Sometimes I'm serious.
I never achieved my childhood dreams. I’m not playing major league baseball and healing like Jesus in between games.
We can blow up the planet, but can’t defeat plaque?
The best thing I’ve ever heard uttered by a human about God: "She was not on the shitter when God was handing out tits."
The universe may have multiple realities which humanity still fails to understand. So I might skip work.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except for when you're a babysitter.
Anyone who follows their passion is likely to be a porn star, food critic, or sleep tester.
Someone killed Tupac Shakur but let Steve Urkel do national TV for a decade?
The odds of experiencing pleasant odors decrease exponentially based on the size of the human population one lives around.
Be unique: Wear formal underwear.
I’m working on Cliff’s Notes to Where’s Waldo?
Many people appear to live each day as their last, hence vast debts, irresponsible behaviors, and lack of concern for anyone else.
The best magicians are so good that they take a few minutes instead of a few seconds before they get on my nerves.
I dreamed of being a great FILL IN THE BLANK but reality gave me FILL IN WHAT TYPE OF SHIT instead.
What’s the best gift to get for your Great Grandma when she has another kid?
I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted, but that ended at age of 0. Ma was stingy with her tits.
I went on a voyage of self-discovery. I found I like sex and food. Everything else is suspect.
She said “My husband is SO different from you.” I replied "Well, we have VERY different taste in women."
All I lack is focus, discipline, intelligence, commitment, money, marketable skills, talent, good looks, a proven track record of success, a solid work ethic, and morality. How can I fail?
HONEST PSYCHIC: I predict that no human, including me, will ever be able to accurately predict all events that may occur in the future.
I want to live forever, so I need to find a TOP NOTCH skin consultant.