Sometimes I'm serious.
The people you love most are most likely to drive you to a poor house, a crazy house, or a morgue.
Judge others like a mature adult does: By childish, shallow criteria.
Being middle class is being tied with several billion others for least memorable person ever.
If you're ever down about being a “nobody” remember you can do anything you want and no one cares!
People Magazine is a broad scope for a publication. They should get more specific and call it Rich, Overrated, Pseudo-Star magazine.
Pop culture captures the essence of millions of people in an entire society and puts it into a few terrible songs, TV shows, and movies.
Hiring a maid isn’t smart if you don’t own anything worth cleaning.
Being there for the ones who need you is usually bad for your savings account.
I have a controversial position on gay rights. I think gays should get revenge and all church services should be required to have a live gay sex act taking place on stage for the next 2000 years.
The best way to an easy life? Marry Bill Gates.
I knew I was old when I realized all of my friends were more likely to be at a PTA meeting than a bar.
Veering off course is fine at times, but not when you’re leading children on a nature safari.
She wanted to buy candy the night before Halloween. I suggested saving money by going to the local food bank and pretending to be homeless. She responded by saying that even if they thought we were homeless, they wouldn't give us candy. She had a point.
I can't believe I wasn't able to hang on to my youth longer than 3 decades!
Live as if you were 100. Refuse to do all manual labor.
To those who are offended by what I write, say, or create, I’m sorry you can’t focus on one of the other trillion plus things in the universe.
If failure teaches more than success we’d have a lot more geniuses.
There’s no way to prove that you know everything. Think about how long that test would be.
As you age you will hopefully gain enough wisdom to realize the world is constantly changing, but changing so slowly that few things seem different suddenly. A huge exception to this rule is when you go from a pleasant smelling environment to a shit smell.
Forgive and forget? How about hold grudges and remember?
REALISTIC ANNIVERSARY CARD: It's always a blessing when you finally find the one who likes getting drunk and watching TV with you. I wish you many more years of sloth!
If anyone can successfully lie to the police, it should be the inventor of the polygraph.
People don't appreciate Christmas carols as much when you're alone, drunk, and it’s July.
When an entire lifetime is viewed, it may be a source of pride or shame when one discovers the principle activity of their waking hours was masturbating.
If I’m ever arrested and they only let me have one phone call, I’ll make sure I call the highest priced lawyer/sex chat line.
With my luck, if I ever get a guitar gig I bet they put me right after Carlos Santana.
Criminals who use knives are baffling. They’ve got enough guts to break the law, but still risk losing to anyone with a gun. If you’re going to break laws, go all out. Treat yourself to a gun.
Contrary to popular belief, hard work can kill a man. Ask Dale Earnhardt.
Many people can name 10 actors they hate, but can’t name 5 Nobel Prize winners they love.
If loose lips sink ships, our Navy should employ a gossip squad.
Great things happen to poor people about as often as billionaires live in shanty towns.
I like turning positive phrases into bleak ones. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, except for nearly everything in existence.
I don't regret enjoying wine, women, and song. I wish I had discovered the joys much earlier in life, like about age 2.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? 10- One to design the plans to create the bulb, one to pitch the idea to the appropriate executives in charge of approving the finances, one to construct the bulb, one to sell the bulb, one CEO to profit more than others despite doing no actual work on the bulb, one wealthy investor to approve the bulb’s construction, one minimum wage worker to scan the bulb out at the counter, one to buy the bulb, one who can install electricity into the location where the bulb is going to be used, and one who can actually change the damn bulb.
Pity anyone doing worse than you, but take no direct action to help them. Hate anyone doing better than you, but take no direct action to be more like them. Complain about how life is unfair. For most people, this is the American way.