Sometimes I'm serious.
BOOKS: Outdated Text Messages
Some of my friends question the merits of the latest book series I’ve been enjoying. But I’ve gotten good at finding Waldo.
Philosophical writers usually write what they don’t know.
Lolita wasn’t Nabokov’s desired title. He wanted to call it The Statutory Rapist.
I don’t feel I’m qualified to write my autobiography. I’m too biased.
Books may have no greater message than “Go dog, go!”
There’s no modern Shakespeare. Why would there be? Many people hate reading anything longer than gas prices.
Book collections are rarer than dodo collections. The few people who read may have a book by their least fancy toilet. The average American now owns more singing wall fish than books.
Books are like people. Many of them suck, but a few of them are worth a few hours of your time.
People who say "I could write a book about that" would usually write one incredibly boring book.
I tried to be a great writer but I allowed distractions as important as sex and as petty as TV theme songs to take up more time than my writing.
I struggled for years as a writer. I struggled to force myself to write instead of getting laid, drunk, or asleep.
I would have been a better writer if I focused on developing my own unique voice instead of enjoying my limited time on Earth.
If I write in English, how original could my writing be?
I don't get how book publishers earn money in a world where it seems no one has the time to read anything more complicated than a Burger King menu.
There are more books than anyone will ever time to read. Many people seem to think that excuses them from reading any of them.
I wanted to write the greatest book of all-time until I realized how much effort it would take. So I amended my goal to writing a book that someone as lazy as me might glance at.
BOOK TITLES I’D LIKE TO SEE
Statistics prove Jesus may not love you
As true as pro wrestling
Fruits and vegetables may kill you
Stop bitching, start living
From Pol Pot to your shitty mayor: How politics fuck nearly everyone
Make more money, save more money, and other obvious financial truths
10 minute work week and more complete fabrications
How to be a slightly more successful middle class wage slave
Fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies... sort of?
The mysterious billionaire crack whore
Who wasted a bullet on a dipshit celebrity?
Where have all the shoulder pad dresses gone?
Who created creationists?
The Guinness Book of Colossal World Failures
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Salutes Trivia Books
Bitchin’ word scramble
Fuck you chess moves
Shit or get off the pot poker
One in 7 billion or so
I lived to tell a reasonably priced tale
Old timey horseshit
Fucked up people and you
The voices inside your head won
Oh God! Computers can do that?
Pet Blue Whale Owner
I BEAT YAO MING AND OTHER TALL TALES
BONNETS FOR NON-BABIES
EAT MY NUTS: PEANUT DISTRIBUTORS
WHAT CHU TALKIN BOUT? WILLS! MAKE YOUR OWN WILL
THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN RIP ME OFF ARE HACKS
DON'T STAY WITH HUNGRY CANNIBALS AND OTHER PRACTICAL TRAVEL TIPS
THE UNIVERSE IS FULL OF NEARLY INFINITE OPTIONS AND YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY?
EAT FOR PLEASURE, HILARITY, AND NUTRITION IN THAT ORDER
I WAS ONLY LATE BECAUSE I DIDN'T CARE
I RESPECT HUMANITY ENOUGH TO LET THEM SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I INCREASED MY FAILURE RATE BUT STILL DIDN'T SUCCEED
ANOTHER POINTLESS BOOK
I FAILED TO UNDERSTAND REALITY. YOU CAN TOO!
WHERE'S WALDO? ACID TRIP VERSION
ADVICE FOR THE FAST FOOD INDUSTRY (Quit. Your product is awful.)
DON’T DIE AND OTHER HELPFUL HINTS FOR SUCCESS
BOOKS I HOPE NEVER EXIST
HOW TO EFFECTIVELY TORTURE AND KILL MIKE NESTERUK
SPREADING WORLDWIDE DISEASE FOR HOPEFUL TERRORISTS
MIKE NESTERUK HAS ONE TINY PENIS
MIKE NESTERUK HAS MULTIPLE TINY PENISES
MIKE NESTERUK HAS NO PENIS
EASY BOOK IDEAS
LIST OF LOGICAL PREJUDICES
RAP SONGS RECORDED BY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS