Sometimes I'm serious.
OFFICE SPEC SCRIPT
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 1
MICHAEL
Good morning. Unfortunately, one of our own
employees, who may or may not work in accounting,
and may or may not be female, made some serious
accusations.
Everyone in the conference room looks at Angela. She gives Michael an angry look.
MICHAEL
According to this anonymous tipster, the
office has been engaging in unethical
bribery.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
Dwight and Andy are at their desks.
THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN READS “LAST TUESDAY.”
DWIGHT
I’ll give you two donuts for a crack at
the Thompson account later today.
Andy enthusiastically points at Dwight.
ANDY
Done.
Angela shakes her head in disgust.
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 1
MICHAEL
Allegations of unprofessional pranks,
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
Dwight stands up with a chair stuck to his pants.
THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN READS “LAST MONDAY.”
DWIGHT
Damn it! Who put superglue on my chair?
Jim and Pam wink at each other. Oscar, Kevin, and Andy laugh. Angela looks annoyed.
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY 1
MICHAEL
And allegations of inappropriate public
displays of affection.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE
Ryan scratches Kelly’s back and holds his face close to hers.
THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN READS “LAST FRIDAY.”
KELLY
Oh, I love when you scratch like that.
RYAN
Call me Tiger. Growl!
Angela looks disgusted.
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY 1
MICHAEL
Now, does anyone want to get in big trouble
and admit to any of this?
Everyone in the room remains silent.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
MICHAEL
Well, I see these accusations have no
merit. This office is better than that.
ANGELA
Unbelievable.
Angela exits.
MICHAEL
And she’s still ungrateful, even after I
grill all of you innocent people.
Jim, Pam, Oscar, Kevin, and Andy hold back laughter.
END OF COLD OPEN
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ACT ONE
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Monday morning is when I see the peak of
weakness in my co-workers. And believe
me, with this group of slackers, the peak
of weakness is a sight no one should ever
have to face.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY 1
Meredith is disheveled and hung over. Oscar types.
MEREDITH
God, you are killing my headache.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, KEVIN’S DESK – DAY 1
Kevin repeatedly struggles to keep his eyelids open.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, KELLY’S DESK – DAY 1
Kelly snores with her down on her desk.
DWIGHT
But I’ve had enough. I’m taking action.
I’m going to ask Michael to take action.
INT: MICHAEL’S OFFICE – MINUTES LATER
Dwight enters Michael’s office without knocking first. Michael is trying to putt a golf ball into a cup.
MICHAEL
Dwight, why didn’t you knock?
Dwight maintains a stoic facial expression.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
DWIGHT
Because you never answer when I knock and
I have a matter of urgent importance.
MICHAEL
Fine. Go on.
DWIGHT
Michael, I think your inferiors need to be
inspired to work harder.
MICHAEL
Come on Dwight. I don’t think I can give
any more than I already do.
DWIGHT
Hear me out: Mandatory weight lifting.
Daily. We listen to music from Rocky.
Each person will be required to do 40
reps of their own weight before work.
MICHAEL
Rocky maybe, but lifting is out. There’s
no way some people could ever do that.
Michael looks out of his office window and nods towards Phyllis.
DWIGHT
I suppose the physics of it would be
nearly impossible for the weakest.
MICHAEL
But you have a point Dwight. I’ll make
a new plan for our wonderful employees.
DWIGHT
Wonderful is highly debatable, but I look
forward to your plan.
Dwight exits.
MICHAEL
The pressures of the salt mines.
Michael putts and misses badly.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
MICHAEL
Attention everyone: I’ve been challenged
to help all of you become better workers.
And I’ve got the secret. The secret is…
Michael pauses dramatically.
MICHAEL
The Secret.
OSCAR
The Secret?
MICHAEL
Yes. It usually takes years to learn The
Secret but I can teach it in one minute.
JIM
That seems fast.
MICHAEL
It is. All you have to do is ask the
universe for what you want and you’ll
get it.
STANLEY
Really? I’m asking the universe for a
raise.
RYAN
I want six weeks paid vacation.
ANDY
I want three supermodels fighting for me.
MICHAEL
No, no. The Secret might take longer
than I thought to explain. Let’s just
keep The Secret our secret.
JIM
We’d better. We don’t want a secret like
this to be known to outsiders.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
MICHAEL
Good point Jim. Okay people. We need
something that will motivate everyone.
STANLEY
More money.
MICHAEL
Stanley some things in life are more
important than money.
STANLEY
Like what?
MICHAEL
Well, the love of family for one.
DWIGHT
But you’re single Michael.
MICHAEL
That’s not the point.
KEVIN
Free pizza.
MICHAEL
Always with the food Kevin.
KEVIN
I like food.
MICHAEL
No food. This is more important.
STANLEY
I don’t think so.
MICHAEL
Oh, I think so. I’m talking about making
the greatest YouTube video of all-time.
PAM
I don’t get it.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
MICHAEL
It’s simple. If we can make the perfect
video we can be rich.
STANLEY
I seriously doubt it.
MICHAEL
Come on. I know what it takes to win.
JIM (sarcastic)
You always do.
MICHAEL
Thanks for the confidence Jim. Three
things on internet always kill.
CREED
The three stooges.
MICHAEL
No.
JIM
The Three amigos.
MICHAEL
No.
DWIGHT
Three’s company.
MICHAEL
No! Just shut up and let me tell you
what they are.
PHYLLIS
Michael…
MICHAEL
All right. I’m sorry I told you to shut
up. Just listen.
Jim whispers to Pam.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
JIM
This should be really good.
MICHAEL
Number 1: Cute puppy dogs.
ANGELA
Finally, you’re making sense Michael.
MICHAEL
Thank you Angela. Number 2: Sexy women.
RYAN
I like that idea.
KELLY
Ryan Bailey Howard don’t you even start.
MICHAEL
Whoa, settle down you two before we get a
couples brawl going on.
RYAN
We’re not a couple. We’re dating.
MICHAEL
Dating is a couple. And don’t forget
big number 3: Popular music.
ANDY
Right on boss man.
MICHAEL
Any of these three ideas alone could be
amazing. I’m going to be a pioneer and
create a video that combines all three.
DWIGHT
If anyone can do it you can Michael.
MICHAEL
Correct Dwight. And I’ll give a special
prize to whoever creates the second best
video in the office.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
KEVIN
What kind of prize?
MICHAEL
A surprise prize. Just know that it’s
going to be great.
STANLEY
I seriously doubt it.
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – DAY 1
CREED
I’d like to help boss, but I’m taking the
rest of the day off.
MICHAEL
Why?
CREED
Religious holiday.
MICHAEL
Oh. Which one?
CREED
The Festival of Santa Mingo.
MICHAEL
I never heard of that one.
CREED
It’s deeply rooted in my spirituality.
MICHAEL
Well, have a blessed day.
CREED
Thank you. And may peace be with you.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
Yes. I became a spiritual humanist. Why?
Because I can get away with a lot more.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
CREED (CONT’D)
Festival of Santa Mingo? I made it up.
The way I see it, someone made up all
those other holidays too.
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
KELLY
I just had a fight with Ryan.
PAM
Oh, that’s too bad.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
No it’s not. Ryan is terrible to her.
The sooner she realizes it the better
off she’ll be. But it’s not my place to
talk about it. Well, not to her anyway.
Pam stares at the camera for a few seconds and coughs.
PAM (CONT’D)
What? It’s really not my place.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
Kelly and Pam continue their conversation.
KELLY
Ryan just told me I’m not…
Kelly uses her fingers as “air quotes”
KELLY (CONT’D)
“Intelligent.” Whatever that means.
Pam looks at Kelly in disbelief.
PAM
Don’t worry about it Kelly. You’re smart
in your own way.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
KELLY
Wait, what? Intelligent means smart?
PAM
Um…yeah.
KELLY
Oh he is such a jerk! I’m smart, just
not in that nerdy book way he is.
PAM
Kelly, I …
KELLY
I’m going to show him smart!
Kelly storms off.
PAM
All right. Good talk.
INT. OFFICE, JIM’S DESK – DAY 1
Jim is watching YouTube videos for “research.”
MICHAEL
Jimbo. I’m sure you’ve got a magic idea
to get us to the top.
JIM
Not quite yet. I’m doing painstaking
research.
MICHAEL
It’s great to see your commitment Jim.
This is impressive.
JIM
Oh yeah. Videos of the funniest game show
bits are crazy big right now.
MICHAEL
Wow. I better get busy on my video to
stay ahead of the pack. Good work.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
TALKING HEAD JIM
JIM
Only a guy like Michael could consider
watching YouTube videos good work. I
guess there are a few good things about
this job.
INT. OFFICE, DWIGHT’S DESK – DAY 1
Dwight speaks into a camera he holds.
DWIGHT
What do I want to share with the world
before I die? A concise, but thorough
three part lecture on the benefits of
workplace efficiency. The number one
key to work efficiency is to focus on
the most important task in the moment.
PAM
Dwight your biggest customer’s calling.
DWIGHT
Tell them I’ll call back. I’m giving the
first part of my lecture on workplace
efficiency.
INT. OFFICE PAM’S DESK – DAY 1
Jim records Pam with a camera.
PAM
Now that I’m no longer a receptionist I
can let everyone know my magic secrets.
JIM
Show us.
Pam picks up the phone.
PAM
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
JIM
Wow.
PAM
I know. I was the best.
Michael walks up to Pam.
MICHAEL
Pam I have a simple request for you.
PAM
How simple?
MICHAEL
Level 3 simple.
JIM
What determines the simplicity rating?
MICHAEL
My brilliant math formula!
PAM
It sounds complicated.
MICHAEL
For most people. But I’m a math whiz.
JIM
What’s two times five?
MICHAEL
Oh geez. I don’t know, that would be 10!
JIM
Yep, you’ve definitely got it.
MICHAEL
I don’t like to brag, but I do.
Anyway Pam, my one tiny request. If
you’re not busy I need you to pose in a
bikini for my YouTube video.
Pam looks shocked.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
PAM
What makes you think I’d ever do that?
MICHAEL
Office pride.
JIM
I can’t believe you asked her that.
MICHAEL
It’s not like I’m asking her to have an
affair with me Jim. All I want is a
tasteful depiction of your loving wife.
PAM
Absolutely no Michael. Never.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, ANGELA’S DESK – DAY 1
Angela appears angry.
ANGELA
This request could be considered sexual
harassment.
MICHAEL
Not my intention. Got to make copies.
Michael sprints down the hall.
MICHAEL
Well, I didn’t expect that to work.
But, like guys on the bench of life know,
you miss every shot you don’t take.
Luckily, Michael Scott has a plan “B.”
INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY 1
Kevin, Jim, and Andy’s heads poke out from the top of cardboard cutouts of a female bikini team
KEVIN
This is weird.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
JIM
How is this going to work Michael?
MICHAEL
Damn it Jim, it’s simple. I’ll use the
internet to replace your faces with
faces of really hot women models.
ANDY
So why are we doing this?
MICHAEL
I have to know how big the heads should be.
I don’t want a woman with a great
body and a freakishly weird head.
JIM
Fair enough.
FADE TO BLACK.
END ACT ONE
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE- DAY 2
Kelly speaks to Ryan with a ridiculous British accent.
KELLY
Jolly good day gov-nah!
RYAN
What are you doing?
KELLY
I’m going to speak right proper now.
RYAN
Kelly you sound crazy, not intelligent.
KELLY
That’s a dumb thing for a dummy to say.
You are an unitellect.
RYAN
Okay. Have fun with that accent your
majesty.
KELLY
Don’t forget it or it’s off with your
head mate.
INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE, MINUTES LATER
MICHAEL
Jim I’d like to have a word.
JIM
I bet you want help with your video.
MICHAEL
That is correct sir. You win the honor
of contributing to a top notch video.
JIM
Looks like I win again.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
MICHAEL
I wrote some, but I can improvise too.
Stanley enters.
STANLEY
Michael, I need your signature on this.
MICHAEL
Not now Stanley. Jim and I are in the
middle of some serious business.
STANLEY
I do not have time for this.
MICHAEL
Just one take. Then I’ll sign.
STANLEY
Fine.
MICHAEL
I think that means it’s go time Halpert.
JIM
Great. Whenever you’re ready.
Michael coughs and clears his throat.
MICHAEL
Hello. I am the one and only Michael
Scott. Yes, I’m a great boss. And an
even better friend. But I believe all
who know me will remember me as always
being the funniest guy in the room.
Stanley laughs heartily.
STANLEY
Oh my God, I needed that.
Stanley exits.
MICHAEL
See, my gifts give people joy.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
Michael pauses and speaks seriously.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
And there’s no better weapon in a comic
arsenal than killer impressions.
JIM
Please, show us a few.
MICHAEL
All right. I give you Michael the Cable Guy.
Michael does a poor imitation of Larry the Cable Guy.
MICHAEL
You ever heard one of them alarm clocks?
They’s always going off way too early in
my trailer. Get your woman done!
Michael returns to his “normal” voice.
MICHAEL
End scene. That was just getting started.
Next I’d like to do President Obama at an
old folks home.
Michael does a terrible impression of Barack Obama.
MICHAEL
Change Mr. Hope? Yes we can.
Michael returns to his “normal” voice again.
MICHAEL
And finally, the greatest of all my
celebrity impressions: Sam Kinison.
JIM
Nice current material Michael.
MICHAEL
The greats never die. Unless they do like
Kinison did. Hmm. He lives on with my
impression.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
Michael does a terrible imitation of Sam Kinison and yells.
MICHAEL
Ah! I’ve been divorced! Ah! Ah!
Michael returns to his “normal” voice.
MICHAEL
And that friends, is how you do comedy.
INT. OFFICE, STANLEY’S DESK – DAY 2
Dwight films Stanley.
STANLEY
Get that camera away from me. I’m
trying to work.
DWIGHT
But I’m doing a spot on work competence.
You should be proud.
STANLEY
I want to be left alone so I can work.
DWIGHT
That’s good Stanley, but if you want to
do a bit like that I wouldn’t mind
getting a few different angles.
STANLEY
I’m not doing a bit. Leave me alone.
DWIGHT
Tough but fair. I respect your wishes.
Dwight exits.
INT. OFFICE JIM’S DESK – DAY 2
Jim films Angela.
JIM
Hey Angela. Say something.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ANGELA
I find this unproductive.
JIM
I think I get your perspective.
Angela exits.
TOBY
This non-sense Michael’s come up with
has pretty much shut down any real work.
OSCAR
True. But at least it’s a different
kind of lack of productivity.
KELLY
Hey Jim, I’d love to tell you about a
great book I was reading the other day.
JIM
Yeah? What are you reading?
KELLY
Um, I’ve been reading so many books I
forget which one I’m on now.
JIM
Right.
Andy enters.
ANDY
Hey guys, I’m going to sing for my video.
We could sing tunes together Big Tuna.
JIM
No thanks. I’m not the singing type.
Seems kind of lame.
ANDY
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
Kelly, would you like to sing with me?
Kelly shakes her head back and forth.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
KELLY
I have too much studying to do.
ANDY
Weird excuse, but that’s fine. How about
you Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
I used to sing in church.
ANDY
I’d prefer someone with actual talent.
PHYLLIS
Fine. Count me out.
ANDY
Nice team attitude Phyllis. Real nice.
Michael enters.
MICHAEL
Andy I’m hoping for a great music video.
ANDY
Sure thing boss. Toby’s helping me.
MICHAEL
Yuck, I think you’d do way better solo.
ANDY
I’m already one step ahead of you boss.
INT. OFFICE BREAK ROOM – DAY 2
ANDY
I don’t want you to freak out. I’m
counting on you. It can be intimidating
working with someone like me.
TOBY
No. Not at all.
Andy laughs heartily.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ANDY
I wish I believed you. If you feel
yourself getting nervous, just remember
that I’ve got your back.
TOBY
You know, I don’t have to help at all.
ANDY
Come on man. Of course I want your help.
I’m just a perfectionist with performing.
TOBY
I understand. Maybe we should try it.
ANDY
Man with the plan. Let’s do it.
TOBY
And now introducing The One Man Band
with the golden throat: Andy Bernard.
ANDY SINGS TO THE TUNE OF “MY GIRL” BY THE TEMPTATIONS.
ANDY
I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day,
When it’s cold outside,
I’ve got the Month of May
Toby rolls his eyes.
INT. FRONT OFFICE DOOR - DAY 2, EVENING
MICHAEL
Good evening Kevin. Nice job today.
KEVIN
Thanks. See you later.
Angela walks in from the outside.
MICHAEL
Well Angela, it’s now officially after
work hours.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ANGELA
Yes, that is true.
MICHAEL
Release the hound!
ANGELA HOLDS HER DOG SPARKLES.
MICHAEL
Aw, that puppy is just adorable. Perfect
for video.
ANGELA
I know. This is Sparkles. Look at him.
MICHAEL
By any chance can Sparkles dunk a
basketball?
ANGELA
Have you ever seen a puppy that can dunk
a basketball?
MICHAEL
I’m not sure how old Air Bud was when the
movie came out.
ANGELA
Michael, I’m beginning to reconsider.
MICHAEL
Okay. I admit that was a dumb question.
But before we start shooting, can
Sparkles do gymnastics?
INT. OFFICE LOBBY- DAY 3
Kelly speaks with a ridiculous British accent.
KELLY
Top of the mornin’ Mr. Scott.
MICHAEL
Kelly? Are you doing a character? You
always call me Michael.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
KELLY
Why good heavens no. I shant be doing
that any more.
Michael speaks with a bizarre British accent.
MICHAEL
Good day to you dear Madam. It’s been a
Hard Day’s Night.
KELLY
Cheerio.
MICHAEL
Well, this one goes to eleven.
KELLY
Well put old chap.
MICHAEL
God Save the Queen.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Most of Dunder Mifflin spent most of
yesterday making videos. Sure, this had
nothing to do with improving business.
It was pretty fun.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY 3
MICHAEL
I’d like to thank everyone for
their
contributions to our YouTube video
project. And now without further ado,
save the best for last: my masterpiece.
Michael’s video plays. He’s dressed in a suit. Michael does all of the voiceover work for his video.
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
Michael Scott. Yes, he is a powerful
regional manager at Dunder Mifflin Paper.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
Michael poses in a goofy, bright red spandex gym outfit.
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
Yes, he is good looking.
Michael speaks at a Chili’s.
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
Yes, he is charming and sophisticated.
And he’s a killer comedian.
Michael impersonates Sam Kinison.
MICHAEL
Ah! I’ve been divorced! Ah! Ah!
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
He’s also got the three things you want!
Cute puppies,
Michael holds Sparkles.
PAM
Aw, such a cute puppy.
A shot of Sparkles stays put while the arm of a basketball player reaches out from Sparkles body and dunks on a rim.
ANGELA
You just couldn’t leave the dunking dog
thing out.
MICHAEL
It’s funny. I had no choice.
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
Sexy women.
The cardboard bikini cutouts have the faces of Holly, Angela, and Pam added digitally in poor quality.
PAM
Michael, this is completely out of bounds,
even for you.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
ANGELA
There’s no way that I ever have or ever
will agree to this.
MICHAEL
What? You said I couldn’t take pictures
of you.
PAM
This is completely inappropriate!
MICHAEL
I didn’t want to be sued by hot women I
didn’t know. So sue me.
PAM
This is wrong Michael!
ANGELA
Unforgivable Michael.
MICHAEL (Voice Over)
And great music to unite us all.
MICHAEL AND ANDY SING AN OFF KEY VERSION OF “LOVE TRAIN” BY THE O’ JAYS.
MICHAEL
People all over the world,
ANDY
Join in,
MICHAEL, ANDY
Start a love train, love train.
MICHAEL (VOICE OVER)
Thank you, for watching the video soon
to shoot to number one in YouTube. Go
start your own love train, love train.
JIM
Wow Michael. That is shocking.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
MICHAEL
I know. Even I can’t believe how great
that was. Thank you everyone for all
your help and support. It wouldn’t have
been quite as amazing without you.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Michael’s video was terrible. It was as
bad as the rest of the garbage
these people produced, with the huge
exception of mine. But like Kevin Smith,
I expect to be shunned by the awards.
MICHAEL
And the surprise for second place after
mine of course, goes to Angela for her
cute portrayal of her dogs called "All
dogs are already heaven."
ANGELA
Thank you Michael.
KELLY
That was a really cute video Angela.
Congratulations.
MICHAEL
And as a reward, you get to post your video
along with mine on the YouTube!
STANLEY (sarcastic)
Wow. What a great prize.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 3
Kelly approaches Ryan.
RYAN
I can’t wait to hear where your accent is
from today.
Kelly speaks in her “normal” voice.
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
KELLY
Hey Ryan.
RYAN
You finally stopped using that stupid
accent.
KELLY
All I ever wanted was your respect.
RYAN
I promise that I respect you now as much
as I ever have or ever will.
KELLY
Oh! You just made me so happy!
Kelly hugs Ryan. Ryan shakes his head in disbelief.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT TWO
“VIDEO OF THE GODS” 12/21/09
TAG
INT. OFFICE, JIM’S DESK - DAY 10
Creed enters.
JIM
Creed. It’s been a week. How are you?
CREED
I’ve been spiritually blessed.
CUT TO:
CREED GAMBLING AT A CASINO.
CUT TO:
CREED SITTING IN A HAMMOCK, DRINKING A LARGE BEVERAGE WITH A STRAW.
CUT TO:
CREED COMING OUT OF A BATHROOM WITH ROBERT DOWNEY AND ANDY DICK.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, JIM’S DESK – DAY 10
CREED
Spiritually blessed.
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF SHOW
