Sometimes I'm serious.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 1
INT. the First Church of Springfield-day scene 1
Rev. Lovejoy preaches from the pulpit.
God wants you to vote Republican!
This is unholy!
Lisa, we agreed you would keep quiet
about weird church stuff.
I never agreed to that!
Honey, you don’t have to agree with
everything in church.
Then I CAN throw rocks at heathens!
Sure. Just don’t get caught.
No, Bart. There’s no place in The Bible
where they throw rocks.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 2
Well, actually Mom…
There’s no place at all!
Lisa and Bart look at each other in shock.
God calls His flock to fight for the
glory of their nation.
Homer is surrounded by beer, a large food buffet, and two ADVISORS.
Mr. President, sir, your plan to make
all meals buffets with free beer
America’s problems have gone away!
Now all can enjoy delicious beer!
Marge SNAPS her fingers.
BACK TO SCENE
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 3
Homer. Stop sleeping.
Marge, I am going to do something great
for this country!
Good! You can start by keeping your
eyes open in church!
My eyes have been opened! But I see
best when they’re shut.
Homer CLOSES his eyes. Marge GROANS.
Joshua’s trumpet knocked down walls at
Jericho. This proves God loves the USA!
The Lord wants all to love their land or
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 4
And don’t forget your Christian duty to
give to the church collection plate!
The church remains silent.
Rev. Lovejoy (To self)
Mrs. Glick PLAYS “THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER” on the church organ.
Remember, God is watching. He is
everywhere, not just in church!
EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT-DAY
You know, Lovejoy really spoke to me.
Homer PAUSES. Homer hears Reverend Lovejoy’s voice.
Rev. Lovejoy (voice)
Homer, be a hero. Save the USA!
I’ll be a hero!
But that’s hard work.
That’s not good. Maybe I’ll be a hero
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 5 HOMER (CONT’D)
if we see a movie!
No better way to be a hero.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 6
INT. MOVIE THEATRE SCENE 2
ON MOVIE SCREEN
Russell crowe appears on screen in a police uniform
It’s time to fight for this country.
Russell shoots two Arabs wearing bright yellow “Terrorist” t-shirts.
Sound effect is heard to indicate time passed in the film.
You America haters won’t hurt America!
A group including Kim-Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, Michael Moore, Matt Groening, Karl Marx, Carrot Top, Bill Maher, and a Mexican migrant worker are tied together with rope.
This is for the good old US of A!
RUSSELL throws a bomb and explodes the group. Bart and Homer give each other a high-five.
THE END (For America’s enemies!) appears on screen
BACK TO SCENE
Finally. It’s great to see a movie about
real people with real problems.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 7 HOMER
Damn straight. Everyone should see it to
help fight the terrorists.
You can’t be serious. There were so
many problems with that movie.
Okay, little Miss Smart Lady, name one!
Terrorists don’t wear t-shirts that
advertise their status.
They do. That’s how they get caught.
The whole movie was full of historical inaccuracies!
Oh Lisa. Nobody cares if we actually
found weapons of mass destruction.
And that last scene was just propaganda.
A cop wouldn’t throw a bomb at people!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 8 HOMER
Lisa, those people are enemies!
Not this again. Let’s go eat.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 9
INT. MALL FOOD COURT SCENE 3
a sign reads: Yes! We have overpriced mass marketed consumables!
I want to eat at Brat-a-Sauraus!
I’m going to Super Salad Extravaganza.
Nothing but Krustyburger Express for me.
Maggie and I are trying Baby Mama’s.
Here’s a few dollars...
Marge brings money out of her purse. Bart and
Homer snatch the money quickly.
Homer gets in a line to order.
I can help you, sir.
Homer pretends to read from a piece of paper.
I’ll have 5 jumbo brats, a family sized
fried potatoes, and a small Diet coke.
Okay, sir. I’ve got your order as...
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 10
You’re right! Cancel the diet coke and
make it three Mega beers instead.
INT. TABLE AT MALL FOOD COURT
I love brats! No real American would
ever give up meat. We kill!
You’ve never killed an animal.
I crushed ants, but they were no good.
I guess that’s it.
Perhaps you’re on your first steps to
Nah. I’d rather pay someone else to do
That’s the American way!
Thanks boy. You know I’m all American
in everything I do.
1 11/18/09 Page 11 LISA
That’s funny to hear from someone who
got German food.
Lisa, part of being American is engaging in cultural exchange…
Wow, Dad. That’s a progressive attitude.
Thanks Lisa. As I was saying, we get the
best from others and make it better!
Tell it like it is, Homer!
Let’s just eat.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 12
INT. Simpsons living room SCENE 4
Kids, get ready for the meeting. Homer,
say hello to Grandpa.
Homer spends as little time with me as
Homer pops in from an outside window.
That’s true, Marge.
Get in here Homer!
Homer CLIMBS inside from the window.
Fine. I was tired of hiding anyway. So
Dad, I bet you love the nursing home.
It’s torture. They take my money and
serve me gruel three times a day.
Yeah, they’ll do that.
You’re not even listening!
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 13
I am listening to you whining about
eating three times a day.
The kids are ready.
Homer, it’s the big town meeting we’re
Oh yeah, that one. Make the most of it.
You’re supposed to give a speech.
Oh yeah. Speech. I’ll just have to make
it up like always.
Flashback to the 1970’s. A young Homer standS at a podium with a beer in hand. He’s drunk.
We can make the world a better place!
A young Barney is the only other one in Springfield High School’s gym. He’s drunk.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 14 BARNEY
You’re the king, Homer! We’re going to
make some big changes!
Barney passes out in his chair. Homer flashes a goofy and proud grin.
BACK TO SCENE
The king is back!
FINAL 1 11/18/09
EXT. SIMPSON’S BACKYARD-DAY SCENE 5
Homer holds a sign that reads “Americans Are Best.” The sign depicts Homer posing with an American flag.
Homie, I want to be supportive. But I
want you to promise not to go too far.
Marge, I’m as peaceful as a dove flying
through a camp of hippie war protesters.
Sometimes you let your ideas get carried
away. Please be careful Homie.
All right, Marge. Now to decide where to
put the guns and the beer.
Marge gives Homer an angry look.
Relax. I’m just kidding about guns.
EXT. SIMPSONS BACKYARD
Citizens of Springfield gather for a town hall meeting.
WILLIE (Thick Scottish
I love this country more than Edinburgh.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 16
Saints be praised.
MAYOR QUIMBY (Boston accent)
That is a crazy accent.
We’ll have him checked out.
I hate when people don’t speak properly.
By the way, look at that babe’s zoombas.
As long as we obey The Bible, everything
will be just swell.
Make sure you vote to give more funding
for better public schools!
Apu and Manjula sit and speak softly to each other.
Ah, what an obvious personal plug to
better his own agenda.
Manjula SHOWS Apu a Quick E Mart flyer and POINTS at it.
Don’t forget to mention the new Quick E
Mart fried cheese hot dog nachos.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 17
After I mention my curry squish-ee.
We need more tax breaks for rich, hard
Krusty, you’ve been vacationing in Hawaii
for three months.
Like you have room to talk. Kent’s Kids
my ass! I’ve seen your gold watch.
Don’t hate me because I have good taste.
America rewards hard work.
Yeah, real hard work you have, reading
cue cards while sitting behind a desk.
You no good rich son of a…
Gentlemen, I remind you that we are not
here to attack the wealthy. And now, the
man who arrived late to the meeting at
his own house: Homer Simpson.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 18
Homer walks to the stage in a sparkling red, white, and blue Uncle Sam outfit.
Thanks, Captain Mayor. Starting now,
all Springfielders must act American!
But there’s no scientific data that
defines precisely how to act American!
The fancy talkin’ lab man got some’ in’
thar. He got yer’ goat stage man.
Professor, I assume you love America.
Then you are for America.
Well, it’s more complicated than that.
You want everything American to be best.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 19
If a nerd like Professor Frink thinks
we should be more American, we should!
We need to hear from Americans like Apu.
I came here today to avoid persecution.
Apu, that’s crazy. You’re just like one
of us true Americans.
A true American tolerates differences
OK, that’s one opinion. Let’s hear from
someone normal. Like you, Sea Captain.
Arrgh. Swashbuckling sea bound sailors
are my countrymen. Arrgh.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 20 CHIEF WIGGUM
Being an American is obeying the law.
Got that right Chief. HOMER
You’re right. To make people better
Americans, we need more laws!
By God, that is brilliant.
CUT TO: Five minutes later
Bart, read what we’ve got.
The love it or leave it law requires
everyone to love America or go! HOMER
It’s time to love America!
Guns are required for all except for
kids under shooting age.
I’ve never heard a better law.
Rich Texan pulls guns out of a holster and shoots.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 21
All Americans must eat good. Eat at
Luigi’s. This is an ad, not a law.
Boy, Luigi gave me free pizza and the
law will be enforced.
You do a good thing with Luigi’s law.
We need a group to enforce these laws.
I’ve already created this group. It’s
called the Super America Team force!
I bet they’re all great scholars.
Yes, Lenny, Carl, Moe, and Barney
always go for my schemes.
Lenny GIVES Homer a thumbs up sign and SMILES.
I’m with you, Homer.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 22 CARL
No way I’m missing this.
Like I’ve got something better to do.
Hooray for the Super America Team Force!
Cheers are heard as Homer shakes hands.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 23
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM SCENE 6
Lisa is reading quietly. Bart enters.
You read too much Lisa. Nobody ever
gets anywhere by reading books.
Okay Bart. I’m going to stop this
“Love it or leave it” madness.
Lisa’s book is titled, “HOW TO STOP BUFFOONS FROM RULING” by J. D. SALINGER.
Yeah, it seems pretty dumb. Everyone I
know hates this country.
It’s not about hating Bart. It’s about
the freedom of expression.
But nobody can make people less stupid.
Well, I’m going to try.
Oh Lisa. I remember when I
was young and believed in things.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 24
All right smart guy, you can help me.
I need a camera person.
Sounds dorky. But it beats trash duty.
CUT TO: A large pile of rotting garbage in the kitchen.
BACK TO SCENE
I’ll do it.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 25
INT. SIMPSONS’ GARAGE-day 2 SCENE 7
Okay Carl you’re the brains of the
Lenny you get to be partners with Carl.
We’re like the dynamic duo of Woodward
and Bernstein, or Brangelina.
You can say that again!
Lenny and Carl give each other a HIGH-FIVE.
Moe you’ll handle publicity.
Those miserable little pukes who don’t
obey us will be so sorry!
Barney you can join me as part of the
Barney is confused.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 26
I don’t get it.
Homer and Barney throw MAFIA MEMBERS through windows,beat up DRUG DEALERS, and club a HIPPIE PROTESTER.
BACK TO SCENE
I still don’t get it.
Just wait and see, Barney. Just wait
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 27
EXT. PORCH OF SHACK-DAY 2 SCENE 8
Bart films with a video camera.
Mr. Cletus it must be hard to live
Nah. I was done raised worser. I
never dreamed I’d have all this.
I see. Tell me what you think about the
love it or leave it law.
I don’t worry ‘bout no laws. I got all
One day I’d like a new smell-hound.
And I want my youngin’s to do good.
That’s noble Mr. Cletus.
Cletus nods his head.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 28
Life is short little girl. Love yer’
kids and smell hound, I say.
I’ll remember that Mr. Cletus. Thank
you for your time.
It ain’t nothin’. We got a pot of
vittles cookin’ if you want some.
Something smells ah, special.
That’s ol’ Brandine’s fixin’s. Gus hit a
coon so we got stew with meat ta-night!
Bart and Lisa exchange a worried glance.
We already ate. Thanks though.
Cletus them ain’t our babies.
I know Brandine. They’s city folks
aimin’ to put me on the movin’ picture
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 29
Well quit tryin’ to be Mr. Hollywood.
Come getcha some coon stew.
Good luck Mr. Cletus.
Happy trails to y’all.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 30
EXT. SPRINGFIELD SHOPPING DISTRICT-DAY 2 SCENE 9
Homer and Barney are in uniform and are walking.
Feels great to be outside doing good.
It sure does partner.
CUT TO: ONE minute later
Oh man. I’m tired of all this walking.
Let’s get the car.
INT. HOMER’s CAR-DAY 2, evening
Homer and Barney appear tired.
I’m bored. I thought we’d see fifty
people do something un-American by now.
Be patient Homer. We’ll find something.
We have to go where America haters go.
Maybe things aren’t as bad as we thought.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 31
No! That can’t be. Think Homer, think.
Huh! I’ve got it!
EXT. Springfield University-Day 2, evening
The university Marquee reads: Yes! we have education!
Homer and Barney walk to SMALL CROWD. A young man SPEAKS.
The whole system is wrong. Stop sitting
around drinking beer.
He’s badmouthing beer! Let’s move.
Change is possible. But you have to be
willing to sacrifice your own needs.
The SMALL CROWD instantly BOLTS AWAY.
Like I’m going to give up stuff. As if!
YOUNG GIRL 2
He must be crazy. This is America!
Hey you up there talking!
You’re too old and fat to be campus cops.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 32 HOMER
We’re the Super America Team Force.
We enforce American values!
American values like slavery, genocide,
and sexism are not for me.
Your comments are treason!
You can’t violate my right to free speech.
We’re enforcing freedom! Just answer the question.
You didn’t ask me any questions.
Oh, right. Do you love America?
I don’t love the sins of America.
Say you love it, or you’ll be taken in
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 33
for breaking the love it or leave it
There is no such law. It’s my right to
hate anything. Including America.
I am the law. Read the badge
It just has a picture of you on it.
Well I can’t remember what it stands for.
But you can be arrested!
Barney PULLS Homer aside.
Homer maybe this isn’t worth it. This
is just some kid.
Barney, we’re all in danger from enemies
like him. I say we arrest him.
I guess I knew arresting people might be
part of the job.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 34 HOMER
You’re under arrest!
Homer HANDCUFFS the young man and places him in the backseat of his car. Homer moves to the driver’s side door and pushes the child safety lock button. Homer
You’ll find escape is impossible!
You haven’t heard the last of this. I’ll
be suing your sorry ass.
Joke’s on you. I’m already broke.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 35
INT. LISA’S BEDROOM scene 10
Cletus is unique.
I’ll say. He makes me want to take a
That’s not what I mean. He seems
content despite political corruption.
Just like Boss Hogg.
Maybe there’s no easy way to solve
Exactly. You can’t stop the world from
going to hell.
Bart that’s horrible. Change takes time.
I need to tell Dad that.
Anything Homer does is bound to end with
a lawsuit or jail.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 36
EXT. POLICE STATION ESTABLISHING SHOT SCENE 11
INT. chief WIGGUM’S OFFICE
You can’t actually arrest people Homer.
So the Super America Team force was all
just a sham?
Homer don’t feel bad. Most police work
is a sham. But this kid could be a
I know one thing kids can’t resist.
CUT TO: HOMER SPEAKING TO THE YOUNG MAN IN A CELL
A free t-shirt and credit card doesn’t
buy me! You must think I’m stupid!
Oh! That didn’t work.
Homer sighs and sits down by the young man.
I’m sorry I brought you here. I was
trying to do some good. I screwed up.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 37
I’ll level with you. I just want girls.
No one cares about social justice.
You are so right.
I’ll leave you alone if you help me with something.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD UNIVERSITY frat house-DAY 3
Homer, Barney, and Chief Wiggum watch the young man being initiated into a fraternity. Chief Wiggum wears the same t-shirt as the fraternity brothers.
The Lambda Pike Alpha Omegas are psyched
to have you dude. Now let’s party!
Loud rock music blasts from the fraternity. Homer, Barney, and Chief Wiggum drive away.
INT. HOMER’S CAR
See, it’s hard being an officer.
It’s tough to know who should be arrested
and who should be bribed with a
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 38
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 39
INT. SIMPSONS’ LIVING ROOM SCENE 12
Dad we need to talk. The love it or
leave it law is going to be trouble.
Oh Lisa, it already is. Remind me
never to help people again.
Don’t give up. Advocate empowerment
through gradual self-improvement.
Lisa WAVES a hand in front of Homer’s face
Well, I have to tell the guys it’s over.
It’s not going to be easy.
CUT TO: INT. Simpsons’ garage
Homer finds Lenny and Carl drunk and singing karaoke.
You guys are supposed to be on duty!
We figured the brains did enough. So we
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 40
Lenny holds a microphone. He is singing a third rate version of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”
I was born in the USA! I’m a long,
tall something in the USA!
HOMER (rolls his eyes)
That’s great Lenny. But I have bad
news. Super America Team Force is no
Ah, that’s okay. Lenny and I just took
a few days off. You didn’t think we’d
quit working at the power plant?
I never gave it a thought. Jobs come
and go so easy for me.
I love America!
I wonder where Moe is.
CUT TO: INT. CHANNEL SIX ACTION NEWS ROOM
And the last words from Moe.
FINAL 1 11/18/09 Page 41
Super America Team Force hates enemies.
Nobody is safe. Love it or leave it!
Thanks Moe. As for you viewers, keep
watching Fox. Good night!
“Love It or Leave It”