Sometimes I'm serious.


Getting a job is: 

Writing a resume bragging about “accomplishments” you have no pride in. 

Respectfully explaining why you left a job where you were miserable, unappreciated, and worked ridiculous hours for sweatshop pay. 

Trying to prove to someone you don’t know that you’re the best person for a job you know little about. 

Thinking of a way to explain why you want to work, other than money. 

Filling out pointless form after form, waiting for some smooth talker to grind you about all of the negative aspects of your past and why you’re looking for work.

Pretending to be interested in being an entry level data entry associate because it’s the only job anyone within a 50 mile radius offered.  

Acting like an expert in a field that you took a few courses in when you were younger, where you got B’s, and spent most of your time in classes daydreaming about sex.

Hoping that other people are even less competent than you are. 

Resisting the urge to be 100% honest and tell an interviewer “Look, I need money and I’m not a successful artist yet.  I don’t want to starve or move back home. That’s my only real motivation. OK?” 

Holding back sarcastic comments to questions such as: Where do you see yourself in five years?  “You know, I see the Earth detonating itself in nuclear hysteria by then.  I just really want my chance to sell life insurance for you before the big bang.” 



Minding your own business is easy if you’re unemployed.


Quit any job where you’re not the boss.  If everyone follows this advice, we’ll all be CEO’s.


Off days are awesome, until you have about 300 in a row without income.


Working with others can be a pleasure.  Or it can be a sadistic cruel nightmare filled with compliance to non-sense orders from supposed superiors who have no clue about how to do anything right.


It’s hard to believe someone would force another person to work for them as a slave instead of giving them a wage that keeps them just above poverty instead.


I really hate bosses.  I hate them so much that even when I'm my own boss, I’m still disobedient.


At the end of my teens, I thought I was going to find the meaning of life.  By the end of my twenties, I was just hoping to find a job that paid enough for me to afford rent.


Job openings aren’t hard to find but people who will actually hire you often are.


There are people who are so desperate that they give up most of their waking time obeying orders from people they don’t like doing things they don’t like just to pay bills they don’t want.


Monday mornings are the most common time for road accidents.  Studies show that commuters often crash on purpose to avoid going back to work.

What to tell potential employers: “Unlike a lot of people, I have all ten fingers and many toes.”

Company owners depend on people to work hard enough to earn money, but never to get good enough to take things over.

Work hard so you never have to use your talents unless you want to.

Despite major setbacks, I kept going with my idleness.

Life’s always changing.  Now it’s socially unacceptable for you to make a living from sucking on your Mom’s breasts.

There’s no first week of job training quite like week 1 of being a brand new pimp.

Live how you want, except for doing whatever unpleasant task you have learned to kind of tolerate to make money.


There are numerous funny people in every workplace, but most of them are unintentional cast members in a dark comedy.