Sometimes I'm serious.




If songs influence actions, more people should be falling in love and having sex.  There are few songs about being bored in work, traffic, or school.


Michael Jackson is still the King of Pop like Kim Il Sung is still president of North Korea.


They don’t make music like they used to.  That means no more James Brown, Frank Sinatra, or Beethoven.  It also means no more K-Fed, Pat Boone, or Vanilla Ice.


Even if you work hard most of your life, you may never have as much success as the guy who wrote “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.”


Youth is over when your favorite band contains mostly dead people.


You're old when your favorite band is full of dead people, unless there was just a horrible accident.


The band Poison would need a clever title to sell a drink based on their group name.


The way people perceive music changes over time.  Jazz music was once considered wicked, immoral, and wild.  Now it helps people go to sleep.


The rebellious music of one era may be nursery rhymes for the next generation.  


Led Zeppelin was a great band, but there have been better hotel guests.


I wonder if anyone will ever say to their grandchildren “They just don’t make them like T-Pain anymore.”


I have no proof, but I think Usher is a near perfect pop music robot created by Sony.


Maintaining a career as a triangle player must be hard.


Queen isn’t quite the same without Freddy Mercury.


I was influenced by all of the huge musicians of the time that everyone loved: Oingo Boingo, Igor Presnyakov, The Madison County Blues Band- you know, all of the all-time greats.


I was like a rock star: Selfish, egotistical, overrated, successful in spite of my lack of talent, all image and no substance, and became a pathetic loser as I aged.


I spent most of my life trying to be like Jimi Hendrix, minus the broke phases, excessive drug use, and early death.


I wanted to be a great musician like Jimi Hendrix, but I ended up with the reputation and work ethic of Mike Nesteruk.


One Direction is set to earn one billion dollars this year.  I believe I’m easily worth 1/10,000th of One Direction.  Therefore it would be justified to pay me 100,000 dollars.


I played music like a god: A false god no one believed in.


White people who ensure country music exists also ensure there are white people on welfare.


Many want to be rock stars without work.  It's why there are a lot more waiters than rock stars.


I learned to rock from guitar tabs at the library.  This is like expecting to get laid just by reading a Danielle Steel book.


I thought I wanted to be a great musician.  I learned that I was just as lazy at excelling at my "passion" as I was actual work.


Soft rock makes as much sense as light death.  


If I listened to your greatest hits I could tolerate half of one note before barfing.

I spent more time bitching than a bitter blues man.


I don't get how musicians can be paid millions in a world where even toddlers know how to find songs on YouTube for free.

Struggling musicians should ask, “Is there a way I can be better than INSERT NAME OF THE MOST MUNDANE CELEBRITY YOU KNOW?”  This original name for this joke was Billy Ray Cyrus.  It could now be Miley Cyrus or any other celebrity you believe has mega-success in spite of mundane talents.

I love cover bands because they admit up front that they lack originality.

I'd love to hear a new innovation in music, like electric spoons.