Sometimes I'm serious.

Simpsons Spec Script Love it or Leave It

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 1

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. the First Church of Springfield-day scene 1

Rev. Lovejoy preaches from the pulpit.

Rev. Lovejoy

God wants you to vote Republican!

Lisa

This is unholy!

Homer

Lisa, we agreed you would keep quiet

about weird church stuff.

Lisa

I never agreed to that!

Marge

Honey, you don’t have to agree with

everything in church.

Bart

Then I CAN throw rocks at heathens!

Homer

Sure. Just don’t get caught.

Marge

No, Bart. There’s no place in The Bible

where they throw rocks.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 2

Lisa

Well, actually Mom…

Marge (sternly)

There’s no place at all!

Lisa and Bart look at each other in shock.

Rev. Lovejoy

God calls His flock to fight for the

glory of their nation.

Homer

Mmm. Glory.

HOMER’S FANTASY

Homer is surrounded by beer, a large food buffet, and two ADVISORS.

Advisor

Mr. President, sir, your plan to make

all meals buffets with free beer

produced utopia!

Advisor 2

America’s problems have gone away!

Homer

Now all can enjoy delicious beer!

Marge SNAPS her fingers.

BACK TO SCENE

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 3

MargE

Homer. Stop sleeping.

Homer

Marge, I am going to do something great

for this country!

Marge

Good! You can start by keeping your

eyes open in church!

Homer

My eyes have been opened! But I see

best when they’re shut.

Homer CLOSES his eyes. Marge GROANS.

Rev. Lovejoy

Joshua’s trumpet knocked down walls at

Jericho. This proves God loves the USA!

Church crowd

USA! USA!

REV. LOVEJOY

The Lord wants all to love their land or

leave it.

Church crowd

USA! USA!

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 4

Rev. Lovejoy

And don’t forget your Christian duty to

give to the church collection plate!

The church remains silent.

Rev. Lovejoy (To self)

Oh God.

Mrs. Glick PLAYS “THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER” on the church organ.

Rev. Lovejoy

Remember, God is watching. He is

everywhere, not just in church!

EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT-DAY

Homer

You know, Lovejoy really spoke to me.

Homer PAUSES. Homer hears Reverend Lovejoy’s voice.

Rev. Lovejoy (voice)

Homer, be a hero. Save the USA!

HOMER

I’ll be a hero!

Bart

But that’s hard work.

Homer

That’s not good. Maybe I’ll be a hero

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 5 HOMER (CONT’D)

if we see a movie!

Bart

No better way to be a hero.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 6

INT. MOVIE THEATRE SCENE 2

ON MOVIE SCREEN

Russell crowe appears on screen in a police uniform

RUSSELL

It’s time to fight for this country.

Russell shoots two Arabs wearing bright yellow “Terrorist” t-shirts.

Sound effect is heard to indicate time passed in the film.

RUSSELL

You America haters won’t hurt America!

A group including Kim-Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, Michael Moore, Matt Groening, Karl Marx, Carrot Top, Bill Maher, and a Mexican migrant worker are tied together with rope.

RUSSELL

This is for the good old US of A!

RUSSELL throws a bomb and explodes the group. Bart and Homer give each other a high-five.

THE END (For America’s enemies!) appears on screen

BACK TO SCENE

BART

Finally. It’s great to see a movie about

real people with real problems.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 7 HOMER

Damn straight. Everyone should see it to

help fight the terrorists.

LISA
You can’t be serious. There were so

many problems with that movie.

HOMER

Okay, little Miss Smart Lady, name one!

LISA

Terrorists don’t wear t-shirts that

advertise their status.

HOMER

They do. That’s how they get caught.

LISA

The whole movie was full of historical inaccuracies!

HOMER

Oh Lisa. Nobody cares if we actually

found weapons of mass destruction.

LISA

And that last scene was just propaganda.

A cop wouldn’t throw a bomb at people!

Homer gasps.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 8 HOMER

Lisa, those people are enemies!

MARGE

Not this again. Let’s go eat.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 9

INT. MALL FOOD COURT SCENE 3

a sign reads: Yes! We have overpriced mass marketed consumables!

HOMER
I want to eat at Brat-a-Sauraus!

LISA

I’m going to Super Salad Extravaganza.

BART

Nothing but Krustyburger Express for me.

MARGE

Maggie and I are trying Baby Mama’s.

Here’s a few dollars...

Marge brings money out of her purse. Bart and

Homer snatch the money quickly.

Homer gets in a line to order.

BRAT-A-SAURUS EMPLOYEE

I can help you, sir.

Homer pretends to read from a piece of paper.

HOMER

I’ll have 5 jumbo brats, a family sized

fried potatoes, and a small Diet coke.

BRAT-A-SAURUS EMPLOYEE

Okay, sir. I’ve got your order as...

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 10

HOMER

You’re right! Cancel the diet coke and

make it three Mega beers instead.

INT. TABLE AT MALL FOOD COURT

HOMER
I love brats! No real American would

ever give up meat. We kill!

MARGE

You’ve never killed an animal.

HOMER
I crushed ants, but they were no good.

I guess that’s it.

LISA

Perhaps you’re on your first steps to

non-violence.

HOMER

Nah. I’d rather pay someone else to do

my killing.

BART

That’s the American way!

HOMER

Thanks boy. You know I’m all American

in everything I do.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 11 LISA
That’s funny to hear from someone who

got German food.

HOMER
Lisa, part of being American is engaging in cultural exchange…

LISA

Wow, Dad. That’s a progressive attitude.

HOMER

Thanks Lisa. As I was saying, we get the

best from others and make it better!

BART

Tell it like it is, Homer!

LISA (disgusted)

Let’s just eat.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 12

INT. Simpsons living room SCENE 4

MARGE

Kids, get ready for the meeting. Homer,

say hello to Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Homer spends as little time with me as

possible.

Homer pops in from an outside window.

HOMER

That’s true, Marge.

MARGE

Get in here Homer!

Homer CLIMBS inside from the window.

HOMER

Fine. I was tired of hiding anyway. So

Dad, I bet you love the nursing home.

GRANDPA

It’s torture. They take my money and

serve me gruel three times a day.

HOMER (uninterested)

Yeah, they’ll do that.

GRANDPA

You’re not even listening!

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 13

HOMER
I am listening to you whining about

eating three times a day.

MARGE

The kids are ready.

HOMER
Have fun.

MARGE
Homer, it’s the big town meeting we’re

hosting.

HOMER (confused)
Oh yeah, that one. Make the most of it.

MARGE

You’re supposed to give a speech.

HOMER

Oh yeah. Speech. I’ll just have to make

it up like always.

Flashback to the 1970’s. A young Homer standS at a podium with a beer in hand. He’s drunk.

HOMER

We can make the world a better place!

A young Barney is the only other one in Springfield High School’s gym. He’s drunk.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 14 BARNEY

You’re the king, Homer! We’re going to

make some big changes!

Barney passes out in his chair. Homer flashes a goofy and proud grin.

BACK TO SCENE

HOMER

The king is back!

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 15

ACT TWO

EXT. SIMPSON’S BACKYARD-DAY SCENE 5

Homer holds a sign that reads “Americans Are Best.” The sign depicts Homer posing with an American flag.

MARGE
Homie, I want to be supportive. But I

want you to promise not to go too far.

HOMER
Marge, I’m as peaceful as a dove flying

through a camp of hippie war protesters.

MARGE
Sometimes you let your ideas get carried

away. Please be careful Homie.

HOMER

All right, Marge. Now to decide where to

put the guns and the beer.

Marge gives Homer an angry look.

HOMER

Relax. I’m just kidding about guns.

EXT. SIMPSONS BACKYARD

Citizens of Springfield gather for a town hall meeting.

WILLIE (Thick Scottish accent)
I love this country more than Edinburgh.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 16

WILLIE (CONT’D)

Saints be praised.

MAYOR QUIMBY (Boston accent)

That is a crazy accent.

BODYGUARD
We’ll have him checked out.

MAYOR QUIMBY

I hate when people don’t speak properly.

By the way, look at that babe’s zoombas.

FLANDERS
As long as we obey The Bible, everything

will be just swell.

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Make sure you vote to give more funding

for better public schools!

Apu and Manjula sit and speak softly to each other.

APU

Ah, what an obvious personal plug to

better his own agenda.

Manjula SHOWS Apu a Quick E Mart flyer and POINTS at it.

MANJULA
Don’t forget to mention the new Quick E

Mart fried cheese hot dog nachos.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 17

APU
After I mention my curry squish-ee.

KRUSTY
We need more tax breaks for rich, hard

working citizens.

KENT BROCKMAN
Krusty, you’ve been vacationing in Hawaii

for three months.

KRUSTY

Like you have room to talk. Kent’s Kids

my ass! I’ve seen your gold watch.

KENT BROCKMAN

Don’t hate me because I have good taste.

America rewards hard work.

KRUSTY

Yeah, real hard work you have, reading

cue cards while sitting behind a desk.

You no good rich son of a…

MAYOR QUIMBY
Gentlemen, I remind you that we are not

here to attack the wealthy. And now, the

man who arrived late to the meeting at

his own house: Homer Simpson.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 18

Homer walks to the stage in a sparkling red, white, and blue Uncle Sam outfit.

HOMER

Thanks, Captain Mayor. Starting now,

all Springfielders must act American!

JOHN FRINK

But there’s no scientific data that

defines precisely how to act American!

CLETUS
The fancy talkin’ lab man got some’ in’

thar. He got yer’ goat stage man.

HOMER
Professor, I assume you love America.

JOHN FRINK

Of course.

HOMER

Then you are for America.

JOHN FRINK

Well, it’s more complicated than that.

HOMER
You want everything American to be best.

JOHN FRINK

Yes, but…

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 19

HOMER
If a nerd like Professor Frink thinks

we should be more American, we should!

JOHN FRINK

I never…

HOMER
We need to hear from Americans like Apu.

APU

I came here today to avoid persecution.

HOMER
Apu, that’s crazy. You’re just like one

of us true Americans.

APU

A true American tolerates differences

between others.

HOMER (puzzled)
OK, that’s one opinion. Let’s hear from

someone normal. Like you, Sea Captain.

SEA CAPTAIN

Arrgh. Swashbuckling sea bound sailors

are my countrymen. Arrgh.

HOMER

How true.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 20 CHIEF WIGGUM

Being an American is obeying the law.

LOU

Got that right Chief. HOMER

You’re right. To make people better

Americans, we need more laws!

CHIEF WIGGUM

By God, that is brilliant.

CUT TO: Five minutes later

HOMER
Bart, read what we’ve got.

BART
The love it or leave it law requires

everyone to love America or go! HOMER

It’s time to love America!

BART

Guns are required for all except for

kids under shooting age.

RICH TEXAN

I’ve never heard a better law.

Rich Texan pulls guns out of a holster and shoots.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 21

RICH TEXAN

YEE-HAW! YEAH!

BART
All Americans must eat good. Eat at

Luigi’s. This is an ad, not a law.

HOMER

Boy, Luigi gave me free pizza and the

law will be enforced.

LUIGI

You do a good thing with Luigi’s law.

PRINCIPAL SKINNER

We need a group to enforce these laws.

HOMER
I’ve already created this group. It’s

called the Super America Team force!

PRINCIPAL SKINNER

I bet they’re all great scholars.

HOMER

Yes, Lenny, Carl, Moe, and Barney

always go for my schemes.

Lenny GIVES Homer a thumbs up sign and SMILES.

LENNY

I’m with you, Homer.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 22 CARL

No way I’m missing this.

MOE

Like I’ve got something better to do.

BARNEY

Sure, Homer.

REV. LOVEJOY

Hooray for the Super America Team Force!

Cheers are heard as Homer shakes hands.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 23

INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM SCENE 6

Lisa is reading quietly. Bart enters.

Bart

You read too much Lisa. Nobody ever

gets anywhere by reading books.

Lisa

Okay Bart. I’m going to stop this

“Love it or leave it” madness.

Lisa’s book is titled, “HOW TO STOP BUFFOONS FROM RULING” by J. D. SALINGER.

Bart

Yeah, it seems pretty dumb. Everyone I

know hates this country.

Lisa

It’s not about hating Bart. It’s about

the freedom of expression.

Bart

But nobody can make people less stupid.

Lisa

Well, I’m going to try.

Bart

Oh Lisa. I remember when I

was young and believed in things.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 24

LisA

All right smart guy, you can help me.

I need a camera person.

Bart

Sounds dorky. But it beats trash duty.

CUT TO: A large pile of rotting garbage in the kitchen.

BACK TO SCENE

Bart

I’ll do it.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 25

INT. SIMPSONS’ GARAGE-day 2 SCENE 7

HOMER
Okay Carl you’re the brains of the

operation.

CARL

Sweet.

HOMER

Lenny you get to be partners with Carl.

LENNY

We’re like the dynamic duo of Woodward

and Bernstein, or Brangelina.

CARL

You can say that again!

Lenny and Carl give each other a HIGH-FIVE.

HOMER
Moe you’ll handle publicity.

MOE
Those miserable little pukes who don’t

obey us will be so sorry!

HOMER

Barney you can join me as part of the

muscle.

Barney is confused.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 26

BARNEY

I don’t get it.

HOMER
You will.

Homer’s fantasy

Homer and Barney throw MAFIA MEMBERS through windows,beat up DRUG DEALERS, and club a HIPPIE PROTESTER.

BACK TO SCENE

BARNEY

I still don’t get it.

HOMER
Just wait and see, Barney. Just wait

and see.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 27

ACT THREE

EXT. PORCH OF SHACK-DAY 2 SCENE 8

Bart films with a video camera.

Lisa

Mr. Cletus it must be hard to live

like this.

Cletus

Nah. I was done raised worser. I

never dreamed I’d have all this.

Lisa

I see. Tell me what you think about the

love it or leave it law.

Cletus

I don’t worry ‘bout no laws. I got all

I need.

LISA

Remarkable.

CLETUS

One day I’d like a new smell-hound.

And I want my youngin’s to do good.

Lisa

That’s noble Mr. Cletus.

Cletus nods his head.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 28

Cletus

Life is short little girl. Love yer’

kids and smell hound, I say.

Lisa

I’ll remember that Mr. Cletus. Thank

you for your time.

Cletus

It ain’t nothin’. We got a pot of

vittles cookin’ if you want some.

Bart (disgusted)

Something smells ah, special.

Cletus

That’s ol’ Brandine’s fixin’s. Gus hit a

coon so we got stew with meat ta-night!

Bart and Lisa exchange a worried glance.

Lisa

We already ate. Thanks though.

Brandine

Cletus them ain’t our babies.

Cletus

I know Brandine. They’s city folks

aimin’ to put me on the movin’ picture

screen.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 29

Brandine

Well quit tryin’ to be Mr. Hollywood.

Come getcha some coon stew.

Lisa

Good luck Mr. Cletus.

Cletus

Happy trails to y’all.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 30

EXT. SPRINGFIELD SHOPPING DISTRICT-DAY 2 SCENE 9

Homer and Barney are in uniform and are walking.

HOMER
Feels great to be outside doing good.

BARNEY

It sure does partner.

CUT TO: ONE minute later

HOMER
Oh man. I’m tired of all this walking.

Let’s get the car.

BARNEY
Agreed.

INT. HOMER’s CAR-DAY 2, evening

Homer and Barney appear tired.

HOMER

I’m bored. I thought we’d see fifty

people do something un-American by now.

BARNEY

Be patient Homer. We’ll find something.

HOMER

We have to go where America haters go.

BARNEY

Maybe things aren’t as bad as we thought.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 31

HOMER

No! That can’t be. Think Homer, think.

Huh! I’ve got it!

EXT. Springfield University-Day 2, evening

The university Marquee reads: Yes! we have education!

Homer and Barney walk to SMALL CROWD. A young man SPEAKS.

YOUNG MAN

The whole system is wrong. Stop sitting

around drinking beer.

HOMER

He’s badmouthing beer! Let’s move.

YOUNG MAN

Change is possible. But you have to be

willing to sacrifice your own needs.

The SMALL CROWD instantly BOLTS AWAY.

YOUNG GIRL

Like I’m going to give up stuff. As if!

YOUNG GIRL 2

He must be crazy. This is America!

HOMER

Hey you up there talking!

YOUNG MAN

You’re too old and fat to be campus cops.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 32 HOMER
We’re the Super America Team Force.

We enforce American values!

BARNEY

Yeah!

YOUNG MAN

American values like slavery, genocide,

and sexism are not for me.

HOMER

Your comments are treason!

YOUNG MAN

You can’t violate my right to free speech.

HOMER

We’re enforcing freedom! Just answer the question.

YOUNG MAN

You didn’t ask me any questions.

HOMER
Oh, right. Do you love America?

YOUNG MAN

I don’t love the sins of America.

HOMER

Say you love it, or you’ll be taken in

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 33

HOMER (CONT’D)
for breaking the love it or leave it

law.

YOUNG MAN

There is no such law. It’s my right to

hate anything. Including America.

HOMER

I am the law. Read the badge

YOUNG MAN

It just has a picture of you on it.

HOMER

Well I can’t remember what it stands for.

But you can be arrested!

Barney PULLS Homer aside.

BARNEY

Homer maybe this isn’t worth it. This

is just some kid.

HOMER

Barney, we’re all in danger from enemies

like him. I say we arrest him.

BARNEY

I guess I knew arresting people might be

part of the job.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 34 HOMER

You’re under arrest!

Homer HANDCUFFS the young man and places him in the backseat of his car. Homer moves to the driver’s side door and pushes the child safety lock button. Homer

You’ll find escape is impossible!

YOUNG MAN

You haven’t heard the last of this. I’ll

be suing your sorry ass.

HOMER

Joke’s on you. I’m already broke.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 35

INT. LISA’S BEDROOM scene 10

Lisa

Cletus is unique.

Bart

I’ll say. He makes me want to take a

shower.

Lisa

That’s not what I mean. He seems

content despite political corruption.

Bart

Just like Boss Hogg.

Lisa

Maybe there’s no easy way to solve

social problems.

Bart

Exactly. You can’t stop the world from

going to hell.

Lisa

Bart that’s horrible. Change takes time.

I need to tell Dad that.

Bart

Anything Homer does is bound to end with

a lawsuit or jail.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 36

EXT. POLICE STATION ESTABLISHING SHOT SCENE 11

INT. chief WIGGUM’S OFFICE

CHIEF WIGGUM

You can’t actually arrest people Homer.

HOMER

So the Super America Team force was all

just a sham?

CHIEF WIGGUM

Homer don’t feel bad. Most police work

is a sham. But this kid could be a

problem.

HOMER

I know one thing kids can’t resist.

CUT TO: HOMER SPEAKING TO THE YOUNG MAN IN A CELL

YOUNG MAN

A free t-shirt and credit card doesn’t

buy me! You must think I’m stupid!

HOMER

Oh! That didn’t work.

Homer sighs and sits down by the young man.

HOMER
I’m sorry I brought you here. I was

trying to do some good. I screwed up.

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 37

YOUNG MAN

I’ll level with you. I just want girls.

No one cares about social justice.

HOMER

You are so right.

YOUNG MAN

I’ll leave you alone if you help me with something.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD UNIVERSITY frat house-DAY 3

Homer, Barney, and Chief Wiggum watch the young man being initiated into a fraternity. Chief Wiggum wears the same t-shirt as the fraternity brothers.

FRAT GUY

The Lambda Pike Alpha Omegas are psyched

to have you dude. Now let’s party!

Loud rock music blasts from the fraternity. Homer, Barney, and Chief Wiggum drive away.

INT. HOMER’S CAR

CHIEF WIGGUM

See, it’s hard being an officer.

HOMER

It’s tough to know who should be arrested

and who should be bribed with a

FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 38

HOMER (CONT’D)