOPLE I OFFEND
Everything serious I write, I intend to use as a way to make life better for others. I admit that even though I’ve made efforts to be right, I’m still wrong sometimes. But even though I’m less than right about everything, I still believe there’s value in sharing my less than perfect opinions about life with others.
Everything humorous I write, I intend to use as a way to make life better for others. I admit that I can occasionally write ideas that are offensive or painful to others in a comedic context. I’m still prone to making errors.
Luckily, if you’re offended by what I write, I tend to write rather bland, inoffensive material often.
If somehow, everything I’ve ever written is offensive to you, feel free to focus on one of the other countless parts of the universe.
Love,
Mike
Only a crazy person writes a book, and only an ignorant fool hopes to gain wisdom from a crazy. Fortunately, everyone in the world is either crazy or an ignorant fool.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1 LAUGH
CHAPTER 2 MY FAVORITE TOPIC: ME!
CHAPTER 3 ENTERTAINMENT: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DISTRACT US FROM MISERABLE REALITY!
CHAPTER 4 GOD
CHAPTER 5 PHILOSOPHY: THE QUEST TO FIND THE MEANING OF LIFE IN A MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE?
CHAPTER 6 FUNNY SONGS, LYRICS, AND TITLES
CHAPTER 7 I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIMPSONS HAVEN’T HIRED ME YET
CHAPTER 8 MILITARY: GETTING RID OF PEACE, ONE STEP AT A TIME
CHAPTER 9 MISANTHROPE: NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE ALL DONE FOR!
CHAPTER 10 MY FAILED ATTEMPT A COOK BOOK
CHAPTER 11 NEWS HEADLINES
CHAPTER 12 POLITICS: SHAMS ON PARADE
CHAPTER 13 RANDOM COMEDY BITS
CHAPTER 14 SEX JOKES
CHAPTER 15 SILLY THOUGHTS
CHAPTER 16 SILLY QUESTIONS
CHAPTER 17 SIXTY-NINE NEWS JOKES FROM 2008-2009
CHAPTER 18 SKETCHES AND BLACKOUTS
CHAPTER 19 SPORTS: THE MEETING PLACE OF ADRENALINE AND STEROIDS
CHAPTER 20 WORK: THE ABSURD THINGS WE DO FOR PROFIT!
CHAPTER 21 LIFE
CHAPTER 22 DEATH
A FEW FINAL THOUGHTS
Foreword- No living human being was willing to write a foreword praising Mike, this book, or anything Mike has ever done.
But he got comments from a few folks:
“Maybe I’ll read it if you actually get someone to publish it!” Mike’s Mom JoEllen
“Mike wrote a book? No way! He’s too lazy and not that bright.” Kurt “Pure Sweetness” Caudill
“Mike Nesteruk? Who the fuck is that?” What Mike assumes sane book publishers say about his work
Intro by the author
Welcome to a combination of a happy dream and a horrible nightmare.
Appendix
Sex- Highly recommended for all consenting adults
Read some other comedy books.
Go see a live comedy performance.
Listen to some classic comedy on some electronic device.
Notes- This book had lots of notes, but the author will graciously spare you the tedium.
Glossary- bullshit, page 1- the end
Bibliography- The author is far too arrogant or lazy to quote from others works.
Biography of the author- Mike Nesteruk is an unusual person. At various times he has failed as an ice cream maker, librarian, Christian missionary (no joke!), garbage man (didn’t even get the job), social worker, journalism graduate student, fruit picker, temp worker, art studio gopher, history museum worker, construction worker, writer, sketch writer, joke writer, poet, musician, improvisational comic, stand-up comic, sketch performer, spiritual humanist minister, gambler, ticket seller, theatre intern, wedding official, lawn mower, volunteer, and as a human being. He has won 0 Olympic medals to date. He’s so delusional that he fell into poverty just to make this little book happen. He “lives” a meager existence spending nearly all of his time on a computer in a tiny place with his insanely tolerant girlfriend Tessa in Chicago/Ohio. Despite his ridiculous underachievement and choices, he’s managed to enjoy a lot of life.
Mike received a t-ball runner up trophy in 1985. In 2009 Mike collaborated with a team of several brilliant minds to win a round of music trivia at a Chicago bar, which resulted in Knute winning a Schlitz glass and Abby winning a cassette tape. Mike was once in a mock boy band with five sexy members (Kurt, Web, J-Rock, and either Kidd or Consuelo) appropriately called “Cinco De Fine-O.”
ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: THIS SHOULD BE TAKEN AS SERIOUSLY AS ONE TAKES OXYGEN. OR TAKE IT AS SERIOUSLY AS A DUDE WHO JUST SWALLOWED A BUNCH OF HELIUM WITH A GOOFY VOICE. YOUR CALL.
CHAPTER 1. LAUGH
I never achieved my childhood dreams. I’m not playing Major League Baseball and healing like Jesus in between games.
We can blow up the planet, but can’t defeat plaque?
The best thing I’ve ever heard uttered by a human about God: "She was not on the shitter when God was handing out tits."
The universe may have multiple realities which humanity still fails to understand. So I might skip work.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except for when you're a babysitter.
Anyone who follows their passion is likely to be a porn star, food critic, or sleep tester.
Someone killed Tupac Shakur but let Steve Urkel do national TV for a decade?
The odds of experiencing pleasant odors decrease exponentially based on the size of the human population one lives around.
Be unique: Wear formal underwear.
I’m working on Cliff’s Notes to Where’s Waldo?
Many people appear to live each day as their last, hence vast debts, irresponsible behaviors, and lack of concern for anyone else.
The best magicians are so good that they take a few minutes instead of a few seconds before they get on my nerves.
I dreamed of being a great FILL IN THE BLANK but reality gave me FILL IN WHAT TYPE OF SHIT instead.
What’s the best gift to get for your Great Grandma when she has another kid?
I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted, but that ended at age of 0. Ma was stingy with her tits.
I went on a voyage of self-discovery. I found I like sex and food. Everything else is suspect.
She said “My husband is SO different from you.” I replied "Well, we have VERY different taste in women."
All I lack is focus, discipline, intelligence, commitment, money, marketable skills, talent, good looks, a proven track record of success, a solid work ethic, and morality. How can I fail?
HONEST PSYCHIC: I predict that no human, including me, will ever be able to accurately predict all events that may occur in the future.
I want to live forever, so I need to find a TOP NOTCH skin consultant.
CHAPTER 2. MY FAVORITE TOPIC: ME!
I screwed up a lot in my life, but it wasn’t my fault. When I was born, I hardly knew anything.
I screwed up a lot when I was a teenager. I spent most of my time in school, church, and study instead of having hot sex.
I screwed up a lot when I got to college. I made friends, joined a lot of student organizations, and went to classes instead of doing something that mattered.
I screwed up a lot after college. I tried to find God, the meaning of life, and my purpose instead of getting a good job.
Long ago, I was a good person. I had to quit because I never profited from it. Then I was a decent person. I realized how boring and pointless that was. Now my kindest act is leaving people alone.
I had big dreams. I could’ve been the greatest of all-time. But I got lost in the complicated details of life, like what I was trying to be great at.
All of the people who said I’d never amount to anything are wrong. I’ve amounted to over 200 pounds.
How old am I? I’m young enough to be a fool and old enough to know it.
I love the thought of being young and healthy forever, but I’d be confused about my opinions on pop music.
There’s nothing that I need to do, so I better get to doing it soon.
I have the acting ability of a stand-up comic and the comedic sensibility of a soap opera actor.
To people who die for my freedom: I’ll settle for you just getting wounded enough to support my health care costs.
I’m in between being a nobody and a never was.
I offer hope to the world, but it’s extremely short-term, unprofitable, non-transferable hope.
I used to care about my image. Now that I've matured I care more about my smell.
I range from being funny about misery to being angry about misery.
I enjoy self-deprecating humor because I'm a fucking idiot.
I look like a fashion model for a going out of business thrift store.
I was offered a chance to participate in an authentic historical recreation experience. I made sure they picked a period in history before I was alive so it would be impossible for me to participate.
3. ENTERTAINMENT: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DISTRACT US FROM MISERABLE REALITY!
MUSIC: EVOLVING FROM MOZART TO THE JONAS BROTHERS
If songs influence actions, more people should be falling in love and having sex. There are few songs about being bored in work, traffic, or school.
Michael Jackson is still the King of Pop like Kim Il Sung is still president of North Korea.
They don’t make music like they used to. That means no more James Brown, Frank Sinatra, or Beethoven. It also means no more K-Fed, Pat Boone, or Vanilla Ice.
Even if you work hard most of your life, you may never have as much success as the guy who wrote “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.”
Youth is over when your favorite band contains mostly dead people.
You're old when your favorite band is full of dead people, unless there was just a horrible accident.
The band Poison would need a clever title to sell a drink based on their group name.
The way people perceive music changes over time. Jazz music was once considered wicked, immoral, and wild. Now it helps people go to sleep.
The rebellious music of one era may be nursery rhymes for the next generation.
Led Zeppelin was a great band, but there have been better hotel guests.
I wonder if anyone will ever say to their grandchildren “They just don’t make them like T-Pain anymore.”
I have no proof, but I think Usher is a near perfect pop music robot created by Sony.
Maintaining a career as a triangle player must be hard.
Queen isn’t quite the same without Freddy Mercury.
I was influenced by all of the huge musicians of the time that everyone loved: Oingo Boingo, Igor Presnyakov, The Madison County Blues Band- you know, all of the all-time greats.
I was like a rock star: Selfish, egotistical, overrated, successful in spite of my lack of talent, all image and no substance, and became a pathetic loser as I aged.
I spent most of my life trying to be like Jimi Hendrix, minus the broke phases, excessive drug use, and early death.
I wanted to be a great musician like Jimi Hendrix, but I ended up with the reputation and work ethic of Mike Nesteruk.
One Direction is set to earn one billion dollars this year. I believe I’m easily worth 1/10,000th of One Direction. Therefore it would be justified to pay me 100,000 dollars.
I played music like a god: A false god no one believed in.
White people who ensure country music exists also ensure there are white people on welfare.
Many want to be rock stars without work. It's why there are a lot more waiters than rock stars.
I learned to rock from guitar tabs at the library. This is like expecting to get laid just by reading a Danielle Steel book.
I thought I wanted to be a great musician. I learned that I was just as lazy at excelling at my "passion" as I was actual work.
Soft rock makes as much sense as light death.
If I listened to your greatest hits I could tolerate half of one note before barfing.
I spent more time bitching than a bitter blues man.
I don't get how musicians can be paid millions in a world where even toddlers know how to find songs on YouTube for free.
Struggling musicians should ask, “Is there a way I can be better than INSERT NAME OF THE MOST MUNDANE CELEBRITY YOU KNOW?” This original name for this joke was Billy Ray Cyrus. It could now be Miley Cyrus or any other celebrity you believe has mega-success in spite of mundane talents.
I love cover bands because they admit up front that they lack originality.
I love less famous parody artists: Michael Jack's son, Prints, Mad Donna, Brice Spring’s Teen, Paul Mick Cart Knee, MC Ham Her, Justin Tim Burlick, El Ton Jon, Dr. Cre, Bob Farley, Eric clap a ton, etc.
I'd love to hear a new innovation in music, like electric spoons.
ELVIS JOKES
I was told when I was a kid that the king of rock died before I was born. I later learned he was a fat, overrated, thief of the true masters, drug addict who crapped out on the crapper.
Elvis is the king of rock like Vanilla Ice is the king of rap.
Elvis: Did watered down imitations of great black musicians, was an even worse actor in tons of horrible movies, and never said anything interesting about the social issues of his time. But I admire his tastes in women, food, and drugs.
THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED FOR ME?
I loved music until I realized I was getting so old that I was glad I was losing my hearing rather than listening to the new garbage they try to say is good.
SKYNYRD’S NUMBER ONE MAN!
Ignorant people act like it’s a fact that their favorite band is the greatest of all-time. Top music lists can rarely be proven to be scientifically accurate.
Hick # 1
“Man, there’s no one who could play like Lynyrd Skynyrd. Never has been, and never will.”
Jethro
“What the hell are you talking about? Everyone knows Charlie Daniels Band was best.”
Hick # 1
“SKYNYRD!”
Jethro
“CHARLIE DANIELS!”
Hick #1
“Them’s fighting words.”
And hayseeds get into a physical altercation over something that has no way to be proven.
BOOKS: Outdated Text Messages
Some of my friends question the merits of the latest book series I’ve been enjoying. But I’ve gotten good at finding Waldo.
Philosophical writers usually write what they don’t know.
Lolita wasn’t Nabokov’s desired title. He wanted to call it The Statutory Rapist.
I don’t feel I’m qualified to write my autobiography. I’m too biased.
Books may have no greater message than “Go dog, go!”
There’s no modern Shakespeare. Why would there be? Many people hate reading anything longer than gas prices.
Book collections are rarer than dodo collections. The few people who read may have a book by their least fancy toilet. The average American now owns more singing wall fish than books.
Books are like people. Many of them suck, but a few of them are worth a few hours of your time.
People who say "I could write a book about that" would usually write one incredibly boring book.
I tried to be a great writer but I allowed distractions as important as sex and as petty as TV theme songs to take up more time than my writing.
I struggled for years as a writer. I struggled to force myself to write instead of getting laid, drunk, or asleep.
I would have been a better writer if I focused on developing my own unique voice instead of enjoying my limited time on Earth.
If I write in English, how original could my writing be?
I don't get how book publishers earn money in a world where it seems no one has the time to read anything more complicated than a Burger King menu.
There are more books than anyone will ever time to read. Many people seem to think that excuses them from reading any of them.
I wanted to write the greatest book of all-time until I realized how much effort it would take. So I amended my goal to writing a book that someone as lazy as me might glance at.
BOOKS MADE SIMPLE
Kids - Trick your children into believing that it's important to learn how to read! Simple words keep a few young eggheads occupied, but your brats are likely to resist them and demand more TV, computer, video games, robot dogs – or whatever new trendy crap kids like these days.
Romance- Fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies... sort of? People who are more interesting and attractive than you have hot sex.
Religion- Lots of different people made up lots of different silly stories that can’t be proven about invisible beings that are supposedly watching over humanity.
Economics- Work hard. Be better than others. If you can’t, it’s your fault life sucks.
Career- There are many jobs you’ll never have.
Trivia- Random facts never help you do anything practical.
Reference- Facts you will never need! There’s more information than you’ll ever have time to memorize about everything from Aardvarks to ZZ Top.
Self- help- Let someone else tell you how YOU should be helping YOURSELF.
Science- People WAY smarter than you are still working on not completely fucking things up.
Cookbooks- Food is good. Eat right, or get too fat. Don’t eat enough, you’ll be too skinny.
Celebrity- Famous people sell millions of books despite the fact that they often have nothing original or important to say about anything.
Entertainment- Pop culture art and pop culture trash are impossible to tell apart.
Philosophy- Smart people use too many words to explain that they fail to understand everything about reality.
Art- Pretty pictures. Neat.
Games- We have more games than anyone could ever find time to play, but little time to play them.
Mystery- In a universe with endless things we don’t know, some people still like to be baffled for fun.
MUSIC- Your music will suck compared
to the music of people who are widely known and admired.
FILM- You can spend the rest of your
life watching movies and still fail to see even a small fraction of all of the
terrible non-sense out there.
HEALTH- You're going to get
sick. You're going to die. Here are a few ways you MIGHT delay one
of them for a little while.
NEW HARDCOVER- No one should ever pay full price for a brand new hardcover book. This is how the publishing industry suckers you naïve egg heads!
NEW PAPERBACK- At least we didn't rip you off as much as with the new hardcover price!
BIOGRAPHY- Read about your heroes or enemies from the most biased information possible!
SCIENCE FICTION- Get a life. Seriously.
LITERATURE- Don't bother with anything new. If it's any good, it's already a movie!
HISTORY- Those who forget the past are
even dumber than those who are obsessed with events that are over!
Best sellers- Somehow, people keep making money writing new books despite the fact that almost nobody reads any more.
BOOK TITLES I’D LIKE TO
SEE
Religion
Statistics prove Jesus may not love you
Humor
As true as pro wrestling
Fruits and vegetables may kill you
Philosophy
Stop bitching, start living
Politics
From Pol Pot to your shitty mayor: How politics fuck nearly everyone
Economics
Make more money, save more money, and other obvious financial truths
10 minute work week and more complete fabrications
How to be a slightly more successful middle class wage slave
Romance
Fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies... sort of?
The mysterious billionaire crack whore
Mystery
Who wasted a bullet on a dipshit celebrity?
Where have all the shoulder pad dresses gone?
Who created creationists?
Reference
The Guinness Book of Colossal World Failures
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Salutes Trivia Books
Puzzles
Bitchin’ word scramble
Fuck you chess moves
Shit or get off the pot poker
Autobiography
One in 7 billion or so
I lived to tell a reasonably priced tale
History
Old timey horseshit
Psychology
Fucked up people and you
The voices inside your head won
Computers
Oh God! Computers can do that?
Magazine
Pet Blue Whale Owner
Best Sellers
I BEAT YAO MING AND OTHER TALL TALES
BONNETS FOR NON-BABIES
EAT MY NUTS: PEANUT DISTRIBUTORS
WHAT CHU TALKIN BOUT? WILLS! MAKE YOUR OWN WILL
THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN RIP ME OFF ARE HACKS
DON'T STAY WITH HUNGRY CANNIBALS AND OTHER PRACTICAL TRAVEL TIPS
THE UNIVERSE IS FULL OF NEARLY INFINTE OPTIONS AND YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY?
EAT FOR PLEASURE, HILARITY, AND NUTRITION IN THAT ORDER
I WAS ONLY LATE BECAUSE I DIDN'T CARE
I RESPECT HUMANITY ENOUGH TO LET THEM SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I INCREASED MY FAILURE RATE BUT STILL DIDN'T SUCCEED
ANOTHER POINTLESS BOOK
I FAILED TO UNDERSTAND REALITY. YOU CAN TOO!
WHERE'S WALDO? ACID TRIP VERSION
ADVICE FOR THE FAST FOOD INDUSTRY (Quit. Your product is awful.)
DON’T DIE AND OTHER HELPFUL HINTS FOR SUCCESS
BOOKS I HOPE NEVER EXIST
HOW TO EFFECTIVELY TORTURE AND KILL MIKE NESTERUK
SPREADING WORLDWIDE DISEASE FOR HOPEFUL TERRORISTS
DEATH TO WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!
MIKE NESTERUK HAS ONE TINY PENIS
MIKE NESTERUK HAS MULTIPLE TINY PENISES
MIKE NESTERUK HAS NO PENIS
EASY BOOK IDEAS
LIST OF LOGICAL PREJUDICES
RAP SONGS RECORDED BY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS
WRITING
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL PROBABLY WON’T HAPPEN IF:
You can’t write a sentence without using “sucks” or “blows.”
You compose long diatribes about why people should join your church for a low monthly installment of only $99.95.
Your area of focus is astrophysics applications in professional wrestling.
You spend more time watching TV than you do writing.
You can’t write more than a paragraph without mentioning that you want sleep instead of writing.
You’re clearly ripping off others. Titles like Hobin Rood, Doby Mick, or Catch It in the Rye stand out.
Dogs from outer space who can read minds without speaking figure prominently in your work.
You think that all oxygen should be removed from earth and you should be the one who gets to decide who gets to have some.
You value anything in life as much as writing the great American novel.
You can’t write without the comfort of one billion dollars in savings to fall back on, just in case the writing career doesn’t take off.
You average 23 hours of sleep a day.
You’re more concerned about the world than scribbling down lines no one may ever care about.
Your work has more jokes about farting than anything else.
The aim of your book is to teach how to play better tic tac toe.
Publishers have you arrested due to the horrendous, specific threats you’ve made in print.
The entire content of your book is less than a page long, and it’s about how you are sad that Santa is a lie.
You’re deadly allergic to computers, typewriters, paper, and communication to others.
You have 300 pages worth of “Look at my butt” joke material.
The idea of Jesus, Mohammed, Abraham, Buddha, and Vishnu burning in hell for all eternity while atheists rule in heaven does not have the mass appeal you thought it might.
You can only write so much about hog fat before the subject becomes a bit repetitive.
You think a Teen Wolf versus My Little Ponies face-off is going to be HUGE in the 21st century.
You’re trying to find rhymes with the word “orange.”
You’re only using two letters of the alphabet. I o o oi oi io. Try it if you don’t believe me.
You’ll only be published by Mark Twain himself, nobody else.
You eliminate every other page to suspend standard beliefs about books having to flow logically.
You drink a shot of absinthe every time you finish a sentence.
HISTORY OF LITERATURE IN WESTERN CIVILIZATION
10,000 B.C.-2000 B.C. - First book made by God contains confusing words. As a result it’s eventually translated into 183, 937 differing, completely contradictory versions.
2000 B.C. until Jesus Christ- Humanity figures, no one will ever top God’s book. So they take thousands of years off literary work.
1440ish- Printing press invented, book right after Bible is Gutenberg’s Big Book of Porn
1440ish- First newspaper reveals that everything the King and Pope do is perfect
1803- First swear words permitted to be printed. They go over the top and choose the title “Goddamn Satanic guide to motherfucking ass shitty Christ hating whores.”
1850- 1% of the world finally becomes educated enough to read
1850-2016- More books made
2016- Carrot Top may release biography, world may blow up.
MOVIE BITS
I gained temporary hope from movies. Usually it was so temporary that my hopes died before the movie even began. Damn previews.
Even the greatest movie stars of an era are mostly ignored by future generations. I suppose this is for the best. It’d be weird if lots of kids sat around on the weekends watching Chaplin flicks.
You know you're old when you have a friend who’s younger than you but looks like they should be playing an uptight dean in a movie.
I lived like a bad movie. I existed for a short time, people mostly ignored me, and the ones who saw me seemed unimpressed.
Movie writers spend most of their lives crafting scripted words knowing that many people care more about how actors look than anything they say.
Just because you value movies doesn't mean you will ever be an actor. You might live hundreds of miles away from anywhere anyone records anything on film more interesting than baby birthday party videos.
Can you believe there was an era in film when WILL FERRELL did nudity?
Cinematic innovations of generations led to a world of people who only watch what’s free online.
I don't like horror movies. Real life is scary enough.
A friend stated that they thought they'd be perfect to play the role of a gritty buddy cop with edge who loves eating veggie burgers and has an obsession with Martha Plimpton. I advised the friend "Be careful. You don't want to get typecast."
I spent most of my teen years watching stupid comedy movies to better prepare myself for the stupid comedy of adulthood.
A professional actor should have more range than unconvincing to boring.
Movies age like people: Not much after a few years, a few decades tend to take a serious toll, and a few generations make even the best look ancient, irrelevant, or dead.
MAKING
AN ALL-TIME GREAT MOVIE WILL PROBABLY NOT HAPPEN IF YOU:
Think Pauly Shore films are too intellectual.
Are paying tribute to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Make a documentary about Wyoming.
Stretch an infomercial out for a few hours.
Invent a new language for the film, but can’t interpret it to others.
Take the silent movie concept a step further by making a movie without any visual element too.
Only have one actor who never stops talking and speaks at the rate of the micro machines ad guy.
Try to shoot an underwater documentary without appropriate equipment.
Lose track of the intended order of the film and arrange all scenes randomly.
Let another director make up the second half of the movie without any knowledge of what the first half of the movie is about.
Fog the scenes so much that Halle Berry could be John Goodman for all viewers can tell.
MOVIE HISTORY
1915- Birth of a Nation upsets Southerners who hate how they are portrayed as “soft” on coloreds
1922- First talkie inspires nation’s youth to begin speaking to each other out loud in public
1930- Hitler dismisses his gift of fair and balanced filmmaking to unwisely enter politics
1935- Three Stooges shorts cause a nation full of imitators to land in hospitals and graveyards
1939- Wizard of Oz allows insurance companies to make a mint off crushed witch insurance
1941- Citizen Kane originally titled “Sled Loving Rich Prick”
1945- George Orwell starts writing a book about farm animals, eventually ends up with semi-fictional movie about terrors of modern systems of political power who are TOO cute
1955- Rebel Without a Cause causes youth to act righteously to avoid rebelling without a cause
1957- Marlon Brando acts supremely well, acting gets gradually hammier with every pound gained
1967- The Graduate offends Christians who insist that the film doesn’t accurately portray the best way to swing a cross at others
1977- Star Wars gives millions of geeks a reason to pretend that their lives are worth living
1988- John Hughes films make being a misunderstood teen temporarily cool before he makes a bunch of awful films about Beethoven the dog
1995- Oscars arbitrarily handed out to people who aren’t Dennis Rodman
1997- Titanic becomes first film to earn more per year than the poorest 100 countries combined
2020- Oscars once again predicted to shun Dennis Rodman
REJECTED MOVIE PLOTS
Science geniuses create the first prototype human looking artificial intelligence. Scientists are dismayed when it starts acting like Lewis Black. Debates rage about whether it should be re-programmed or not.
Al Norton is going through living hell, trapped in a cross country misadventure in a van with his family for two straight weeks. Al’s family travels for days to get to the Corn Palace. Al insists that it makes no sense to drive for more than a day, looking at corn the entire time, to get to an unimpressive structure built out of corn. But his pleas are ignored by nimrod relatives.
Hugo Fletcher is a phone operator for MasterCard. He spends his weekends and nights providing top notch customer service to others instead of spending his free minutes on the phone with friends, family, and business associates. He strives to become regional manager of Oak Hills call center one day. But as his colleagues all know, it’s a long way to the top if you want to be Regional Manager of Oak Hills MasterCard Call Center!
ORIGINAL COMEDY
We should all be tired of the same impressions of famous stars. Do something unique! Try imitating the star of the independent film Branson’s Child, Zack Hill.
(DO A MONOTONE IMPRESSION)
Or Canada’s former Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.
(DO A MONOTONE IMPRESSION WITH A SLIGHT CANADIAN TWIST)
Or for a real challenge, take on AT and T Executive Chairman Robert Clifton.
(DO A MONOTONE IMPRESSION WITH A BUSINESS VOCABULARY)
If you do unique impressions, this will make you stand out above the hacks who all do the same shtick. Good luck finding your own personal Robert Clifton.
COMEDY HISTORY
Approximately 10,000 B. C.: First laughter, speculated to be first dick joke
2016: 3,964,697,201,814,802,549,134,592nd dick joke told
COMEDY IS CRAZY
I lack the talent of Jim Carrey, the likeability of John Candy, the courage of Bill Hicks, and the drive of Eddie Murphy. In fact, I lack the talent of Pauly Shore, the likeability of Gallagher, the courage of Woody Allen, and the drive of Tommy Chong.
Funny people aren’t born that way. How many babies make you laugh with their wit?
Many people think their slightly funny friend should be a professional comedian. It's like thinking your friend who knows how to flush the toilet should be a plumber.
I'm not smart. I might be bar smart, but who cares? Smart people are curing cancer. Bar smart people can tell you things like Homer J. Simpson's middle name is Jay.
Anyone who is delusional enough to believe the best thing they can do with their limited time in life is perform comedy deserves to be laughed at.
I tried to be a great comedian, but I found it hard to be funny during times of tragedy- like every moment of existence.
I tried to save the world with comedy, which was as successful as any logical person knows it could be.
The Bill Cosby allegations make me glad I can settle for jerking off.
Life’s not fair: Bill Cosby still has 1 million dollars for every rape accusation.
The Seinfeld curse will probably be even worse in 50 years.
SNL writers and actors knew they BOMBED whenever Jimmy Fallon didn't laugh.
Comedy is pointing out the powerful are just as stupid and weak as the rest of us. Comedy is pointing out how absurd we are in dealing with pain. Comedy is trying to be noble while recognizing we’re failing miserably. Comedy might also be pies shoved in faces, funny sound effects, and bodily functions.
Successful comedians tend to be former losers who are posing as current losers to earn respect and money from actual current losers.
Describing a person who laughs so hard that they have trouble breathing is funnier if they survive.
I tried to imitate my comedy heroes until I realized that they were even worse people than me: Richard Pryor, Woody Allen, and Bill Cosby may not have always been the most admirable people to attempt to imitate OFF STAGE.
TV
Most people in show business have no business having a show.
Quiz shows make no sense. They’re too hard for stupid people and too simple for bright people.
Television was called a vast wasteland in the 1960's when they only had three channels. What would they think of the thousands of broadcasts of pure crap we have today?
Proof that the world is absurd: We live in a world where hard workers can starve and Vanna White became a millionaire by smiling and turning game show letters.
I haven’t met anyone who can logically explain how any soap opera makes it to air, stays on air, and outperforms any other show.
MEDIA PUNDITS ARE WELL PAID ACTORS
I can’t help but wonder if conservative pundits are playing characters to make more money, or if they really are that stupid. In the case of the most popular pundits, I admit they do great theater. The mock outrage of Bill O’ Reilly, Glenn Beck, Hannity, or Limbaugh is often laughable. I think they’re like Stephen Colbert: Completely over the top, deliberate farces. I could be wrong. Maybe they believe in what they say they do.
Not that the “liberal” media is any better. Most of the “liberal” media does the same pandering for dollars, the same ass kissing for profit, and challenge the status quo as much as a Pat Sajak appearance on Wheel of Fortune.
At least Colbert has enough integrity to admit he’s a highly paid actor.
ART
I wanted to be a great artist until I realized I'd rather get drunk and skip the art.
The only difference between a bum and an artist is the paycheck.
I hope more people strive to be great artists so there's less competition in everything that's productive.
You aren't a successful artist just by creating a few things. You are a successful artist when you convince fools with real jobs to give you money for the bullshit you create.
Irony: UGLY artists
Artists are prone to behavior that would kill normal people, like trying to make a living as an artist.
Creating great art can result in a lifetime of financial failure, as it did for Van Gogh. Or one can pick up a toilet seat like Marcel Duchamp and make a ton of cash.
CHAPTER 4. GOD
GOD
How was human life created? After years of study I’ve combined the best of all theories, so I think I’ve got the answer. God big banged a monkey.
If there’s anyone who can prove the existence of God to me in less than one second, go!
I’ve been asked, “If you don’t believe in God, what do you believe in?” My reply is “I believe drinking water is better than being dehydrated.” I don’t think everyone considers my answer to be theologically satisfying. But it helps me sleep at night.
If humans are made in God’s image, why are humans so cruel and weak?
If God is just, why did I get pulled over for speeding when I was just keeping with the flow of traffic?
To Intelligent Design advocates: What intelligent being designed your God?
God speaks to you personally? Then why are you an insurance salesman? If God was talking to me, I’d be a gazillionaire who saved humanity. If God talks to you and this is what you do, you must have one boring and powerless God.
You want to find God? Spin around in a circle a bunch of times until you feel dizzy and fall down. Then write down your visions in a book. That’s as accurate as anything we’ve got so far.
I hope that if there’s a divine being, it is more moral than the kids I went to junior high with.
Children are a godsend sent by a God that’s a sadist.
Anyone in a relationship with God must get tired of being constantly stood up.
Bad things happen to good people because God likes naps.
Bad things happen to good people because God hates kiss ass rule respecters.
People who act as if they are God’s gift to humanity are often the worst evidence for their argument.
If God appoints political and religious leaders, God appears to favor incompetent pricks.
God isn’t watching us. Statistically speaking, if God is watching anything it’s Chinese sitcoms.
If you have to know your enemy to beat them, queer literature should be mandatory in Godly schools.
I think a fun way to prove the existence of God would be on an Etch a Sketch.
Why do so many people suffer? It turns out God isn’t a people person.
If there’s a God watching us, perhaps we should put on a more entertaining show before we get cancelled.
CHAPTER 5. PHILOSOPHY: THE QUEST TO FIND THE MEANING OF LIFE IN A MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE?
Forget what you learned in school. Life requires knowing more than nothing.
The future is bleak. At least it hasn't arrived yet.
If you think the universe is fair you have delusions or amazingly biased evidence.
I’ve been told the universe is indifferent to me. Maybe it should take the time to get to know me better?
Why not go after your dream? It's just you against the entire universe!
I'm small and weak compared to my mortal enemy: The universe.
If realizing how little you know is the sign of wisdom, trust me, I DON'T KNOW SHIT!
GOOD PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: How should I act despite being clueless about almost everything?
EXISTENTIAL JOKE? A man walks into a bar and remains as long as possible to escape the horrors of his mundane labor, unappreciative family, and to forget about the struggles required to survive in an ultimately meaningless life barely worth temporarily living.
If you can afford to live in a place where you can wipe your ass with something made by humans, you don't live simply.
If knowledge is power why do thugs so easily beat up nerds?
I try to be realistic. Since I don't understand most of reality, am I just kidding myself?
Even the best people are often forgotten. Who’s the best buggy driver of all time? How about the best phrenologist?
Is earning a large fortune the only measure of success? Does this make Bernie Madoff a more valuable person than Albert Schweitzer?
Subjective reality is easy to disprove by swiftly punching believers in the mouth.
SCIENTISTS MAY BE PULLING A BIG HOAX
Scientists could make up all this crap about microscopic atoms for more grant money. Think about it. How could a non-scientist prove them wrong?
“INTELLIGENT” DESIGN
Intelligent design isn’t intelligent and is poorly designed. Intelligent design should be re-named GOD IS AWESOME! DESIGN!
FUN PHILOSOPHY QUESTIONS FOR STUDENTS
Do you think the study of the meaning of life has any meaning? Or would you rather experience life directly instead of reading dull textbooks?
Are you amazed at how clueless most people appear to be?
How many people do you know who are happy? Are they oblivious to suffering or are they just rich?
Have you noticed how philosophers are big on asking questions, but are bad at giving clear answers? Don’t you think that sucks? Do you consider them intelligent?
Have you learned one thing in class that’ll help you deal with actual problems?
Are you more confused now that you’ve reflected on philosophy? Was it worth it?
Do you believe any of what these supposedly great thinkers say? Or do you believe that there’s more truth and relevance in video games?
Could citing philosophers get you a better job?
Do you want to be a philosophy professor? If not, do you think this has any relevance to your life?
Do you despise the human condition even more now?
Are you more aware of how hopeless it is to try to find definite answers? Can you settle for knowing that you’re ignorant about most of life?
Are you okay being yet another meaningless sheep or will you have the courage to try to do something with your life other than take orders for a paycheck?
Do you believe anyone will care about anything you’ve ever done in two hundred years? If so, why?
Is there any way you’d consider changing your major to something more useful, something like anything else. Even communication is better!
Are you okay with the fact that philosophy has no answers and asks depressing questions?
Is it better to believe in a false god or nothing at all?
Have you ever seen any adult use algebra in real life?
Have you ever considered that your teacher is underpaid, and has to deal with annoying, cocky maggots like you most of their waking hours?
Do you think anyone who agrees to be a school teacher represents the best of the crop?
Do you think this simple presentation represents all the known facts about the subject matter?
Did you know the entire educational system is in place to create fearful workers instead of intelligent adults?
Have you ever thought that your entire history book is one-sided and written by people who care more about making a living supporting the government in power than providing you with detailed descriptions about the past?
Do you think they make chemistry class boring just so you never think about how easy it is to make your own drugs instead of practicing mindless consumerism?
Did any of your classmates become better people by taking geometry? Do you believe anyone in your class will ever use geometry in their real life, other than maybe trying to win a bar bet at a pool table?
Do you think you or your classmates will ever be considered competent enough to give a public speech?
Did you know that those honors dorks you make fun of are ten thousand times more likely to end up your boss than any of the losers you hang out with?
Why are you busy completing homework when you could be trying to fuck the prom queen? Or any other hottie. It’s all good when you’re young.
Did you know that nearly all of your classmates are just like you- scared to death about the future? No wonder, there’s some crazies out there. But take a look around. All those incompetent and clueless adults you know have found a way to make it as far as they have. If those numb skulls can make it, somehow you should be able to someday too.
Have you learned anything in economics class about business other than it might be a bad idea to learn financial lessons from a teacher who makes the salary of a teacher?
Have you considered that any of the stuff you have to read for class should stay in the fifteenth century? Did you know that there are people writing books still today? Have you considered that a living author could create words that might interest you?
Do you think you should be doing more important things in your formative years than playing dodge ball? Or do you believe that gym class is equally as unimportant as the rest of your classes?
How can you believe your high school is encouraging a healthy life style when you’ve seen what they serve in the cafeteria?
Are you smart enough to realize that most of the testing that determines your grades only requires you to temporarily memorize tiny amounts of information that you don’t care about?
Are you embarrassed to live in a country that has the most financial wealth, but is nowhere near top levels of performance in any area of academics? Why do you think this is true?
Do you have trouble paying attention in school? If yes, do you believe you have a disorder, or do you just not care at all about the mindless drivel teachers go on and on about?
Why have you resisted the urge to begin a riot in class? What do you think is the worst that school authorities can do to you, as long as you don’t get violent?
Do you believe that you’ll want to stay in touch with anyone who you experienced the torture of going to school with?
Do you realize that as bad as your school is, some kids have it even worse?
How will school help you meet your future goals? Do you even have future goals that are unrelated to sex and partying? Don’t you know that sex and partying are better if you have money?
If you actually paid attention in civics class, are you shocked that most laws are ignored by most people every day? Can you believe that anyone believes the laws of the United States, created in 1776, are the best ever?
Do you believe that dissecting frogs makes you a more knowledgeable person, or does it take you back to your childhood days of unnecessary torture of helpless creatures?
Other than how to negatively balance a check book, do you feel you’ve learned anything important in business class?
LYING TO CHILDREN
Why do adults lie to kids? Because it’s not easy to admit to innocent beings how clueless we are.
“Daddy, why do bad things happen to good people?”
“Well son, the entire objective truth of reality is unknown. Each person
has limited subjective experiences and uses their perceptions to determine the
nature of the universe. Unfortunately, there doesn’t appear to be any
conclusive data that can prove what ethical standards are superior.
Therefore, good and bad are merely subjective constructs that can’t be
supported by reliable evidence.”
“What?”
“Let me try again. The universe is indifferent to the actions of humanity. Good things and bad things happen to people based on mathematical probability. People who are good are likely to get good back in return. Those who hurt other people are likely to be punished for their bad actions. But there are many exceptions to these generalizations.”
“Huh?”
“Okay, I don’t know. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. Nobody knows for sure.”
“Why’d you say that other stuff first then?”
“Uh, hey, look over there….”
Tell the simple truth to kids. Admit you’re clueless. You’ll look like less of an ass.
FREEDOM?
Freedom for many people is deciding which giant corporation one wants to be a slave for.
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT FAMOUS PHILOSOPHERS
Freud had awkward visits with his Mother
To Jean Paul Sartre, all of life was free time.
Marx disregarded many capitalist values, most obviously beard trimmers
CHAPTER 6. FUNNY SONG TITLES AND BAND NAMES
FUNNY SONG TITLES
LOVE BALLAD FOR PROMISING MAD SCIENTISTS
YOU LOOK EVEN WORSE THAN YOU SMELL
AGE 34 BEATS JESUS
I SECOND THE MOTION TO KICK ASS
THEY DON'T GIVE GRAMMYS TO SHIT, DO THEY?
POINTLESS PACIFIST NINJA
JESUS: QUITE A GUY
MIDWESTERN AND HUMBLE ABOUT IT
Mother Earth gives up everyone for adoption
Heaven must be missing an average looking woman
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE
ANYWAY
I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING ME
NOBODY'S PERFECT, RIGHT JESUS?
I wish my dick was as big as your heart
Quoth the ravin’
POOR AIM IN LIFE AND
BATHROOMS
2 DUM 4 WURDZ
Dance with death, refuse the after party
Number one songs somehow suck
How can you tell new age songs apart?
Feel my largest organ (My skin babe)
Kiss me if your parents approve
Pre-school dropouts
Yet another damn love song
I never abused drugs, I used them
I’m dying to meet God
Curious George learns awful truth
You put the cunt in country music
IS HE THROWING UP OR IS THIS A SONG?
THE 2 COMMANDMENTS: CUTTING GOD'S FAT
HONOR THY DRUNK MOTHER AND ABSENT FATHER?
RIP OFF OF POPULAR STUFF
FART FRAT: KEEP FARTING
PROPERTY OF THE FEDERAL
RESERVE SYSTEM
PROPERTY OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER
PROPERTY OF RICH,
PSYCHOTIC WHITE MEN
PROPERTY OF A BIZARRE UNIVERSE
Yodeling is for people who hate other people
A MUSICAL BOB ROSS PAINTING
Vegetarian: 1/2 the fat, 1/20th the fun!
GET INTO MY SCHEMES AND INTO MY WAR
GOD DITCHED ME FOR A YOUNGER WOMAN
AT LEAST IT HAS THAT ONE GUY YOU LIKE
WHAT? YOU IS CRAZY DUDE!
PANDERING FOR THE HOLIDAYS
FUNNY BAND NAMES
NESTERUK AND SOME OTHER GUY
THEY MIGHT BE MIDGETS
THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY?
FATHERS OF IMITATION
THE WHO THE HELL ARE THEYS?
NAME NOT IMPORTANT
NOT AS POPULAR AS PAUL MCCARTNEYS
UNINTENTIONAL JOKE
WISH WE WERE BETTER
ACOUSTIC TECHNO
NO BIG DEALS
WHO GIVES A SHITS?
THE FAKE ORGASMS
ONE IOTA OF TALENT
BARELY MUSIC
CRANK ZAPPA
THEY'RE FREAKS!
A FEW NOBODIES
THEY CAME FROM MODEST MIDWESTERN HOMES
GAVE UP HOPE LAST WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS
CHAPTER 7. I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIMPSONS HAVEN’T HIRED ME YET
I wrote the best cover letter of my life. They still haven’t gotten back to me! The nerve!
453 North Fake Street Apt. 2B
Chicago, IL USA 60640
773-HOT-SHIT
Cover Letter from the “Awesome Writer MIKE NESTERUK!” December 19th, 2008
For Mr. Matt Groening, creator of, and I assume hiring guy for The Simpsons
Dear Mr. Moneybags Groening,
The opportunity to be a writer for The Simpsons appeals to me more than anything else on planet Earth. The expectations of the job are fair and well suited to my professional interests. I sincerely believe I’ll fulfill my destiny and the world will become a better place if I’m given the chance to write dialogue for cartoon characters for lots of money.
I feel that I view the world and its contents in a unique manner, much like the fine members of the current writing staff. There’s much you have to offer me, but I can offer you even more. I look forward to teaching you and your writers a few things about comedy!
I’ll have you know that I am one of the few prestigious graduates of the highly esteemed Comedy Writing Program at the IO Chicago Theater. Under the tutelage of TWO famed Hollywood writers, I learned how to write pure comedy gold.
My SUPER impressive comedy resume includes regularly performing improvised comedy in the Chicago area for the last 10 months at the elite Chicago hot spot known as The Playground!
My most recent amazing achievement is performing in an independent sketch comedy show titled “Trippin’ on Santa” this month at the Chicago Center for Performing Arts. My finest stage acting moment: I played Dead Body # 2, #4, #6, and #8 in a crazy sketch about hurricanes so well, it would make your head spin.
I look forward to accepting your generous job offer to me the instant you read this page.
Call me! My number’s on the top of the page big guy!
Mike Nesteruk
CHAPTER 8. MILITARY: GETTING RID OF PEACE, ONE STEP AT A TIME
Kindness isn’t always a virtue. Ask war vets.
War is hell for people who have to fill out paperwork for funding too.
I never stood up to people with guns, bombs, and sit up power. This is probably good. I don't think people without guns, bombs, and sit up power have historically done well against people who have a lot of those powers.
GAYS IN THE MILITARY
The most elite killers in the world are concerned about gay guys destroying their agenda? Does it matter when someone’s head is being blown off if a troop prefers penis or vagina? How is that relevant to anything the military could or should do?
I’m challenged to think of a situation. And I think of some wacky stuff. If the soldiers are homophobic, I find that disturbing. They have no problem killing people, destroying entire villages on demand, and doing whatever they’re told to do by their commanding officers, but can’t handle some dude having sex with another dude?
It’s prejudice which shouldn’t be in the military. Read a book. Alexander the Great led forces that conquered a great deal of the known world when he was a gay young man.
If you can train a soldier to become desensitized to taking human life, it should be a cakewalk to train them to ignore a fellow soldier’s sex life. The military should stop dwelling on sex lives and focus on destroying lives.
MILITARY RANT
I’d love for the military to be held accountable for truth in advertising.
Join the military!
Do you want to serve your country?
By blindly accepting orders to kill anyone on command?
Do you want to see the world?
But only the most gruesome and terrible parts of it?
Do you want money for college?
All you have to do is risk your life for years based on the whims of whatever phony leader is in power to get a bachelor’s degree!
Then the army is for you!
Assuming you aren’t too sick, weak, or stupid.
You can be an army of one.
Or, more accurately, one of our many sheep who does exactly what we say, OR ELSE!
Become one of the elite.
If you stay alive.
Sign up today if you want to sign your life away.
They’ll take your life
Order you to kill
You might get to bomb women and kids
You might get to tear someone’s guts out
Torture a bunch of people you never knew before
Throw grenades
Drop bombs
Slit throats
Or preserve democracy through forcible invasions
Sign up today!
CHAPTER 9. MISANTHROPE: NO MATTER WHAT, YOU’RE ALL DONE FOR!
Anyone who believes they’re best at everything should try breaking the world record for time spent staring at the sun.
The gift of youth is failing to realize how completely fucked you are.
The global population has reached over 7 billion. The time has come for at least a few billion people to reconsider their stances on birth control, abortion, and staying alive.
Surround yourself with people you love and you may fool yourself into believing the world is good.
Rent a movie if you want to escape your problems for a while. Rent a boat if you want to escape your problems for a long time. Rent a shotgun if you want to escape your problems forever.
If I had a nickel for every time I encountered an honest man I’d still have less than a dollar.
Nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams, unless you count reality.
A human being is a collection of infinite hopes and finite abilities.
Lying to authorities is only a crime because they don’t want anyone using their tactics against them.
Believe that your life makes a difference and you'll at least have one false belief.
Trusting authority is tough in an era when priests are rapists, teachers have sex with their students, and politicians are only weird if they have no sex scandals.
Stealing is wrong. Except for when powerful institutions do it to common people.
There’s no good reason to be bitter towards anything, except with the universe and everything in it.
Decide what to be, or a cruel universe will decide for you.
Today’s forecast: A long, dull, and pointless evening for most of the planet.
CHAPTER 10. MY FAILED ATTEMPT AT A COOKBOOK
I made an effort to create the world’s greatest cookbook. I admit mine “sucked.” I think there are some bits from it worth preserving.
Title: EAT LIKE A QUEEN ON A JESTER’S BUDGET- Food tips for the broke to billionaires
REJECTED COOKBOOK TITLES: Ways to eat well on a budget, The realistic guide to eating well, How to eat well despite being middle to lower class, How to eat well on a budget, How to eat well despite being near broke, Food is funny, Food is rather strange, Weird Food book, Appreciate the chance to stuff your face, Give up and get a lot better food, Unique Cookbook, An Odyssey with Food, Grub for everyone, Recommended food, Never forget that I love food, The foods we love, I fell in love with food but it cheated on me, I can laugh at food and you can too, You can laugh at food, Never give up on the food, Eat until you die, We all love food, Eat for pleasure, profit, and stories, The love of food is never enough, Eating well for the lower class, Five star dumpster dive cuisine, guaranteed to eat well, living for the delicious vittles, taking orders from a no star chef, Even poor people can eat well, Life’s too short to pay too much for food, the Cheapskates guide to good food at low prices, Get a deal on your meal, bang for the buck, Jump into food savings!, You don’t have to suck the corporate tit to eat well, Stand up to the food industry man!, Get better foods right now, Have a realistic idea for your food needs, eat like a champ, score grub, Enjoy the food experiences, Eating like a champ despite being broke, Having found cake and eating it, Steak lifestyle on a meatloaf budget, Chow down while you can, Never enough time to eat the way you want, figure out what you want to eat most, Creative food options, You ate what?, You can live off other’s waste, Open your mind to trash diving for meals, How to eat well for less, A practical guide to eating whatever the hell you want, cheap
FOOD IN POP CULTURE
Some of the pop culture food references that have made me laugh throughout the ages:
Eat it, My Bologna, Spam, Rocky Road, Drive Through, by Weird Al Yankovic
Vaughnnie’s Mustardanoaise, GloboChem Ding Dong Burgers sketches from Mr. Show
Krustyburger, lobsters stuffed with tacos, Duff Beer from The Simpsons
The Soup Nazi, The Junior Mint, and The Bizarro Diner Reggie’s from Seinfeld
The Frozen Banana Stand from Arrested Development
Letterman and canned hams
Pie throwing, in general
La Tomatina, the big tomato fight they have in Spain every year
Guinness World Records for biggest foods- how ridiculous
Guinness World Records for speed eating- odd that it’s considered a talent
Cartoons with characters hunting- Tom and Jerry, Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote vs. Roadrunner, etc.
The Chaser’s War on Everything- Vomino’s Pizza, Dongers, Preppy juice bar, Cracked Pepper waiter
Chappelle’s Show- Black Gallagher, pancakes served in the Prince sketch
In Living Color- Imposter Sketch, Jim Carrey asks “Would you like fries with that? A hot apple pie with that?”
The Ben Stiller Show- Casey Kasem interrupted at dinner, TJ O’ Pootertoots
SNL- Bass O’ Matic, Colon Blow
Monty Python- Spam, The Cheese Shop
Celery Head from King of the Hill
The Naked Gun and the guy in the lab dropping the banana out of his mouth
Wayne’s World and the Pizza Hut, Pepsi, and Doritos ads
Dumb and Dumber and the Ovaltine
Austin Powers and the fruit covering up breasts, Big Boy
The Godfather and every meal they have
The Truman show and the weird food ads they have
Ferris Bueller and Che Quis
Dazed and Confused with the alcohol and herbs
Goodfellas and the jail house cooking
Tommy Boy and the Shrimp
Swingers and the late night diner
Children care more about candy than anything else Seinfeld stand-up bit
Dave Chappelle stand-up bit about grape drink
Stand-up comics on 7/11, Big Gulps, airplane food
Gallagher and the watermelon- not actually funny, but funny that people think it’s funny
Art- It’s great that so many of the old school artists focused so much on painting rich folks and food. A modern tribute might leave us with fine paintings of Bill Gates scarfing Pizza Hut.
Science vs. farce- Scientists tend to not to be fat, which makes me think the weight loss methods science recommends may be better than the ones in supermarket gossip rags.
Sports- Humans can only eat like athletes if they’re willing to work out an amount that would be considered psychotic for every day citizens.
HOW TO HOST A SUCCESSFUL DINNER PARTY
Make enough money to afford one, or steal enough to afford one
Make enough friends to warrant calling it a “party”
Get a ton of amazing food as cheap as possible
Play the greatest hits of the Village People
Provide ample booze and other recreational drugs of your choice
COMPETITIVE EATING
It’s odd that we have rewards for competitive eating contests. Who believes eating a lot of food quickly is something that should be acknowledged as a significant human achievement? Especially in a world where millions of people don’t have enough to eat at any speed!
How do people in the third world feel when they learn that there are folks who get paid six figure salaries for competitive eating? I suspect that it may be the actual leading cause of terrorism.
A FEW THINGS KIDS CAN USE AS AN EXCUSE TO EAT FRUIT
Skittles
Starburst
Sweet tarts
Pop tarts
Runts
Cherry Pepsi
Gum
Milkshakes
Popsicles
Jolly Ranchers
Cake
Lollipops
Any of the above in a smoothie
A FEW THINGS KIDS CAN USE AS AN EXCUSE TO EAT VEGETABLES
Nachos
Potato Chips
Pizza with garlic sauce
Bean burritos
White Castle burgers always have a little onion
Lots of good treats have vegetable oils:
Cookies
Doritos
Cheetos
Fritos
Ruffles
Lays
Pringles
DIETING
Only eat celery
Try the 2 peas a day Buddha meditation diet
MC Hammer diet- He looks pretty good
Ice cube diet (frozen water, not the actor)
Flavorless mush
Only eat food you hate- you won’t want any more than you need
Go broke
FOOD
Food fights rarely happen with communion wafers/transubstantiation crackers.
Veal is probably a popular dish among child rapists.
Just because you live in a nation of privilege doesn’t mean you have to show edible proof.
Solution to world hunger problems: Teach poor people about blow jobs and anal sex.
Zero bars are called that because they’re the favorite candy bar of zero people.
Most people stop trying to figure out who they are once they get hungry.
Whale should be eaten at more competitive contests, because it’d be harder to run out.
I would abandon every principle I ever had just to have a sandwich after a day of having none.
I had to cut back on food before my ass got bigger than my ego.
My diet lets me eat anything I want if it makes my doctor gasp.
Lemons are the worst thing regularly put in pies. It’s sour! You ever have chocolate or pecan? They’re actually good. If you’re going to eat unhealthy pie anyway, pass on lemon pie.
Rich people prove they’re better than others by flaunting fine possessions, like the GRAND stuffed burrito from Taco Bell.
I had an unhealthy relationship with food. I had my way with it for a few minutes at a time, then neglected it, only to cheat on it with even more appealing grub over and over again.
CHEAP COOKING TECHNIQUES
Open a can- Find way to get lid off can.
Microwaving- Put food in microwave. Hit start button. Pull food out of microwave.
Boiling- Cook water in a pot. Throw food in. Remove food when done.
Turn on oven- Use hand to turn oven button on.
Frying- Throw oil in pan. Make oil hot. Throw food in pan. Bring out food when done.
Grilling- Plug in Foreman grill. Put food on it. Take food off when done.
Over an open fire- Make a fire. Impale food with a stick. Keep food over fire with stick. Stop when food is done.
Pay someone to cook- Offer goods or services to general public. Accept monetary payment from them. Use money notes to bribe others to make tasty food for you.
Raw- Buy something edible. Eat it.
Make a smoothie- Put food in blender. Turn blender on. Make blender go. Pour into cup. Sip it.
Other cooking techniques- Too complicated. Don’t bother.
CHAPTER 11. NEWS HEADLINES (NOT AT ALL LIKE THE ONION, THE CHASER, OR WHATEVER CRAPPY CAMPUS COMEDY PAPER YOU READ)
I believe most people are too busy, lazy, or stupid to read full articles in newspapers. No chance anyone reads entire comedy articles! Why do work no one cares about? Give the 2% of the general population who bother to read mock news headlines what they kind of want. Just headlines and a few tiny bits instead of these complicated “articles.”
If I had a newspaper, my front page would read:
Because we’re greedy capitalist money whores, a word from our wonderful advertisers!
ALL PAYING SPONSORS ARE LISTED SO EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHY HEADLINES ARE WRITTEN IN THEIR FAVOR
Despite my snappy appeal, no sponsors have joined me. So without further ado, some mock news headlines:
HEADLINES I’D LOVE TO SEE
Science discovers cure to death, pain, aging
Discovered to be oxygen, all humans can have eternal life, youth and bliss from now on
Politicians tell the truth, end the unnecessary charade of tyranny over humanity
Financiers release iron grip on the world, all people can now live like billionaires
National “Chill the hell out day” extended to 360th day, no end in sight
Depths of the universe now being explored, humanity finds some new cool shit
Food still good
Art still pretty
Music still awesome
Books still read
Movies still enjoyed
Comedy laughed at even more
New, obviously superior philosophy created
Humanity travels across world and space at their leisure
Every restaurant becomes a free all you can eat buffet handled by robots
99.99% of society agrees that new real life Lego houses are “pretty sweet”
Loved ones get to hang out in freedom
Life is good!
Pundits have nothing to complain about, nation watches Simpsons re-runs
Stock market plummets to nothing, nobody cares
Science creates new toys for humanity to enjoy
Due to lack of need, world militaries dismantled
Mind crushing labor ends
Religion voluntarily abandoned by all
Cures to all mental and physical illnesses discovered
Humanity finally achieves universal goal of being able to screw around like we were meant to
Humanity lives in freedom minus mandatory oppressive competitive labor and guaranteed death
Good times had by all who want them
Despite having survival needs automatically met, humanity continues to create, learn about, explore, and experience unique parts of the universe
That’d be ideal. Here are some headlines for the universe we actually live in:
MUST READ HEADLINES
Democracy spread by force, maintained by force, leads to freedom
Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’ Reilly, Sean Hannity finally join the army
“Never too late to put the money where the mouth is!”
Third World debt skyrockets with “no money down” offers from Western Civilization for cure to deadly virus
President lies to self, others, about everything
Oil of Olay releases Blood for Oil of Olay
Homeless seek cost of barely living increase
Isolated Christian group worried America may invoke God’s wrath by breaking one of the Ten Commandments
Pope proves infallibility on Jeopardy!
Hung-over Catholic unwillingly rejects the gift of transubstantiation
Abridged Cliff’s notes to The Bible released: It’s all bullshit!
Noam Chomsky rewards pals with neon “I’m with genius” t-shirts
Mormonism gets mandate from God to re-ban black priests
Atheist proves Bible wrong by enjoying $2.4 million home built on sandy beachfront
“A foolish man builds his house on the sand my ass!”
Muslim scholars claim Jesus converted to Islam in prison
God answers prayers to remain uninvolved in human affairs
Former N.W.A. members now working with pasty white rappers, acting in Disney films, playing a cop on TV, or dead
SUICIDES AT ALL-TIME
HIGH FOR LANDLINE PHONE COMPANY WORKERS
DREAM VACATION AGAIN
RUINED BY ECONOMIC REALITIES
POLITICS
China continues communist revolution with $800 million dollar corporation
Saudi Arabian politicians debate giving women the right to choose gynecologists
France only nation expected to threaten U.S domination in World Arrogance Cup
Government suspected of occasionally misrepresenting truth to masses
Fox News delivers heads of liberal war protestors to staff for Christmas gifts
Terrorists lay down arms: Plan to let sinking economy, poverty, famine, and natural causes to do their work
George Bush sad that he can only destroy thousands of lives at a time in private life
Obama declares the end of private property
“The Republicans were right. I really am a socialist.”
Obama criticizes human rights violations in China, sends more troops to Iraq, Afghanistan
Obama” Very upset” with Biden’s “I’m with stupid” T-shirt
Obama amends “Yes, we can” to “Yes, some of us can”
Israel achieves peace for three seconds
“If we can just imitate what we had for those three brief seconds, life will be swell.”
Obama: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and the global recession, double digit unemployment rates, two wars, North Korea, more terrorist attacks, no health care, starvation, crime, poverty, debt, illnesses, death, etc.”
Saudis vote to ban voting process in favor of Theocratic Islamic Royal Rulers
“The people have spoken!” proclaims glorious hereditary king
Obama demonstrates “Change” policy with new state of the art homeless center built on White House lawn
Rwandans divided between brutally corrupt temporary rulers or slightly different brutally corrupt temporary rulers
Amid alleged sex scandals, Republicans pledge a vow of celibacy
Vatican City invades Italy
Italians “confused”
Congress bans non-Christian sex
Lying media claims to be outraged by lying politicians
President fails to keep his campaign promise to “solve everything forever”
CIA conclusion: Your leaders are right!
Despite no specific allegations of lies being made, intelligence agency assures the people in charge are telling you the truth
Congress reduces requirements for military to breathing
Republican Party declares deadbeats should no longer receive free oxygen
Obama presidency ends American racism
Expected to destroy worldwide racism by 2017
KKK denies being racist
“We aren’t racist. In fact, there’d be no racism at all if everyone were just like us.”
Unemployment claims match exact amount of afternoon Jerry Springer viewers
Middle Eastern leaders meet to discuss legalized same sex friendship outside of marriage
Taliban outlaws women’s lust inducing eyes
Creates new shades for women
Fictitious leader makes fictitious promises to fearful public
Obama fulfills campaign promise of change by finally taking off Election Day suit
Obama fulfills campaign promise with sex change
Spain imposes sanctions on employers who disobey full 3 hour siesta regulations
“We were trying to catch up so that hospital could have electricity again. But rules are rules. I guess.”
Workers of the world unite, watch soccer instead of revolting
Young politician trying to make a difference brings laughter to rest of Senate
Senator proposing bill to legalize sex with 14-year-olds named Emily Johnson questioned
“I can’t put my finger on it, but something about this bill seems odd.”
Republicans offer billion dollar grants to upper 1% to help laid off workers get trickle down
Pragmatic school offers courses in how to earn welfare
“We can’t do any worse.”
Kim Jong Un agrees to face tough questions from media
“How do you stay so tough?’
“Is it tough to be as wonderful of a leader as you are?”
“Can your teach others to be as strong and tough as you are?”
African leaders aim to reduce debt with Capitol One Card
Poland nervous about war games with Germans
Minimum wage workers can’t believe slavery was ever legal
“How unjust and inhumane!” said worker in between second and third jobs
Thai government warns about reading dangerous websites, encourages kickboxing and prostitution
Israel returned to Palestinians, chunk of Germany finally given to Jews
Republicans propose universal health care reform for needy
“We’ve arranged for all of them to be taken care of by Dr. Kevorkian.”
OLD TIMEY POLITICAL HEADLINES
Millard Fillmore will be remembered forever!
War of 1812 ends at precisely December 31st, 11:59 and 59 seconds
“I made a one year commitment. Now this war can kiss my ass!”
President Andrew Jackson strangles Indian with bare hands during speech
Crowd applauds wildly
RELIGION
Scientists discover God past expiration date
Scientists discover all diseases caused by abominable sins
Abortion, homosexuality, heavy petting, among others
Israel re-claiming more holy lands of others due to divine mandate
“Some days I just don’t get why the one true loving God, who favors the Jewish nation of Israel above all others, tolerates the crap those idolaters pull.”
Creator of the universe delivers the inerrant word of God regarding prayer: NO!
Pastor struggling to come up with believable reasons to tell funeral attendees their atheist prick relative made it to heaven
Mormonism gets divine mandate from God to reverse polygamy policy
Obama converts to Scientology, nation throws up
God with low self-esteem becomes an atheist
“I have no good reason to believe in myself anymore.”
America accuses scientists of cheating in science vs. prayer competition
“I think them science dudes was just prayin’ better.”
“Well, God does work in mysterious ways.”
Man made in the image of God explains why dudes are so much uglier than chicks who evolve
Preachers encourage believers to ignore evidence outside of God’s word
“You can’t use God’s word to prove that God’s word isn’t true.”
Quran continues to dominate Saudi Arabian best seller list
Gods reveal truth to humanity in 4,593,679,824 different ways
Islamic fundamentalists upset about latest rap single, “Holla at Allah!”
Why aren’t there any Orthodox Jewish champion hot dog eaters?
Satan refusing to take much needed day off
East St. Louis trip “frightens” Satan
Satan apologizes for “All the bullshit”
Southern Baptists lobby for communion wine to be switched to gravy
Agnostic college freshmen no longer sure if he can believe anything he wants to
Local boy 1/4th Jewish by heritage, persecuted for faith he doesn’t practice
Anti-Semites with poor math skills claim 14 million Jews rule 7 billion non-Jews
God answers extremely vague prayer that would have happened anyway
God pens first self-help book
Theologians stunned to learn universe created and run by Satan
God extends “day” of rest another 2000 years
Man credits God for delivering him from crisis God gave him in the first place
Meaning of life found by naive 18-year-old
“I can’t believe the greatest minds of all-time failed to find what was so obvious.”
Young woman abandons seeking the meaning of life for corporate job
“I’d rather have money.”
Confused young man seeks meaning of life in confusing book written by confused, primitive men
After years of silence, Woody Allen admits to being Jewish
Meaning of life not found watching YouTube videos
God maintains strict “no comment” media policy
Yahweh angry at humans he made in his own image for trying to be like him
Satan creates even more irresistible salted snack
“They’re so good you won’t care if they kill you and send you to hell.”
Mohammed role in upcoming film goes to Carrot Top
“If we’re going to be blasphemous, let’s go all out!”
Drug addict pushed to be religion addict
JESUS CHRIST!
Lazy Catholic school student does class report on openly gay clergy
Christians lobby against fictional character
Claim to be offended by his “false enjoyment of life without Jesus”
Catholic Church admits Roman Italians killed Christ
“We’ve blamed the Jews long enough?”
Christians boycott Pizza Hut after they realize Italians were the real Christ killers
Jesus did not pick those church clothes girlfriend!
Vatican secretly discovers Jesus was an undercover version of Vishnu, burns evidence, passes church collection plates
Christians upset at courthouse displaying ten secular laws
Youth overcomes childish imaginary friend by turning to Jesus Christ
Jesus tells pop stars they don’t know the meaning of “amazing comeback”
In response to unanswered prayers, Catholic Church admits Jesus may have died on the cross
Christian sect claims Jesus only loves 1.5% of little children
Local Christians can’t understand how anyone can believe in many gods, no gods, or in one God who isn’t one of their three
If he had applied himself, Jesus could’ve revolutionized carpentry
Jesus comes back and delivers real inerrant word of God
“I don’t know how you guys believed in that junk Bible. I thought the total failure of prayer would have been enough to convince you that book was obviously a rough draft.”
Jesus offers half-hearted apology for putting humanity on hold for 2000 years
“Even though we all know this is impossible, my bad.”
Christian uses bizarre excuses to defend literal belief in the truth of The Bible
“Man cannot understand the ways of God.”
“The Bible is the most popular book in the world.”
“I know Jesus is the savior in my heart.”
“God works in mysterious ways.”
“You have to read the whole Bible and take it in context.”
Jesus angers fundamentalists by giving everyone a get of hell free card
Christian cult allows much better savings plan than Scientology cult
“Jesus only requires an automatic ten percent cut. Those greedy idolaters in Scientology take EVERYTHING.”
Christianity reports third quarter losses of 1.2 billion souls
Church sex education course teaches that God should be a part of sex
“That is some freaky shit!”
Madonna tour as successful as ever with warm up act Jesus Christ
Christian God finally releases version 4.0, adds Allah
Mafia plans to intimidate St. Peter to “donate” all access heaven passes
JESUS WOULD MAKE A GREAT CHARACTER IN A MURDER MYSTERY
Study shows 99.9% of Christians who claim The Bible is literally true have never read all of it
ENTERTAINMENT
Abba turns down offer to re-unite for 10 trillion dollars
“We will not reunite, not even for an amount of money that will solve all major world problems.”
Beyoncé dumps Jay-Z for Pope
“I want more power!”
Jay-Z and Beyoncé share secrets to successful marriage
Know you’ll lose millions of dollars if you get divorced
Vin Diesel takes on challenge of playing Gary Coleman
Rapper unable to speak or sing proper English supposedly writes best-selling book
James Cameron struggles to find sensible script for Titanic 2
Multiracial James Bond creates new catchphrase “Bond. James Endinga Gonzalez Yomamatu Bond.”
Aspiring stand-up comedian unsure whether to suck in LA or New York
J.D. Salinger opens dance club
Struggling author rejected by publishers, real employers, the universe
“God, his life is so pathetic.”
Suicidal writer can’t get the ending right
Top psychology professionals admit Tom Cruise was right
“Psychology was all a scam. Tom Cruise knew all along. Scientology is the real source of truth in the universe.”
Bill O’ Reilly, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity begin White Collar comedy tour
Devil decides it’s a better idea to challenge fiddle players for their soul in Maine Middle School
“God, these kids really suck. It’s like shooting souls in a barrel.”
Smooth Jazz world shaken up by guy who isn’t totally boring
New tell all Motley Crue book chronicles their wild days of sobriety
Chalk full of pasta recipes, child raising tips, and sound stock investment advice
Larry the Cable Guy still striving to reach artistic level of guy who did Ernest movies
Most offensive Canadian punk band appalled at rude behavior of average American
Award for worst continent for adult entertainment goes to Antarctica
Starving Ethiopians learn about multi-million dollar Rob Schneider movies
“That silly man makes more from one goofy film than my family will make working 20 hour days for the rest of all our lives.”
Activision releases 124 piece set Orchestra Hero
Man fails to impress ladies with exceptional presidential trivia knowledge
Blue man group hates white people
Art critic horrified to realize taste in art is subjective
Exceptionally annoying and intrusive busybody teenage girl hailed as prodigy by the Paparazzi
Pop culture geek admires and feels sorry for even bigger pop culture geek
Unique sounds produced by avant garde triangle player
George Lucas and James Cameron create blockbuster with Avatar Star Wars
Bradley Cooper weighing ten year offer to play cocky pricks
Nation mourns the death of Martin Scorsese in advance
“That day will be such a loss that it will be heart breaking.”
God expresses the desire for a bio-pic starring Denzel Washington
Stephen Spielberg directs Biodome 2 to win bet
“I want to see if I can make millions, even with the worst idea ever.”
Satanists protest latest Christian themed “Veggie Tales” film
“This movie isn’t real. There are no real talking Christian vegetables.”
“Vegetables can’t talk. And if they could it’s highly unlikely that they would accept the obviously manmade religion of Christianity as true. They’d clearly become worshippers of the dark Lord Satan.”
Academy selects Citizen Kane for lifetime achievement award, American public gives nod to Dumb and Dumber
Lead guitarist for local band has realistic aspirations to play Des Moines
Newest NY Times best seller: “My Life as Hannah Montana” by Dan Brown
Gordon Ramsey insults Simon Cowell
Calls him an “over the top, mean spirited, absurdly dramatic, self-righteous jackass”
Everyone puzzled by vehicle covered with Puddle of Mudd bumper stickers
“Who likes them better than every other band?”
“I imagine they’re at least first cousins, maybe closer.”
“Maybe they’re being paid by Puddle of Mudd.”
“Perhaps the band did the song they got laid to for the first time or something.”
Daniel Day Lewis cast as lead in new Three Amigos re-make
Requests Tyler Perry and Pauly Shore as fellow amigos
Dr. Dre achieves lifelong goal, attains Astrophysics PHD
Mars introduces new bitter white chocolate to honor Eminem
Simon and Garfunkel shock fans by going techno
Angelina Jolie paid $20 million for movie 99% of world wouldn’t watch for free
Kevin Dillon “uncertain” how he got inspiration for actor overshadowed by brother
Buddy Holly tribute band refuses to fly
Tito, Marlon, Jackie, and Jermaine Jackson murder the President, commit ritual suicide
Receive 1/10,000th of Michael’s coverage
Air guitar champion arrogant about pretend skills
Extensive Rock N’ Roll Anthology book somehow leaves out Wichita Anarchy Boyz
Accidental CD skipping at New York club becomes techno hit
First time horror actor prepares intensely for role as dead body #4
Grown man still takes enormous pride in VHS collection
“It’s like he doesn’t realize it’s completely irrelevant now.”
“Sure, he has a lot of movies. But I think a ten-year-old doing lawn chores could make enough money in one day to buy his entire collection.”
“And those movies are mostly crap anyway. Karate Cop? Piranha II? Brady Bunch Sings? These are hardly Criterion collection material.”
Publisher rejects children’s book proposal from R. Kelly
New Odd Couple to star Noam Chomsky and Larry the Cable Guy
Jeff Foxworthy records new album in French
Kanye West ponders title for next album
Go West young man
Wild Wild West
Western bacon cheeseburger
Westward ho
Wicked bitches of the West
No Quiet on the Western front
Western style BBQ
Best Western
Les’t ye be West
Make West a guest
Be West’s guest
West’s behest
Rest with Kanye West
West best ever forever
Poet somehow affords tour bus
Ayn Rand fan newsletter 1000 pages long
Someone must be lying about book and CD sales
“Who buys that junk? Ever hear of downloading or the internet?”
Carlos Mencia accused of stealing material Denis Leary stole from Bill Hicks
African American comedians struggling to create current material about racism
“With the era of Obama, I guess we’ve finally achieved racial equality.”
World’s greatest triangle player sick of “lack of respect”
Halliburton CEO hoping to improve image agrees to interview with Michael Moore
“An interview with an impartial journalist who reaches a mass audience is just what I need to clear up any misunderstandings about me or our company.”
World discovers comedic talents of bitter retired man
“God, he’s so raw and edgy! He says what he thinks and doesn’t care about the rest of the world.”
Artist sells out, becomes capitalist pizza boy
Stand-up comedy performed by 17-year-old changes the world
“Humanity will never be the same.”
Black Eyed Peas sell out!
“I can’t believe a band that has displayed such artistic integrity would resort to crass commercialism!”
New author excited about book tour, old author laughs hysterically
Struggling actor just wants to make it to D-list
“I’d settle for being mocked to eat and pay rent.”
Larry David struggles to identify with role as misanthropic millionaire TV writer
Strip club unsure how to make casual Fridays more casual
Oprah e-mail telling reviewer to “go to hell” becomes New York Times Best Seller
Musical genius reduced to creating jingle to sell greasy meat sandwich
Suburban Mom worried reggae band possibly advocates drug use
Blue man group offers new all black clothing line
Eccentric writer becomes obsessed with writing the best Bazooka Joe comic of all-time
Aging rock band celebrates with monogamous sex, legal drugs, and rocky road
Advice to job seekers: “Be more like Oprah.”
Queen of England resorts to shock value by dating Johnny Rotten
Tito Jackson wonders if media would have same reaction if he’d died first
Home Depot sponsors bizarre tour with Tool, Hammer, and Nine Inch Nails
Law enforcement officials finally apprehend rogue members of A-ha
Will Smith secretly envies ample free time of DJ Jazzy Jeff
Struggling diet book author changes direction with “Eat whatever you want and die fatty!”
Adam Sandler’s new contract demands 1 million dollars per goofy face
Out of touch comedian still has great bits about the absurdity of hair metal
Writer works 16 hours a day to create book that will bore everyone
Kiss tribute band finally unmasked
No one cares
Completely average movie serves as a mild amusement
“Stuff happened. This movie had an adequate amount of things that people like in movies.”
Improvisational comedians fail to get anyone to care that stand-up comedy is not improvising
Audience there to get drunk and laugh instead of thinking
Zero students attend opening day of speech class taught by Fran Drescher
Local country music festival has same attendees as KKK meeting
Weird Al Yankovic set to create a masterpiece making fun of every song of ever written
Sideways II keeps up with new economy, has stars battle over malt liquor in alley
Woody Allen set to re-make one of his 70’s films nobody can tell apart
Not Annie Hall, but one of those other ones
Subtitled film ignored by speakers of all languages
James Lipton dies instantly upon learning Dennis Rodman opened an acting school
Despite obvious differences in physical appearance, local Grandmother keeps getting Ice T confused with Vanilla Ice
Children’s cartoon provides more valuable lessons to local boy than first five years of school
American public confused about hype over Blossom re-union
“It was never that popular, even when it was on. I don’t know anybody, ever, who said their favorite show was Blossom.”
2 Live Crew claim Michael Jackson ripped off “Black or White” from Two Live Crew’s “Nigga or Honkey?”
Michael Jackson wore trademark glove to hide his obsession with the game bloody knuckles
Republican punk band hated by punks, Republicans
Aging Spinal Tap turns it down to 10 and a half
Out of touch comedian has an unbelievable amount of material on Jackie Gleason
America changes national anthem to “Pimpin’ All Over the World”
Ludacris proud
Concerned Mom crosses only one name off Bat Mitzvah guest list: Roman Polanski
Jaleel White waiting for casting call for 10 years of experience playing incredibly annoying nerd
King of late night: Which smirky white guy is it now?
Film anticipated to repulse intelligent adults expected to soar to number one
I may be wrong, but it seems Bill Maher has some disagreements with Christian doctrine
Shocking Jerry Springer guest exclusive confessional!
“I may have embellished details about my private life a bit” admits former Springer guest
Brilliant neurosurgeon can’t figure out obsession with reality TV
“We already live in reality. Why not live your own life instead of passively watching others?”
Due to potential financial losses, Hollywood stops making new films, will only do sequels
Condo association debates pros and cons of admitting Pauly Shore
Time traveler from last century impressed by modern time wasting
“YouTube, TV, sports, movies- you people are amazing at doing nothing.”
Tom Cruise fails to understand how anyone can struggle in this economy
“All you have to do is make one movie for $20 million.”
Mom fails to understand why family laughs and barks when she asks “Who let the dogs out?”
Jim Belushi worried about losing his ability to feign enthusiasm for next awful sitcom
LOCAL AUTHOR QUITE AWARE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT
MAN READS ACTUAL BOOK, NOT JUST CLIFF NOTES!
POLKA BAND ANNOYS EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE
IMPROV COMIC WORKING ON CREATING JOBS OUT OF THIN AIR
OLD MAN CONFUSES ALL POP STARS YOUNGER THAN HIM WITH EACH OTHER
COMIC KILLS, THEN KILLS- Has a great set, then murders ex-wife
Troubled youths seek peace by listening to death metal
FOOD
Pizza designed by bitter employees to be disgusting sells well
Subway employee admits any moron could make a better sub at home
“There’s nothing we do that anyone with hands couldn’t do easily at home.”
“I’ve had grocery store subs tastier than ours.”
Kentucky Fried Chicken only thing area senior ever looks forward to
Doesn’t care about family, possessions, external universe, health- just KFC
Lunch packed by bulimic mom vastly superior to one from anorexic mom
IN YOUR FACE! Water Company markets 3H6O!
Triple the hydrogen and oxygen to the extreme!
“Maybe this is a dangerous chemical combo. We don’t know. We just want to provide EXTREME water to EXTREME people!”
McDonald’s patronizes healthy by offering new Styrofoam tofu salad
Famous vegan chef regrets moving to Texas
Local man who never left Olgaburg thinks Olgaburg McDonald’s is best restaurant
Einstein’s E=MC squared proven false at all you can eat buffet in Columbus, OH
“These people have way too much mass and appear to have no energy. This buffet has scientists back at the drawing board.”
A-LIST RESTAURANT SLIPS TO F-LIST WITH JUST ONE BLOODY HOMICIDE
PETA members sleigh 10 billionth vegetable
SPORTS
Current Cleveland Indians even less famous than stars of Major League 3
Third base coach contemplates lateral career moves
Communist golf caddies seize country club
Zydrunus Ilgauskus worried his media exposure is less than LeBron’s
Phil Jackson creates Zen method to keep worst players benched
Dwight Howard angry no one cares about his revenge dunk over Nate Robinson
Scout for Philadelphia 76er’s somehow still has job
Cleveland Browns use draft pick on Ben Bernake
“We’ve tried drafting athletic talent. That has failed miserably for decades. We figure, let’s try something bold. Let’s draft an economic powerhouse.”
Philosopher football coach asks: “What is the real point of reaching the end zone?”
To get Christiano Ronaldo back, Manchester United offers Falkland Islands
Baseball fans unsure where shortstop fits into sexual analogy
Local man misrepresents his son’s status as a “Philadelphia Eagle Scout”
“His son is one of the older versions of the Boy Scouts, not an NFL football talent scout.”
Major League Baseball bans eating meat
“Meat is known to provide users with questionable muscle building proteins.”
Losing team regrets putting effort into trivial game
“Does anyone really care if we win or lose?”
Professional shuffle board hall of fame opens, closed on same day
Tacky lowbrow golf club makes ridiculous policy of putting only
“I think the prestige is too low for this Putt-Putt country club to make it.”
Golf analyst suddenly realizes the absurdity of his profession
“I’m a grown man talking about the most pointless activity on the planet.”
Michael Vick considers lucrative offers from slaughter houses
Retiring horseshoes champ ponders next move
“We don’t have coaches, color men, or refs. I guess I’ll get an insurance job or something.”
KFC supporting local soccer team, Kentucky FC
Steroid use rocks professional bowling
Clearly confused elderly man tells grandchildren he remembers when baseball was “exciting”
Due to success of Williams sisters, U.S. women’s national tennis team bans whites
Baseball now officially ranked the 1,892,736th most popular national past time
Knicks plan to spend whatever it takes to disappoint loyal fans
Local children’s soccer game sometimes appears to be somewhat disorganized
Kobe Bryant plans to prove he’s better than Jordan by hitting over .200 in minors
Supposed hockey fan should just watch boxing
“He only gets excited for the fights.”
“We offer the excitement of baseball, hockey, and soccer minus all the dull failed attempts at scoring and no violence rules.”
Pope proves to be fallible on ice skates
Football coach forgets why he resorted to yelling in the first place
Detroit Lions try hiring a self-esteem coach
Djokovic claims John McEnroe was a huge influence in encouraging him to be a cocky prick
Fantasy sports winner is logical contradiction
Ray Lewis given odd looks at the gun and knife expo
LAZY SLOB DEVELOPS ATHLETE'S FOOT?
FRISBEE GOLF COURSE DOUBLES AS OPEN AIR DRUG STORE
Brazilian soccer star can’t understand icy reception in U.S.
STAR SOCCER ATHLETE IGNORES FANS- Claims there is a "language barrier."
ALLEGEDLY FAMOUS ATHLETE NOT RECOGNIZED AT STAR TREK CONVENTION
USA national soccer team working hard to get crushed by vastly superior teams
USA SOCCER FAN GIVES UP ON FINDING ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT
Somehow, pro arm wrestling league exists
SILLY
Unscheduled Gun Show replaces Pacifist Parade
Black Panthers hold white sale
“Everything definitely must go!”
High school student instructed to write what he knows complies, writes nothing
Top psychic world’s richest man
“It’s not fair, but I figure why use this gift interpreting dreams or talking to the dead when I can be rich?”
Housing crisis “doesn’t seem bad” reassures richest 1%
HOUSING MARKET: DEPRESSED OR BI-POLAR?
CAPITALIST PIG BROTHER REFUSES COMMUNIST BROTHER AN EVIL LOAN
MIDDLE AGED MATHEMATICIAN REALIZES HIS ODDS OF LIVING WELL ARE PATHETICALLY LOW
RISING COST OF EVERYTHING MAY NEGATIVELY IMPACT THE UNEMPLOYED, EMPLOYED, AND EMPLOYERS
STATE OF ECONOMY MATCHES SHITTY WEATHER FOR THIRD DAY IN A ROW
AMERICANS DECIDE: DECLARE BANKRUPTCY OR FAKE DEATH?
HONEST NEWS- The world sucked, is sucking, and will continue to suck. Give up you useless fucks. The weather should be tolerable today, but it will get back to sucking ass again soon.
IN LOCAL NEWS- WE'RE ALL FUCKED! This is true everywhere.
Upper lower class worried about trailer home market
Funeral home staff reprimanded for playing “casketball”
Very unprofessional, despite being a great game
Ethics teacher places students in intense real life dilemmas
Youths forced to make decision to save a starving African child or sacrifice their family car. Next week’s field assignments involve abortion and the death penalty.
Social worker fails to make a difference for 3472nd day in a row
Arab pilot changes career
Racist unsure if he should hate neighbors or invite them to next meeting
“They’s real dark for white people, if they are. But they’s real light for coloreds. Maybe they sand Negroes. I can’t tell. I’ll just assume I should hate em’ til they prove their whiteness to me.”
Abortion rights group uses Scooby Doo to warn about dangers of “those meddling kids”
Studies prove everything may increase the chance of death
Primary school starving artist suggests eating crayons
Suicide note brief
“I killed myself- Rick”
FRED DRACULA REFUSES HONORY TITLE OF COUNT
“Just call me Mr. Dracula. I don’t need more bad jokes.”
Bernie Madoff acquires 10 billion cigarettes through Ponzi scheme
Father gives rebellious kids awful advice
“The world owes you a living.”
“Have lots of sex now.”
“Don’t bother getting an education.”
“Jobs suck. Go sell drugs.”
“You have to attack people to get what you want.”
“I figure, kids rebel against what their parents tell them to do. So why not tell them to do terrible things?”
Out of touch book writer fails to realize 99% of the world too lazy to read free articles on-line
High school student is leader of local Star Trek club and ruthless gang
“I’m striving to be a leader in a diverse array of social organizations.”
Local man unsure about how to solve problems decides solution is to “hit the bar” for 2897th time
Father pretends to be homophobic to avoid seeing his kids’ musicals
“Christ, that stuff is dreadful.”
Irish pride parade ignores literature, art, academics, glorifies green Miller Light
Insurance underwriter believes he’s the Hunter S. Thompson of his profession
“Even if that were possible, which it’s not, he’s not even close.”
Bill Gates takes night job at Waffle House
“Hey, everyone is worried about the economy”
Ice cream man plays rotating tolerable music, maintains sanity
Recent college graduate brags about new five figure salary
Rural Utah busybody overwhelmed by gossip in Salt Lake City
1950’s themed diner maintains segregation
Confucian fails to convince American teens of the value of ancestor worship
Philosophy major choked to death by business major
“He’s so impractical, wasting an education on crap that has no chance to contribute to the global market!”
Lower class too busying working to be worried about rising costs in everything
French exchange student hailed as genius at American public high school
Claims he’s just average in home country
“He like, knows some other way of talking.”
“He can like, you know, do homework at school.”
“This dude reads books for fun! You ever heard of that?”
Jasper, Alabama man claims homosexuality doesn’t really exist
“Hell. I don’t know any queers and I lived in Jasper my whole life.”
Columbian drug cartel switches to exploiting people with more profitable legal drugs
Civil rights group lodges protest against labeling printers “colored”
Despite tragic national obesity levels, American grandmothers still want us eating more
South Carolina man in coma for 30 years dies when he discovers president and top golfer are black
Respectful traveler unsure how far to go in Middle East
“I want to respect others customs, really I do. But arresting anyone who doesn’t pray towards Mecca at five enforced times? Beating women for showing their faces? Stoning adulterers? I’m kind of torn.”
Recent studies show 100% of pollsters hate being lied to about getting paid
Naïve young mime hurt by his peers “silent treatment”
Grunge found to be “stupid” by affluent suburban parents
“Why in the hell is it cool to dress like a bum Tyler? We have money.”
Young child confused about why all office workers have to dress exactly the same
“Surely you could do your job without having to look like everyone else!”
GREAT PHILOSOPHERS DEBATE: SHOULD I GET FRIES WITH THAT?
CHESS CHAMP KNOWS THE MOVES TO MY HEART!
CHESS CHAMP ONLY AVERAGE AT CHUTES AND LADDERS
WORLD'S HEAVIEST MAN SEEKS A LIGHTER COMPANION
WORLD'S HEAVIEST MAN HAS FATAL HEART ATTACK AFTER READING BASIC HEALTH STATISTICS
WORLD'S HEAVIEST MAN NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING WITH UNDERWEIGHT RELATIVES
STUDIES SHOW THAT ALL OF THE DEATHS FORMERLY THOUGHT TO BE PREVENTABLE WOULD HAVE EVENTUALLY HAPPENED FOR DIFFERENT REASONS ANYWAY
CHAPTER 12. POLITICS: SHAMS ON PARADE
POLITICS: Pricks call other pricks lying pricks. Many pricks argue about which pricks lie more.
It’s hard to believe, but it’s possible that some politicians are a bit less than completely honest.
It’s unrealistic to expect a politician to give you a better way of life unless you’re the one bribing them.
Deciding who to vote for is like picking the lesser evil of two counter boys at McDonald’s. They’re both controlled by something much larger than themselves.
I don’t bother voting, because I don’t trust people who participate in elections, people who count the votes, or people with guns who enforce the alleged votes.
Many people only follow laws for personal benefits, like the benefits of not being imprisoned, tortured, or killed by the state.
Anyone who believes law is always right has never read a history book, newspaper, or law book.
Slavery is still legal in some places. Watching MTV is a capital offense in others. Laws aren’t always good.
Can I say anything nice about our political leaders? Yes. They haven’t personally ordered anyone to kill me yet. Well, that covers all that I like about them.
Fun conspiracy theory: The world is run by Obama’s daughters.
I think I’ve solved the mystery of one of the most famous political killings of all time. To get more business, the bookstore people shot Kennedy.
Universal health care will never come to America until every person becomes a rich Republican.
It makes no sense to be a conservative in a world of constant gradual change.
Possible location of next U.S.A. war: A land of non-white people with oil.
Liberals want progressive change. They often fail. Conservatives want things to stay the same. They always fail.
Hard work isn't always good. I wish ISIS was lazier.
I won't save strangers. What if I save a total bastard? I'd hate to be the one responsible for saving Hitler in World War 1.
My plan to help stop racial injustice in America: I won't personally kill any young black men and won't personally help any law officer shooting at young black men. Unless I personally know the young black man and think he should be shot.
The greatest movie of all-time is subject to debate in the USA. I imagine in North Korea THE Impressive and Perfect Life of THE Dear Leader is everyone’s top pick.
How can you have a conservative party? No celebration of life is conservative. If it is, that's why it automatically sucks.
Political irony: A president becomes HIV positive from raping his aides
9/11 was an inside job if you live inside Saudi Arabia.
People who admire politicians are like cockroaches who admire fecal matter: They get something they value out of shit which no other living beings could.
Even a war zone is a paradise for certain psychopaths, war lords, and sadists.
9/11 was the first time I saw people in Ohio losing their minds about anything of less importance than losing to Michigan.
One of the worst parts about 9/11 is that roughly 1/365th of humanity now has a bittersweet birthday.
Proof that Americans tend to be lazy: Many spend more money than they have frequently and still settle for making the number one business in everything Wal-Mart.
I thought I wanted to be a rock star, but the truth is I wanted to act like a jackass, mistreat others, and be worshiped by idiots. That's why I'm going into politics.
A guy was talking about the boss of his bosses’ boss. I asked if that was Obama.
Gods are as useful as the homeless at the Republican National Convention.
My ancestors were too pathetic to afford slaves and just competent enough to avoid being slaves.
My ancestors were too poor to afford slaves, but too white to be them.
My ancestors were too lazy to have slaves and too lazy to be slaves.
Who in their right mind has ROYALTY in 2016? Why would I pretend to respect that?
I have no sense of right and wrong. I grew up in America.
It's funny that a country founded on sleighing the people who already lived here and stealing their sacred lands now claims we instill our children with "American values."
I have American values: I kill everyone in sight until I own everything.
I have American values: I consume everything and don't give a damn about anyone else.
PROS AND CONS: Pros get
away with systematic crimes, cons go to jail
If I ever buy a boat for
a dictator, I’ll christen it the
Censorship.
If you want to move intelligent people, write a play. If you want to move the masses, write a movie. If you want to move fools, write a political speech.
I don’t mean to insult politicians, but I have a brain and working eyes.
I bet most Japanese people aren't fans of historical recreations of World War II.
North Korea should have some of the best impressionists in the world.
Have you ever realized that all of the money you've earned in your entire
lifetime isn't even close to as much as the amount of money used to fail to pay
off interest on the national debt every day?
RANT AGAINT THE MAN
We criticize “the enemy” for:
THEM US
Being cruel Unlike our healthcare for the poor
Obeying senseless beliefs blindly Republicans
Blowing themselves up Uncle Sam wants you!
Having leaders who lie Clinton, Bush, Obama, etc.
Trying to acquire a nuclear weapon US total- 10,000 plus
Wanting to destroy freedom In the US you need a license to fish
Lying to the young School is important? God is watching you?
Plotting to take over the world Who invaded who?
Being controlled by dictators Unlike our TWO parties for the rich
AN HONEST POLITICIAN
What would an honest politician say? “I don’t care about any of your whiny little problems. I want wealth and power. Don’t you know that whoever counts the votes determines election results, not you idiots? Democracy wouldn’t work anyway. Look around your world. Would you want the people you see determining any important decisions?
So I’m done with the suit wearing, the smiling, and the promise to make your lives better. You’re all screwed. Anyone with even an ounce of intelligence already knows it. Don’t waste your time voting. I’ll be put in charge by the corrupt pricks I know anyway. Thank you. Oh, and God isn’t blessing you, or anyone else. Grow up America.”
WHO CARES HOW EVIL DRESSES?
What does dressing in a suit and tie have to do with being a good leader? Nothing! To shake things up, I think we need a nude candidate!
DORK HISTORY BIT
There’s nothing original about comparing someone to Hitler. I like comparing someone bad to another World War II villain.
“You sir, are worse than Emperor Hirohito!”
“Who’s that?”
“The evil Japanese ruler of World War II!”
“Whatever. Nerd.”
TRUTH IN GOVERNMENT, ECONOMICS, RELIGION, MILITARY
Since the bureaucratic powers are eliminating the rights of ordinary citizen privacy, let’s turn the tables on the powerful. Let’s pass a mandatory law that all officials in politics, economics, religion, and military are watched by cameras 24 hours a day. If they have nothing to hide, no more private meetings! No more bullshit secrecy due to “national security.” We have the technology to show exactly what our “leaders” are doing constantly. If they have nothing to hide, they shouldn’t object.
Even if this system were set up, clever people might find a way to cheat the system with stunt doubles!
Alas, another beautiful dream that may never happen.
CHAPTER 13. RANDOM COMEDY BITS
Featuring:
ADVICE FOR TERRORISTS
APRIL JOKES
A WAY WITH WORDS
BAD IDEAS
BETTER OR WORSE
CLOTHES
FAMILY
FATE OF GIVERS
FUNNY HOROSCOPES
GAMES
HADRON COLLIDER ACTION HERO CHEESY LINES
I DON’T GET…
IF MLK WERE ALIVE TODAY
IMPORTANT
JUST SICK
MEN ALWAYS DEVOLVE
MISANTHROPIC CARDS
MISTRANSLATED
MOTHER’S DAY, FATHER’S DAY, AND JULY 4TH ARE SCAMS
MY MOST GLORIOUS SPORTS MOMENT
NEW TWIST ON OLD JOKES
PERFECT WEDDING
SCHOOL KIDS WRITE FUNNY THINGS
SCIENCE
SHELTER
STOP ABORTION
THOUSANDS DIE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED
TRAVEL
TRAVEL TIPS FOR SOUTHERN AMERICANS
ADVICE FOR TERRORISTS
Decide what you want in life. Find out how to most easily take it from whoever has it. Take it.
You may have to cooperate with people you don’t like. It’s worth it if you can destroy these people later.
Put everyone you can in jail. If you jail enough supposedly innocent people, eventually someone will be guilty.
Torture isn’t always the best way to make someone talk. Sometimes getting to know them better is more rewarding.
Killing an innocent man is only a mistake if you don’t get media coverage.
Remember, tough guys rarely finish last unless it’s a sensitivity competition. Play rough.
APRIL JOKES
It's hard to take any news seriously on April Fool's Day. Talk about open season for liars!
An April Fools joke headline stated that Trader Joe's would be closing all of its stores. The fake news resulted in a large amount of suicides from people wearing ugly Hawaiian shirts.
The weather reports and forecasts for April in Ohio should be "unpredictably shitty."
A WAY WITH WORDS
He was on the crapper when he should have been working.
A WEIGH WITH WORDS
The scale must be wrong?
AWAY WITH WORDS
I'm stealing this MAD Magazine!
BAD IDEAS
Forming a Brady Bunch cover band
Reality show about doing laundry
Pacifists who taunt Islam in Pakistan
BETTER OR WORSE
Old friends < New idiots who aren't as annoyed by me yet
My desires > My things
My dreams > My reality
My choices < Good
My hunger > my discipline
My lust for sex > every other quality of mine
CLOTHES
I only change clothes to keep up appearances.
My fashion statement: I hope I don't get arrested for indecent exposure today.
CLOTHING is for people who are ashamed of what they are. I hope most of you have a LOT of shame.
Socks should never cost more than what I had for dinner.
I dress for the job I want. That's why I look unemployed.
I stripped from the waist down and all I got is this lousy t-shirt.
I'd rather people think I was homeless than go clothes shopping.
FAMILY
Distant relatives are usually kept distant for a reason.
The worst times of my life have been when I was surrounded by loved ones while sober.
Catching up with family can be a treat, as long as conversation is kept to a limit of five seconds.
“Hey.”
“Bye.”
That’d be the best family conversation ever. But it never happens like that.
FATE OF GIVERS
John gives his spare tire to a stranded stranger. The stranger drives off. John gets a flat tire a few miles later. John waits and waits for someone to stop, but no one does. While getting more eager to get back to his plans, John tries to get more attention by waving frantically closer to the road. John is killed by a vehicle he never saw coming. Close friends and family say John was heading to church or a soup kitchen. Media reports he was heading to a whorehouse.
GAMES
I tried to be a great game player. I was great at the sitting on my ass part, but terrible at focusing my limited time on gaming excellence.
GAME IDEA- Real life dodge ball: Do everything possible to avoid adult responsibilities as long as you can. This is a tougher game if you have kids.
HOROSCOPES
You will do nothing memorable for the next 125 years. Sorry.
You will have trouble breathing due to your disgusting flatulence.
The stars predict nothing for you, filthy atheist scum.
Eating Funions and drinking watermelon Gatorade isn’t recommended right before your job interview.
It’s unlikely that you’ll have sex with The Pope today.
Stop trying to figure out your life purpose. Anyone with as little talent as you have will never serve a meaningful purpose.
Despite spending an absurd amount of money on it, you won’t win the lottery this week.
You should abandon any plans you had to overthrow a government.
HADRON COLLIDER ACTION HERO CHEESY LINES
In 2008, I began an ill-fated attempt to write a fictitious script about the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, near the French border. Fortunately, it produced my life’s contribution to the field of science! My contribution is some goofy lines it’d be funny to hear a Bruce Willis-esque hero say while dealing with fictional terrorists trying to seize the Collider.
“You have a date with a collider! My fist!”
“You’re on a collision course, to hell!”
“You Swiss just stay home again while I fight.”
“The UN has less authority than my dog’s turds!”
“If I get mad, I’ll show you atomic energy!”
“I hate it when scum try to destroy the world!”
“I’ll handle it from here, lab boys.”
“You science ladies step aside; it’s time for a real man to work.”
“I can’t frigging stop saving the world!”
“I don’t need a badge to protect the asses of humanity!”
“You’ve seen one atomic collider, you’ve seen em’ all.”
“French army? I don’t want any help from losers!”
“French women? I love everything about them except they always talk in French.”
“If the UN don’t like it, tell them to pass a resolution against me.”
I DON’T GET…
I don't get how musicians can be paid millions in a world where even toddlers know how to find songs on YouTube for free.
I don't get how book publishers earn money in a world where it seems no one has the time to read anything more complicated than a Burger King menu.
I don't get how movie theaters convince billions of people to continue to come out to packed theaters instead of waiting just a few months to watch anything they like in the comforts of their own homes, businesses, and sex dens.
I don't get why silly comedians who distract the masses from excellence are celebrated ahead of people who actually achieve greatness like scientists, doctors, and educators. But I love hundreds of comedians and 0 scientists, doctors, and educators combined.
Or maybe we love comedians because anyone with even a slight sense of humor can appreciate those who make them laugh and the rest of us morons don't have any actual understanding of what scientists, doctors, and educators do.
I don't get why so many religious people have such problems with sex between other consenting adults. How did they get here? I bet it was because two faulty people had sex.
I don't get how anyone could pay 100 million dollars for a painting, no matter how great, when they know that at least millions and maybe billions of people don't have enough food to eat.
I don't get why people try to find a perfect place instead of realizing the entire world is shit and they're better off walling themselves and their loved ones (if any) off from the rest of the psychos.
I don't get why a God would create flawed creations and then get mad at THEM for being faulty.
I don’t get why people looking forward to a heavenly afterlife would spend any time on this pain filled planet. I don’t’ get why people who fail to believe in the afterlife do so little to live amazing lives in this one shot they think they’ve got.
IF MLK WERE ALIVE TODAY
I am not happy today,
but I have a feeling this will go down as the best dream speech in
the history of our nation.
Long ago, Lincoln sent thousands to kill their own countrymen,
and signed a meaningless Emancipation Proclamation. This pointless
decree gave no hope to millions of whipped and chained Negro slaves
seared in the flames of withering injustice.
The Negro still is not free. There are way worse names we are called than
Negro! The Negro is broke, surrounded by evil, rich oppressors. You
know we live in shameful conditions. BET is below
degrading. Our only respectable leaders have to act whiter than Barry
Manilow to have any success. Oh, and we’re still left to die by the
thousands when something like Katrina hits.
We've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. And no, not a welfare
check you smug racists!
It is obvious America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has
come back marked "insufficient funds." America needs to
be better than some shady bookie!
We refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt, despite painfully overwhelming evidence that it is. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. We’ve seen the big houses that Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow have on Cribs.
And so we've come to cash this check, a check for freedom and security of justice. But if we can’t get that, at least hook us up with some reparations. Everyone knows slavery was the worst thing ever! Let my brothers and sisters see some cash!
This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Unless we are talking about cooling off with a refreshing Iced Lipton Tea. Lipton: The tea for great speakers like me!
Now is the time to make
real the promises of democracy. Without the brutal treatment of women,
Native Americans, Asians, Blacks, Latinos, Arabs, hillbilly whites, and anyone
in the white man power club that had the courage to speak out against cruel
racism.
It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. We have more kids who listen to Kanye West than our black cultural icons: Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Al Sharpton. Hmm… actually that’s probably a good thing. Too many of our leaders are corrupt charlatans, bullies, and frauds. Kanye’s at least got mad beats and skills to match his misguided arrogance.
But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. Let me in the palace man! I’m tired of talking to fools who don’t get my message in the streets. Let a hero retire in style for God’s sakes.
And as we walk, we must
make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. Let’s go forward by
looking back. We need more sitcoms like back in the 70’s, like Sanford
and Son, Good Times, or The Jeffersons. The trash we have now is
embarrassing.
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back
to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our
northern cities- if you’re an idiot! Grow up! There’s nothing but
misery in any of those places for us.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true
meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all
men are created equal.” Except for when we’re clearly way better.
Barack Obama or George W. Bush? Obama is superior in every way, except
maybe in monster truck races, barn dancing, or some mindless activity like
that.
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former
slaves and the sons of former slave owners will hold a boxing match for control
of the state. We would destroy those bigots!
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering
with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be
transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. But I have no belief
that will happen any time soon, so get out, fast.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where
they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their
character. Well, not that little devil Patrice, but you get my
point.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, one day
right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join
hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers. And
not in a disturbing Michael Jackson kind of way.
I have a dream today.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of America, or even better, in
the cities where black people actually live.
Let freedom ring. Find freedom by getting the AT and T free nights and weekends plan today! When we let AT and T ring we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, AT and T is free at last!"
IMPORTANT
I don't know if any music is as important as people who save lives. But I enjoy music more than celebrating the lives of the life savers. Maybe it's brainwashing or maybe it's following cultural norms. Maybe I genuinely find people who make great music more interesting than people who save lives. I mean, I think it's possible for many people to be noble, but only a select few can write a tune like Funky Town!
JUST SICK
I’m moral. I don’t allow X-rated materials in places where I use child slaves.
Have a sense of decency. Let me get my abortion in peace.
Love isn’t the way to solve many problems. Like child rape.
Only people who have solid values understand why I hate babies.
Finding the right words to end a relationship is tough. Especially with deaf, blind mutes.
Never accept that you’ve lost. Fight for what you want, wife beater.
The only guaranteed way to keep your kids away from danger is to keep them away from oxygen.
Abortion should be mandatory for all couples who can’t afford to send their kids to an Ivy League school.
If we want to improve test scores, any school kids who can’t pass proficiency tests should be beaten until they can.
Places where people can still be hung probably have interesting solutions to truancy.
The best way to win many women’s hearts is casino night at the morgue.
A gal asked about my job, sick Grandfather, and asked me to have lunch with her in the near future. I responded "Job=same, lunch=yep, Grandfather=dead."
Why is it bad to throw the baby out with the bath water? The water might be useful.
Abortion is a divisive issue. But not for long, once the little fetuses are killed.
MEN ARE INFERIOR TO BABIES
Babies start off being able to do whatever they want, sleep whenever they want, can say whatever they want, and spend a good chunk of waking hours sucking on breasts. Most men have to work awful jobs they hate, only speak their mind on rare occasions, and spend more time eating hot dogs than sucking breasts.
MISANTHROPIC CARDS
Get well soon. You can suffer for years and die a horribly painful death later.
Happy Birthday! As if you being one year closer to death is worth celebrating.
Thank you. You don’t suck as much as most people.
Happy anniversary. Let’s fuck our brains and other fun parts out.
Happy New Year. I hope you don’t do as shitty as every other previous year.
Happy Halloween. Don’t eat too much candy fat ass!
Happy Thanksgiving. Ignore the fact that whitey slaughtered injuns shortly after.
Merry Christmas. Hope your family is more giving than that cheap bastard Jesus.
Happy Chanukah. Hope you avoid getting your ass kicked.
Happy Easter. May your missing God finally make a comeback.
Happy Easter. Like the South, your Lord will rise again!
Happy Groundhog’s Day. Like it fucking matters.
Congratulations. I acknowledge that you achieved some petty accomplishment.
Happy graduation. Now that you’re done with school, welcome to the rest of cruel, bitter reality.
MISTRANSLATED
“Shit or get off the pot.”
Use a crude expression or leave the designated bathroom area.
“There is no god but god and Mohammed is his prophet.”
Only a spirit being is a spirit being and a long dead ancient desert shepherd warrior is his fortune teller.
“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”
If you present aquatic mammals to males they’ll consume them for 24 hours. If you instruct a male how to capture animals he’ll eat them until he dies.
“Hail to the chief.”
Bow down to your political superior.
“This song is the bomb.”
This particular auditory composition is explosive and dangerous.
“God, what a hot assed chick.”
Conceptual theoretical supernatural being, that’s a warm baby donkey bird.
“I got wasted and yacked all over.”
I shamefully squandered and spoke in many places.
MOTHER’S DAY, FATHER’S DAY, AND JULY 4TH ARE SCAMS
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are obvious ploys. Everyone had a mother and a father. Many people have living parents. These days might as well be called Human Acknowledgement Day! What’s next? I propose Children’s Day! We’re all the children of someone!
July 4th? People believe celebrating the violent revolution of our country should be done by getting drunk and watching fireworks displays. My guess is that grilling out, watching crappy parades, and watching TV wasn’t the vision of the future battling soldiers had in mind when they were risking their lives to found this country.
MY MOST GLORIOUS SPORTS MOMENT
I scored my first varsity soccer goal in the first game of my sophomore year. One of the guys passed a ball to me about 25 yards away from the goal, expecting to get the ball back right away. I hit the shot straight from the pass with the side of my right foot. It sailed into the upper right corner of the net. The goalie never touched the ball.
I was shocked. I was surrounded by shocked teammates giving me congratulations. Someone on the bench asked who’d scored. My friend replied “Mike.” The guy who asked said “Mike who?’
NEW TWIST ON OLD JOKES
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: The answer is ultimately unknown. Researchers have yet to fully comprehend the psychological motivations of the animal kingdom, including chickens.
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple shot. The bartender asks “A triple shot of what?” The man replies, “Give me the strongest thing you got.” The bartender asks, “The strongest? You sure?” The man replies, “Yes. The strongest.” So the bartender makes the shot and gives it to the man. The man guzzles it down and screams in pain. The man asks, “What the hell was that?” The bartender replies, “Jalapeño hot sauce.”
“Knock Knock.:
Who’s there?”
“Jesus.”
“Jesus who?”
“Jesus, the most famous person ever to walk the planet. The one who offers eternal salvation. The one who is the hope, the truth, and the light of the universe.”
“Never heard of you.”
“Oh, you must be Asian.”
PERFECT WEDDING
My perfect wedding: One million brides, Moonie style, but without the stupid religious stuff. I have women of all ages, races, and faces, at least the ones I like. It’s held at the top of Mt. Everest. Will guests die getting there? Maybe. But those are the weak ones whose friendship I didn’t need. No decorations, just music. I get the best Jimi Hendrix imitator in the world, and have him jam along with the best Freddy Mercury imitator and they sing about my glory with my beautiful women. No priest, just Bill Gates, giving me the signal to take over his financial empire along with my beautiful brides. I don’t kiss them all, because who has that kind of time? I salute the brides with a rock star point and mate with the hottest one within my reach, to show the world who’s boss. Afterwards, all you can eat pizza buffet. Not too shabby.
SCHOOL KIDS WRITE FUNNY THINGS
Mack Twane was bout how some kid and a slave runs away and gets rich. I think the other was sayin’, don’t sit in school boring. Get money n get payed.
Me siance thing was busted bi me baby bro. He can’t talk tho so u gots to beleave me.
History essay title- Why care about the past when things suck right now?
The Moaning Leesa looked like a woman who wore weird cloths.
Why coodent indiens and cow boys just get allong. They was fightin cuz indiens tried to steal are land.
Stead of paper bout Whirled War 2, I thought itd be cooler to right on the bball game on tv.
My SA is telling you why we shud have mo reses. Playins fun and helthey.
I is neverus in speak clas cuz I don’t wanna talk in frot a peeple.
I tired a waitin on yall slow teachas to tech gud stuf. I gonna lern my own thang.
The world is round? Not in Omaha where I live it’s real flat.
The capital of the United States is DC. No way. Newyork way bigger and better.
How can you say there’s no proof of God when The Bible says so clearly? You must be a moron who can’t read or can’t hear your preacher!
If theres tuns of radio stations in the world, why can’t I hear em?
English isn’t the official language of the US. Thats liars we al no eglish is umaricin.
I don’t like this new stuff everyone’s doing for exercise, yogurt. It’s a cult.
In news I red Jesus camed back and plays NBA hoops. I think he be do more better stuff. But who am I to questin or lord and saveier.
SCIENCE
MY BEST SCIENCE PAPER- Everything in science is too complicated. Thanks.
I appreciate science as long as it is more likely to keep me alive than kill me.
I hope science saves my sorry ass, or at least makes life a bit less miserable for me and others who can afford what they create.
Science can't save you, but can prolong your misery.
Science figured out how to see galaxies away, but can’t tell me what the smell in my apartment is.
My new branch of science: At least it's better than creationism!
I’m glad I learned a few facts about science before I realized I was more likely to take a shit on the president than make a valuable contribution to science.
My contribution to science: I am not actively supporting any insane dictators creating weapons of mass destruction.
It’s no coincidence that scientific research always proves the “need” for more scientific research.
Science should make people grateful, unless it led to the direct maiming or worse of loved ones.
SHELTER
I plan to stay home until the universe offers me something better than my fridge, couch, and bed.
Saving for a rainy day is wise for people who live in cardboard homes.
I hope I die in an apartment instead of a house, because no one will fight over my apartment.
STOP ABORTION!
Stop abortion: Be celibate.
Stop abortion: Kill all people who have sex.
Stop abortion: Kill all people with sexual desires.
Stop abortion: Kill all people with the potential to have sexual desires.
Stop abortion: Kill humanity.
Stop abortion: Destroy the planet.
Stop abortion: Destroy the universe.
STOP THE PAIN
Stop hurting other people. In a world where nearly everyone has a job they hate, governments make ridiculous rules for everyone to obey at the threat of gunpoint, and everyone dies, the universe is taking care of hurting others for you.
THOUSANDS DIE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED
Yesterday 150,000 people on planet Earth experienced physical death. Much of the death count occurred due to starvation in Africa and rampant disease in Southeast Asia. Cancer, old age, and accidental stupidity remained at steady numbers in the Western world. Numerous relatives of the deceased had much to say about those who passed, but failed to be reached for comment.
Out of the approximately
150,000 who passed away, 108,000 were thought of as generally good
people. They worked hard most of their lives to provide for their loved
ones. They treated others with love and respect and will be missed. 11,000 were
thought to be the salt of the Earth. They were absolutely fantastic human
beings who made life better for all they knew. 23,000 were thought to be quiet
people who lived meek lives. Even though they had their faults, they’ll be
missed. 8000 were thought to be complete assholes.
Some will be buried. Others will be cremated. A few will be merely
thrown aside to be eaten by disgusting flesh eating beasts. Although estimates
vary from region to region, the existence of an afterlife is thought to be
likely for most of the deceased. More than half are believed to be heading
instantly to heaven. Several thousand are predicted to be reincarnated. The
best of the reincarnated may be reborn as gods. The worst reincarnated person,
Barry Epstein, transformed into an untouchable monkey turd.
A few thousand are thought to be lingering in some type of bizarre Catholic
purgatory. About 10% of those who passed are believed to simply cease to exist
anywhere anymore. Only a few hundred were thought to be so evil that they might
actually end up in hell. Even these pricks are thought to be forgiven by most,
with the exception of fundamentalist Christians, fundamentalists Muslims, and
other fundamentalist monotheists labeled by rational civilization as
“nuts.”
The international media will inform the general public about the deaths of around 10 of the deceased. 9 of 10 will not have been heard of by most of the people in the world. Countless years of their existence will be reduced to a byline or maybe a few sentences in the death section. The passing of a pop singer with a one hit wonder will result in on air tributes off and on throughout the day. The others will be remembered at times by a few folks, but will be mostly forgotten for eternity. Damn.
TRAVEL
I hoped to learn more about the world, myself, and others by traveling. Travel made me realize how I was even more clueless about the world, myself, and others than I initially thought.
I hoped to see the finest places on Earth until I realized that with money they all rule and without money they all suck.
I love to travel, but rather selectively. I don't care for anyplace outside of Earth.
I am lucky to live in a land of opportunity and unlucky to be educated enough to know how low my odds of success are.
I went to many places to find where I belonged. Turns out every place is the same: Full of temporary nuts who are fighting to stay alive and don't belong anywhere either.
I wanted to travel to broaden my horizons. All I did was drink a few different beers and fail to get laid in a few more languages.
Ohioans tend to downplay their achievements. I bet Les Wexner, the wealthiest Ohioan, is just an ordinary billionaire.
I was fortunate to be born in the USA but unlucky to have it be the Ohio part of it.
I claimed I wanted to find the best place on Earth. I realized I was full of shit when I left New Orleans to go back to Ohio.
Hopes of impending travels fill me with joy. Reality of paying for them does not.
TRAVEL TIPS FOR SOUTHERN AMERICANS
The phrase “Yee-haw” has no way to be translated literally in any language.
The international community doesn’t often understand the wisdom of The Charlie Daniels Band.
Many cultures don’t have beef jerky.
There are some poor people who aren’t Christians.
Don’t discuss coon hunts in peaceful Buddhist cultures.
Don’t rub it in people’s faces when America has beaten them in war. Gently and respectfully mention that your great nation kicked their asses.
CHAPTER 14.
SEX
JOKES
You need a better sex
life if your definition of a frustrating sexual relationship is one where she
leaves you before you can get a good look at her through the binoculars.
What did the military dick say to the third world vagina? Prepare to be invaded.
Some fundamentalists love God and hate sex. This means they love their Creator, but hate its system of creation.
Sex jokes are easy. Horny guys make them too hard.
Statistically speaking, men are only better than women at one thing: Attracting heterosexual women.
Sex is almost always a great gift, but it’s still a bad idea for family Christmas gift exchanges.
Marc was drunk at his financial investment firm’s company party. While drunk, he passionately made out with another man. Marc knew that the leaders within his conservative company were highly likely to frown on this type of controversial public display of affection.
Upon arriving at work the next day, Marc’s boss informed him that he needed to immediately attend an urgent meeting with several concerned company leaders. Marc walked into the meeting, calm as could be. One of his superiors sternly asked, “Do you know why you’re here?” Marc replied “Does this have anything to do with my relationship with Warren Buffet’s son?”
Family night rarely includes the activity that produced the family.
Dating tip: The best way to get the attention of a woman is approaching her family with a gun.
A lazy erotic novelist may write “Where’s (your name)” and put your nude picture in a book.
Dating a girl who’s all ass and elbows is at least half good.
If everything I touched turned to gold, I’d be conflicted about masturbation.
AWKWARD: The first time you realize there's sexual tension between your daughter and your boss.
Anyone who thinks love is required to have sex would have an odd approach to picking up hookers.
Life is a mystery that never gets solved, but is frequently interrupted by masturbation. Maybe just my life?
No one on their deathbed says "I regret all of the time I spent getting laid" except for prostitutes.
I love sex, but I feel conflicted about having sex at my job since I work in a pre-school.
Dull anal sex should be called BANAL.
I fuck like a chair: I do nothing while others sit on me.
I can't imagine what it would take to resort to animal fucking, but I bet it's hard to stop once you've gone there. How often do people give up regular people fucking once they start?
If we are all one, rape is just a strange form of masturbation.
I hope people who write about rape don't write what they know.
I believe the American dream is still alive. It has become the dream to watch more porn in an apartment.
Successful fucking= FUCK-SESS
If I wrote what I knew I would be one of the leading world class experts on sexual rejection.
Don't take no for an answer unless the question is "Will you fuck me?"
I fuck like a Popsicle. I start fine but end up sticky and gross.
I don't love how I look. This makes sense, since I’m not gay.
I hope The Secret doesn't work for rapists.
I wanted to create the greatest dick joke of all-time, but I realized it's like deciding who has the biggest dick of all-time: There are too many dicks and not enough time to judge all of the dicks I'd like to.
The best proof that sex isn't always about love is rape.
You're old when you realize the person you're masturbating to definitely wasn't alive when you started masturbating.
PLACES I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX- Everywhere in the universe where I’m not likely to die immediately.
If god has a plan for everyone, how should believers feel about child rapists?
One of the only areas of life where most people try to avoid learning from the most experienced professionals is with sex.
I don’t care for gods that send me to hell for following sexual instincts it supposedly gave me.
I tried to write a better book than The Bible. I don't think I will sell more copies, but I think I have better dick jokes.
FUCK FAMILY VALUES, VALUE FAMILY FUCKING- You wouldn't be here without it.
I want blow jobs on demand, but don't even get masturbation on demand.
I'd rather have a DILF (daughter I'd like to fuck) than a MILF. Every woman who's ever lived could be a DILF! That gives me better numbers.
The hardest part of my life was either leaving the Christian faith or trying to break the world record for masturbation.
A man brought a lovely date home for the first time. They sat down on his couch together. She was surprised when the mood music he played was by Weird Al Yankovic. “What does this mean?” she asked. He replied, “I think you’re funny and really need to get laid.”
I rarely confuse love with sex, especially in family photos.
Is it honoring Dr. Martin Luther King on MLK day if I masturbate to porn featuring black chicks?
What if a celibate monk would’ve been the world's greatest lover? What kind of God would permit this?
How much of a problem can PARENTS have with sex?
I lack a harem of beautiful women, unless you count the internet.
Most of my life I practiced safe sex. So safe that I could only have caught STD's if I had an infected hand.
For many men, monogamy limits their options for sex partners. For me it
was a HUGE increase.
Before you attempt to succeed in business ask yourself this question "Is my product or service more important to enough people than the incredible amount of already available free pornography?" If the answer is yes, you have a winner!
Every time I believe I have created a wonderful piece of music, writing, or art I try to remember that what I have created almost assuredly means less to the world than a decent bit of porn.
I try to learn something new every day. It almost always ends up being about pornography.
If I have ambition I might do more than jerk off, watch TV, drink beer, and sleep over and over again. If I have success, I'll return to jerking off, watching TV, drinking beer, and sleeping as often as I can.
I failed for years to get laid. Those were desperate years, ages 0-5.
It’s weird when you realize you want to fuck hot women from old TV and movies who are now dead.
I want to be a great lover. I settle for being a decent masturbator.
I need to do better at life if I'm going to be remembered by anyone who I didn't fuck.
I'm a sucker for the classics when it comes to blow jobs.
I used to think I’d change the world. I now believe it's unlikely I’ll change anything more important than local nudity laws.
If parents are worried about teen pregnancy they should force their kids to be gay.
Even the sexiest stars usually fade after 100 years.
I may be a sexual pioneer or just a run of the mill pervert with delusions of grandeur.
SEX IS DIVINE
If god intended humanity to be fruitful and multiply
I have no problem being fruitful
But have no intention to multiply
Thank god for birth control
PEOPLE I HOPE HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF MY SEX LIFE
1. Minors- This is age inappropriate.
2. Family- This would make for even more awkward holiday conversation
3. The media- I don't want my boners being the flavor of the week.
4. Friends- I want them to have the misperceptions they've always had, because the truth would give them an advantage when busting my balls.
5. Enemies- I could never run for political office or even local softball assistant coach if they get a hold of my sex dossier.
6. Strangers- They might take advantage of my vulnerability.
7. My current lover- Duh! She'd probably never speak to me again.
8. The law- If I'm going to be fucked I want it to be on my terms, not theirs.
Sign I'm WAY too lazy: I want to get laid more than anything else in life and I STILL don't try.
I love eating and fucking, but the people who see the way I eat never want to fuck me.
I want to experience the finest movies in the universe. I have come to believe these are the comedies that make me laugh hardest and the pornos that make me cum fastest.
I'd rather write the perfect dick joke than see it.
I wanted to have sex with every attractive female until I realized it would ruin my money, life, and dick.
CHARITY IDEA- FUCKS FOR FUCKS- Making sure people who are worthless and ugly get laid too.
Having a functional brain and penis puts me WAY AHEAD of those who don’t.
I will only have sex if I have a willing adult partner. That's my commitment to sexual morality!
I might create great art or bullshit, depending on how you feel about dick jokes.
I hope I can have sex with any woman I want any time. If not, I hope I can at least find one woman who will occasionally have sex with me. If not, I hope I can find a fine place to masturbate. If not, I hope I can jerk off without getting caught.
If I followed my greatest passion I'd be even better at jerking off.
Most nudists sell out during winter.
A priest fell in love with an underage girl and unintentionally impregnated her. A cop came to the priest and said, “If you were responsible for this pregnancy, you’re going to jail.” The priest nervously replied “Have you heard the story of the birth of Jesus?’
I took life about as seriously as most porn actors do.
I have sex at almost any opportunity. I prefer humans.
I hate when others try to control my sex life. That's why I masturbate.
I have an active imagination which is why I'd rather jerk off than be with you.
The WORST excuses come from rapists.
CLASSIC PORN MOVIE
TITLES
GONE WITH THE DICK
CASABONER
THE RAW SKANK EMISSION
GULP FRICTION
BEAUTY AND THE BEET: AN EROTIC VEGETABLE JOURNEY
HONEY I SHRUNK THE WORST POSSIBLE BODY PART
HONEY I SHRUNK THE ONE THING THAT GAVE YOU JOY
HONEY I DRUNK THE KIDS- A man accidentally ingests the celebrity semen he was hoping to use to impregnate his wife.
EWW! GROSS!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT WITH A PENIS
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT PUSSY!
EASILY LEGAL: OLD HOES
RUB, SUCK, TUG, FUC
Booty and the Greeks
THE GREATEST SLUT RESUME
PAIN PLUS TIME= HOTTER SEX
NO ONE'S A MASTURBATOR HATER
MONOGOMY WITH YOU ISN'T HELL
NO CUNT FOR OLD MEN
Mike, Mike- A Young Man's Sexless Journey From Cleveland to Cincinnati
I take life about as seriously as most teenagers in a sex comedy do.
The Nashville Predators hockey team better pray none of their players ever becomes a REAL sex offender.
A perfect 10 is so hot that you'll jerk off to her even when she's wearing clothes.
I plan to enjoy sex as long as I can get a partner who's more attractive than me.
I plan to enjoy sex as long as I have a partner better looking than my hands.
SEX DREAM
I hope I can have sex whenever I want with whoever I want.
MORE REALISTIC DREAM
I will probably have sex with at least one attractive person again.
EVEN MORE REALISTIC DREAM
I hope to have sex again with anyone before I have to die.
DESPERATE HOPE FACING CRUEL REALITY
There's at least a chance I'll have sex before I have to die?
REALISTIC COMPROMISE WITH THE UNIVERSE
I hope I can at least masturbate before I have to die.
The sex we have will be forgotten by people who won't want to think about old or dead folks fucking.
I spent a great deal of the prime of my life trying to write well for the good of a species that would rather jerk off, watch TV, and sleep than bother to read the words of the supposed eternal all mighty God of the universe. If people are uninterested in the words of GOD, I doubt it was sensible to expect a lot of humans to care about my dick jokes.
CHAPTER 15. SILLY THOUGHTS
The people you love most are most likely to drive you to a poor house, a crazy house, or a morgue.
Judge others like a mature adult does: By childish, shallow criteria.
Being middle class is being tied with several billion others for least memorable person ever.
If you're ever down about being a “nobody” remember you can do anything you want and no one cares!
People Magazine is a broad scope for a publication. They should get more specific and call it Rich, Overrated, Pseudo-Star magazine.
Pop culture captures the essence of millions of people in an entire society and puts it into a few terrible songs, TV shows, and movies.
Hiring a maid isn’t smart if you don’t own anything worth cleaning.
Being there for the ones who need you is usually bad for your savings account.
I have a controversial position on gay rights. I think gays should get revenge and all church services should be required to have a live gay sex act taking place on stage for the next 2000 years.
The best way to an easy life? Marry Bill Gates.
I knew I was old when I realized all of my friends were more likely to be at a PTA meeting than a bar.
Veering off course is fine at times, but not when you’re leading children on a nature safari.
She wanted to buy candy the night before Halloween. I suggested saving money by going to the local food bank and pretending to be homeless. She responded by saying that even if they thought we were homeless, they wouldn't give us candy. She had a point.
I can't believe I wasn't able to hang on to my youth longer than 3 decades!
Live as if you were 100. Refuse to do all manual labor.
To those who are offended by what I write, say, or create, I’m sorry you can’t focus on one of the other trillion plus things in the universe.
If failure teaches more than success we’d have a lot more geniuses.
There’s no way to prove that you know everything. Think about how long that test would be.
As you age you will hopefully gain enough wisdom to realize the world is constantly changing, but changing so slowly that few things seem different suddenly. A huge exception to this rule is when you go from a pleasant smelling environment to a shit smell.
Forgive and forget? How about hold grudges and remember?
REALISTIC ANNIVERSARY CARD: It's always a blessing when you finally find the one who likes getting drunk and watching TV with you. I wish you many more years of sloth!
If anyone can successfully lie to the police, it should be the inventor of the polygraph.
People don't appreciate Christmas carols as much when you're alone, drunk, and it’s July.
When an entire lifetime is viewed, it may be a source of pride or shame when one discovers the principle activity of their waking hours was masturbating.
If I’m ever arrested and they only let me have one phone call, I’ll make sure I call the highest priced lawyer/sex chat line.
With my luck, if I ever get a guitar gig I bet they put me right after Carlos Santana.
Criminals who use knives are baffling. They’ve got enough guts to break the law, but still risk losing to anyone with a gun. If you’re going to break laws, go all out. Treat yourself to a gun.
Contrary to popular belief, hard work can kill a man. Ask Dale Earnhardt.
Many people can name 10 actors they hate, but can’t name 5 Nobel Prize winners they love.
If loose lips sink ships, our Navy should employ a gossip squad.
Great things happen to poor people about as often as billionaires live in shanty towns.
I like turning positive phrases into bleak ones. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, except for nearly everything in existence.
I don't regret enjoying wine, women, and song. I wish I had discovered the joys much earlier in life, like about age 2.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? 10- One to design the plans to create the bulb, one to pitch the idea to the appropriate executives in charge of approving the finances, one to construct the bulb, one to sell the bulb, one CEO to profit more than others despite doing no actual work on the bulb, one wealthy investor to approve the bulb’s construction, one minimum wage worker to scan the bulb out at the counter, one to buy the bulb, one who can install electricity into the location where the bulb is going to be used, and one who can actually change the damn bulb.
Pity anyone doing worse than you, but take no direct action to help them. Hate anyone doing better than you, but take no direct action to be more like them. Complain about how life is unfair. For most people, this is the American way.
CHAPTER 16. SILLY QUESTIONS
What would a PETA member do if their baby was being strangled to death by a snake?
Is there cage free tuna?
A great theological question: Why do trivial things happen to fascinating people?
If Jesus is the answer to all problems, why’d I get a 0% on my math test?
How does the KKK still exist? Who would rather join them than a gym?
How did adults ever consent to Prohibition?
Do atheists believe in love? Where’s the evidence of it?
Feeling blue? Paint the town red! Are you yellow? Spend some green!
Ignorance? I don’t I know anything about it.
Do elves call self-respect elf-respect?
If youth programs are failing should we blame youths or adults?
If failure teaches more than success, why aren’t criminals, drug addicts, or rapists our teachers?
Do living people ever get a holiday named in their honor? Why are our holidays limited to celebrating dead people or people who supposedly rose from the dead?
How can it be considered stealing to refuse to pay a tax you never agreed to?
If the universe is just, how can Tiger Woods make hundreds of millions of dollars recommending products and hitting a ball into a hole?
How can there be so many bad songs played on the radio when we have so many good ones?
Should Superman be called “not living up to name man” on days when he’s sick?
If I could save the world by killing one innocent man, should I pick the oldest man in the world? Is there any way he’d want to keep living a long time?
Nine people out of ten don’t like dentists. Why do we care what four out of five dentists think?
Where are the people you went to school with? I bet a lot of them are in school if you're under 18.
What does a tie have to do with showing respect? It’s respectful to show that you’re willing to wear unnecessary, uncomfortable, expensive shit to make other people feel respected? That’s bullshit!
Why doesn’t PETA crusade for the rights of sewer rats?
CHAPTER 17. NEWS JOKES FROM 2008-2009
1. Oliver Stone's next movie project is a bio-pic about George W. Bush. The title is Natural Born Platoon Killer.
2. Critics accused Bill Clinton of making race an issue in the Democratic campaign. Bill stated that race had nothing to do with his controversial stance of hoes before bros.
3. The rapper Nas made claims that Fox news is racist. Bill O' Reilly commented, "That pinhead ought to go back to Af… ghanistan and fight with our troops."
7. Rush Limbaugh switched his position on the presidential election by urging listeners to support Obama. His statement reflects the first time a conservative has been willing to change their mind since one GOP member begrudgingly accepted the end of segregation.
8. The band Wilco led the singing of "Take me out to ballgame" at a recent Cubs home game. Their performance created the first seventh inning nap.
9. A group of Palestinians are blaming Israel for bullying them into spying in exchange for medical treatment. Investigators are examining the Palestinians claimed source of their illnesses, Israeli bullets.
10. According to the Gallop poll, McCain and Obama are closer than ever in the presidential race. Obama is putting all of his hopes on his obvious advantage: The swimsuit competition.
11. The Police were the highest grossing concert act of the past year, with sales figures exceeding $140 million dollars. The band is glad that they finally found the proper time to fight back against NWA's 1988 hit song, Fuck Tha Police.
12. A new stamp depicting Frank Sinatra has been issued. Unfortunately a proposal to have a flipbook with the star getting progressively drunker as he aged failed.
14. A pile of 130 million year old dinosaur dung sold at a New York auction for nearly $1,000. This marks the highest amount of money earned by a piece of shit since my ex-boyfriend.
15. Matt Groening announced that there will be another Simpsons film project. Groening hopes his team of Harvard educated millionaire writers is up to the rigorous task of creating enough dialogue for a ninety minute cartoon film every twenty years.
16. A poll reported that Naperville is ranked as the third most pleasant place to live in the United States. The poll neglected to mention that the only cities considered were Naperville, East St. Louis, and Los Alamos.
20. In New York, police used Tasers to subdue a groom at his wedding. Guests said the incident was ugly, but he got what he deserved for dancing the Macarena.
23. John McCain claims Barack Obama represents the wrong type of change for America. McCain commented "We can't trust a man that has changed so much. At the beginning of my political career, Obama wouldn’t have even been allowed to use my restroom."
25. The Oddest Book Title award was recently given to “If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs. The second place prize was awarded to a similarly themed book for gay men ‘If You Want Openness in Your Relationship, Start with Your Assholes.’
26. President Bush visited Italy last month. He was disappointed that he was unable to personally meet his Italian heroes: Rocky, Chef Boyardee, and Benito Mussolini.
27. David Hasselhoff declared his desire to purchase a Scottish castle and name it after himself. Historians have noted that this would be the first "Castle Lucky Cheesedick."
30. 80's metal band Foreigner recently released a new greatest hits album. The album contains twelve different re-mixes of "Hot Blooded."
31. Wiccans operating a witch school are under attack from local Christian groups. The Christians who symbolically eat the flesh and drink the blood of their crucified savior that came back from the dead especially object to the Wiccans bizarre rituals.
32. Will Ferrell recently purchased a race horse. Based on its owners training, experts believe the horse will provide much laughter when running naked.
33. Jesse Jackson was caught on tape uttering the "N word" while off camera. To avoid future problems, Jackson pledged to stop speaking while off camera.
34. Russian government leaders created a program to send astronauts to Mars. Scientists completed all voyage plans, except how to store enough life sustaining vodka.
37. While visiting Australia, the Pope made a speech attacking consumer culture. Immediately after speaking, the Pope flew in his private jet back to the Vatican.
38. A Denver woman shocked a crowd by singing the Black National Anthem in place of the Star Spangled Banner. Onlookers were surprised to hear that the anthem is "2 Legit to Quit."
42. Governor Blagojevich issued a new economic stimulus package. The plan proposes for all adult citizens earning less than $30,000 a year to be deported to Gary, Indiana.
43. Last week, a wounded British soldier completed the London Marathon on crutches in 13 days. The soldier completed the marathon to show the world how easy it should be for healthy soldiers to get out of Iraq.
48. Lindsey Lohan is busy writing her memoirs after several stints in rehab. After all, everyone knows that drug abusing, financially successful people in their early twenties have the most insight about life.
49. Angelina Jolie has been accused of taking her babies to a war zone. Just after returning with her kids from Iraq, she was shocked to find so many people were angry with her for going to Detroit.
51. The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records, saying the label illegally used their name to hurt the band's credibility with fans. They are especially upset about advertising in Japan, with translations rendering them Shameful Destroyed Holiday Fruits.
53. The principal of Naperville Central High School admitted to plagiarizing a speech. The principal drew immediate suspicion when opening his speech with "Holla at ya' boy Kanye West yall!"
54. The movie Hancock has been accused of containing homophobic dialogue. Star of the movie, Will Smith, commented, "I couldn't support anything anti-gay! I was a pioneer for gay rights when I agreed to publicly perform the Carlton dance."
56. Last Sunday, an Indiana pastor broke his wrist while using a dirt bike as a prop during a service. The title of his sermon, "Unlike me, Jesus wasn't a dumbass."
58. Elin Woods, wife of Tiger, recently gave birth to their second child. The new baby’s name is being picked by his mother, as she was disappointed with Tiger’s choice of naming their first child Drink Pepsi, Wear Nike, Use Colgate, Eat Wendy’s Woods.
59. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shocked the world after he called long-time enemy neighbor Iraq “brotherly.” He failed to mention he had his own brother killed for borrowing his Led Zeppelin records.
60. A former UPS worker died last week and was taken to his funeral in a UPS van. Predictably, the man arrived one day late with a shattered body.
61. Iran announced that it will now allow women to attend soccer matches in public. The women are urged to dress conservatively, as the “stone er’ for a boner” rule still counts.
62. National statistics show a record number of Americans are now receiving unemployment benefits. Experts also speculate an all-time high for the GMP, or Gross Masturbation Product.
64. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is now allowing the general public to post comments on his blog. It appears 125% of Russians think Medvedev is a fearless and perfect leader who would never crush people’s skulls for dissenting opinion.
65. Last week, former President George W. Bush made a speech indicating that he had made some mistakes during his presidency. Bush commented, “Yeah, I regret that I didn’t take more advantage of the wonderful bowling alley in the White House. Oh, and to anyone who knew someone in public schools, a retirement home, the military, college, the gay rights movement, the workplace, Guantanamo Bay, Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, or 9/11, my bad.”
66. The City of Chicago announced that parking meters requiring coins are systematically being phased out. To be fair to all citizens, all parking in Chicago will soon result in a fifty dollar fine.
67. Bono, Beyoncé, and Bruce Springsteen are scheduled to headline Obama’s presidential inauguration. That same night, Toby Keith, Britney Spears, and Larry the Cable Guy are scheduled to get real drunk with John McCain.
CHAPTER 18. SKETCHES AND BLACKOUTS
Benchwarmers-Vick/Cindy/Billy/Reed
Vick
Are you working every waking moment to be the best?
Cindy
Or would you rather enjoy life?
Vick
Statistically speaking, you’re probably not a star.
Cindy
So quit buying athletic apparel that pretends you are.
VICK AND CINDY HOLD PLAIN ATHLETIC APPAREL
Vick
Forget about the best.
Cindy
You need Benchwarmers to accommodate the lifestyle you want.
BILLY AND REED ENTER HOLDING PLAIN ATHLETIC APPAREL
Billy
Hi. You don’t know me. I’m Billy Petick, pitching benchwarmer for the Chicago Cubs.
Reed
And I’m Reed Johnson, outfielder benchwarmer for the Chicago Cubs.
Billy
Benchwarmers clothing has made our lives so much better.
Reed
Their patented technology provides comfort while sitting.
BILLY AND REED SIT DOWN
Billy
As long as you’re riding the pine, you may as well admit you’re nothing special.
Reed
Stop kidding yourself.
Billy
Be proud of being less than great.
Reed
Watch the stars, don’t be one.
Billy
Let everyone know you’re just a role player.
Reed
Most stars have a psychopathic need to be the best.
Billy
Most great athletes have to work hard for life.
Reed
But anyone can be a guy who barely matters.
Billy
Be proud of the adequate life you have built.
Reed
It’s better to live a life of freedom as a Benchwarmer.
Reed, Billy
Pick up Benchwarmer gear and join the crowd!
END SCENE
Is He An Artist? - VO, Mark
OPEN ON: A DARK AND DRAB OFFICE
VO
Mark Isaacs had a dream to be a revolutionary artist. But reality had a different plan. Mark struggled for years to produce bold, innovative work. But he never achieved success. He had to make ends meet just to survive. So he took an unglamorous job, thinking it’d provide him with a way to pay some bills for a while. But the months turned into years, and before he knew it, Mark was a stop sign painter.
Mark
Oh it’s not the worst. But every day is exactly the same. Sometimes I wonder if I could be doing something, anything, more important. But I remember what that was like.
VO
So Mark continues painting signs, over and over again.
Mark
I guess my lesson for kids is to give up on your dreams, and get used to doing whatever to get by.
VO
This has been a realistic art lesson for parents trying to scare their kids away from the arts.
END SCENE
Dear Abby- VOICE OVER, ABBY
OPEN ON: ABBY SITTING CALMLY WITH EYES CLOSED, MEDITATING
VOICE OVER
Modern meditation.
ABBY PULLS A REMOTE CONTROL OUT FROM HIS PANTS. THE REMOTE CONTROL PLAYS FART NOISES. ABBY SMILES AND GIGGLES WHILE CONTINUING TO MEDITATE.
END SCENE
The Three Musketeers- Gordon/Stephen/Kevin
OPEN ON: BBC 1 NEWS STUDIO
Stephen
Hi. I’m the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper. I love America, but I have a bone to pick with it.
Kevin
I’m Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. I agree with Mr. Harper’s position.
Gordon
And I’m your leader, Prime Minister Gordon Brown. I share the concerns of my esteemed colleagues.
Stephen
American friends, your media used to give us plenty of press coverage.
Kevin
Technically, we get thrown questions by “legitimate” sources like CNN and Fox News.
Gordon
But we’re ignored by the only news that 99% of your country really watches.
Kevin
We want to be more included in your fake comedy news.
Gordon
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would these guys want to be mocked?
Stephen
We actually think it’s a hootenanny. It’s the only way to get our names out to anyone under thirty.
Gordon
Not to mention anyone of any age that makes less than 50,000 American dollars a year.
Kevin
There’s no point to being a leader if nobody knows who the hell you are!
Stephen
I’ve worked my whole life to achieve this position. Only to be covered by the dull Canadian press that reaches like half a million viewers? I don’t think so!
Kevin
People throughout the globe are informed by American late night talk show hosts, the premier Comedy Central hosts, and SNL’s weekend update.
Stephen
I’m sure we have zany policies Jewish comedy writers could make fun of. See! I just made a bigoted comment. Won’t a popular sketch show mock me?
Gordon
Yes, we think your leaders are inferior to us in almost every way. But we envy their press coverage.
Kevin
They could hang out in a cave with Bin Laden for life and still have years of archive footage!
Stephen
We don’t feel like we’re asking for too much. We don’t expect Americans to cover all the world leaders.
Gordon
Half of those losers don’t even speak English for God’s sakes!
Stephen
Like those third world dictators. No one can remember all those Mohammed Chin Chang Chow assholes. Oh, my insensitivity is terrible! Won’t you give me attention?
STEPHEN OPENS HIS MOUTH AND PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS CHEEKS
Kevin
Come on mates! We’re good guys to have beers with.
Gordon
And we’ll create laws that would be hilariously spoofed on Letterman.
Kevin
Or Colbert Report.
Stephen
Or my favorite, Carson Daly.
Gordon
Don’t forget the leaders of your fellow first world English speaking nations.
Kevin
Throw us a bone. And live from:
Gordon
London
Kevin
Sydney
Stephen
Ottawa
Gordon, Kevin, and Stephen
It’s Tuesday Night!
END SCENE
Take Me to Your Leader - Bush/Steve
OPEN ON: A PRESS CONFERENCE
Bush
And I, The Decider, feel we should honor our whore vets that sacrifice for Iraqis.
Steve
Uh oh!
AN ALARM GOES OFF
Steve
Congratulations, George Wyclef Bush! That last gaffe was officially you one millionth botched phrase! You is truly kind of a one!
Bush
Aw, shucks.
Steve
Please, what was your favorite talkin’ bad thing you done?
Bush
Well, I hardly remember things I’ve said.
Steve
Come in! Surely, you must recall your tongues of the slip!
Bush
You makin’ fun of me?
Steve
You couldn’t make fun of me if us tried.
Bush
You’re darn tootin’. I don’t always mean exactly what I say.
Steve
I think we all knowed that a long time ago, Georgie!
Bush
No, I mean that things words do sometimes get to be words that don’t do, uh, things words are meant to.
Steve
And you’re off to an excellent start on your next million, Mr. Dee Snider!
Bush
Hey! I’m not Dee Snider!
Steve
That’s not what said you earliest.
Bush
Security!
Steve
Hey, you gots that one right!
TWO BODYGUARDS ENTER AND HAUL STEVE OFF STAGE
Bush
Get that idiot out of my sight!
BUSH ADJUSTS HIS TIE AND CLEARS HIS THROAT
Bush
Sorry about that folks. Sometimes you can’t tell a hen from another hen. But then the hen’s turn out to be different from chickens.
BUSH LOOKS CONFUSED AND NERVOUS
END SCENE
Existential Theme Park- Jean Paul/Sally/Soren/Shelia/Simone/Bob/Martin/Ron
OPEN ON: A THEME PARK AD SHOOT. JEAN PAUL, SOREN, SIMONE, AND MARTIN STAND ON THE LEFT. SALLY, SHELIA, BOB, AND RON STAND ON THE RIGHT. ACTORS ON THE LEFT SPEAK IN A SOMBER TONE. ACTORS ON THE RIGHT SPEAK IN AN UPBEAT TONE.
Jean Paul
It is only a matter of time before every person meets their destiny to die.
Sally
So before that happens, make sure you take time to get to Happy Time Fun Theme Park!
Soren
Anything you do will be forgotten after your imminent death. All your work will vanish.
Shelia
More reason to make sure you experience our super-fast bullet roller coaster right away!
Simone
All others are goners too. Your life serves no purpose.
Bob
So why not visit super splash slip and slide for some old fashioned fun?
Martin
There is no afterlife. All striving is purposeless. You will be forgotten.
Ron
Visit the gift shop on the way out to make sure you get the full Happy Time experience!
Jean Paul
Material possessions ultimately mean nothing.
Sally
Unless you’re talking about the spectacular prizes that can be won at the Smash the Weasel Whack Attack Game! It’s zany fun for the entire family!
Soren
You might as well whittle the days away indifferent to others.
Shelia
Or spend time with lots of great folks at attack of the Koo-Koo’s! It’s fabu-riffic!
Simone
It is impossible to escape impending doom.
Bob
Because The Tomb of the Zombies will frighten everyone from ages 10 and up!
Jean Paul
Nothing you do matters.
Shelia
So why not spend all your money at the Happy Time Fun Theme Park?
Martin
There is no God to help you with your problems.
Sally
But anyone can come to our house of fun regardless of religious affiliation!
Bob
Nothing cures a case of existential blues quite like a few thousand acres of commercial fun! We’re located off Montgomery Road exit 72, just north of Naperville.
Simone
Or in between the state of melancholy and dementia.
Sally
Happy Time Fun Theme Park is the best way to have family fun or fill the meaningless void! Stop by as soon as possible before it all ends!
END SCENE
CHAPTER 19. SPORTS: THE MEETING PLACE OF ADRENALINE AND STEROIDS
Sports: Amazing physical demonstrations of the best of humanity? Or a bunch of muscle bound brutes engaging in primitive activities to distract the general population from their misery?
Sports lead to a better way of life for all involved, except for the people watching who could be doing something more productive, and the people playing who could be doing something more productive.
In a world full of wars, starvation, illnesses, and death, it makes sense that so many people find peace in watching adults beat the hell out of each other in hopes of being better at throwing balls and scoring points to win a tiny trophy.
There’s no end to the amount of sports glory that could be had by anyone who’s able to overcome lack of athletic ability, aging, injuries, and death.
Sometimes life feels like an endless pursuit for meaningless victory. Just like every sport.
An athlete used to be someone who only competed to avoid being eaten by lions. Now some guys get paid millions of dollars to sit out for an entire year due to a dislocated finger. Consider this the next time some beefed up millionaire complains about a hard foul.
Do you admire people because they jump high or run fast? It’s not going to help them in anything other than sports. Even if you can jump 12 feet in the air, technology can do better. It’s called a ladder! Even if you’re the fastest person on the planet, almost any schmuck can drive a car that’s much faster. Use technology, not athletic gifts for top performance.
Why would anyone ever want to run a marathon? What are people trying to prove? Many have run that far before. Are you earning a lot of money? If so, that’s great. Any other reason is very stupid.
Why are so many top athletes ignored? Who’s your favorite water polo warrior? Can you name the best archer in the world? Who’s the most amazing curler?
Who needs a bowling
coach? There’s no running, no weightlifting, no need for physical
stamina. This is bowling: Stand up, pick up ball, throw ball again if you
missed some pins, sit down.
Do you realize
professional wrestling is gigantic men pretending to fight each other?
Why would this appeal to anyone more than once?
What sane person agrees to watch golf on TV for more than five minutes of their life? Even a golf swing coach must find it boring to watch on TV.
Being a football fan and rooting for the Buffalo Bills is like being a Led Zeppelin fan who thinks John Paul Jones was the most interesting member.
Why do people pay so much to watch egotistical jocks beat the hell out of each other, but run like hell when they see someone assaulted on the streets for free?
A lot of foreign countries are so boring that the favorite pursuit of natives is watching soccer.
Soccer is only for people who have the misfortune of being born un-American.
Victory in life for billions of people is less likely than them knocking out Floyd Mayweather.
I'd have a shot at being a professional athlete if the most athletic 5 billion people on Earth died.
I enjoy speaking with former athletes who think anyone still gives a damn.
My greatest athletic aspiration was avoiding death. Avoiding having a fat ass was a distant second.
Anyone who calls themselves a sports authority is as dumb as most jocks and ex-jocks are.
My best sporting moments were enjoyable, but not likely to be featured on ESPN. My worst sporting moments were breaking my arm, almost falling off a cliff on roller blades, and unknowingly showing a small crowd my nut sack in the middle of an indoor soccer game.
Every time I think I should have taken sports more seriously I remember Andres Escobar. Then I realize I was right to screw around for fun with sports all along.
I once was a fine athlete, then went to shit, then built back up with great effort into sort of shitty.
I spent a lot of my life playing sports to have a chance at getting laid. Now that I get laid on occasion, I only play sports to taunt others who are weaker than me.
I intend to stay in decent shape until the effort isn't worth even a small part of the reward. You can be in relatively good shape at 100, but I can't imagine anyone would care.
I wanted to be a great athlete until I realized almost everything in the universe was more important than throwing, kicking, and punching stuff better than others.
Many men THINK they're sports experts when it can be proven quite easily they're pathetic LOSERS focused WAY too much on kid games to be called men.
I wanted to be a great athlete until I realized I would have to do psychotic things like diet and exercise.
Winning a preseason game is like Jim Smith beating Rick Johnson at pinball. No one should or could care, not even Jim Smith.
If we're all going to die no matter what, why is there a golf channel?
I want to watch the finest athletes of all time. Since that is subject to debate, I will focus on observing whoever I happen to see in the locker room.
My definition of sport: Watching people who have devoted themselves to excel in trivial childish games and wishing you could be them.
Sports analogies are often as bad as a 100 pound rookie hazing an entire NFL team's offensive line.
A German soccer team posted a Facebook photo of the team in blackface to show support for a teammate who suffered from racist abuse. Because nothing conveys an anti-racism message like Germans in blackface! Jock thinking at its finest?
There are few better ways than spending time with loved ones than when their sports team loses.
A FUN SPORTING MOMENT
Justin goes to a swim meet with a friend. His friend challenges Justin to find a way to make the swim meet more exciting. As the first race is about to begin, Justin stands up, sprints towards the exit, points at the official about to start the race with a firing pistol, and yells loudly “Look out, he’s got a gun!”
CHAPTER 20. WORK: THE ABSURD THINGS WE DO FOR PROFIT!
There are a million jobs one could do, but 999, 998 of them suck most of the time. Be an emperor or a rock star.
If you lack rock star chops or royal bloodlines, you’re screwed. The only choice most have after that is whether to be a bum or a corporate sell out.
Hunting for a job is often even worse than actual hunting. But if you feel you have to join the slave labor class, here are a few tips I have for you:
Number 1: Never ever accept anything less than a billion dollar salary.
Number 2: If you have to sell out for less, try working for a corporation that’s going down in flames. It really takes the pressure off making mistakes.
Number 3: Be honest in a job interview. Employers respect that. For example, if a job interviewer asks “What makes you the most qualified candidate for the position?” respond with:
“I may not have fancy qualifications, years of experience, or work ethic, but I believe I want the money more than others.”
Everybody can identify with that, and you’re sure to be hired instantly.
Once you get a job you hate, the fun begins. I’ve got some helpful advice that can help you cope with the drudgery of the modern workplace:
Don’t allow yourself to be defined by your entry level job title. Nobody ever dreamed of being an assistant sales associate. Refuse to answer anyone at work who mentions your crappy job title. Make up your own dignified one, like Future CEO.
Violence isn’t acceptable in most workplaces. But remember, there are people who work in professional wrestling. Learn your company’s policy on breaking chairs over co-workers backs, just to be safe.
Too many people get in trouble at work because they gossip about others. Mind your own business while on the job, unless your business is spying.
Once you’ve been at your job a while, you’ve probably earned enough trust from your employer to begin taking advantage of them.
If you want to get the most out of your job, don’t ever let distractions like church, significant others, or children get in the way of acquiring more money.
Those who try too hard look desperate. If you look desperate, you’ll be less respected than your co-workers. Never try harder than co-workers.
Someday, you might get down about how little you’ve achieved. But no one should get depressed about their meager career achievements in a world where we know billions of other people are nothing special.
To all of the people who take their work seriously, remember: You’re going to die anyway. Do you want to die working hard at filing papers?
Even the best work only results in something future generations can mock.
Don’t forget, no matter what you do, it’s almost guaranteed that your work will be forgotten in one billion years.
GETTING
A JOB IS:
Writing a resume bragging about “accomplishments” you have no pride in.
Respectfully explaining
why you left a job where you were miserable, unappreciated, and worked
ridiculous hours for sweatshop pay.
Trying to prove to
someone you don’t know that you’re the best person for a job you know little
about.
Thinking of a way to
explain why you want to work, other than money.
Pretending to be
interested in being an entry level data associate because it’s the only job
anyone within a 50 mile radius offered.
Acting like an expert in
a field that you took a few courses in when you were younger, where you got
B’s, and spent most of your time in classes daydreaming about sex.
Hoping that other people
are even less competent than you are.
Resisting the urge to be
100% honest and tell an interviewer “Look, I need money and I’m not a
successful artist yet. I don’t want to starve or move back home. That’s
my only motivation. OK?”
Holding back honest
sarcastic comments to questions such as: Where do you see yourself in five
years? “You know, I see the Earth detonating itself in nuclear hysteria
by then. I just really want my chance to sell life insurance for you
before the big bang.”
PROFESSIONAL THOUGHTS
Stockholders: If you want guaranteed success, invest in companies that profit from death. Everyone dies.
Goalkeepers: Keep ball out of net, do good.
Inner tube salesmen: It’s awesome that we live in a time and place where someone can survive selling inner tubes. Don’t forget it.
Motocross drivers: You’re lucky hillbillies have nothing better to do.
Network TV executives: Well done on The Simpsons and The Office. Everything else you approved should result in you getting at least a light stoning.
WORK WISDOM
Quit any job where you’re not the boss. If everyone follows this advice, we’ll all be CEO’s.
Off days are awesome, until you have about 100 in a row without income.
I hate bosses. I hate them so much that even when I'm my own boss, I’m still disobedient.
There appears to be little to nothing in outer space that corporations can profit from, or they’d already be there.
Supposedly, no one dies wishing they’d worked more. I bet the guy who made this slogan never knew any homeless guys who starved to death.
Monday mornings are the most common time for road accidents. Studies show that commuters often crash to avoid going back to work.
What to tell potential employers: “Unlike a lot of people, I have all ten fingers and toes.”
Minding my own business kept me unemployed.
Life’s always changing. Now it’s socially unacceptable for you to make a living from sucking on your Mom’s breasts.
Working hard makes sense if one has passion. It also makes sense for people who lack passion if they like to eat.
Anyone who tries to tell you what to do should either be called a cocksucker or boss. Maybe both.
There’s no first week of job training quite like week one of being a brand new pimp.
I might not hate EVERYTHING about my job if I only had to work about 1/100th as much as I do, and I'm part-time.
Jerry Seinfeld has been paid one million dollars to do fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. Is it smart to work 30 years at a job where you make less than a guy who does stand-up comedy for fifteen minutes?
Way late to work? Make up for it by offering a ridiculous excuse. “I’m sorry I’m 4 hours late to work boss. I was taken hostage by some terrorists. Luckily, I escaped, because I want to do my best on that power point presentation.”
There are funny people in every workplace. View them as cast members in a dark comedy.
If the children are our future, the future sucks at full-time employment.
CAREER CHOICES
The same stupid pointless shit I've been doing until I'm fired
New stupid shit I don't actually want to do
Mundane grunt work
Failing to make my alleged passion into a money making system
A slight chance of temporarily success
Bum
Stealing
Suicide?
CHAPTER 21. LIFE
LIFE
LIFE GOALS- 1. Don't die 2. Repeat
People who claim they value the sanctity of life usually have no problem squashing the bug biting them.
Life is too short to worry about laundry. Life is too long to avoid doing laundry.
Every time I think there might be justice in the universe I remember billions of people bust their asses to barely eat while a few make billions from stock investing.
Life is shit with brief delusions of hope.
Life is like an amusement park: Fun for the naïve, ridiculous to the educated, and way too expensive for anyone who isn't an amusement park owner.
LIFE: A series of chaotic and confusing experiences that end in total destruction.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Overrated, overpriced, at best it makes you fat before it kills you.
Life is like a box of chocolates: You want healthy food but get unhealthy, sugary non-sense.
Life is like a weird 80 year-long play full of bastards.
Most of life is like a bad song: It doesn't last long, but you still pray for it to be over sooner.
Life should operate like Life the board game. Everyone starts out with money, you have great odds of getting rich, and when things aren’t going how you want, you can toss the board and start over.
LIFE= Confusion until shit end.
Life: Birth, suffer, find a few good things in the world, lose the few good things, be bitter about losing them, die.
If you think life is short, just wait for the afterlife.
CHAPTER 22. DEATH
It’s odd that many people give flowers at funerals, because flowers die quickly.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I have an eerie feeling that someday, someone I know might die!
I believe I’ll never die. Even though people tell me I’m crazy, so far I’m right.
Complaining isn’t smart in certain contexts. Don’t bitch about an itch at a funeral.
Life is a game. We all eventually lose BADLY.
Death is a part of life? This is completely false. Death is literally the complete opposite of life.
Death is a part of life like sophistication is a part of county fairs.
Death is a part of life like Leave it to Beaver is a part of Shakespeare.
Quit doing nothing. You’ll have plenty of time for that after death.
Graveyards are a waste of space on people who fail to appreciate them.
There are people who are never satisfied. As long as we’re all guaranteed death, this makes sense.
Don’t die forgotten: Make sure you take a news anchor out with you.
If you want to excel in efficiency, die soon.
Love life as much as possible, but expect odd looks if you act like everything is wonderful at a morgue.
Challenging the wisdom of ancient ideas is wise, since all ancient people died.
Death is inevitable, but it almost always surprises lots of people when rock stars die young. Why? If you take a bunch of insane risks, do a lot of drugs, and live wildly, the odds of dying early are high. If you wave your middle finger at the universe enough times, you’re bound to lose eventually.
People who value life should be more specific. Millions of cells die every day on our bodies, yet we decline to have funerals for them.
Many people believe they’ll be remembered after death when they’re barely thought about now.
Spending time with certain people may be worse than eternal death.
Look at the bright side: You might get a nicer tombstone than losers.
Love life like a wife, but know that it has even higher odds of leaving you.
Death isn’t often funny, but what about a dog that gets hit by a PETA van?
I was morose until people I hated died.
I spent most of my life trying to avoid death. What an absurd effort that was.
If I'm not careful I'll die before others think I'm overrated.
The nicest thing about eternal death is that it's equally bad no matter how little or how well prepared I will be.
MY SCORECARD
PAST- NOT ALIVE YET,
THEN SURVIVED
PRESENT- ALIVE
FUTURE- NOT HERE YET, BUT IT WILL END UP KILLING ME
I’ll never be the same after Jason died. He still has my Seinfeld DVD's. Damn, what a loss!
Taking big risks is the most likely way to experience meaningful personal development and the most likely way to be instantly killed.
We're all victims of the cruel universe. Some manage to postpone execution.
I will try not to die too soon. I want to get my permanent non-existence just right!
Should I go to the funeral of a guy who I never called when he was alive?
I plan to die, but it's a shit plan.
If I'm careful, I'll die. If I'm not careful, I'll die. You get my point?
I tried to make the best of a horrible situation: Being born mortal.
My only plan for life is trying not to die.
I'm not sure what the age is when death is better than life, but I’m approaching it too fast.
My ancestors were losers. That's why they're all dead.
I appreciate science as long as it is more likely to keep me alive than kill me.
How cruel to reward one who commits suicide with an afterlife!
I don't have to deal with anything too difficult, except survival.
The benefit of painful lives: Is it bad to die when most of existence has been painful?
I am just another pathetic mortal failing to stay alive as well and as long as I'd like.
Why do I allow myself to get nervous about anything considering how short my life is and how long I'm going to be dead?
I tried to find where I belonged. I found that the universe is merely a rather temporary layaway bin.
I’m destined to die no matter what I do. Maybe I shouldn't take a job performance review seriously?
In the short-term, I'm good unless I do something that leads to instant death. In the long-term, I'm completely fucked forever no matter what I do. Which one do you think I should focus on?
The wages of life are ultimately pain and death. Youth can be a nice layaway plan.
I have no idea what will happen in the future, but it appears likely that I will have a lot of suffering, brief moments of joy, and eternal death.
I'd be more hopeful if I didn't believe we all end up dead.
I only support lost causes. I don't have a choice as a member of a mortal species.
I'm not sure if I fear death or aging more. They both seem terrible.
HUMANITY: We're all equally clueless and make various degrees of poor choices before dying forever no matter what we choose.
I might die without fulfilling my most unrealistic dreams.
PERHAPS IT'S BEST TO FOCUS ON THE SHORT-TERM
SHORT-TERM
A long list of fun options including funny songs, impressive songs, imaginative music, funny books, silly books, factual books, The Naked Gun, The Simpsons, Dave Chappelle, sexy people, cartoons, MAD Magazine, travel, innovations in science, exposing the truths about religious beliefs, creating new and useful inventions and ideas, soccer, basketball, and many less popular sports, Tetris, Football Manager, pizza, fried potatoes, shiny athletic clothes, beautiful homes, beautiful families, lived life vividly.
LONG-TERM-???
Death?
Things will work out? If you look far ahead enough, it's obvious that things won't work out for any of us.
I wrote a lot about death before I experienced it. This was probably the wrong order.
A FEW FUNNY TOMBSTONES
BORN, STRUGGLED TO STAY ALIVE, DIDN'T
I'd rather live in a universe that isn't a universal killer.
I tried not to die. Why? I had no shot. Now I rot.
Born free. Brainwashed in absurd education system. Pretended to work hard for money. Mostly failed to get laid. Died.
Born free. Died oppressed.
Born free. Died cheap.
Born free. Died broke.
I DIED: OH FUCKING WELL
LIFE IS A JOKE THAT DIES TOO FAST
DRUGS DIDN'T KILL ME, LIVING TOO LONG DID
LIFE IS A BAD HABIT WORTH GIVING UP
LIFE IS A LIMITED TIME ONLY GIFT
HOCKEY PLAYER CALLED OFF THE ICE
Going out at the top is WAY overrated.
DEATH: NOT DR. RECOMMENDED
I DIED BEFORE SCIENCE GOT GOOD ENOUGH
I DIED LESS POPULAR THAN JESUS, BUT MORE POPULAR THAN GRANT LUBBE
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR DESTINY...
FREE CHOICE: DIE ENTIRELY FORGOTTEN OR MOSTLY UNKNOWN?
I MOUTHED OFF ONCE TOO MUCH
TIME ISN'T ON THE SIDE OF ANYONE
TRUE OR FALSE? BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY FOR THE CRIME OF QUESTIONING GOD?
MAN HOPES INEVITABLE DEATH CAN WAIT UNTIL AFTER WEEKEND DINNER PARTY
I don't want to lie. I don't want to die. I think I'll die. No lie.
DEAD. NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
NOT ALIVE UNTIL BLANK. LIVED FOR A BIT. FOREVER DEAD NOW.
I SHOULD HAVE WORKED WAY, WAY, WAY LESS
IF ONLY DOCTORS KNEW MORE THAN ME
SCIENCE IS SHIT TOO
PRAYER AND SCIENCE FAILED ME
GOD GAVE UP ON ME ON FILL IN THE DATE
TERMINATED!
BACK TO NOTHING
LESS AMUSING NOW
INSURANCE PLAN WASN'T HELPFUL
NO INSURANCE IS EVEN WORSE THAN BAD INSURANCE
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SNAKE HANDLING DIDN'T WORK
END SCENE
I HAD A LOVE/HATE THING GOING ON WITH THE UNIVERSE
IS LIFE A TEMPORARY GIFT OR BRIEF CURSE?
DEATH ISN'T GROOVY.
LIVED FROM BLANK TO BLANK. TOLERATED A BULLSHIT JOB FROM BLANK TO BLANK. EXPIRED BLANK.
EXTREME DIETS ARE EXTREMELY STUPID
I SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME IN THE OFFICE, AS IT WOULD HAVE EARNED ME MORE MONEY FOR BETTER THAN SHIT MEDICINE
I didn't want to die. I was overruled.
I'D RATHER GET OLD THAN DIE, BUT WHAT A SHITTY GOLD MEDAL
TO AVOID A DULL LIFE DIE YOUNG
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY ALIVE. DIDN'T WORK.
I REGRET ALMOST EVERYTHING.
AT LEAST I WATCHED A LOT OF TV.
MIKE DIED. DON'T CRY. HE HAD TO DIE.
DEATH:
Optimist- At least I'm not dead yet.
Realist- I'm going to die soon.
Pessimist- Life is suffering. Death is worse.
Final words of advice: If you to cheat anything, cheat death. You’ll probably die trying.
DEATH CAN BE FUNNY
It’s a shame that the biggest con artists around are never called on their bullshit. I’m talking about funeral home directors. We live on a planet with more than seven billion people. Burying anyone makes no sense. It should be banned! We should just throw dead bodies to sharks at Sea World. People would be entertained by that. No mess and we’d save tons of money on shark food.
Why do people respect corpses? There’s no life in them. I have as much respect for a corpse as I do Play Dough, a rock, or any other inanimate object. I won’t spend five figures to bury old Play Dough.
Dressing up to pay respect to the deceased? Do you think a dead person is aware of whether you’re wearing a suit or a Motley Crue t-shirt? If so, do you think they care? Dead people who experience an afterlife may have bigger concerns than the fashion sense of the living at one specific funeral.
OUTSTANDING WEBSITES
www.google.com- Obvious, but links to most of the universe
www.wikipedia.org- Maybe not 100% reliable in the facts department, but still impressive
www.espn.com- Covers pretty much all of the most popular sports in the world
www.imdb.com- Great site about film, TV, actors, and entertainment news
http://www.infidels.org/- Detailed information about secular topics
www.ironchariots.org- Well designed refutation of creationism and support for evolution
www.yahoo.com- Like Google, links to nearly everything humans have ever done
www.theonion.com- Possibly the funniest mock news in history
www.madmagazine.com- Not as good as the magazine, but makes me laugh
www.snopes.com- Weird and wonderful treasure
http://www.peterrussell.com/Odds/WorldClock.php- A reminder of how much tragedy the world faces
www.publicradiofan.com- Never complain about the crappy stations in your hometown again
www.youtube.com- Has some limitations, but it’s unbelievably captivating
www.hulu.com- Offers a lot of TV shows and movies for free
www.facebook.com- This satisfies the 13-year-old in me
www.stevepavlina.com- Candid articles on personal development
http://godisimaginary.com/- A straightforward refutation of theism
http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/- Another brilliant critique of theism and the power of religion
http://www.hitchensweb.com/- Despite disagreeing with him on some major issues (like war) he may be the greatest journalist of our times
www.couchsurfing.com- A great concept that serves millions of wanderlust wanderers
http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/- Not as good as the books, but still pretty cool
http://refdesk.com/- Tons of information about nearly everything
http://www.billhicks.com/- One of the greatest comedians of all-time
http://www.chaser.com.au/- A goofy group of excellent Aussie comedians
http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page- Offers over 30,000 free e-books in many languages
www.playboy.com- Classic lust, but genuinely good articles and other features
http://www.infowars.com/- Conspiracy theories or truth? I don’t know for sure, but if any of this is true,
people had better wake up.
www.billboard.com- For the music geek in all of us
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/- Wonderful collections of guitar tablature
http://yudkowsky.net/obsolete/tmol-faq.html- Labeled as obsolete, but made a difference for me in how I view science and philosophy. Yudkowsky’s relevant site material is quality.
http://www.kurzweilai.net/index.html?flash=1-Tons of information about technological singularity and other relevant scientific projects
http://www.thp.org/- Encourages empowering people to end the problems of world hunger
http://servenet.org/- For anyone who wants to find ways to help people in need
A FEW FINAL THOUGHTS
People have different values. To me, The Louvre is impressive. But I’m as impressed with the Art Institute of Chicago. When I went to the Louvre with a friend, he cared more about talking to his dad about Cleveland Indians baseball stats than anything we saw in the museum.
People often remember exceptional failures more than great successes of former eras that have long been beaten by technological improvements. If you want to be remembered, fail in embarrassment in public as often as possible.
Endings are awkward. Keep doing the same stuff so you never have to end anything.
